38~Her worth
On her prayer mat, Hanan sat with her back resting against the wall, her eyes fixed on nothing in particular.
Only one sentence echoed relentlessly in her mind.
"Maybe not in this life... maybe in another... or the next."
She shut her eyes and pressed the palms against them.
"Really?" She whispered.
"Why won't those words leave me alone?"
She let out a weary sigh and shook her head.
"No... It's time to move on."
"For real this time."
She squeezed her eyes shut once more, hoping the silence would quiet the storm in her mind.
Instead, she felt a gentle tap on her forehead.
Her eyes fluttered open.
"Nanny Ann? When did you come in?"
"Just now." Nanny Ann smiled as she settled beside her.
She placed the back of her hand against Hanan's forehead before letting out a relieved breath.
"Thank God. Your temperature has finally gone down."
"You scared me last night."
She picked up a tablet of medicine from the tray beside her and handed Hanan an Ibuprofen tablet.
"Take this after you've eaten and your fever should disappear completely."
Her gaze drifted around the room before returning to Hanan.
"You've been sitting here all morning, haven't you?"
She glanced at the wall clock.
"It's already noon."
"The breakfast I served at eight is still untouched."
"Nanny Ann..." Hanan sighed.
"I don't have the strength to eat."
"You don't need strength... You need food." Nanny Ann replied as she tore a piece of Akara and held it toward Hanan.
Hanan gently shook her head. "I can't chew anything."
Nanny Ann smiled patiently. "Then have the custard."
"Just a few spoons."
"For my sake."
After a moment's hesitation, Hanan picked up the bowl and slowly swallowed a spoonful.
She had barely taken another when Nanny Ann spoke again.
"Oh... Faruk called me last night."
Hanan looked up.
"He said he needs your passport ready."
Her hand froze halfway to her mouth.
"My passport?"
"Yes... He said he's relocating both of you to America a week after the wedding."
The spoon slipped back into the bowl. "He... told you that?"
Nanny Ann frowned. "Weren't you aware?"
Hanan slowly shook her head. "No."
"He never mentioned it."
"He also said he'll discuss everything properly with Abdul when he comes over today with his mother." Nanny Ann continued.
"What exactly is he discussing?"
Abdul's voice came from the doorway as he walked into the room.
Nanny Ann smiled. "Faruk plans to relocate them to America after the wedding."
Abdul's brows knitted together. "He does?"
His eyes shifted to Hanan.
She simply lowered her gaze.
Nanny Ann cupped Hanan's cheeks affectionately. "I'm already missing you."
A faint smile tugged at Hanan's lips.
"I'm not going anywhere yet."
"Excuse us for a minute, Nanny Ann." Abdul sighed.
She nodded. "I was just leaving anyway."
"I need to prepare lunch before they arrive."
She turned back to Hanan.
"They said they'll be here around noon."
"So freshen up and get dressed before then."
After she left, silence settled between them.
Abdul folded his arms studying her swollen eyes. "Did you cry again?"
"No." Hanan didn't look at him.
"Don't lie. Your eyes are red."
"It's fever... or maybe it's Apollo."
He raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? That's the excuse you're going with?"
She rubbed her temples with an exhausted sigh. "Please, Abdul... Not today."
"I don't want to talk." She got on her feet and walked toward the bed.
"We're talking." Abdul insisted.
"No. I want to sleep."
She was about to lie down when he blocked her path.
"We're talking about what happened last night, Hanan."
"I don't want to."
She turned toward the door.
"You can stay here and talk to yourself."
Before she could leave, Abdul caught her wrist.
He quietly locked the bedroom door, slipped the key into his pocket, and looked back at her.
"You're not running away this time."
Hanan stared at him in disbelief.
A bitter smile found its way onto her lips.
"Why are you fighting so hard... Is it your life?"
"So you mean I should stand by and watch you destroy your life again simply because you're too stubborn to listen?" Abdul demanded.
"Yes!"
"Yes!"
"Yes!"
Hanan screamed, every ounce of frustration spilling out of her.
"No, I won't!" Abdul snapped, glaring at her.
"The last time I stood back and let you make a decision like this, we both paid for it..."
"Do you remember your nineteenth birthday? I caught you recording those lies for Zaitun. I wanted to stop you, but you begged me not to interfere. And what happened afterward?"
"I hate those memories!" She cried. "Don't remind me. It's over. It's in the past."
"No, Hanan." He shook his head. "The past is repeating itself. And this time I refuse to stand by and watch you throw your happiness away. Pick up your phone. Call Faruk. End this wedding."
"No." She took a step back. "That's my decision to make. You don't get to force me."
His jaw tightened.
"If you don't call off this wedding..."
His voice dropped, trembling with restrained emotion.
"Then I'm cutting ties with you."
Silence swallowed the room.
"I mean it, Hanan."
Hanan blinked before a bitter laugh escaped her lips.
"So you will one day abandon me..." She whispered. "Just because I made a choice?"
"Yes." His answer came without hesitation, but the pain behind it was evident.
"The last time, I walked away from Najib for your sake. This time..." His voice cracked slightly before hardening again. "This time I'll walk away from you for his sake."
He swallowed hard, forcing himself to continue.
"How can you knowingly choose a life that will destroy not only you, but him as well?"
His eyes filled with disbelief.
"I can't watch you become miserable again."
He drew in a shaky breath.
"So it's better we part ways now before that time comes."
He looked at her for a long moment before speaking again.
"After everything I heard you say last night at the hotel, I honestly believed I would wake up to the news that you called off the wedding."
Instead... "You're still willing to sacrifice yourself for that boy."
Hanan stared at him. "What exactly did you hear that made you think I would cancel the wedding?"
Abdul frowned. "Last night... in that hotel room... you admitted it."
His gaze locked onto hers.
"You admitted that you still love Najib."
"You admitted you never stopped loving him."
A humorless smile tugged at her lips.
"You must've been hallucinating."
"You know I wasn't!" He snapped.
"Fine!" She yelled back. "Yes! I said it! Happy now?!"
She bit down on her lower lip, trying to keep herself from breaking apart.
"My heart already hurts enough, Abdul."
Her voice fell to barely a whisper.
"Please... stop."
He closed his eyes for a brief second before speaking. "Fine."
"But hear me clearly."
"I won't attend that wedding."
"And the day you marry Faruk..."
He paused.
"Is the day you lose me."
"Pretend I no longer exist because I will do the same."
Without another word, he turned, flung the door open, and stormed out.
The slam echoed through the room.
Hanan remained frozen where she stood.
Slowly, her knees buckled beneath her until she collapsed onto the floor.
The tears came without restraint.
"Why me?" She sobbed.
She wasn't crying because Abdul had threatened to walk out of her life.
She was crying because the very man Abdul was fighting for... Was the reason she had agreed to marry Faruk.
"Abdul..." She whispered through broken sobs.
"You have no idea."
"You asked why my eyes were red... why I have been crying."
A hollow laugh escaped her.
"Yes, I cried."
"I cried the entire night."
"Aren't I allowed to cry?"
She pressed a trembling hand against her chest.
"I cried because I realized... We had failed again."
"Najib failed us."
"He broke my heart... all over again."
Her trembling fingers reached for her phone.
The moment the screen lit up, the conversation they had shared the previous night replayed vividly in her mind, reopening wounds that would never heal.
"Why are you looking so rough? And what happened to your dress? It's covered in stains. I asked Abdul, but he wouldn't tell me anything." Nanny Ann asked worriedly as she gently wiped Hanan's body with a warm towel.
"I accidentally spilled food on the dress." Hanan muttered weakly.
"Okay, I'll have it washed tomorrow. Right now, I'm more concerned about you." Nanny Ann sighed.
"Don't worry. It's nothing serious. Please go to bed."
"Are you sure? Your temperature is still high. Maybe I should call Abdul and have a doctor come..."
"No, please don't." Hanan forced a faint smile. "You've already placed a cold towel on my head, and I've taken Paracetamol. I'll be fine."
"You still look so pale..."
"I'll be okay."
Nanny Ann studied her for a moment before sighing.
"Alright. But I'll come back to check on you later."
"Okay. Good night."
"Good night."
The moment the door closed, Hanan pulled the damp towel off her forehead.
Her body burned with fever, but she barely noticed.
There was only one thing occupying her mind.
Her phone.
She walked unsteadily to her purse, picked out her phone, and stared at the screen for what felt like forever.
Her fingers trembled wrapped around it.
Taking a shaky breath, she dialed his number.
"Hello... Najib?"
The moment she returned home, reality hit her harder than ever.
The truth she had spent years denying had finally cornered her.
She finally understood why she had never been able to love Faruk despite genuinely trying.
Why every blind date during university ended in failure.
Why no matter how much time passed, Najib never truly left her thoughts.
Her heart had simply... never let him go.
From the very first night they met as strangers on his balcony, she had unknowingly made room for him inside her heart.
And because what she felt for him had been real, raw, unconditional, and painfully sincere... Her heart had refused to erase him, no matter how much pain he had caused.