Chapter 36 Amber
AMBER
Iwatched Roman exit the room. He left me there on the couch with barely a hello. Not even a small conversation. I hadn’t seen him for most of the day. Most of the week.
And in the few minutes we were together…
This is what I get?
He was so cool toward me. Not acting happy to see me.
Like I was just the hired help who hung around here while he was in the office.
Hold on. Give him some slack.
I furrowed my brow as I sat there and hugged a pillow for comfort.
Roman was so busy and working his ass off to make arrangements for me. For my safety. He was spending all his waking hours for my future.
It felt wrong to be upset about his attitude. That he could be cold and short with me after doing so much to ensure William and my rapist would be dealt with after so long.
How can I be so selfish?
Sure, I missed him. I loved being near him because he filled my heart with love that I wanted to shout out from the rooftops about. But I couldn’t actually be so whiny, clingy, and needy as to be so upset that he was exhausted and going to bed.
I’m not, though.
I furrowed my brow even more, picking at what just happened between us.
Wanting to say more than a few words to him wasn’t being needy.
I wasn’t acting possessive and making him do anything he didn’t want to.
He’d taken it upon himself to be my hero and hunt down the two men who could ruin my life.
I hadn’t even asked him to. He’d wanted to. He volunteered.
I wasn’t being needy. But I did need to talk to him. As the days ticked on and I kept my pregnancy all to myself, I warred with how—and when—I could have a moment to tell him.
I stayed up tonight hoping that he’d come home and I could test the waters. To see what he would think and say.
Of course I was nervous. I was scared to tell him because it could change everything.
Will it, though? Will it really change anything at all?
Roman showed me day and night how much he cared. He was risking war to keep me safe. He was determined to slay the nightmares of my past in the form of my adoptive father and his friend who seemed to think he could buy me.
Yet, in all these months I’d been here, he hadn’t uttered a word of love. Of why he would go so far to prioritize my happiness and security.
He had to care. He did. I felt it.
But…
I narrowed my eyes, trying to pick apart this uneasiness in my chest. But what?
As I sat here and dissected my situation, I hated to face the reality that I would always be rooted in this fear that I could be dispatched and sent away.
Because maybe Roman wouldn’t want our child like he did the twins.
It could happen—I wasn’t some prominent woman who fit in his circle of wealth and affluence.
I struggled with the idea that I could be rejected and told to go.
Because that was the running theme of my life for so many years.
All those times I was moved from one foster home to another.
Every occasion when adoptive parents wanted a younger child or a different one than me.
A lifetime of being picked over and never being welcomed into a family took a toll.
I battled the chance that I would always be unwanted. Because I hadn’t come here on a date. I’d shown up and met Roman only because I’d applied for a job. To work here. It wasn’t like he found me and asked me out.
And I fought the concept that I would always be good for nothing.
Don’t let him win.
I closed my eyes at his voice in my mind. William telling me that I would never be good enough for anyone, never be the kind of girl a family would want, so I should respect him for picking me, that I should owe him for choosing me as his “daughter”.
Further back, the flashbacks of others telling me that I’d never find my place, never get a home or a family. They all tried to pick at my mind now despite the years I’d spent squashing them all.
Emily cried out from the nursery, and it snapped me out of my reverie. Her cry pulled me to the present and locked me back down into my purpose now.
The sounds of Roman’s footsteps followed, along with his heavy sigh.
Then, through the open door, I heard him talking to her.
“It’s all right. Come here, baby girl. Daddy’s here.”
I swallowed past the lump of emotions in my throat.
Daddy.
Daddy’s here.
He was. He was here for her. And with the genuine tenderness of his gruff voice, I dared to believe he’d be here for any other child.
Like ours.
I dared to cling to the hope that he might have the room in his heart for me, too. To want to be here for me.
You’ve got to stop this.
I hugged the pillow closer while Roman tended to her and settled her back down to sleep again.
And as the minutes passed on, I shook my head and confronted my fears, my worries of never being wanted or belonging.
I had to confront all my worst-case scenarios.
Because I couldn’t run from my past. I couldn’t hide from what happened to me.
I had to face it all. Roman was. He and his family members were facing the danger of William wanting me back and my rapist’s plan to buy me.
If they could all rally up behind me, if they could take on those parts of the fight, I had to stop this. I couldn’t be this scared and willing to run or assume the worst.
I stood, dropping the pillow back onto the couch.
I can’t let my past rule me anymore.
Starting now, as I went to find Roman in bed.
He must have just put Emily back down in her crib because he was standing next to the bed. His throat worked as he chugged some water from his nightstand. But over the rim of the glass, with the dim nightstand giving off enough illumination for him to see me, he stared me down.
I can’t let the past rule me.
Not when he can be my path forward to what I deserve.
A family. With him. With the twins. With the new life growing inside me.
“Can I help you with what is frustrating you?” I asked, trying a diplomatic approach.
He rolled his eyes as he set the glass of water back down. “No. Remember? The fewer details you know, the better.” He arched one blond brow as he set his hands on his hips.
I nodded, approaching him slowly.
Come on. Think of something else. Say anything that could get him talking again and not so… whatever this is.
“Can I help you… relax somehow?” I put my hand on his bare chest, ready to massage him. Caress him. Something.
He trapped my hand there and narrowed his eyes.
“No. What you can do is look me in the eye and tell me right now if you’re hiding something from me.” His tone brokered no argument. The demand was crystal clear. Sharp and expectant.
I licked my lips. Here goes.
“Because I hate the feeling that you could be keeping another secret from me.”
I nodded. “I only… just realized this one.”
He slanted his brows, almost scowling. “What?”
“I just found out, uh, about this one. And with how busy you’ve been—”
“Busy trying to protect you.”
I nodded again. “Right. It’s just with how busy you’ve been and seeming kind of grumpy and distant—”
He growled. “Because I can’t stand the idea of either of those fuckers living and breathing anymore. I’m impatient, Amber. Not distant.”
I bit my lip and bobbled my head again. “Right. Well, um, it’s just that I wasn’t sure how to have a few minutes with you over this week and get that chance to tell you that, um…”
“You do now. Tell me what?” he said, setting his hand on my other arm, as if he would’ve wanted to shake me into speaking.
“That I’m pregnant.”
There it was.
The truth was no longer captive in my head or chest but hanging out there between us. Looming large. Weighing heavily.
I swallowed and watched his face, unsure what it was supposed to mean when he simply stared at me. Unblinking. No reaction. Just a flat stare.
Then he released my arm and rubbed his face. “I’m— I’m sorry. I thought you said you— what?”
“I’m pregnant,” I repeated.
“You’re pregnant.”
I nodded. Oh, God. He’s not happy.
“You’re pregnant? With my…” He lowered his gaze to my flat stomach, letting out a huff of air. It was a purely incredulous sound, like he couldn’t begin to believe it.
“I… I don’t know how it happened,” I said.
He laughed once as a smile seemed to lift his lips.
“I’ve heard that before. I said that when the twins showed up.
” Wrapping his arms around me, he turned me toward the bed, falling first. He kept me in a tight hug as he settled us, my back on the mattress, him looming over me at my side and placing his hand on my lower stomach.
“You’re…” He grinned now, lowering his face to kiss me.
Okay. My heart swelled with hope. Shivers raced over my skin at the perfection of his lips on mine. Maybe he is happy…?
“We’re going to have a baby,” he whispered against my lips.
“Are you… mad?”
He growled lightly before snagging my mouth in another deep kiss that stole my breath. As I threaded my fingers through his hair and held on tightly, he dragged his hand up my side and curled me into him.
“No. I’m not mad,” he said when we broke for air. “I’m surprised.”
“Me too,” I blurted. “I’ve been taking the pill and…”
“And we haven’t used a condom at all,” he finished for me. “I guess things happen.”
He had proof that “things” happened in the nursery in the next room over.
“I can’t be mad about our baby,” he promised. “I’m thrilled. Sorry if it kind of short-circuited my brain. That was not what I was thinking you’d say. But now that I know…”
I kissed him quickly. “I didn’t want to hide it. I just needed to let it sink in and figure out the best way to tell you with all that’s going on and with how many questions are hanging over us right now.”
He snorted. “There are no questions that need to be answered. We’re going to have a baby.” Again, he lowered his hand to cover my stomach possessively as he kissed me. “And we’re going to make sure no one can threaten you ever again. Those are facts.”
I smoothed my hands over his neck until he lowered to kiss me.
Hugging him close, I finally forgave myself for the past. For letting it control me for so long.
Because if I hadn’t been able to overcome my fears, I never would’ve found myself in this position, lying with this man, my baby daddy, and knowing that it would have to work out in the end.