Chapter Six #2
As Colt wheels me slowly along the garden path, I take in the world around me.
The sunflowers lining the walkway stretch tall, proud, golden.
The breeze plays across my skin, warm and soft.
The grass sways gently, each blade dancing like it knows something I don’t.
For the first time in a long while, I feel at ease.
The wind’s whistle through the trees hums a song of peace, settling something deep inside me. We’ve only been out here a few minutes, but already, I know that things are going to be okay.
Life is a miracle.
It deserves to be cherished.
And even when it deals us a losing hand, there’s always another round.
You fold, take a breath, and start over with something stronger.
Something new.
Life isn’t easy.
Not for anyone.
As I glance around and catch sight of other patients moving slowly through the gardens—some with IV poles, some being helped to walk—I realize, I don’t have it so bad.
Colt slows us near a bench tucked beneath the broad arms of an old tree. He sits beside me, close, steady, always there. I tip my head back, close my eyes, and let the sunlight wash over my face.
Warm. Steady. Bright.
And for the first time since the accident, I let myself believe that maybe this is the beginning of something new. Something still beautiful.
“How are you feeling?” Colt asks softly.
I keep my eyes closed and smile on purpose, soaking in the peace of this moment. “I feel… warm, calm, and loved,” I murmur. “And I know that everything is going to be okay.”
When I open my eyes, Colt is watching me, his expression full of quiet awe.
“You feel all that from coming outside?” he smirks, one brow raised as he winks.
I roll my eyes and nod as he reaches for my hand, threading our fingers together with that familiar, grounding touch.
“You’re right about one thing, though,” he says, his voice dropping to something deeper, more serious. “Everything will be okay.” He smiles. “I know this is shit. No, it’s fucking terrible. But we have options. And trust me, we will be parents one day.”
His gaze burns into mine as he continues, “But first, you need to get better. We need to get married. Because almost losing you? It made me realize something I already knew but hadn’t said out loud, I need you more than anything in this world, Dee.
More than music. More than the high. More than life itself.
I need you to be my wife. And as soon as you’re better, we’re planning the whole damn thing. Deal?”
My smile breaks through fully this time, genuine and bright. I nod, squeezing Colt’s hand. “You are such a romantic when you want to be.”
“Shh,” he whispers, leaning in. “It’s our little secret. Can’t have the world knowing that now, can we?”
“I think the world figured it out when you released “Until the End of Time,” ” I tease. “Pretty sure the cat’s already out of the bag, babe.”
He leans in, brushing his lips over mine, so soft, sweet, and careful.
Always so careful.
I know he’s trying not to hurt me, but I miss his intensity. I miss the way he used to kiss me, as if the world could end at any second. I love this tender version of him, but… “You can kiss me properly, you know,” I murmur against his lips.
“I am kissing you properly,” he replies, pulling back slightly with a smile. “In a normal, romantic way. I can’t risk hurting you.” He leans back on the bench, stretching out and resting one ankle over his knee like he’s completely satisfied with his answer.
I shake my head fondly and turn my face back to the sun, closing my eyes and letting the warmth settle in my bones again.
I don’t know how long we sit like that—silent, still, breathing in the calm—but I feel him watching me, guarding me with nothing but love in his eyes. A few clouds drift across the sky, dulling the sunlight, and I glance up, annoyed they’ve interrupted my perfect moment.
As the day starts to fade, so does the tension I’ve carried for weeks.
I feel relaxed.
Grateful.
Alive.
Even though Dad’s words were harsh—too harsh—maybe I needed to hear them. As much as I hate to admit it, they snapped something into perspective.
Colt is here.
And he’s not going anywhere.
So maybe, just maybe, my life isn’t missing anything after all.
Because with him, I already have everything.
I glance over at him, leaning back in the chair like he belongs there, completely relaxed and content. His eyes are closed, a soft smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
Gently, I reach for his hand and lift it to my mouth, pressing a kiss to his knuckles.
His smile deepens, and when he opens his eyes, the way he looks at me—it’s pure love.
“I think I’m ready to go back inside now,” I say, and he nods as he stands.
As he pushes me, he asks, “Do you feel better?”
I nod and smile even though he can’t see my face. “It was exactly what I needed. Thank you, babe,” I admit.
“Good, glad to be of service to ya, ma’am,” he says in a terrible American southern accent. I laugh, and he chuckles as he wheels me back into the sterile concrete hospital building.
He playfully pushes me in a wavy pattern, twisting the wheelchair back and forth down the path, and we both laugh, joking with me on the way back to our room. I feel okay, not good, but okay. Maybe I can cope with this, and with some help from Colt, I’m sure we’ll be just fine.
He races back to our room with nurses’ tutting as he rushes past them. I laugh at their expressions as he runs through the doorway and into the room. I’m looking up at his smiling face when he comes to a stop.
“Hey, guys,” Colt says cheerily.
I peer around to find Johnny and Anna grinning back at us.
I smile at my best friend, and then my eyes can’t help but wander down to her stomach.
Instantly, I feel sick, like I want to physically heave up my lunch.
Every inch of progress I made outside, all the thoughts of feeling like this isn’t the end of the world, come crashing down when I see Anna’s pregnant belly.
My breathing hitches while she looks at me, confused.
“Hey, Dee, you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Anna says, walking across to me.
I swallow hard with so many conflicting emotions running through my head.
I love Anna and am happy for her, but I don’t need a constant reminder of what I’ll never have staring me right in the damn face right now.
“I… ah…” is all I can manage before the tears start to fall.
Colt is by my side in an instant.
Johnny looks at me sympathetically. “Anna, I think we should go,” Johnny says.
I look at him, and the realization slaps me in the face. “You know,” I accuse, looking at Johnny, and he dips his head, confirming my assumption. I furrow my eyebrows, unsure how I feel about that. I’m not sure I want anyone to know how defective I am, let alone Johnny.
I can’t handle this!
Anna looks from me to Johnny, confusion shadowing her face. “You know what, Johnny?” she asks.
I cover my face with my hands as I cry into them.
“Right, let’s get you back into bed, hey?” Colt offers as I feel him lift and place me on the bed. My leg aches, but it’s nothing compared to the pain in my chest.
Dammit!
I thought I could handle it.
I thought it wasn’t the worst thing in the world.
But seeing it flaunted in front of me brings back all those hurtful feelings, and I start to sob while Colt’s hand runs over my cheek to try and comfort me.
It doesn’t work.
“Okay, will someone tell me what’s going on? Dee, why are you upset? Is something wrong? You were so happy yesterday and just now when you came in. What’s going on?” Anna begs.
Johnny walks over to her side, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. “C’mon, babe, I’ll tell you in the car,” Johnny says, trying to pull her from the room.
“No, I want to know now,” she states.
I turn away and close my eyes tight, trying to remove the pregnant image from my mind.
“Dee, can I tell her?” Colt asks as he strokes my hair lovingly, and I weep silently. I nod just once, and he exhales, preparing to share the news that has upended my entire life.
“When they operated on Dee’s stomach, they had to perform a hysterectomy,” Colt says quietly. “It was the only way they could save her life.” He leans down and presses a gentle kiss to my forehead.
Anna gasps, the sound sharp and full of shock. But I still can’t bring myself to look at her.
“Oh God, Dee… I’m so sorry,” she whispers, her hand resting gently on my shoulder. “We’ll go. I’m sorry.”
The second she says it, a rush of relief washes over me.
“No, you don’t have to go,” Colt says quickly.
My eyes fly open, and I roll over to glare at him.
“No. I think you should go,” I snap, my voice colder than I mean for it to be. But her pregnant belly is right there, and it feels like a knife twisting in my chest.
“Dee, I… I know this must be hard—”
“Do you?” I cut in, my voice sharp and brittle. “How could you possibly know, Anna? You’re standing there glowing, carrying your child, your future. You’ll get to hold them. Love them. Raise them. I’ll never have that, Anna. And right now, having it thrown in my face isn’t something I can handle.”
She bites her lip, clearly trying not to cry. And I hate myself for making her feel like this. But I can’t stop.
“I’m sorry, Dee,” she says, her voice trembling. “If I’d known… I never would’ve come. I’m your best friend. I want to be here. To support you. I love you like a sister. Please, if there’s anything I can do—”
“Just g-go, Anna.” My voice breaks as the tears spill again.
“Don’t come back. I can’t see you. I don’t want to see you.
And I can’t—” My throat closes up. “I can’t be a godparent to your…
child. I can’t. So please… leave. Just leave me alone.
” The sobs come hard now, and I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing I could disappear into the mattress.
Anna starts to cry. The sound of it shatters something in me.
“Dee—”
“Just go!” I scream, the words ripped from my chest like they’re physically tearing me apart. My heart is pounding so loudly I can barely hear anything other than the thrum of blood rushing in my ears that overtakes everything.
“Sorry, guys,” Colt mutters to Anna and Johnny as I turn away, burying my face in the pillow, broken and sobbing.
“Dee, I love you. We love you, and we’re both here for you when you need us,” Anna offers, sounding distant and muffled through her tears.
The bed dips behind me, and Colt wraps his arm around my body, bringing his hand up to rest against my chest. He holds onto me so tightly as he gently kisses behind my ear.
Colt doesn’t say anything, doesn’t tell me how much of a bitch I am for treating Anna that way. He simply lies there comforting me until my tears dry up, and there’s nothing left for me to cry.
I feel terrible!
I’m so angry at myself for treating Anna that way.
I’m so selfish.
But at the same time, I’m insanely jealous, and the thought of Anna being pregnant and giving birth soon does my head in.
I’m conflicted.
I’m angry.
I’m sad.
I’m confused.
But most of all, I am hurting.
This emotional pain is so much worse than anything physical I’ve endured since the accident. I would take broken arms and legs again in a heartbeat if it meant I didn’t have to feel like this. So unsteady, so lost.
I’m pushing everyone away.
My friends.
My family.
And I know Colt will be next—telling me I’m being irrational, telling me to ‘snap out of it.’
I can’t stand this.
This vulnerability.
This weakness.
I hate it.
I despise who I’ve become.
And the truth? I know I’m being irrational. I know pushing Anna away and lashing out at Dad isn’t fair. But I don’t know how to stop.
I don’t know how to be right now.
Should I let Colt go?
Should I set him free so he can find someone who isn’t so emotionally broken?
Someone who isn’t physically scarred?
Someone who can give him the family he deserves?
That’s what I should do.
But I can’t.
Because Colt is the only thing keeping me grounded in this storm, he’s my one safe place—steady, unshaken, full of love—even when I don’t deserve it.
Letting him go would be the unselfish thing.
But I’ve never been unselfish.
I was raised as an only child. I was spoiled, indulged, and used to having everything.
I don’t know how not to hold on too tight.
I wish Joseph and Danny were here. They always knew how to calm the chaos in my mind. They’d help me find the light in this darkness. Maybe they could guide me back to something that feels normal? Help me take back control of the emotions that are swallowing me whole.
Because that’s what this is.
A tidal wave of emotion—raging, unpredictable, and constantly crashing when I least expect it.
It’s not just breaking me, but it’s breaking Colt, too.
And he doesn’t say it, but I see it. The way he’s holding it all in. The way he’s pretending like he’s not hurting just as much as I am. He’s a man who thrives on control. He dominates every room, every situation, every moment…
… except this one.
And I know that must be tearing him apart.
In the past, he turned to drugs to numb the pain.
I pray—God, I pray—he’s not thinking about going down that road again.
That when we get back to London and life quiets down, he won’t go searching for a way to escape.
Whether it’s cocaine…
Or worse.
Jessi.