Chapter 13 Lucille
Chapter Thirteen
Lucille
“All this time…” I cried against the floor of the old, burned-down barn.
Rain poured down on me, leaving my body completely soaked as I sat there sobbing, feeling all the pain of that night as flashes of it played like a nightmare.
“I don’t understand!” I slammed my palm against the floor.
“I don’t understand!” I hit it again and again until it hurt.
I have all these pieces, but none of it makes any sense!
Thunder rolled overhead, and I stared up into the dark sky, past the skeleton of the barn, past the memories, and straight up at the gray clouds.
“I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! You shouldn’t have tried to save me,” I cried.
“Why did you try to save me!” My heart completely broke with my words. “It’s all my fault!”
“Lucille!”
Dad?
“Lucille!”
No…that voice…I’ve heard it before.
The memory flashed across my mind as Forsythe ran to me, and I was reliving that night…back in fire.
What is this?
My dad ran to me and held my body close, shielding me from the fire. “Stay with me, Lucille!” He was wearing his plaid shirt, but I couldn’t see his face.
Dad?
“Lucille!” The smoke cleared as the memory faded away, and kneeling before me was Forsythe.
Reality settled all around me and I realized where we were.
“Lucille—” He struggled to speak. “How did—”
“You promised!” My throat burned from the pain I felt. “You said no more lies! No more secrets!”
Forsythe looked at me with a pained expression. “I’m sorry—I–I didn’t know what to say.”
“You could've told me the truth!” He removed his jacket and tried to put it on me, but I shoved it away. “No! I don't want your help! I just want it all to make sense!” I smacked myself in the face, grunting as I slammed my fists into my head. “Why can’t I remember?”
He grabbed my wrists to stop me from hurting myself. “Enough, Lucille!” I tried to yank free from him, but he only pulled me in closer. “Stop it! Stop punishing yourself!”
“No! It should’ve been me! Don’t you get it?
” I stopped and stared up at him as he held my wrists tight.
“I was the one who drove drunk and wrecked. And when they brought me home, I threw a fit. Like a child! I used my mental health as an excuse to lash out and I hurt so many people.” I struggled to speak the truth I kept buried away for almost a decade.
“Had I not run away into this barn…had I not knocked the kerosene lantern over…or–or dropped my cigarette!” I bawled my eyes out.
“Then my dad would still be alive!” My body hunched over as I sobbed into Forsythe’s chest. “It should’ve been me that night! ”
“Don’t say that. You hear me?” He raised me up.
“You want the truth? Fine. Here it is. Your daddy loved you more than you can ever imagine. I’ve never seen a man so devoted to his children.
And all he ever wanted was for you to be happy.
He wouldn’t want you blaming yourself for something out of your control. ”
I shook my head. “You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do. It wasn’t your fault, Lucille.”
“Even if the fire was an accident, he still died trying to save me!” I struggled to breathe.
Forsythe gritted his teeth. “If anything, his death is my fault.”
“What?”
He hung his head low. “I was nearby that night, taking a late walk to clear my head. I had heard you and Memphis arguing, and instead of walking away, I got closer.” He paused.
“I knew I shouldn’t have listened in, but the pain in your voice…
the way you were shouting…the absolute rage and anger buried in your words resonated with something inside me.
I could feel it all as if it were my own.
It reminded me of the way I felt before I killed my dad.
And it frightened me. Not because of what you might do.
But because I knew your soul was just like mine.
Tortured and afraid of being alone.” His eyes met mine.
“I should’ve gone inside to talk to you, but then I remembered who I was and how much you’d always hated me.
And like a coward, I walked away. Had I stayed, maybe, just maybe, I could’ve saved you both. ”
“I–I don’t understand. I may not remember everything, but I remember my dad’s shirt. The plaid one he was wearing.”
Forsythe sighed. “By the time I noticed the fire, Ms. Nellie and Boone were already rushing towards it while Cooper and the others ran from the bunkhouse. I knew I was the closest one that could do anything. And as I ran to help you, I saw your daddy on the roof. He noticed me and shouted for me to save you. So, I rushed in. There was a decent-sized hole torn into the wall towards the back from Wimberly that she kept messing up. I had to peel it open enough to fit inside and it felt like forever, but I finally made my way through. By the time I stood up and realized how bad the fire was, your daddy was standing on top of that splitting rafter beam telling you to close your eyes. And then—” He hesitated, fighting back tears. “I watched him fall.”
The memory of that exact moment flashed behind my eyes.
“I panicked, Lucille. I ran straight to him, trying to help him…but he wouldn’t let me.
He told me to save you instead. And when I tried to ignore him and help, he grabbed my arm and made me promise him I would do everything in my power to save you.
That I needed to promise him I would spend the rest of my days protecting you and your family. ”
Tears poured down my face.
“I tried to argue, but he was too damn stubborn. He took that old plaid shirt off his back and handed it to me to protect my face from the smoke. And I did what he asked. I got his daughter out of there. I only wish I could’ve saved him too.
So you see, it’s not your fault. It’s mine.
Stop holding onto that pain and let me carry it for you. ”
My body shook with emotions. “I–I don’t understand.” Thunder boomed above us in the sky. “Why…why would he say something so–so stupid! Save me? Why?”
“Because he loved you, Lucille. He knew the sacrifice, and his death was worth saving you.”
I shook my head. “No it wasn’t! My life was not worth the cost of his!” My body bent over as I cried my heart out into his lap. “It should have been me,” I sobbed.
Forsythe gently gripped my face and lifted it. “Lucille.” I cried into his hands. “Lucille, look at me.”
I struggled to open my eyes, my vision clouded by my tears as I looked at him.
“Lucille.”
I tried to shake my head, but he refused to let me go. “Why did you save me? I’m not worth saving.”
“You are worth everything.”
My tears mixed with the cold rain and poured down my face and onto his hands. “No,” I breathed. “I’m not. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, how much I drink or smoke, nothing will ever fill this endless hole inside of me! I’m broken, Forsythe, and no matter how much you try, you can’t fix me.”
“I don’t want to fix you, because that means there’s something wrong with you. But you, Lucille, are anything but broken. And there’s nothing wrong with you.”
My stomach twisted at his words. “Nothing wrong with me? Look at me! I’m damaged beyond repair!”
“No, you’re not damaged. You’re healing.
You’ve endured so much and survived a traumatic event that took your daddy and the happiness you once had.
What you’ve lived through takes more strength than any of us here have, and to face it, knowing there’s an easier way out, is something to be proud of.
It’s something even I struggle to do. I know I may look strong, but my heart is nothing compared to yours, Lucille.
“Stop.”
“No. It’s time you heard the truth and stopped listening to those negative voices in your head, feeding you nothing but lies and venom.
You are more worthy than you can ever imagine.
You’re beautiful and wild and unafraid to be yourself.
You care so much for others, even if it means putting yourself last, and you ask for nothing.
I know you think you’re broken because of your mental health, but feeling things—good or bad—doesn’t mean you’re broken.
And it doesn't make you any less worthy of living.
You deserve to live, Lucille. You deserve to wake up every day and experience a life filled with both the good and bad, just as we are all meant to.
I wiped my eyes. “If I’m meant to do it, then why is it so hard? Why is choosing to exist so fucking hard?”
Forsythe smirked. “You’re right. Waking up and making that choice every day isn’t always easy.
It is hard, but that’s what living is. It’s riding those highs and drowning in the lows, choosing to push through no matter what fate throws at you.
” He stopped. “I know I said it was selfish, and I had no right, but Lucille…please,” he begged.
“Please, don’t run. I don’t want you to forget your past or hide your pain…
I’m asking you to share it with me. I want to help you heal.
I’ll ride those highs and wade through the depths of your lows, holding your hand every second of the way.
I just want to live this life with you. I want to stand by your side and remind you of every reason to keep on living and fill this place with so many good memories, you no longer dwell on the bad ones. ”
“Why?” I cried. “Why do you want me?”
“Because, ten years ago, on a late-night walk, I ran into a fiery redhead who was sneaking a cigarette out by the front gate.” He smiled.
“At first, I was pissed to find her out past curfew, breaking more rules and acting like a rebellious teen even though she was in her twenty’s.
But when I tried to talk to her, she gave me a smile, raised her middle finger, and told me to fuck off. ”
I covered my mouth. “No I didn’t!”
“Yes.” He laughed. “You did. And it was then I realized I was head over heels for you.” He carefully tucked my soaking wet hair behind my ears and held my face close.
“And the woman you are, the woman I see before me, who has survived all this pain and carried it alone for so long, deserves to be loved. You deserve to be loved, Lucille. I just hope that one day I can be worthy of your love. Because you are worth everything. And that day in the barn? I didn’t save you. You saved me.”
“How,” I whispered, nearly speechless. “I’m a fucking mess.”
Forsythe smiled. “I told you.” He pulled me close and pressed his lips against mine. “You might be a mess, but you’re my mess. And I like getting my hands dirty.”
I kissed him back, crying as he held me close. And in that moment, I knew the truth of how I felt. “I’m done running,” I breathed into him. He stopped and looked at me with my face in his hands.
“Lucille—”
“I’m done running, Forsythe. Because the only thing worth running to is staring back at me.
” He pressed his forehead against mine and cried as he held me.
“I know it won’t be easy, and there will be days where I struggle just to get out of bed, but I need you to be patient with me.
” He kissed my forehead. “And if I do try to run, I want you to chase after me. I don’t care how fast I run or how far I go, never let me go, Forsythe. ”
“I’ll never let you, Lucille.”
I completely melted into him, and for the first time in almost a decade, I felt lighter. There were no more secrets, no more lies, and no more ghosts. Just a chance to live my life the way my dad always wanted.