Chapter 18 Vivika #2
They're going to kill me. They're going to kill me to start a war, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
I press my fingertips to my temples and close my eyes, trying to block out the arguing, but it doesn't do much good.
They're arguing about my life as if I'm just a physical object to be fought over, or bought and sold. I feel sick and I need air.
"I want to go home."
Everyone in this room is insane. Using me as their precious leverage is over. I won't put my life on the line for this war I never asked to be a part of. I start to stand, but Lev pulls me back down as Yuri turns to me.
"I'm afraid that's no longer possible, Vivika." His face has transformed now into an expression of frustration, but there is compassion in his eyes too. He has a wife. Surely, he knows how she'd feel if she were in my position.
"But I never agreed to be your pawn. I never signed up to die for your family's business interests." My lip trembles again and my eyes flick around frantically, hoping one of them will see I'm human and I have emotions. This isn't fair to me at all. I don't want to keep playing their game.
"You're a smart woman, Vivika." Yuri stands tenting his hands on the table as he leans over it menacingly. Dimitri sits back down now, still scowling at me but calmer. "I'm sure Lev has explained to you what happens if you try to go home to your normal life." His eyebrows rise, and I can't respond.
I've heard this speech enough times to know those sick bastards will follow me back to my normal life and try to kill me there. But I never wanted this, and I just want out now. I want to feel safe in my own skin again.
The room blurs around me as tears flood my eyes. There's no going home. There's no normal life waiting for me on the other side of this nightmare. The woman I was before Lev's men grabbed me off that street corner—she's gone forever.
I push back from the table so hard, my chair tips over behind me, and then I'm running, stumbling toward the door with my vision swimming and my chest heaving with sobs.
I hear Lev call my name, but I don't stop.
I can't sit there one more second. I need to get out of this room full of men who've stolen my life and left me with nothing but danger and death.
I make it halfway down the hallway before I stop and lean against the wall, pounding my fists on it and sobbing. If I walk out that door without Lev, I'm dead. If I go home, I'm dead. If I stay—I could be dead anyway. How did this happen to me?
"Vivika."
The voice that speaks is feminine, and when I look up through my tears I see Inessa leaning on the wall beside me. She rests one hand on her belly and smiles softly at me, as if a smile would change what's going on.
"I know," she says quietly. "I know how you feel."
"How could you possibly know?" I hiss, and I know I sound bitter. "You're one of them. You're part of this family."
"It gets easier," Inessa says, taking my hand and holding it gently.
The touch is reassuring, but coming from someone else inside the family, I'm not sure how to take it.
"I won't lie to you and say it gets better, because this life is hard and dangerous and it takes more than it gives.
But you learn to adapt. And there are good parts. "
She places my hand gently on her belly, and I feel the baby kick against my palm—a tiny flutter of movement that seems too fragile, given the world this child is about to be born into.
That thought draws on a well of desperation inside me.
What if I want children too? Will my children be forced to live in this hell? Would Lev do that to me?
"Lev cares about you," Inessa says. "I know it, because I've seen him change in the past month.
Whatever you bring to his life, it's made him a better man…
" Her lip pushes out in a pout. "And when a man in this family says he owns something, he means it.
And that comes along with the protection of every man in that room, even Dimitri—who is about as sour as wine turned vinegar.
" She chuckles at me, but I don't smile with her.
I could see that about the man the instant I knew his name.
I look down at her belly, and I think about what it means to bring a child into a world like this one. Then I think about Lev, about the way he held me last night.
I don't know which way is up. I'm caught in a catch twenty-two and the only way out is through.
"I'm scared," I admit, and she rests her hand on my arm, squeezing gently.
"It'll be okay. Lev won't let a thing happen to you, and neither will Yuri. He's harsh at times, but he's loyal and he fights for his family."
As reassuring as she's trying to be, I'm not comforted.
If I could rewind time, I'd still go back to that day by the food vendor's cart and find a way to run away.
No love, no matter how strong or protective, is worth risking your life like this.
Lev is more than my captor now. I know I'm falling so hard in love with him, but I'd still choose my boring life.
Maybe that's why it's so hard to stay here now. Knowing how badly you want someone and knowing how totally incompatible you are with them is a devastating feeling. You know it will end badly, you just don't know when.