35~The invite
"God..."
Hanan whispered as she stood beneath the cold shower.
"I'm so confused."
"I feel like I'm falling apart."
The cold water poured over her head, soaking every inch of her body, yet none of it washed away the heaviness in her chest.
Instead, her thoughts only became louder.
"What is this phase of my life called?"
She closed her eyes.
"I'm completely lost."
"What does life really want from me?"
She let out a shaky breath.
"I don't understand anymore."
Her eyes burned with unshed tears.
She bit down hard on her lip to stop herself from crying.
Instead, her teeth caught the tip of her tongue.
"Ouch!"
She immediately cupped her mouth.
A sharp sting shot through her tongue.
Within seconds, she tasted blood.
Standing before the mirror, she carefully stuck out her tongue.
A small cut had formed at the tip.
"Oh..."
She sighed.
"That looks bad."
She stared at her reflection.
A bitter smile appeared on her lips.
"I guess pain just keeps finding me."
She laughed weakly.
"My life is already a mess... And somehow I still manage to make it worse."
Her reflection looked just as exhausted as she felt.
Just then...
"Hanan!"
Nanny Ann's voice echoed from outside.
"Yes?"
"Are you planning to spend the night in there?"
"I'll be out in a minute."
She turned off the shower, wrapped herself in a bathrobe and forced a smile at her reflection.
"Smile."
She whispered.
"No one needs to know you're falling apart."
When she stepped out, she found Nanny Ann arranging a tray of steaming porridge on the bed.
"I don't think I can eat that."
She pointed at the bowl.
"Why? You haven't eaten anything today."
Hanan poked out her tongue.
"I accidentally bit it."
"It hurts too much."
"I'll just drink some water."
She walked toward her wardrobe and changed into her nightwear.
"And honestly... I'm not hungry."
Nanny Ann simply nodded.
"Alright."
"I'll leave the water here."
"Goodnight."
She picked up the tray again.
Hanan blinked in surprise.
That's it?
She watched Nanny Ann walk toward the door.
She isn't trying to persuade me?
She isn't asking if I'm alright?
She isn't bringing up Faruk...?
It didn't feel like her at all.
"Nanny Ann."
She stopped.
"Yes?"
"You're... just leaving?"
Nanny Ann smiled.
"Do you need something?"
"I..." Hanan hesitated.
"No."
"Not really."
"Goodnight then." She turned again.
"Wait."
Nanny Ann looked back.
"Why aren't you asking me anything?"
"What do you mean?"
"About tonight."
"About Faruk..."
"And his mother's proposal."
"Oh."
Nanny Ann nodded knowingly. "That?"
"Yes."
"I wanted to give you time."
"Time to hear your own thoughts before listening to mine."
Hanan lowered her head.
"I've been thinking."
"But I'm still confused."
Nanny Ann looked at her for several moments before speaking.
"Hanan..."
She smiled sadly.
"I probably shouldn't say this."
"What?"
"I think... You're being selfish."
Hanan froze.
"I am?"
"Yes."
Nanny Ann answered gently.
"I love you."
"And because I love you... I can't lie to you."
She walked closer.
"Answer me honestly."
"If Faruk proposed to you today... What would your answer be?"
Hanan looked away.
"I... I don't know."
"You do." Nanny Ann replied firmly.
"Stop running from the answer."
Hanan swallowed hard.
"I'm not sure."
"I think... It would be no."
Nanny Ann nodded.
"I expected that."
"But why?"
Silence.
Hanan stared at the floor.
"I don't know."
"No." Nanny Ann interrupted.
"You do know."
"You just don't want to admit it."
Hanan's eyes were immediately filled with tears.
"I... I can't explain it."
"Then think harder." Nanny Ann said quietly.
"What changed?"
"You were willing to accept him before."
"So what changed?"
The question echoed in Hanan's mind.
She searched desperately for an answer.
But every answer led her somewhere she was afraid to go.
Nanny Ann sighed.
"I can see you're not ready."
"We'll continue this another day,get some rest."
She turned to leave.
"Wait please."
Hanan grabbed her hand.
"Please..." Her voice cracked.
Her composure finally shattered.
Tears rolled freely down her cheeks.
Maybe crying would lessen the weight pressing against her chest.
"Please..." She sobbed.
"I have no one else to talk to."
"I feel like I'm suffocating."
"I can't keep pretending anymore."
She sobbed.
"I'm tired."
"I'm so tired."
"I don't understand what's happening to me."
"For the first time... I'm very confused with my feelings."
"I keep trying to understand what I'm feeling, but the more I think, the more confused I become."
"I finally convinced myself I've found an answer... and the next moment, my mind goes completely blank."
"Hanan."
Nanny Ann interrupted softly.
"Wipe those tears."
"They don't suit such a strong young woman."
Hanan shook her head. "But they're all I have right now."
"They're the only thing keeping me sane."
Nanny Ann's expression softened. "Come here, my child."
She pulled Hanan into a warm embrace.
"Then cry."
"Cry until your heart feels lighter."
Hanan did exactly that.
She cried without restraint.
She cried until her eyes became swollen and sore.
Only when the tears finally slowed did Nanny Ann gently wipe her cheeks.
"Better?"
Hanan nodded weakly. "A little."
"Good." Nanny Ann smiled.
"Now let's talk like two mature women."
"Okay." Hanan sniffled.
Nanny Ann folded her arms. "Tell me honestly."
"What do you truly think of Faruk?"
"Don't think about choosing the right words."
"Just tell me exactly how you feel."
Hanan took a deep breath.
"Faruk... He's kind."
"He genuinely loves me."
"He cares about me more than he cares about himself."
"He's protective."
"He always wants to make me happy."
"Sometimes he's childish... and he can be impulsive."
"But I know everything he does comes from a place of love."
"So..." Nanny Ann smiled.
"He's all those wonderful things?"
"Yes."
"Then tell me, if you know all that..."
"Why do you still want to reject him?"
Hanan sighed deeply. "I honestly don't know."
She rubbed her face tiredly.
"I have no real reason to reject him."
"It's just..." She hesitated.
"I don't feel that same deep connection... that same affection..."
She became silent.
Nanny Ann finished the sentence for her. "That you once felt for Najib?"
Hanan looked away. "Yes."
She nodded slowly. "But believe me."
"I don't love him anymore."
"I only used to."
"Are you certain?" Nanny Ann asked.
"Yes."
"During our marriage, he never gave me reasons to love him."
"But I still did."
"I was foolish."
"After the divorce... I realized my love was never valued."
"My feelings weren't valued."
"So eventually... I let go."
Nanny Ann remained quiet for a moment. "Then tell me this."
"You went to his house today."
"The one place you swore you would never return to."
"You stayed there the entire day."
"Why?"
Hanan answered almost immediately.
"Because I lost someone important too."
"Alhaji was like a father to me."
"I couldn't stay away."
"I had to pay my last respect."
Nanny Ann nodded thoughtfully. "I believe you."
She paused.
"So... The only thing stopping you from accepting Faruk is that you don't feel the same connection you once felt with your first love?"
Hanan lowered her eyes. "I think so."
Nanny Ann sighed."Hanan... That isn't necessarily a reason to walk away from a good man."
"If you told me you loved someone else... I would understand."
"But you just told me you don't."
"And you also admitted how much Faruk loves you."
"So why not give yourself a chance?"
"Why not allow yourself the possibility of loving him?"
"It just feels impossible." Hanan whispered.
As soon as she said those words...
Faruk's confession in the hospital echoed in her mind.
Then his mother's desperate plea.
Guilt settled heavily in her chest.
"You can call me selfish again." She whispered.
Nanny Ann smiled sadly. "In this situation... Yes."
"I think you are."
"But listen to me."
"Did you fall in love with Najib in one day?"
Hanan almost laughed through her tears. "No... I hated him even before seeing him."
"Exactly."
"Love isn't instant."
"It grows."
"It changes."
"I'm not saying you must marry Faruk."
"And I'm not saying you definitely will fall in love with him."
"But don't close your heart before giving yourself enough time to know what you truly feel."
"From everything I've seen... Faruk is a good man."
"I would hate for you to lose someone like him simply because you're comparing every feeling to your first love."
Hanan remained silent.
Nanny Ann continued gently. "You're almost twenty two."
"One day you will want to build your own family."
"When that time comes... I want you to choose wisely."
"Don't throw away a good man unless you're completely certain."
"I've said everything I can."
"The rest is your decision."
Tears welled in Hanan's eyes again.
"Please..."
She held Nanny Ann's hands.
"Don't get tired of me, if you give up on me..."
"Who will I have left?"
"I don't have my parents."
"I don't have any other siblings."
"And Abdul doesn't understand these things."
"You're the only person I can run to."
"So please... Don't ever leave me."
Nanny Ann immediately hugged her again. "Oh, Hanan... I'm sorry."
"I shouldn't have said that, I was just tired."
"I was only frustrated because I care."
"I could never give up on you."
"You're just as much my daughter as Abdul is my son."
"And that's exactly why I worry."
"I don't want you to repeat Habiba's mistakes."
"I want you to choose a life that gives you peace."
"So don't rush."
"Don't be stubborn."
"And don't let guilt make your decision for you."
"Take your time."
"Think carefully."
"Then decide."
Hanan slowly nodded. "I will."
"That's my girl." Nanny Ann smiled warmly.
"Now dry your tears and get some sleep."
"Thank you." Hanan whispered.
"For everything."
"Always." Nanny Ann smiled.
"You never have to thank me."