Chapter 20 - Danica
DANICA
Iwatch the city lights blur past the window as Vadim drives us through Ada, heading toward the waterfront.
My hands rest in my lap, fingers twisted together, and I'm trying to figure out how I feel about all this.
Going on a date with him feels too normal for what we are.
We're not a real couple. This marriage was nothing more than a transaction, and even after everything that's happened between us, I'm not sure what we're supposed to be now.
But I owe him this much. He saved my life when Marko had a gun to my head, and if maintaining appearances means playing the devoted wife for an evening, then I can do that.
Besides, going out feels kind of special, like he actually cares about me, though I'm not sure what that means for a man like him.
He's had every opportunity to tell me he really cares about me and at times, I've felt like he does.
But he never says it and I'm left wondering.
If he did, would it mean anything, anyway?
Could I stay with him in this life he lives if he does?
"You're quiet," Vadim says, glancing at me briefly before returning his attention to the road.
"Just thinking."
"About?"
"How strange this is."
His mouth quirks slightly. "Strange how?"
"We're going on a date like normal people. But we're not normal people."
"No," he agrees. "I suppose we're not."
He doesn't elaborate and I don't push. The silence between us isn't uncomfortable, just weighted with things neither of us knows how to say or maybe that's just the way it feels to me.
I know how to say the words, "I love you.
" I just don’t know if I want to say them out loud.
If saying them might break some spell that's been cast over us that pulls him toward me.
When we pull into the parking lot of Sunset 1999, I recognize it immediately. It's one of the nicer restaurants in the area, the kind of place where people come to celebrate something important. It's a pricey place and I feel underdressed and nervous.
Vadim comes around to open my door and offers his hand, so I take it, letting him help me out of the car. We walk inside together and the hostess greets us with a bright smile, leading us to a table by the window that overlooks the water.
"This is beautiful," I say once we're seated, looking out at the view. The sun is starting to set, making the sky glow brilliant colors that capture my eye for a moment. It's beautiful, almost like God himself painted it for me.
"I thought you'd like it."
The way he says it, like he actually considered what I might enjoy, makes something flutter in my stomach.
I pick up the menu to distract myself, scanning the options even though I'm not really absorbing the words.
I feel conflicted. After my revelation of feeling safe with him, I've done nothing but think of how he didn't hesitate to run to me when I needed him.
That's got to be a sign of affection, right?
So why can't he say to me that he cares?
"Wine?" Vadim asks.
"Yes, please," I murmur without looking up at him.
I'm too lost in my thoughts and too easily distracted by his charm and good looks.
He told me this little outing is only to make sure anyone watching us is convinced that we're really married, though I don't believe him.
If MUP was going to come after us, they'd have done it by now.
He orders a bottle and when it arrives, he pours for both of us.
I take a sip and it's good, better than anything I usually drink.
Everything about this evening feels elevated, from the choice of restaurant to the amount of attention he's paying to me.
Maybe I'm a fool, but I believe Mr. Vadim Gravitch is finding it hard to put his feelings into words, and this is his way of saying what can't be said.
"So," I say, setting my glass down. "Are we supposed to make conversation like a real couple, or do we just sit here and look convincing?"
Vadim's expression softens and a smile quirks his lips. "We can talk. I'd like to know more about you." God, his smile is so dazzling. When he's happy, he puts me in a trance.
"What do you want to know?" I say softly. I'd tell him anything at this point.
"Tell me about growing up. What was your childhood like?"
I lean back in my chair and think about my childhood. It's been a long time since anyone asked me about my past, and even longer since I wanted to share it. But I don't mind talking about it. I feel a special fondness when I think of growing up alongside Dusan.
"It was good, mostly… normal. My parents worked hard to give us a decent life. We lived in a small apartment in Belgrade, nothing fancy, but it was home. Dusan and I were close growing up. He was my best friend."
"What was he like?"
"Funny. Charming. Everyone loved him." I trace the rim of my wine glass with one finger. "He had this way of using laughter to defuse tension… so incredible. I thought he'd do something amazing with his life."
"What happened?" Vadim leans forward and sips his wine, and he seems to really want to know.
His question is gentle, not prying, and I appreciate that.
"He started gambling. Then he got in with the wrong people and started losing more than he could afford to pay back.
And then one day, he just disappeared. Left me to clean up his mess.
" I still feel bitter about it, though that was so long ago, I can't remember the actual day it happened.
"You miss him."
Vadim makes a keen observation and I nod at him, feeling misty-eyed. "I do. Even after everything. He's still my brother."
When the waiter arrives to take our order, I let Vadim handle it.
He's so confident and self-assured. He doesn’t even ask what I want.
He orders something he swears I will love, so I let him take charge because since I've met him, he hasn’t been wrong once.
When the waiter is gone, I turn the conversation to him.
"What about you? What's St. Petersburg like?" I'm intrigued now, though it feels odd getting to know my husband after the marriage has taken place and I've already fallen for him.
"Cold." He chuckles and I snicker with him. "It's dark in the winter. The sun barely comes up for months. And summer is short-lived, but beautiful."
"Did you like it there?" I sip my wine carefully and notice how his eyes spark when I speak of his home. He enjoys being in the spotlight.
"It was home. I didn't really think about whether I liked it or not." He takes another sip of his wine. "My family wasn't close. My father worked all the time, my mother took care of the house, and my brothers and I mostly stayed out of each other's way."
"That sounds lonely."
"It was." He's quiet for a moment, and he stares at his wine glass with distant eyes. "I had a friend growing up. Alexei. We were inseparable, got into all kinds of trouble together. He wanted to be a doctor. Used to talk about how he'd save lives and make a difference in the world."
"What happened to him?"
"He died when we were nineteen. Caught a bullet that wasn't meant for him." Vadim's jaw tightens. "After that, I stopped letting people get close. It seemed safer that way."
His story makes my chest ache. I reach across the table without thinking and place my hand over his. "I'm sorry."
"It was a long time ago," he says, but he takes my hand gently.
"That doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt."
He looks down at our hands, then turns his palm up to thread his fingers through mine. "No. It doesn't." It's such a subtle touch but so powerful. My heart feels joined to his and I ache for the pain he's suffered.
Our food arrives and the meal is incredible, each course better than the last, and I find myself relaxing into the evening so much that it really does feel like a date.
Vadim's more interesting than I gave him credit for.
There is a depth to his life I ignored, and learning about him is fascinating.
"Can I ask you something?" I say between bites.
"Of course."
"Do you ever wish you could do something else? Something normal?"
Vadim shrugs one shoulder while he takes a bite, answering with food in his mouth. "Every day."
"Then why don't you?"
He chews carefully and swallows while he cocks his head and sighs. "It's not that simple. This world doesn't let you go easily. Once you're in, you're in."
"But if you could," I press. "If you could just walk away and start over, would you?"
"Yes." The answer is immediate and honest. "I'd find a quiet place somewhere, maybe by the water. I'd do something with my hands, maybe learn a trade."
The vulnerability in his voice makes my heart clench. I squeeze his hand gently. "You're not alone anymore. You know that, right?"
His eyes meet mine and the intensity there takes my breath away. He brings my hand to his lips and kisses my knuckles. The gesture is so tender, it makes my eyes sting.
"I know now," he says quietly. His eyes fix on mine, and I'm speechless. Whatever is happening between us feels hypnotic. My soul is being woven to his on a deep level, and I like what I’m experiencing.
When dessert arrives, I'm completely lost in the moment.
The setting sun has given way to twilight, and the first stars are starting to appear overhead.
It feels like I'm in a good dream that I will awaken from and find myself wishing it were real.
We don't even have to speak and the magic still sparks between us.
"Walk with me?" Vadim asks when we finish.
"Where?"
"The beach. It's just down the path."
"Of course," I say, and he settles the bill before guiding me outside.
We walk down to the water, slipping off our shoes to feel the sand between our toes.
The moon is full overhead, and the air is warm and pleasant.
The city hums around us, but the sound of the water lapping on the shore is relaxing.
"This is nice," I say softly, and Vadim's hand finds mine again.
"It is." Vadim's body radiates warmth so I lean into him as the breeze threatens to chill me. He's steady and I feel secure leaning on him. And when he speaks, his voice rumbles through me. "Why aren't you married? Before all this, I mean."
I'm not at all surprised by that question. I get it a lot, though not usually like this. "I guess the right man never came along."
"What would the right man be like?" I get the feeling that Vadim is measuring himself against my imagination and hoping he stacks up, so I think about it for a moment before responding.
I don’t have to look at him to remember all the qualities I actually enjoy about him. All I have to do is list them off. "Someone strong… Someone I can fight with as passionately as we make love… Someone who will always protect me, no matter what."
"That's it?"
"Well," I say, a small smile tugging at my lips. "It would help if he wasn't a professional killer. That's kind of a dealbreaker in most relationships."
Vadim laughs from deep in his belly, and it makes my heart skip. "Fair enough."
"But other than that," I continue, my voice softer now, "someone exactly like you."
He stops walking and turns to face me. His hands rise to frame my face as he looks at me like he's trying to memorize every detail. Whatever he's about to say, my heart feels so fragile. I can barely take the excruciating anticipation.
"Danica—"
His phone rings, shattering the moment, and he closes his eyes briefly while his brow furrows in frustration, then he pulls the device from his pocket. He glances at the screen and his expression hardens.
"I need to take this."
"It's alright," I say calmly, though it's just as frustrating for me.
He walks a few steps away as he answers. I can't hear what he's saying, but I watch the tension creep back into his shoulders, the way his free hand clenches into a fist at his side. Whatever the call is about, it's pulled him back into that other world he lives in.
I turn my attention to the water, trying to hold onto the feeling of the evening even as reality intrudes. I know what I feel for him now. I'm in love with Vadim, and it's a powerful feeling.
But love isn't enough.
Love doesn't change what he is or the life he leads. Nor does it erase the danger or make this situation any less impossible.
Regardless of how I feel, I know love is not all you need to have a healthy relationship.
Trust and security and respect—they're all important.
And while I believe I can trust Vadim in some things, there are other things I'm not sure of.
And when it comes to security, I don't think it’s something he could ever provide.
It breaks my heart, but even if he had said those words just perfectly, I'm not sure it would make much of a difference.
I don’t fit in Vadim's world at all. And I don’t know if I ever will.