Chapter 008 Lennie
I can't decide if I like the photograph better as an oil painting or as a portrait, like most of the others. Like the one Levi bought from me. It came out perfectly, the way I figured it would. The whole batch of them, that is. Secretly, I develop the ones I took of Levi and me. In another lifetime, under different circumstances, we would make the perfect couple. His blonde, soft features complementing mine. His large, burly body juxtaposed behind my petite frame. But it's not just that. It's the way he looks when he's in front of the lens with me. Well, maybe it's not just with me—maybe he's just incredibly photogenic. I'll never know unless I see him in other photographs. So I hop on social media, hoping he's got a profile somewhere.
He does.
There are tons of pictures he's posted of horses and nature. Some of them are even portrait-worthy. He's listed the ranch as his place of employment, so I know he must be on social media regularly. There aren't any pictures of him except for one of him holding a fish in the air, one he evidently just caught. Even digging back years, it's just random pictures here and there of him with various horses and nature. It says a lot about him. After giving up on Facebook, I head over to Instagram. There's still nothing there but repeats of some of the photographs from Facebook. But then I find something interesting. It seems Levi has more than one social media account. The first one I found was just using his first and last name. But the second one, he's listed himself on Facebook as "The Jeans Guy," giving a nod to his name.
That's where I find it. He's been tagged in a photo with a girl named Shelly Givens. She's taken a selfie of the two of them, in what appears to be a backyard backdrop, and he's not even looking at the camera. It's almost like she took it without his knowledge. She does not look like his type. For starters, she's at least a decade older than him, if I were to guess, and she looks kind of rough around the edges. She's blonde but not a natural one, and her haircut looks homespun. The wrinkles at the edges of her eyes aren't from smiling happily—the shot shows her with a blank face and a fake smile. Like she's one of those types that puts on a show for social media. One of those annoying ones that makes like her life is so goddamn perfect.
Levi looks lost. I'm guessing this is before she got pregnant, or before they knew anyway. I find myself staring at the photo, wanting so badly to post the picture of us on my social media page. If I'm evil, I'd do it, and I'd tag him too. But I won't. Jealousy doesn't suit me well. My gaze goes from one screen to the next, comparing the photographs, mentally patting myself on the back even though I know he's not mine. But I can pretend. That's all I've ever known. That's probably all I ever will know, and I'm okay with that. I've been blessed with so much more in my life that whether or not I find someone to love for real is irrelevant.
And just as I'm about to do something stupid and actually post something on my private Facebook page about a new friend, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I see it's Trisha, and she's at the door even though I closed hours ago. She sure knows where to find me. If I'm not home, where else would I be? I let her inside. "What are you up to?"
It's always her first line.
"I was just working on some pictures I took earlier. It's so late. Why aren't you home in bed?"
She shrugs. "You know me."
Trisha's a night owl. But it infuriates me because she can function on like three hours of sleep, whereas I'm a zombie with less than seven. Tomorrow I open late and stay open late, so I can get away with it. She sees the picture of me and Levi still up on the screen. Her face says it all. Eyes bright, hands on cheeks, mouth wide open. "Oh my God! Are you two dating? This is so exciting!"
"No, we're not dating, and it's never going to happen either, so stop getting your hopes up."
"What? Why?" She sits down on the guest chair and turns my laptop to face her so she can get a better look at the photograph of Levi standing behind me, smiling into the camera lens.
"Because he's with someone else."
"So? People break up."
"And she's pregnant."
Her eyes widen. "With his child?"
"No, Trisha, with Elton John's love child. What do you think?"
"Alright, alright. No need to get testy." She mutters, dipping her head down. "So, if he's with someone else, then why is he taking these cozy little shots with you?"
I shrug. "I don't know. We were out taking pictures of this." I click over to the batch of photographs I took digitally. "And I took a couple of test shots. That's what we ended up with."
"He is a mighty fine specimen, if I do say so myself."
"He's not a piece of meat, Trisha."
"Well, of course he's not. But he sure makes a great cowboy."
"He's also studying to be an architect."
"Ah, so he's got a brain under that hat, does he." She licks her lips. "I bet he's also got one nice package in his shorts too. I stole a peek when I was at your place and he dropped you off."
I snort a laugh and slap her playfully.
"Yes, you know, don't you." She growls. I can tell she's growling because when she does, the veins in her neck protrude.
"Stop!" I giggle.
"Oh man, but it's too bad about the baby thing though." She shakes her head. "Unless maybe he doesn't want to stay with her?"
"Which is irrelevant, since he'll still be committed to her, and she looks like she won't take no for an answer."
Her eyes widen. "You've met her?"
"No, but I did check her out on social media. Some Shelly Givens. Hard looking."
She gestures feverishly with her hands. "Show me! Show me!"
I love this girl. She even learned sign language so we could talk about people at events. I also taught her how to read lips, and she sometimes corrects me when I start falling out of my speech patterns and start to sound like a deaf person again. We went to this snooty family gathering on her side one year for Christmas and stood on the sidelines, signing to each other how fat this person got and how stupid this one is, and so on. Trisha's the best. Nobody suspected a thing since all her family knows I'm hearing impaired. They didn't bat an eyelash.
I pull up the photo. "Oh, what a tart! Look at her!" she comments. "And he knocked her up? What does he see in her?"
"I don't know. But she may be different than she looks. Looks can sometimes be deceiving, don't you know."
Trisha places a hand on mine. "You are like a million times prettier than she is. And the fact that his smile is so warm and wide in that picture with you just tells you that he's over her."
"I'm not competing, Trisha. How can I?" My question's rhetorical.
"Well, how do you know he's going to stay with her? I mean, look at that mug on him in that photograph?"
"You're basing his happiness on the fact that he's going to be a daddy with this woman on one picture that he likely didn't know was being taken?"
"I know. You're right." By her tone she's fishing. "I want to meet her. Let's go stake her place out or something."
"First, neither of us knows where she lives, and second, you can come to the Copper Cove Hoedown next weekend and see her there. At least that way there won't be a restraining order after."
"She's going to be there?"
"Everyone is going to be there. And anyone that knows anyone that will be there is going too. You know how it works."
"I do. But she's from Dallas."
I shrug. "That's what Levi said. That she's coming."
"Did he say whether or not he was going to share the fact that he was hanging around with you tonight? Taking cozy pictures with you?"
"We're just friends, Trisha. And that's all we can be. Like I said."
She doesn't say anything for a beat. "Man, this bites. The first good fit you've had with a guy and he's not on the damn market. Why couldn't he be stupid or ugly?"
"Because I can't have everything, that's why, Trish. Look, I've got a fantastic career, more money than I need, a supportive family, and great health. Why should I also get to have the man of my dreams?"
She gives me a look. "Are y'all saying that you don't deserve it?"
We've been through this before. "You know that's not what I mean. It just means that I can't have it all."
"But you're deaf, Lennie. You already don't have everything."
She doesn't mean that to be as harsh as it sounds. Trisha loves me to death, and she would never say anything or do anything to hurt me. She simply means that I don't have everything. She's not intentionally trying to point out a flaw that I can't change or rub that flaw in my face either. "Trisha, you know that me being deaf has been a gift more than a curse." I gesture with my hand. "Look at the skills I have because I can't hear. I wouldn't trade it for the world."
"Lennie, I love you for seeing it that way, but you also see it that way because you don't know what you're missing out on. You were born deaf. You've never heard birds chirping or the sound of music, and you'll never be able to hear the man you love tell you that he loves you."
I wait a beat for emphasis. "But I'll feel it."
She bites her lip and cradles my face with her hands. "You will. God, you are such a beautiful person, Lennie. But you deserve to have everything you want. Maybe Levi isn't it."
"I know he's not. But there's no law against dreaming, is there?"
"No." She blinks. "I suppose there's not."
"Face it, Trisha. If it isn't real love, if it isn't something that I can feel or see, then it's not worth having, now is it? All my life, my mama and daddy have been telling me that it doesn't matter that I can't hear a thing, it's that I have a gift. A gift that's brought me more gifts than many may see in a lifetime. The money that I earn and the life I've made for myself, most men wouldn't be able to handle. At least not in this town. And even though Levi isn't one of those men, he's also spoken for. And if he isn't an honorable man who takes responsibility for that child, then what good is he to me?"
"You certainly are a much bigger person than I am. Hell, if I were after a man like Levi, I'd be planting booby traps everywhere for that other tramp."
I can't help but laugh. "I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I thought for a split second about posting that picture on social media and tagging Levi in it. If her personality is as hard-looking as her face is, that will not be well received."
"You know as well as I do that if you do that, and Levi pays a price for it, he'll never speak to you again anyway."
"Exactly." I start scrolling through the pictures I took tonight. "And I'm okay with just being his friend. If that's all I can be to him, then I'll take it."
She gets a mischievous grin on her face, like the Cheshire cat, as she elbows me. "Nothing says that you can't be the other woman. That would be something. Cutting your teeth on a man like that."
"As much as that thought is what is going to keep me up at night, you see the look on his face in that picture with her, right? That's because he's with a tramp. I like the smile on his face better in the pictures of him and me, frankly."
"You slay me, my friend. Still haven't given up hope on losing your virginity to the right one, huh?"
"I've kept it this long. Why would I give it up now?"
She pats my leg. "Do you want to come over to my place? Watch a late movie?"
"Maybe tomorrow. I've got an idea for one of these shots, and I want to use my creative juices tonight."
"You sure? I'll find us a really raunchy romance flick. That ought to get your juices flowing."
"Tomorrow. I'll even bring the stick of butter." I wink.
After Trisha leaves, I decide to do one oil painting and one portrait from the specimens I gathered tonight. The oil painting will have to wait for another day since I'm out of some of the paint I need, but I work on the digital photograph for another hour before leaving to go home. Normally I stop in at Mama and Daddy's place on my way home from the store, but since it's past midnight, it's far too late. I send Mama a text message letting her know I'm going home. And just as I figured she would, she sends me a text back with a heart.
My eyes are tired, but my body is wide awake as I drive the ten minutes to my house. The landscapers have been around to cut the grass and manicure my garden. The small lamps that line the walkway flicker as I walk past them. The coach lamp on my porch lights with my motion, which alerts me that I have a visitor when I'm inside the house. With the equipment I have in my basement and some of the inventory I've kept over the years, my home security system is almost as robust as the one at the store. Both systems light up like Christmas trees to alert me of any problems.
Tonight, everything's quiet. No alerts. Just me and the quiet hum of the night I can't hear but feel in the still air.
After I get myself ready for bed, I realize a mistake I've made. The photos I took of me and Levi together tonight—I've sent them to my phone. Pouring over them repeatedly, I rob myself of much-needed sleep. Hungering for his touch, my fingers find places on my body where I dream Levi would touch. Living alone lends me the privacy for such fantasies. Hormones racing, body thrumming, I allow myself to plunge deep into a conscious dream of the man I want and can't have. The man I think about constantly. The man that I feel has brought me as close to love as I've ever been.
This may be infatuation, but whatever it is, and in whatever capacity, I let myself feel it in private. Because that's all I've ever known, and it likely is all I will ever know. Soft, overworked fingertips brush my beaded nipples, sending pulses between my legs as I picture Levi's mouth and tongue doing what my hand is doing. My imagination plays with me, showing me both in my mind and in all my nerve endings what it would feel like if Levi were here with me now. Mouth wet and strong, his lips encircle my nipples as my fingers do the work, and my mind rolls the tape over and over again until the first orgasm strikes.
Back arched, wetness hungry, one hand ventures south while the other one still teases my breasts. In my mind, Levi's feathery tongue flicks my hardened clit while my fingers do the work in real time. They play with me, artfully inserting in and out of my wetness in a perfect rhythm as I envision Levi's cock pulsing in and out of me, pelvis thrusting feverishly, until the second orgasm comes, even stronger than the first. My mastery knows no bounds, nor does my fruitful imagination as I slide a third finger inside while circling my clit with the pad of my thumb, making myself come a third time effortlessly.
Knowing my own body so well, it's doubtful that a man could match my prowess. I've been single all my life, and there is no reason why I would need a man to pleasure me. However, I'll die before I admit that I would love to feel a man's touch just once. So many faces and bodies have appeared in my dreams, but something tells me Levi's image is going to make a lasting impression. I'm exhausted even though I know I could do this all night. And I have. Trisha and I have spoken about my overactive libido, and evidently I'm the only one that can get herself off multiple times in one night, alone. No battery-operated friends required.
It's a gift.
And for right now, it's just a gift for me, as it's always been. I lie there relaxed and satisfied, thinking about how nice it would be to be in Levi's arms. Like I was, even if it was just for a second earlier tonight. Sitting behind him on the horse was nerve-wracking at the time, but now that I'm alone and I've got a few orgasms out, I can admit he is one very special man. I'll keep that to myself. Except from Trisha. I tell her everything. What is this Shelly person like anyway? What could he see in her? Maybe she's just really good in bed. I mean, if she's pregnant, then they must at least have good chemistry together. If Trisha were here and if I'd said that out loud, she would say that's not necessarily true. A woman can get pregnant sometimes so easily it doesn't have to be good sex or even a good orgasm that gets her there.
But something tells me Levi is very good in bed. Of course, I have no frame of reference, so this is all projection. The way he looks at me, the way he held me for just a second, and the way he moves—all are great indicators that he would be good in bed. And lord strike me dead for admitting this, but I'm convinced Trisha is right that Levi does have a fantastic package because I've checked it out myself. No, I've never seen a real live penis before, and no I don't want to go to a club to see one, thanks. Unless it's attached to the man I love, I'm not interested. And frankly, those types of clubs scare me. I'd much rather watch my man do a strip tease. Of course, there is no shortage of sexy cowboys here in Copper Cove, and a few of them have looked my way. But nobody has ever shown a genuine interest in me. Never has that look been in a man's eye for me before.
Not until I met Levi.
And I can't have him.
It's a tragedy.