Chapter Fifteen
DEE
We’re sitting in the lounge room watching a re-run of Friends as Colt sips casually on a beer. My feet are up on his lap while he gently massages my foot with his free hand.
“I could get used to that,” I say, giving him a pointed look, and he chuckles.
“Well, maybe we can make this a regular thing. You, me, the couch, a beer, and a foot rub,” he suggests with a chuckle.
“Sounds great to me.” Even though we both know that now the band is starting up again, we won’t have nights like this for much longer.
He’ll probably be either in the recording studio, doing interviews, or touring, so our comfortable nights together will be few and far between.
But that’s fine. It’s how his life is meant to be, and if I want to be part of his life, I need to be okay with everything that comes with band life.
I let out a small yawn, and Colt smirks at me. “Right, off to bed we go,” he says, drinking the remainder of his beer in one swallow.
I nod, take my feet from his lap, and stand.
He stands behind me, taking my hand, and we walk upstairs with Princess lazily following behind us.
I think she is as tired as I am. We get to the bedroom, and I let go of his hand, making my way to our bed.
I sit on the edge and flop back onto the mattress while he walks into the ensuite.
Closing my eyes, I relax as I think about changing into my pajamas, but I honestly can’t be bothered moving. I might ask Colt to change me, I think to myself, and giggle, thinking how lazy that is, as I hear footsteps in the bedroom.
“And what are you giggling about?” Colt asks.
I open my eyes and look toward the side of the bed where Colt is standing naked and smirking at me.
Suddenly, I’m fully awake.
The sight of him naked and standing to attention in front of me is a damn good wake-up call, so I sit on the edge of the bed and grin. “Oh, nothing. I was thinking I was going to get you to change me into my PJs, but I think I’ll get you just to undress me instead,” I say, standing in front of him.
He grins and leans in, kissing me softly. “I was thinking about your offer this morning,” he whispers against my lips.
“Mm-hmm, and what did you come up with?” I ask as he trails kisses along my jaw to my neck, sucking seductively.
And now I am very awake.
“I thought maybe we could try. I’m not promising anything, and at the first sign of things hurting you, I’m going to stop,” Colt whispers against my lips.
Those few words are all I need to clench my thighs together, trying to dull the ache between my legs. “I can handle that.”
His lips crash into mine, firm and determined, as his hands slide around my waist and up my back. His tongue dips into my mouth while he lifts my shirt, pulling it up and over my head in one swift move. Then he’s back, kissing me hard as the shirt flies across the room.
I’m burning with need. His hands roam up my back, unclipping my bra, letting it fall to the floor. I grind into him, desperate for friction. One hand anchors me close, while the other cups my breast, his thumb circling my now-taut nipple.
A moan escapes me as his touch sets me ablaze.
Every caress fuels a more profound need.
My fingers tangle in his hair, pulling his mouth tighter against mine as I press my chest into his hand.
He trails one hand from my back to the front of my jeans, deftly popping the button and easing down the zipper.
His mouth leaves mine, working a path along my neck, across my chest, then down to my stomach.
He pauses at the waistband of my jeans, sucking gently, then hooks his fingers in the fabric and peels them down with a teasing slowness.
He glances up at me, his expression wicked, and my breath quickens.
The damp patch in my panties is undeniable.
He tugs my jeans off, one ankle at a time, then tosses them aside.
I catch sight of his erection—hard, thick, straining—and a desperate ache pulses inside me.
It’s been too long. I press into him, mouth claiming his in a kiss laced with hunger.
His hand fists in my hair, and when he gives a firm tug, a moan tears from my throat.
God, I love it when he’s rough.
He walks me backward until my spine meets the wall. His hips grind into mine, and I gasp at the contact, while his tongue tangles with mine, and the heat in my core spikes.
I won’t let him stop this time.
I need him.
I slide my hand down his back to his waistband, pulling him closer, and then tilt my hips, desperate for more, but it’s not enough. I take his cock in my hand, stroking, teasing the swollen tip with my thumb. His breath hitches, eyes fluttering closed.
Before he can react, I drop to my knees and take him fully into my mouth.
“Fuck, baby, I wasn’t expecting that.” He groans, bracing himself against the wall.
Smiling, I hollow my cheeks and take as much of him as I can.
He’s too big to fit entirely, so I wrap my hand around the base, stroking in time with my mouth.
My spit coats his length as I suck and lick, massaging his balls with my other hand.
His soft groans vibrate through him, his restraint slipping.
Then, finally, he grips my hair.
I moan around him at the dominance, and he starts to guide my rhythm.
This is the side of Colt I’ve been craving.
Rough, in control, lost in me.
“Fuck, Dee,” he mutters around a groan, hips thrusting gently.
Every time I stroke harder, he jolts, his fingers tightening. “Baby, I’m gonna come,” he warns, voice strained.
That’s all I need to hear.
I suck harder, faster, until he moans loud and deep.
Pulsing against my tongue, I swallow every drop, milking him until his grip slackens.
Colt leans over, steadying himself on the wall, and I rise slowly. He rests his forehead against mine, breath ragged. “Jesus, Dee… you made me come so fucking fast,” he murmurs.
I smile and slide my hand up his back, pulling him close. His kiss is soft now, slow, and lingering.
I’m still on fire.
Still waiting.
I deepen the kiss, hoping to stir him again, and it works. His cock presses into my stomach, hardening. I grin against his lips and stroke him until he’s fully hard once more.
He grabs my panties and tears them clean off.
Yes.
His body pins me to the wall, his mouth trailing along my neck, stopping to suck beneath my ear. I lift one leg and wrap it around him, giving him access. His fingers find my clit and rub in firm, perfect circles. I jolt. Moan. Rock into his hand while his other grasps my throat.
Weeks of waiting come crashing down on me.
My body tenses, hips bucking, every nerve lit up like fire.
Colt kisses me deeper, his tongue matching the rhythm of his fingers when my orgasm hits hard, and I cry out into his mouth, trembling in his arms.
My leg gives out, but he catches me easily, lifting and carrying me to the bed. He tosses me down, and I giggle at the bounce, breathless and happy.
I’m ready.
I know I can do this.
He crawls between my legs, kissing me fiercely. One hand caresses my hip while the other supports his weight.
But he’s hesitating.
Pulling back.
“Colt, please make love to me,” I whisper.
He kisses me gently, almost too gently. I push my tongue into his mouth, trying to coax him back into the moment. His hips rock once, and I tilt mine in response, craving him.
But again, he stops.
“I’m fine,” I whisper. “I just came, and it didn’t hurt. I need you.”
His eyes search mine, full of worry.
Then, finally, he presses forward.
The stretch is perfect. My body aches for it. I gasp, my eyes glistening with the pleasure as I lift my hips, needing more. But just as Colt pushes in further, he freezes.
“I’m fine, Colt. Please don’t stop—”
But I see it.
The fear in his eyes.
He shakes his head and pulls out, rolling away from me.
I whimper at the loss. “Colt! What’s wrong?”
He sits on the edge of the bed, head in his hands. “Fuck, Dee… why did I let you talk me into this?”
“Colt, you didn’t hurt me.”
He doesn’t look at me. “You were crying.”
“Because I’m happy.”
“No,” he says, shaking his head. “I can’t keep hurting you.”
I kneel behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist. “You didn’t. What’s hurting is how you’re shutting me out.”
He turns, and his eyes are glassy. “I’m sorry, Dee. I just… I can’t do this.”
My stomach sinks. “Can’t do what?”
He pulls away, walks to the closet, and grabs a pair of pajama pants.
I sit naked and stunned. “Colt!”
He turns, shaking his head. “I’m sorry. You’re just going to have to wait.”
“For what? You didn’t hurt me. Stop being ridiculous and just fuck me.”
He exhales, clearly torn.
So I lunge for him, kissing hard, wrapping my legs around him. But he groans and gently sets me back on the bed.
I’m reeling.
Hurt.
Rejected.
“Don’t you love me?”
“More than anything. That’s why I’m doing this.”
And then… he leaves.
He fucking leaves!
“I am going to the guest room,” he says like it’s nothing. “I love you, Dee.” Then he walks out, and the silence he leaves behind is deafening.
I stare at the door.
Waiting.
Hoping.
But he doesn’t come back.
My breath hitches, then rushes in fast, shallow bursts.
I can’t believe he did that—got me worked up, then left.
Oh God! Maybe he just isn’t attracted to me anymore?
Maybe my scar, my surgery, my emptiness make him see me differently.
The tears come fast before I hurl a pillow at the door, screaming out my frustration. Then I collapse, sobbing into the mattress, broken and hollow.
Are you really surprised, Dee? No. But I hate thinking this way.
This is Colt.
He doesn’t want to hurt me.
But not wanting to hurt me still hurts.
I lie here, trying to decide whether to follow him or let him go.
Each time I try to get up, I stop.
If he wanted to be with me, he’d be here. And that thought shatters me all over again.
Feeling unwanted is the worst kind of pain.
Maybe I am turning him off.
Maybe I am half a woman now.
No uterus.
No ability to carry a child.
Just scars and hot flashes and a body that reminds him of everything we lost.
The heat radiates through me, sticky and uncomfortable. I should be flushed from being with him, not from hormones reminding me of what’s gone.
Instead of passion and connection, all I have is this empty bed.
And every one of my fears staring back at me.
***
Princess is snuggled against me. I’ve turned away from the doorway, having given up on waiting for Colt to return. The clock reads eight in the morning—at least I got just over three hours of sleep.
She lifts her head at a sound, but I don’t bother looking. I lie here, staring at the curtains covering the balcony doors.
The bed dips behind me.
I consider turning, but I’m too tired, too emotionally spent.
Numb, if I’m honest.
The covers shift. Then Colt’s arm wraps around my waist, pulling me back against his chest. Tears spill again. It feels so right—his warmth, his hold—but everything he did last night proved that what I feel might not matter.
He left.
That says it all.
“Baby, I’m sorry I made you cry last night,” he whispers, kissing the space just behind my ear.
I sniff and wipe at the tears falling again.
“Are you crying now?” he asks gently. I don’t respond.
“I’m sorry. Just… know that I love you. I never meant to hurt you.
I thought I was doing the right thing. I don’t want to hurt you physically, but I still ended up breaking you emotionally.
I’m a bloody twat,” he mutters, kissing behind my ear again.
“I love you. So damn much. Please believe that.”
I say nothing. Just slide my hand down to rest over his, where it’s splayed across my stomach.
He holds me tighter. We lie in silence, time ticking by, both of us drowning in thoughts. He’s waiting for me to say something, but I don’t know what to say.
Words aren’t enough.
Not this time.
It takes an hour before I can even turn to face him. The exhaustion in his eyes matches my own, and somehow, that helps. He pulls me close, his hand brushing my cheek. His gaze is soft, remorseful.
But that doesn’t erase the fact that he didn’t want to stay.
That he didn’t want me.
He may love me in his way, but it’s not enough if he can’t be with me fully.
I’m not enough.
“Baby, can you please say something? Yell at me. Tell me you hate me. I don’t care, just… don’t shut me out,” he pleads, eyes fixed on mine.
The only words I can manage are, “I love you.”
He exhales like he’s been holding his breath for hours. Then he leans in to kiss me, pausing for my permission. I nod, and he presses his lips to mine, gentle and brief.
“I apologize for walking out last night,” he says. “If you give me a little more time to work past this fear of hurting you, we’ll try again. If that’s what you want.”
It’s everything I thought I wanted.
But now? I can’t shake the fear of being let down.
“It’s because I’m inadequate, isn’t it?” I mumble before I can stop myself. The words sting even as they leave my mouth.
His brows pull together sharply. “Baby, no. Why the hell would you think that?”
I shake my head, brushing it off. “It doesn’t matter.”
He doesn’t let it slide, cupping my face, forcing me to look at him.
“Dee, you’re everything I’ve ever needed.
Everything I’ve ever wanted. You complete me.
I don’t want anyone else beside me, just you.
I hate that I made you feel less than perfect because you are.
Inside and out. I wouldn’t change a single damn thing about you. ”
My throat tightens as I fight more tears. “Not even one thing?”
His smile is sad, but sure. “Only this tension between us right now. That’s it.
Because you? You’re perfect. I only want to make you happy.
Hearing you cry last night, knowing I caused that, it made me feel like the arsehole I’ve been trying not to be.
So today’s yours. Tell me what you want. Whatever it is, I’ll make it happen.”
“You were an arsehole,” I say, not letting him off the hook.
“But I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. I get that you’re scared, but the way you went about it, stirred up every insecurity I’ve been trying to bury.
” I pause, swallowing hard. “As for today, I don’t want anything.
I just want to sleep in your arms. If that’s okay. ”
“Oh, baby,” he murmurs, guilt clouding his voice. “I can’t apologize enough. And yeah… I didn’t sleep either. I can’t sleep without you.” He shifts onto his back so I can curl against his side.
I snuggle into him, feeling his warmth soak into my skin as Princess hops up and settles on Colt’s stomach. I give her a few gentle strokes, and the three of us lie half-asleep, and wrapped in each other.
Trying to forget the mess of the night before.