Chapter 16 - Elize #2
I told Martin everything. I’d been honest about everything with him, feeling that he was a guiding light in my life.
But all that time, he had just been calculating.
Waiting for me to feel like I didn’t belong.
It was like a nail was being slammed into my coffin as I stood there. “So you ended things.”
He frowned. “I didn’t want to lose you, Elize. I figured if I ended things, you would still be around. I could still see you from a distance.” He shook his head. “I think he planned to have you leave anyway.”
I felt tears burning, but they were out of anger. I wanted to scream at him that he should have tried hard. But I knew Martin. He was so persuasive and had a way of making you feel things.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “If I could turn back time and change things, I would, Elize.”
I quickly wiped at my eyes and forced a sob back. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He frowned. “Because I knew it would crush you to know the truth.”
“But I deserved to know the truth!” I snapped back. “Instead, I went years believing he was on my side, Troy! I spent my entire youth thinking he was looking out for me.”
It made sense. Martin was around more often those few weeks before I moved.
I never thought about it. He always said he just had time to hang with the family.
But it made sense. My parents’ sudden uneasiness and how Martin seemed to walk taller.
And how easily my parents let me leave. I always thought that if they truly cared, that would have been the moment they put their foot down.
I ran a hand over my face, my hands shaking with rage. “You should have told me!”
His shoulders sank. “Elize, I wanted to. You have no idea how badly I wanted to. But I didn’t know if you would believe me. He had everyone wrapped around his finger. He still does.”
I stiffened. The thing was, I wouldn’t have believed him. Martin was such a pillar in my life. I would have thought Troy was lying. Troy probably could have said anything, and I wouldn’t have believed him.
He pulled himself up. “Elize.”
I took a step back and shook my head. “You should have tried harder!” I felt my body shaking as I slammed my hand onto the table. “You didn’t try hard enough!”
“I did try,” he stammered. “I looked for you after everything. You stopped coming to school, and I couldn’t find you anywhere. You literally just disappeared. Your parents wouldn’t tell me anything. I even went to Martin and begged him to tell me where you went. No one would tell me!”
My eyes widened as he ran a hand over his face.
“I did look, Elize. I was fine with the fact that I would never hold you again. I was fine just watching from a distance. Jesus, I could live with myself. I’d hate myself, but I could do it.
I could watch someone else hold you and be there for you.
Fuck, I could be that fly on the wall for the rest of my life. But I could not never see you.”
My stomach bottomed out.
His face shifted into hurt. “I looked. I looked everywhere for you. I tracked you by scent, and I couldn’t find you. You have no idea how much I tried.”
He leaned onto the counter. “I made bad decisions after you let, Elize. Terrible decisions that I can’t take back. I just didn’t care about anything anymore.”
I swallowed. “What do you mean?”
He glanced at me. “I became an alcoholic. Got into fights and was asked to leave the pack.”
My mouth dropped. How had I not known this?
“The Alpha of this pack took me in. He told me to get my shit together. That if I continued down this road, I was going to become someone you would never want if you did return, and that hit hard. Because I didn’t even recognize myself anymore.”
I bite hard on my cheek to stop myself from saying anything. I didn’t know what to say. I had thought he had moved on. I told myself he’d found someone better.
I could see the desperation in his eyes. “Elize, I cared about you more than even myself. So, when I tell you that I tried, know I mean it.”
I felt a lump form in the back of my throat. My voice cracked now. “You got kicked out of the pack?”
He nodded. “Riley had it expunged when he became Alpha, but yes. I did many things.”
“Like?” I found myself needing to know. I had to know how far he went.
“I walked the street looking for you. I got into fights with anyone who said anything. I had a crappy attitude toward everyone. I got depressed. I was angry and wanted everyone to feel the same way.”
I felt new tears forming. “I always thought…” I shook my head, not wanting to finish the sentence.
“That what? That I just moved on?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I thought you’d moved on. That you got what you wanted.”
He frowned. “You thought I was using you for sex?”
“It was one of the thoughts.”
He frowned. “Elize, I would never.”
“I know that. A part of me knew that wasn’t it, but it was a thought. You gave me no reason why you were calling it off.”
He moved closer, reaching a hand up. He cupped my face. “I hate this.”
I could feel his hands shaking, and I pulled my hands up, placing them over his. He pressed his forehead against mine, and I could hear his breathing.
“I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am, Elize. I only wanted you. I will only ever want you.”
I knew he meant every word he said. I’d seen Troy lie, and he had tells. There was none of them here.
I licked my lips and looked into his eyes. “How do you know that? That you only want me?”
“Because you’re my mate, Elize. I knew it back then, and I know it now.” His eyes softened. “And I’m not making the same mistake twice.”
His hand moved, wiping at my eyes. His touch was soft as he cupped my face. “I will do whatever it takes to make this work, Elize. I would give up everything to just make this work. Name it, and it’s yours.”
I didn’t want anything. I had only ever wanted the truth, and this was a large pill to swallow.
“I need some time,” I whispered. I needed to digest everything he was telling me. I knew things would need to change, but I had to think it all through.
His nose slid over mine, and he nodded. “Okay.”
I looked down at his lips, wanting nothing more than to feel them against mine.
But I knew that if we kissed, it would lead further.
Emotions were high, and I wouldn’t think.
I would give anything to have his skin pressed against mine.
I wanted to feel his hands all over me and let them swipe everything away. But I knew we both needed to wait.
I leaned back. “I should go to bed.”
I could see that hurt look in his face, and I took his hand. “If we don’t… I know what we will do.”
His eyes went down to my lips, and I could see that hunger. “Troy…”
His eyes snapped back up. I reached up, placing a hand on his chest. “Time, please. I need to digest everything. And if we kiss… You know this is going to lead further.”
He swallowed. “I know.”
“Please don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like an injured puppy.”
He softly smiled. “Sorry. I just… I don’t want to lose you, Elize.”
“You’re not.” I stepped closer. “Troy, I want to forgive you, but I have to go through everything you just said. Martin was someone I thought I could trust, and you’re telling me I was wrong.
I need to think. And I can’t have sex with you.
I have to think about all of this logically, and that’s… sex is emotional.”
I felt his thumb rake over my lip. “I know. I just… a man can hope.”
I reached up, grabbing his hand. I placed a soft kiss on his knuckle and stepped out of his arms. I gave him a soft smile before I grabbed my phone and headed to my room. I could feel his eyes on me, and I knew I was making the right decision.
I shut the door behind me, and as the quiet settled over me, I realized I had so much to figure out.