Chapter 32
Gavriil
I don’t hold Alina’s hand as I lead her to my bedroom, but, fuck, I want to.
And that’s a problem.
Everything that I’ve been doing lately blows up in my face, and I’m too weak to stop it. I’m letting my feelings lead me and I was taught never to do that. That’s how people end up heartbroken, vulnerable, weak, and dead.
I don’t want to become any of those things, but Alina has been steadily chipping away at my defenses ever since we first met. She’s no longer just my brother’s beautiful hostage. She’s become more than that.
It’s too much.
She challenged me in front of my own men, and instead of punishing her, I made her come. Twice. Instead of using her the way I’ve used other women to reclaim control, I pleasured her.
I wanted her to feel good. I didn’t even think about myself.
Once we enter the bedroom, I shut the door behind us, my heart pounding. I should’ve sent her to Dominik instead of weakening myself further by keeping her to myself. But when she agreed to sleep in my bed tonight, it felt like the biggest win of my life.
Finally, she’s going to sleep in my bed. Willingly.
The first time when she was on death’s door doesn’t count.
“You can borrow one of my sleep shirts if it’s more comfortable,” I offer as I walk over to my dresser.
“Okay,” she says as she pauses near the left side of the bed. “Are you really going to do it? Apologize to Dom?”
“I’m considering it,” I say as I open the drawer and pull out two white t-shirts, one for her and one for me. I walk around the bed and place hers in her hand, our fingers brushing.
“Thanks,” she tells me as she unfolds the shirt, holding it against her smaller figure.
It’ll swallow her, but it’ll be comfortable.
I quietly nod and turn away from her to undo my tie, wishing my heart would stop racing. It’s not that I’m nervous. I’m eager for something that shouldn’t matter at all.
I don’t let women sleep in my bed. Much less with me next to them.
But I don’t want her to be done with me tonight, so I’m going to be selfish and keep her to myself for a little while longer. Being with her is like drinking poison that tastes achingly sweet.
And I want what Dominik had, to just hold her.
I never understood the point of such an innocent act before she almost died.
Holding her that night, I realized that I would do anything to keep her alive.
Any fucking thing. The thought terrified me at first, but it also felt good, like I finally had a worthwhile purpose in my life—protecting her.
It was my fault she got so sick in the first place. Owning up to that truth wasn’t easy.
How do you protect someone when you’re their biggest threat?
I’m beginning to think the only way to do it is for me to let her go.
Just not yet.
I selfishly need a little more time with her, with her goodness.
Alina finally pulls off her dress, her hands moving slowly and delicately. I think she’s nervous, but she won’t admit it.
I know I’m a prideful person, but who went on a hunger strike and nearly starved herself to death?
I shrug off my suit jacket and take off my shirt, the cool air hitting my bare skin. I glance over my shoulder at her, my eyes lingering on her breasts as she removes her bra. Her nipples are already hard, goosebumps lifting on her skin.
Maybe I should’ve given her something warmer.
Alina glances over at me, but she doesn’t tense up or flinch at the sight of me staring at her. She watches me instead as I unbuckle my belt, her expression going through a range of emotions.
She doesn’t know how she feels, while I can’t control how I feel.
I’d prefer her predicament.
I pull off my pants and toss everything in my laundry basket, keeping the floor clean from discarded clothes, trash, or clutter. I can’t stand things being out of place.
Yet, she’s not in her cage where she belongs.
Alina pulls on the t-shirt that I gave her, the end reaching mid-thigh. She pulls back the covers on the bed and slips in under them, surprising me by lying on her side to face me.
I put on a pair of sweatpants and my shirt before copying her, resting on my side with half a foot of distance between us. Something stirs in my chest as we gaze at each other in silence, the air between us growing tense.
Shit. What am I doing? I should take her however I want, but I can’t bring myself to move just yet. My muscles feel locked up.
Alina’s foot grazes my leg under the covers. “You don’t have to be all closed off with me.”
I cock an eyebrow at her. “What do you mean?”
Alina shrugs. “You always try to put up this front. You shield what you’re thinking. You hide what you’re feeling…unless you’re drunk. You never smile.”
Why does she care? She thinks I’m heartless and selfish, so why would she want to know what’s going on inside my head?
“Nothing good comes from wearing your heart on your sleeve,” I tell her.
Alina rolls her eyes. “You can be kind and honest without looking weak. You don’t have to always be so cold and ruthless.”
She has too much hope. One day, it’s going to get her killed, and I don’t want that.
Why won’t she guard herself better? Probably because my brother has gone soft and allowed her to let herself become vulnerable.
“You should know better than anyone that as soon as you show even a hint of where your weakness lies, someone will make you pay for it,” I reply.
Alina sighs and reaches out to touch a loose strand of hair on my temple. “Thinking that way must be exhausting.”
Everything is exhausting. My whole fucking life has been exhausting, but I’d rather kill myself maintaining control than give it up to someone else who could hurt me or my brother.
I fought too hard for both of us to let my guard down now.
“I sleep fine,” I say as I take her wrist, lowering her hand from my face.
Alina frowns as I place her hand between us. “You look tired.”
“I’ve been busy.”
“You’re going to run yourself into the ground if you try to keep this up,” she replies as she shakes her head, her brow furrowing like she’s…concerned. “You need help.”
This is going too far. Too deep. I didn’t bring her into my bed for a therapy session, and I need to make that clear.
“What I need is to finish what I started,” I tell her as I move closer to her, my hand resting on her cheek.
Alina’s eyes automatically slide shut as I capture her lips in a deep kiss. She tenses at first like she’s going to resist, but when my tongue teases hers, she melts and eagerly tastes me.
I focus on the desire pounding through my veins right now, pushing all the other thoughts and concerns aside. I want to feel her fall apart while I’m inside of her, and I want to hear her scream my name while that happens. If not tonight, then soon.
Fantasies are fine. Feelings are not.
I tear off the shirt that she just slipped on, exposing her breasts so that I can tease her nipple with my teeth.
Alina gasps at the sensation, her back arching as I move over her body. She rolls onto her back, her hands sliding up my arms as I hover above her.
I switch over to the other nipple, securing my lips around it to suck hard. My cock starts to harden and strain against the front of my sweatpants as she moans and fists my hair. It takes everything in me not to shove inside her.
“Gavriil…”
I lift my head to kiss her again, lightly groaning as she wraps her thighs around my waist. The friction clouds my mind with heat, and I can’t help but rock against her as our kiss deepens by the second.
Alina tugs on my shirt, drawing the material up my torso until she can pull it off.
I slip my hand into her panties, my fingertips grazing her clit.
She inhales deeply, her hips rolling up against my hand as I rub steady circles. “Oh…”
I can’t wait to hear her cry out for me again and again.
“Still sensitive,” I say, my cock aching. “But desperate for more, aren’t you?”
Alina grips my upper arms as a shaky breath leaves her.
I need more from her than that. She’s holding back.
My lips hover near her ear. “I told you that I wasn’t going to fuck you until you begged for it.”
Alina gasps as I sink two fingers inside of her. She takes me as well as she did earlier. “I…”
She wants to resist. Of course she does.
“No excuses,” I say, my lips brushing the shell of her ear. “Tell me what you want. Tell me that you want me.”
Her breath hitches, and a moan breaks from her as I suck on her earlobe. “Gavriil…”
“Tell me,” I say, rocking my fingers in and out of her. She’s nearly dripping at this point for me.
Our eyes lock, and she already looks wrecked with her kiss-swollen lips and dark eyes. “I can’t,” she says while sliding her fingers into my hair. “I’m sorry, Gavriil.”
I should’ve known.
“Right now, you’re all mine,” I tell her, claiming her lips again.
I’d give anything to hear her beg for more. But just being with her like this eclipses every other pleasure I’ve known. We feel like…a perfect fit.
But I know that’s not the case. It can’t be.
Instead of being a stubborn, prideful bastard, I should accept the truth and spare myself the misery I’m subjecting myself to by keeping her close to me.
Dominik is who she really wants.
What we have…it’s just lust and desire. A game that we like to play.
Temporary.
Alina probably only agreed to sleep with me because it gives her some control over me. When I lose control, she wins. She’s smart enough to have realized that by now.
Inviting her into my bed was foolish knowing that she would rather be with Dominik.
But I’m going to hold her tonight anyway.