Chapter 12 #2
It was a question, not a demand. I appreciated that.
We both knew he had the right to his history, but this was a gentler transition of the ugliness I carried with me.
I spoke quietly because I didn’t want these words in Levi’s consciousness—ever.
Part of me hoped the rushing water would wash the horrors downstream.
“Maybe. If so, it wasn’t an intentional choice where I was looking to be a hero with your mother.
Well, maybe I was. She was delicate, emotionally fragile in a way I understood.
Yes, that was like my mother.” I paused, let that truth sink in.
By talking to Nash and Jasmine I’d gained so many new insights into my actions, myself.
“But no…Carolina burned with life. I never knew my mother like that. She was scared, beaten not just with my father’s fists but with the threats made by both my dad and granddad.” Succinctly, I told him the story of my parents’ deaths.
We sat silently next to each other, simply breathing as the story settled into the water.
I imagined it rippling downstream, getting buried in stones and gravel.
Bits of it sliding into a much larger river and getting swallowed by fish or even drifting out deep into the ocean.
Far away from Nash, Aya, Levi, and Jasmine.
I inhaled in increments, surprised by how hard and yet how freeing it was to no longer carry that burden alone. Without Jasmine’s presence in my life, I never would have told Nash.
And I realized this is what family was: we held each other’s worst moments, the pain from them, until that person was strong enough to bear the burden. Or we simply helped carry it…as I did Nash’s former addiction. We grew stronger, more capable because the bonds we’d forged together were stronger.
That was a power I’d never understood, never wanted because I hadn’t known I needed it.
I swallowed as the epiphanies continued to whirl through my mind.
Family didn’t have to be a burden, a trauma to overcome.
This family, with Nash, Aya, and Levi—with Jasmine—was something good.
Something that made me better and stronger.
I bet Nash had figured that out already; that was why he and Aya had such a profound bond. I envied my son that connection with his wife and it was something I strove to build and deepen with Jasmine.
Still, forever, my boy taught me about life. I was so blessed to have him in my life.
“Pretty fucked up life,” Nash said when I finished.
“Hey! He doesn’t need to hear that,” I said, gently cupping Levi’s ear.
Nash chuckled. “He’s sleeping, but I’ll keep my words from here on out PG.”
“Good. That’s my grandson you’re corrupting.”
Nash laughed again. My heart lifted. Sure, he wasn’t ready to admit to us having a genuine bond, but he was lighter than usual—almost carefree. I enjoyed spending time with him, which was hard to do with all his responsibilities. I wanted more of these memories with my family.
My mind flashed back to dinner with Jasmine last night. I wanted more time with her, too.
“I’m in love with Jasmine Grace,” I blurted, before I let the fear get the better of me.
Nash sobered and studied me. The moment dragged out and my heart pounded. Then he said, “I know.”
“How the hell…heck could you know?” I asked. “I just figured it out.”
Nash knocked his shoulder into mine. Gently. I appreciated that because I didn’t want to wake the baby.
“The way you look at her—it’s how Cam looks at Jenna, or how I assume I look at Aya.”
I pursed my lips. “The lovesick puppy eyes?”
Nash chuckled. “Yep.”
“Hell.”
“Stop corrupting my son,” Nash said again, but there was no heat to his words.
We both stared at the water. “You okay with that possibility? Of Jasmine and me?” I asked. “I mean, your mom—”
“Is dead,” Nash said. His face was stormy, just like always whenever someone brought up Carolina Syad Porter. But he remained relaxed. “And you two were together a long, long time ago.”
“Not that long,” I grumbled.
“Long ago. As in ancient history,” Nash teased.
“Stop calling me old.”
“I didn’t. You did.”
Nash’s smile slid off his lips, and he pressed them together, his expression turning earnest. My heart pounded because I knew this look meant Nash had ruminated on the subject and he was voicing his deepest concerns.
“Mama Grace is awesome. I like the idea of the two of you together because the both of you have been my parents…at least since Lev died, so, in a way, it’s like coming home. Granted, you have to win over the Grace kids, but I’m all for one big, blended family.”
Nash rarely mentioned his older brother, but that had been the catalyst for so much change in his life—what brought me into it. I hoped Cam, Jasmine, and I had helped guide him. Even with all our love, Nash had made some spectacularly poor decisions. But he was here now, happy and healthy.
We all created our own path.
Looking back into a time I couldn’t change wasn’t the answer. I knew that, but Jasmine helped clarify my priorities, my future…just as Aya did for Nash.
Levi grunted as he filled his diaper. He opened his eyes and frowned, unhappy with the state of his pants and to find out that he had fallen asleep. He fussed, which would soon turn into full-blown cries.
Nash reached for him, then stood up, stretching a bit as he murmured to his son. Levi, however, was not interested in being soothed.
“All right, I hear you, sweet baby.” Nash jiggled him a little. “A clean diaper and mommy. I like spending time with her, too.”
I chuckled, loving how the words slipped out of Nash’s mouth. My boy was content, and he was so in love with his family. I rose more slowly thanks to my stiffer joints. I dusted the seat of my jeans as Nash headed back toward the house.
He stopped to call back over his shoulder, “For what it’s worth, once you were sure you were my father, you’ve been a good one.”
My throat worked as I choked up on Nash’s comment. I opened my mouth but had to shut it. Much to my surprise, tears filled my eyes. I blinked hard I stared out at the water longer, soaking up Nash’s words.
He waited even though Levi’s whimpers increased. I cleared my throat and smiled at him. Tears leaked from the corners of my eyes but I didn’t care.
“That means more to me than I can ever tell you.” I cleared my throat as I huffed.
Nash shot me that cocky smile that I hated but made all the women who met him swoon—even, especially Aya.
“You’re welcome, Pops. We’ll see you soon, yeah?”
“You will. And Nash?”
He turned from where he’d been walking up the gentle slope. ““Thank you,” I said, my voice gruff. “For letting me in. You didn’t have to. I know that.”
Nash laughed, and it was a light, carefree sound. “I’m glad I did. I’m glad you’re here. But if you don’t let me get this kid’s diaper changed, I may change my mind.”
I chuckled as I followed him back to the house. Thanks to my talk with my son, my connection to Levi and Jasmine, I actually believed that I deserved love and happiness, too.