Chapter 12
Slamming the door behind her, Claire ripped off her coat and stabbed her phone’s speed dial for Marti, praying she was still awake.
“Claire! How are—”
“David met his son, at least a dozen times!” Claire moaned and fell onto the bed, trembling. “Why didn’t he tell me?”
“Take a deep breath and push out the air slowly.”
Claire inhaled but erupted in sobs.
“Try again. Do it with me.” Marti counted as she slowly exhaled.
The shaking subsided as Claire slowed her breathing.
“Start from the beginning.”
Claire dragged the sheet across her wet face and stared up at the wooden beams crossing the ceiling.
“Sophie wanted a sperm donor, but she had trouble finding a man with a good heart. No one was more good-hearted than David.” She swallowed against tears.
“So, David volunteered, but they had an agreement, a contract that specified that Sophie would take full responsibility for the child and neither of them were to let the child know that David was the father until the child turned eighteen.”
“They drew up an agreement?”
“Yes, her brother gave me a copy.” She bolted up, searching for the envelope. “Damn, I forgot the envelope Jeel-Bear gave me.”
“Jeel-Bear? When did you start speaking French?”
“We say, Gilbert, but he taught me how to say it in French.”
“It’s so beautiful in French. And romantic.”
“Right, so they signed an agreement, David made the donation at a fertility clinic, and she gave birth to Luca.” A sob escaped.
“We were right—he didn’t cheat.” She sucked in air and slowly pushed out her exhalation.
“He met Luca when he was a few months old, and he visited him on every one of his business trips. Finally, Luca began asking who his father was, and they told him. He calls him Papa David.” A cry escaped, a cry of sorrow and appreciation of the child’s affection for her husband.
“So, learning that he had a son was not a shock that contributed to David’s heart attack?”
“It was Sitosterolemia that killed David.” A torrent of tears hit Claire. “That poor little boy has lost both his parents. Sophie died last Christmas Eve.”
“Oh, no. That poor child.”
Claire bolted up. “But why didn’t David tell me he had a son?” Tears dripped from her chin, and she swiped at them. “This is going to sound crazy from a woman who postponed having kids most of her life, but I feel left out.” She dropped back onto the bed and sobbed.
“David wanted kids more than anything. How could he have only seen Luca twice a year? He must have adored Luca. And how could he have kept this wonderful secret he held so dearly from me?” She punched the bed.
“David kept half his life from me. And I feel selfish and guilty because it’s all my own fault. ”
“David was always protective of you, Claire. He probably didn’t tell you because he didn’t want to hurt you.”
“But keeping a secret from me hurts! And Luca missing his father must have hurt him, too.” She hated how her voice was whining. “Isn’t that a betrayal? Because let me tell you, I feel betrayed!” The tone of her voice dropped so low it sounded like she was growling.
“How do you think you might have felt if he had told you?”
“Guilty.” The word exploded, surprising Claire. “I’d have felt guilty for not giving him the children he so very much wanted.” She rolled over. “I might have worried he would leave me for Luca’s mother.”
Mariah Carey’s All I want for Christmas is You playing in the courtyard made her want to rip out the speakers. She got up and pulled the drapes closed.
“Don’t you think David would have wanted to protect you from feeling guilty or insecure?”
The pout on her lips made her feel like a child. “Yes.”
“Hmmm…” Marti made soft cooing sounds.
A writhing in Claire’s gut built pressure that reached her eyes. Collapsing onto the soft down-filled comforter, she let the tears flow as she stared at the same ceiling that they’d lain under on their honeymoon night. The irony. “I feel like my marriage was based on lies.”
“Oh, Claire, your marriage was based in the profound love you had for one another. No marriage is perfect. It seems you both lied to protect the other.”
That truth squeezed her heart. David’s lie and betrayal were all her fault because she’d lied to him. She’d told him she wasn’t ready to have kids when the truth was she feared becoming a mother.
“Claire?”
“Huh?”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’m so confused and tired. I wish I had some of that brandy Jeel-Bear had ordered at the patisserie.”
Marti laughed. “It’s going to take you a long time to process all of this. I wish I were there to help you. Are you going to meet Luca?”
“I don’t know. When I learned that David knew and spent time with Luca, I freaked out and ran from the restaurant.”
“Take some time and then call Jeel-Bear. He seems like he would like to help you.”
“Ugh.” Claire pushed herself up.
“Wouldn’t you like to meet David’s son?”
“Luca must be missing David terribly. But I think I might have a meltdown.” She smoothed the quilt.
“I never knew my father, so I never missed him. Except when fathers arrived at the convent to pick up their daughters, the girls running into their arms, squealing with delight, their fathers beaming with pride. I’d never had that experience, and, as it was so foreign to me, I found it more interesting than a sense of longing. ”
“Take it one step at a time. Just allow yourself to feel all that you feel, and then you can sort it out.”
“Thank you, Marti. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“I’m always here for you. I love you. And I can’t wait to celebrate Christmas together.”
Claire groaned. “I haven’t even booked a ticket home.
I’ll have to fly standby again. One crisis at a time.
I don’t know if or when Gilbert will let me meet Luca.
And if he will, I don’t know if I really want to meet him, although I’m pretty sure I do…
of course I want to meet him, I just hope I have the courage.
” She wiped her face. “At least I gave Gilbert David’s medical records so Luca can be tested. ”
“Take a nap and then go enjoy the Christmas markets. David would want you to. And call me if you need to talk.”
“Thanks. I will.” Claire turned off her phone. Images of David playing with his son swirled in her mind and bruised her heart. She wouldn’t be able to sleep. She washed her face, put on her coat, and headed for the markets. Maybe she could find a toy for Luca for Christmas.