Chapter 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN
DEAN
Iknow I promised to forget it, but my brain won’t let me. It’s all I see when I close my eyes at night.
As soon as they shut, I’m right back in the foyer with rainwater dripping onto the hardwood. Aubrey laughing as she pulled her soaked sweatshirt over her head. The split second before she realized what I’d realized.
I squeeze my eyes shut. “Enough.”
I’ve replayed those few seconds more times than I care to admit. The memory sits like a weight in my stomach.
How did one unexpected moment blur lines I never even had to draw?
Now I can’t seem to put them back where they belong.
A soft cry crackles through the baby monitor on my nightstand. Relief washes through me for something else to think about.
I throw back the covers and head for Liana’s room, determined to leave the rest of those thoughts behind.
Even though I already know they’ll be waiting for me the second I’m alone again.
I loosen my tie as I step off the private elevator and into my penthouse.
“I’m home.”
The words have barely left my mouth when Liana, who is three months old today, lets out a squeal from the living room.
A smile pulls at my lips before I can stop it. “Hey there, sweetheart.”
Aubrey looks up from the play mat spread across the rug. She’s sitting cross-legged on the floor beside Liana, who immediately starts kicking her legs the second she hears my voice.
“Somebody’s been waiting for you.”
“I can see that.”
I set my briefcase beside the entry table and shrug off my suit jacket, draping it over the back of a chair before crouching beside Liana.
“Hi, beautiful.”
She rewards me with a grin so wide that it nearly knocks the wind out of me.
I laugh quietly as I scoop her into my arms. “Missed me?”
She reaches for my tie, wrapping her tiny fist around it.
“I guess that’s a yes.”
Aubrey smiles as she stands, brushing invisible lint from her leggings. “She was in a great mood today.”
“Any excitement?”
“Just one blowout diaper.”
I groan. “That’s all?”
“Oh, and she discovered she can grab my hair.”
“Already causing trouble.”
“Definitely your daughter.”
I laugh, bouncing Liana gently against my shoulder.
Before I can ask Aubrey anything else, the elevator chimes behind me.
I frown. “I’m not expecting anyone.”
The doors slide open.
Sawyer strides into the foyer with the confidence of someone who’s been in my apartment dozens of times over the years.
“Seriously, Dean?” he says before the doors have even closed behind him. “You left at five again and wouldn’t answer your—”
He stops the moment his eyes land on me. They move to the baby in my arms, then Aubrey standing a few feet away.
Silence fills the penthouse.
I watch his face as he tries to make sense of what he’s seeing. His eyes act like pinballs, bouncing around my place, which is now filled with baby stuff.
Finally, his gaze returns to Liana.
“Dean.”
“Hi,” I choke out.
“What”—he points at the tiny human currently chewing on my tie— “is that?”
I glance down at Liana. “This?”
He stares at me. “Don’t play games with me.”
I sigh. “Her name’s Liana.”
Sawyer blinks rapidly. His eyebrows climb halfway up his forehead. “Dean”—his voice drops— “whose baby is that?”
I meet his stare. “Mine.”
The color drains from his face. “What?”
“She’s my daughter.”
He lets out a disbelieving laugh. “No.”
“Yes.”
“You have a daughter?”
“I do.”
“For how long?”
“I found out she existed about four weeks ago.”
Sawyer just … stares. The room falls quiet, except for Liana happily babbling to herself.
Sawyer points at me. “You’re a father?”
“Pretty much.”
He shakes his head again, still trying to process everything in front of him.
“I followed you home because I thought you were hiding some terminal illness.”
I can’t help laughing. “Sorry to disappoint you.”
“I’m not disappointed.” He looks at Liana again, softer this time. “I’m … completely confused.”
I nod toward the couch. “You should probably sit down.”
“I should probably have a drink.”
“That too.”
Sawyer slowly lowers himself onto the couch, never taking his eyes off my daughter.
“I think,” he mutters, still sounding shell-shocked, “you’ve got about four weeks’ worth of explaining to do.”
I glance over at Aubrey.
“Sorry.” I gesture toward Sawyer. “Aubrey, this is Sawyer. My business partner.”
Sawyer finally tears his eyes away from Liana long enough to acknowledge her. “It’s nice to meet you.”
Aubrey smiles at Sawyer. “You too.”
His gaze bounces between the three of us again.
“So”—he points at Aubrey— “who is she?”
“Aubrey’s Liana’s nanny.”
Sawyer blinks. “You hired a live-in nanny?”
“I didn’t exactly have a choice.”
He looks back at Aubrey. “You’ve got your hands full, huh?”
A small laugh escapes her. “That’s one way to put it. I’ve only been here a couple of weeks.”
Sawyer looks around the apartment again, clearly still trying to piece everything together.
“Well, if you’re keeping this guy alive”—he nods toward me— “then you’re doing the Lord’s work.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m standing right here.”
“I know.” He doesn’t even look at me. “You look significantly less sleep-deprived than you did last week.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“You should.”
Aubrey smiles, glancing between us. “I’ll let you guys catch up.”
She reaches over and gently rubs one finger across Liana’s tiny hand. “I’ll be in my room if you need anything.”
“Thanks,” I say.
After she disappears down the hallway, Sawyer watches her for another second before turning back to me.
“She seems nice.”
“She is,” I answer immediately.
His eyebrows rise. “Okay …”
“What?”
“I’ve known you for sixteen years.”
“So?”
“You answered that a little too fast.”
“I stated a fact.”
Sawyer smirks. “I’m just making observations.”
I sigh. “Can we focus on the part where I have a daughter?”
His grin disappears. “Right.”
He looks at Liana curled against my chest. “Start from the beginning.”
After I spend twenty minutes answering all of Sawyer’s questions, he seems content with what I’ve shared enough to lean back against the couch.
“When are you going to tell the rest of the gang?”
My body tenses when I think about it. Our four other buddies that we met in college still don’t know.
“I haven’t thought about it.”
“Wrong answer. You’re telling them this weekend.”
“Uh, what makes you say that?”
His eyebrows turn down. “Dean, are you embarrassed about her or something?”
The question hits me hard in the chest. “Fuck off. Of course not.” I look down at Liana, who is smiling up at the dog on her mat. “It’s just … a lot of questions to answer. And I don’t want anyone judging us.”
“Us?”
“The situation. The fact that I didn’t know she existed. That her mom …” I trail off, shaking my head. “People always have opinions when they don’t know the whole story.”
“They do,” Sawyer agrees. “But the people you’re talking about aren’t random people.”
I don’t respond.
“They’re your friends.”
I let that sit for a second. “I know.”
“No.” He leans forward, resting his forearms on his knees. “You don’t.”
He nods toward Liana. “If I’d walked in here tonight and found out you’d been hiding her because you were ashamed, we’d have had a problem.”
“I’m not ashamed.”
“I know you’re not.” His voice softens. “But you’re scared.”
The words hang between us.
“I’m still figuring this out,” I admit quietly.
Sawyer nods. “I know.”
He glances over at Liana again. “But she’s not something you figure out before you tell the people who love you.”
I look down at my daughter. She lets out a happy squeal, completely unaware she’s the center of the conversation.
“No,” I murmur, “she’s not.”
Sawyer claps a hand on my shoulder. “Good.”
I look over at him.
“Because tomorrow, we’re all coming over.”
I blink. “You just invited yourself into my apartment.”
“No.” A grin spreads across his face. “I invited all of us.”
He nods toward Liana. “It’s time everyone meets the newest member of the group.”
The apartment grows quiet after Sawyer leaves.
Liana falls asleep in my arms not long afterward, and I carefully settle her into the swing before dropping onto the couch.
By this time tomorrow, everyone will know.
For reasons I can’t explain, the thought twists itself into a knot somewhere deep in my stomach.
I stare out the floor-to-ceiling windows as the lights of Manhattan slowly begin to take over the skyline.
I don’t even realize how much time has passed until I hear footsteps behind me.
“Dean?”
I blink and look over my shoulder.
Aubrey stands in the kitchen with a loaf of bread and a package of turkey in her hands. “You okay?”
“I’m fine.”
She studies me for a second. I can practically see the wheels turning in her head.
Instead of continuing with whatever she was doing, she sets everything back on the counter.
A minute later, the couch cushions sink beside me.
“You’ve been staring out that window for at least ten minutes.”
I let out a huff of amusement. “Have I?”
“Mmhmm.” She tucks one leg beneath herself, angling toward me. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
She gives me a look. “The ‘nothing’ that made you forget the city’s out there?”
I glance back toward the windows. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”
“I figured.”
Silence settles between us. Not uncomfortable or anything. More patient.
Aubrey has a way of letting silence exist without trying to fill it.
Finally, she bumps my shoulder lightly with hers. “I’ve discovered something about you.”
“Oh?”
“When you don’t want to talk, you suddenly become fascinated by the skyline.”
A reluctant smile tugs at my mouth. “I never noticed.”
“I have.”
She folds her arms across her knees. “So …” She waits. “I’m not moving until you tell me.”
I laugh under my breath. “Is that right?”
“I’m very stubborn.”
“I can see that.”
Another quiet moment passes before I finally exhale. “Sawyer is inviting all of our friends over tomorrow night.”
She nods. “To meet Liana. That sounds nice.”
“It does.”
“But?”
I rub my palms together, searching for the right words. “I’m nervous.”
Her expression softens. “Because they’ll ask questions?”
I shake my head. “I can handle questions.”
“What then?”
I look toward the swing, where Liana sleeps peacefully, one tiny fist resting beside her cheek.
“I don’t want anyone looking at her differently.” Aubrey doesn’t interrupt. “I don’t want people feeling sorry for her.”
The words come more easily now.
“I don’t want them seeing her as the little girl whose mother died.” I swallow hard. “Or wondering what kind of life she’s going to have because she doesn’t have one.”
My throat tightens. “I know my friends. I know they’ll be kind.”
I let out a slow breath. “But sometimes, kindness looks a lot like pity.”
A hush falls over the room for several seconds before Aubrey speaks.
“I don’t think that’s what they’ll see.”
I glance over at her.
“I think they’ll see a little girl who has a dad who loves her more than anything.”
I don’t answer because I’m not sure I believe that love is enough.
She continues gently, “You can’t change how Liana came into this world.”
“No.”
“You can’t change what happened to her mom.”
I shake my head. “No.”
“But you get to shape everything that happens next.” Her words settle somewhere deep inside me. “You’ve spent the last four weeks worrying about what she lost. I have a feeling everyone else is going to notice what she has.”
I follow her gaze. Liana stirs in her sleep before settling again.
A tiny smile spreads across her face. Without thinking, one spreads across mine too.
“I didn’t look at it that way.”
“I know.” She nudges my shoulder again. “That’s why you have me.”
The words leave her mouth so naturally that I don’t think she realizes what she said, but I do.
For the first time in weeks … the knot in my chest loosens just a bit.