West Two
Sebastian
He is life. . . for us. . .
“Sebastian,” Harmony called out as I jogged up the stairs. “We would really love to talk to you guys.”
“I need a minute,” I sang out, bordering on such rudeness that I was practically saying fuck off, but I couldn’t stop myself. I suddenly felt like the pin had been pulled from this grenade: me.
She responded, hollering up at me, “We will talk to everyone when Dale and I get back. Running an errand.”
Who cares!
I heard the front door shut when I reached the top of the stairs. Passing by the bathroom door, it suddenly swung open. Exiting was Ethan. “Hey,” he said, “We need to talk to you.”
My feet slowed because he looked a bit concerned. “We?”
Sarah popped out from behind him, in a towel. “Yeah, I’m here.”
Disgusted, because her boyfriend recently died in a car wreck and she was already replacing him, I shook my head. “Are you two serious right now? My only chance at revenge for Blue and the man who killed Caleb just rolled away in a stranger’s car, and you two traitors are in here—”
“Whoa,” warned Ethan. “To all that shit you’re spewin’.”
“Seb, you have this all wrong,” Sarah insisted.
I gawked at her. I have eyes. To stab her emotionally, I imitated her: “Johnny! Don’t leave!” Then I gestured to her towel. “Feel better now?”
Then I flew into a hallway wall, courtesy of Ethan.
“Stop! Stop!” Sarah was between us before he could catch up and give voice to the fury in his eyes.
Leaving the wall behind, I headed for my bedroom. A couple of heavy footfalls followed, but Sarah stopped Ethan, saying, “Just give him a minute to cool off.”
Not bothering to look back, I shot all watching a middle finger. “That’s all I’m asking for!”
Wham! I slammed my door, then faced a room that now felt foreign. An empty bed stared at me. Maybe it laughed at me, knowing my roommate was gone. I turned to my own bed and eyed the sheets she once touched. Laid in while we kissed—
Goddamnit! I paced the length of my room, angry and drowning in emotions that threatened to burst out of me, and not in a constructive way.
Knowing that asshole pastor was out there breathing, living his life while Blue was gone infuriated me.
I felt restless. Idle. And like a fucking failure for not dealing with him already.
Johnny had warned me. He said the need for vengeance would consume me, and nd that he understood. He was fucking right. I couldn’t think about anything else. Every time my thoughts drifted to my sweet Blue, I was gutted all over again. My heart wouldn’t stop breaking.
Last night I dreamed of her. Again.
The hospital bed. Our last words. That unmatchable connection we shared.
A cry of frustration grew in my belly and erupted as I clenched my fists.
Johnny was gone! The son of a biker—a president at that—was my ace in the hole to see the pastor die.
Johnny was the only one who could help me!
And I needed it. That monster hurt her! He hurt my sweet baby Blue and took her away!
The drunk driver took my friend! The fucking system took away Johnny, who was the first to truly make me feel I wasn’t a pathetic stutterer!
I was always scared I wasn’t good enough for Blue.
This pathetic life had taken away the boy I used to be. Now I was an angry, cursing, empty shell.
Before I knew what I was doing, I grabbed the side edge of Caleb’s bed and lifted with all my power, flipping it over while roaring, “Give them all back to meeeeee!”
Aggressively, I spun to face whoever had opened my door.
My knees were bent. My fists were ready to swing.
When I saw Gage, stunned and staring at me in disbelief, I thundered, “I want to kill someone!” I saw Ethan rush up behind Gage to see past his shoulder at me.
So, I told him, “Now!” Then, I turned around and proceeded to kick the upside-down mattress.
Soon, wanting to go even deeper into this attack, I dropped to my knees and punched the mattress so many times I lost count and lost sight. Literally, I was in a blind fury like nothing I had ever experienced.
I didn’t even understand how lost I had become when arms finally wrapped around me, voices begging me to stop. I barely heard Sarah yell, “Get him in the tub!”
Hoisted into the air by three sets of male hands, I was carried into the bathroom, me swinging the whole time, and cursing, and wishing death on those who had wronged me.
I fought the stream of water gushing into the tub. I fought the heat my body was begging for. I even fought the calmness trying to take possession of my insanity.
In the end, I lost. This time, in the best way.
Finally, I sank back into Ethan, realizing he was sitting behind me. And exhaled, feeling a release I couldn’t place or completely understand.
Sarah was kneeling right outside the tub, pushing wet hair from my face. She smiled at me. It was as gentle as her voice. “You back with us?”
I couldn’t help but start to cry. “I’m so fucking pissed… at it all.”
She cried with me. “I understand.” Her lip trembled. “We both lost partners.”
So unbelievably sad, I grabbed her hand and pulled it to my chest. “I didn’t mean what I said.”
“I knew that before you finished the sentence.”
I sobbed, “I hurt, Sarah.”
Tears flowing, she peered at the only other one in the tub, then back to me. “Like you don’t even want to breathe anymore?”
All I could do was nod through an abundance of my own tears.
Ethan tightened his arm that lay over my collarbone. “Now you know why I had her in the shower.”
“What?” shrieked protective fosters—Gage and Finn, who were standing behind Sarah.
That made me laugh as I bawled like a damn baby. My free hand grabbed onto Ethan’s arm. “I’m so sorry.” I had accused him of being disrespectful. I lashed out in my pain.
He rocked me side to side. “Shh… We all have a right to a freak-out.”
I thought of his meltdown in the kitchen so long ago.
And Johnny holding him, just as Ethan was holding me now, and I cried even harder.
“The farther away he gets, the harder it’s getting.
” I could barely breathe. “I mean, I’m not gay—” Sheepishly, I peered up at Finn.
“Not that there’s anything wrong with it. ”
He shrugged with a wicked grin. “None taken. I believe I’m the only one in this room who has ever kissed Johnny.”
All eyes were on him. And we all were, with gaping mouths.
He did not shy away from the spotlight. “Don’t be jealous. And yes, his kiss is as hot as he is.”
Sarah, red-eyed and all, smirked. “I have never heard you sound so fabulously gay.”
After a pause, his shoulders slumped. “It’s an act. He never even kissed me back.”
Laughter through tears is a healing motherfuckering thing. We all booed him for the false climactic moment.
Then, without an ounce of warning, I became so tired I could not keep my eyes open. I mumbled, “Do you guys smell bleach?” I felt like I had spent all my energy truly punching someone to their final moments on this earth. It was eerie. “Will you all stay with me?” Yet rewarding.
I heard yeses that faded into the darkness that took me under.
Lyrics are what I heard as I started to wake. “We were born before the wind…” My eyes opened to see Sarah holding a cell phone to my mouth. “This app will find the song.”
I was still in the tub. I felt warm water trickling from the spout so Ethan and I didn’t freeze.
Sarah pulled her cell away, and read it. Then she announced, “He’s singing ‘Into the Mystic’ by Van Morrison.” She looked to everyone still in the bathroom and asked, “Is that a band?”
I was a tad confused, to say the least. “How long did I sleep for?”
Gage’s stare was locked on the water I was immersed in. “Long enough for some cray-cray shit to go down.”
“Huh?” I peered down, wondering what was holding his attention. At first, I feared I was naked or something, but when I saw the water, I jolted. “What the fuck?”
Ethan’s hold stopped my movement. “We’re good. Don’t fight it.”
I was sitting in a tub full of fucking wet Tinker Bell dust. “But… How…?”
Oh my God, the mermaid is real.
Once dressed, I no longer felt the serenity of the mermaid water.
And I felt guilty for an accusation that was beyond uncalled for.
I went searching to address an apology but couldn’t find Sarah anywhere inside our home.
No one was around. So, I went to the place they could always be found. The gazebo.
The guys were sitting under its shelter, all staring off at a very special corner of the backyard. I didn’t say a word as I stood near the guys but grabbed my chest when seeing Sarah lying next to the summer flowers that were doing sheltering of their own.
Taking a step forward, I caught Ethan’s silent plea.
I nodded. My tirade was over. Only sorrow was now present.
Once I got to Sarah, I sat down, feeling like I weighed a million tons.
She was sniffling, staring as if seeing who was in the ground. “I swear I’m trying to be strong.”
My fingers combed through her blonde hair as it touched the grass. “I swear I’m trying to breathe as you told me to.” My throat tightened. “I can’t believe I spoke to you like that.”
She sat up in a hurry and snuggled to me, resting her head on my shoulder. “Humans do human things.”
I gazed at my palm and the cut that proved I shared a blood oath with the others. Somewhat nervous about the answer, I asked, “Are we still all human?”
She giggled, but it sounded slightly forced. “Think we can fly now or something?”
Setting my hand back in my lap, I leaned my head to the top of hers and sighed while staring at our friend I missed. “Wouldn’t that be nice? Fly far away from all this pain?”
Mourning can be gruesome. Just absolute and gut-wrenching. It kept coming in waves that kept threatening to drown us all, but there was hope. We still had each other. That was made clear as Finn, Ethan, and Gage all came and sat with us.
We had bonded by each having past tragedies. Now we were bonding over present ones. So, the tears fell. Hard. Every drop caused another. Every sniffle, as sad as it was, reminded us we weren’t alone.
“I don’t want to lose any of you,” I cried.
Finn put out a hand. “Same.”
I laid my hand on his.
One by one, we built a friendship pile of hands.
Gage choked out, “Do you think he’s okay?”
My head fell. I was so worried about Johnny, too. What if this new guy who had him was bad? “Kristen would make sure he’s okay, right?”
Sarah nodded, then exhaled. “I have a secret.”
We all went quiet.
Then I asked, hoping, “About Johnny?”
There was a yes in her gaze to us all, but also much sadness in her light eyes. “I never want to betray any of you, ever.”
We all nodded. We all had secrets. Many of which we hoped would stay hidden.
Our eyes began to wander around, thinking of ways she could tell us, but not. Then it wasn’t a betrayal, right?
Finally, Finn offered, “If we guess something that’s true,” he pointed, “you pick a blue flower for Johnny. If we’re wrong, pick a yellow one, meaning caution.”
Thank you for knowing the sapphire flowers are for my Blue.
Sarah’s chest expanded as if her lungs were grateful for the compromise.
Ethan swallowed, then dared, “Do you know where he is?”
She ripped out a yellow flower and threw it to the ground.
Ethan explained to us the obvious. “That’s a strong no.”
Noted.
Gage tried, “Does the secret have to do with him leaving?”
Timidly, as if breaking a promise was almost impossible for her to do, she plucked a blue flower. However, when she placed it on the ground, she laid it horizontally.
I uttered, “Half of it.”
She nodded. Then stared at me while pointing to a sapphire flower. She didn’t break contact with me as Sarah lay down on her side again.
I wondered what she was trying to tell me, then gasped. “Blue’s nightmares.”
Finn nodded, totally catching on. “His nightmares.”
Sarah sat up and plucked a blue flower, laying it down.
As she placed it down, Ethan asked, “He told you what his nightmares were about?”
She picked another blue flower but laid it horizontal again. Then tapped another sapphire one.
Studying her, I racked my brain for her meaning. Blue… Nightmares… I thought of all the talks Sarah and I had when experiencing Blue’s traumatic night terrors. How she would cry and scream out things but—“Never tell us what they were about.” I covered my mouth. “But she did tell Johnny a name.”
Sarah plucked a blue flower and laid it on the grass… vertically. Bullseye.
An array of questions from Gage and Finn pelted her. “A name?”… “Who?”… “Do we know the person?”… “Did this person hurt him?”… She drew her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs.
“Stop!” demanded Ethan.
Once everyone went quiet, she kept pointing to all of us, over and over.
I quietly asked her, “We are involved?”
Becoming upset, she nodded, closing her eyes.
Again, I racked my brain. Nightmares… Secrets… Name—I suddenly remembered the night we heard the new kid screaming. After his Noma’s funeral. We ran up to his room in the attic. He was calling out for—“Styx.”
Sarah rushed to her knees, yanked a blue flower from the ground and laid it… vertically.
Finn recoiled.
Ethan smacked his forehead.
Gage, lost in thought, told Sarah, “You stayed with him after we all promised to never say that name again. Then left the attic.”
Now it all made sense. “He told you who he is.”
She plucked a blue flower and laid it horizontally.
Ethan sighed. “He told you what he did.”
She burst into tears.
Ethan snatched her up and put her in his lap. The way he wrapped his arms around her spoke volumes of feelings, far beyond sisterly. “Shh… I got you.”
Getting to his knees, Finn rested one hand on Ethan’s back and one on Sarah’s. He whispered in Ethan’s ear, then plucked a yellow flower and a blue one.
Staring at the choices being held in front of Sarah, Ethan reluctantly asked her, “Is that who has Johnny now?”
No one made a peep as she took the blue flower and held it to her chest.
Finn shook as he reached out for one more blue flower. “I don’t want to push, but,” he took a deep breath, “please tell me one more thing.” He held both flowers out for her to pick from. “The-name-we’re-not-to-say, is this man good for Johnny?” His voice cracked. “I have to know.”
We all did. For our sanity.
Head on Ethan’s shoulder, she slowly reached out for the blue flower and laid it… vertically.
Bullseye.