Chapter 37
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
DEAN
The drive back to the penthouse feels strangely quiet.
For the first time in two days, my mind isn’t racing from one terrifying possibility to the next. Instead, my father’s words play on a loop as Manhattan slides past my window.
I would still choose every morning I woke up beside her.
He would still choose my mother, even knowing that would end, that grief would come. He would choose every ordinary Tuesday, argument over curtains, Christmas morning, and every laugh.
It doesn’t mean losing her wasn’t devastating but loving her had been worth it.
I spent nineteen years believing my father’s greatest tragedy was losing my mother. Today, I realize his greatest blessing was getting to love her at all.
I close my eyes for a moment.
How close have I come to throwing away the love I have with Aubrey?
Not because she had done something wrong, but because I was afraid. Somewhere inside me, fifteen-year-old Dean had convinced thirty-four-year-old Dean that if I simply refused to love deeply enough, I could never hurt that badly again.
I was wrong.
The driver slows in front of my building.
“I’ll be staying home the rest of the day,” I tell him.
“Yes, Mr. Ledger.”
I step onto the sidewalk and head inside. The elevator ride feels longer than usual. My pulse steadily climbs with every passing floor.
But this time, I’m not feeling afraid. I’m determined.
When the doors slide open, the apartment is quiet, except for the faint sound of children’s music drifting from somewhere deeper inside.
I round the corner into the living room.
Aubrey is sitting on the floor in the playpen with Liana, helping her stack her new favorite colored blocks that my daughter seems far more interested in chewing than building with.
Neither of them notices me immediately.
Liana laughs, and Aubrey’s laugh follows along with her. The sound hits me squarely in the chest.
This is what I almost walked away from.
Aubrey finally looks up, and the smile disappears from her face.
“You’re home early,” she says softly.
“I am.”
She studies me for a second before standing. “I’ll be right back, sweetheart.” She kisses the top of Liana’s head before climbing out of the playpen and walks toward me.
There’s caution in every step that I realize I put there.
She stops a few feet away. “Everything okay?”
I shake my head. “No.”
Concern flashes across her face. “What happened?”
“I need to talk to you.”
She nods once. “Okay.”
I glance toward Liana. “Can she play for a few minutes?”
Aubrey follows my gaze. “She’s fine.”
Neither of us moves as the silence stretches between us.
Finally, I take a slow breath. “I’ve made a decision.”
I watch her shoulders tighten.
I almost let that fear take over me. Instead, I remember my father.
Don’t let fear make the decision.
“I’ve decided your employment here is ending.”
The color drains from her face.
“Oh.” She swallows. “I understand.”
“No”—I take a step toward her— “you don’t.”
She looks confused.
“I don’t want you to be Liana’s nanny anymore,” I try to clarify.
A tear slips down her cheek before she can stop it.
She nods anyway. “I said, I understand.”
I shake my head, realizing that I suck at this. “No.” I take a step closer to her. “I don’t want you to be her nanny”—I smile softly— “because I want you to be my girlfriend.”
She blinks. “What?”
“I don’t want the woman I love living in my apartment because I hired her.” I reach for both of her hands. “I want her living here because she chose me.”
She stares at me. “I don’t …”
“I’ve been selfish.” The admission comes easier than I expected. “I knew you came here looking for a graphic design career.” I nod toward her bedroom. “I knew you were sending out résumés. I hated every application.”
A tiny smile tugs at the corner of her mouth despite herself. “I know.”
“I convinced myself it was because Liana needed you.” I laugh quietly. “It wasn’t. It was because I did.”
Her eyes begin filling again.
I keep going. “I should’ve been helping you. I have contacts at half the advertising agencies in this city. I could’ve introduced you to people weeks ago, and I didn’t. Because every interview felt like another step toward losing you.”
I lower my head. “That wasn’t fair to you.”
“No,” she whispers. “It’s okay. You don’t owe me anything.”
I squeeze her hands. “It’s not because I owe you something.”
She studies my face. “Dean …”
“I also did something else today.”
“What?”
“I called a therapist.”
She goes completely still.
“I have my first appointment on Thursday.”
I continue before she can speak. “I’m not telling you this so you’ll think everything is magically fixed. I’ve spent nineteen years convincing myself I was fine. I’m not. I have trauma that I’ve never dealt with. I let it become your burden.”
Aubrey steps closer. “Dean …”
I shake my head gently. “No. Let me finish. I can’t promise I’m never going to panic again. I can’t promise healing happens overnight. I can’t promise I’ll never have another bad day. But I can promise this …”
I bring one of her hands to my chest. “I will never again make you pay the price for something that happened before I even knew you.”
A tear slides down her cheek. I wipe it away with my thumb.
“My father said something today. He told me if someone had shown him his entire future with my mother”—I pause— “including the day she died … he still would’ve chosen every second with her.”
Aubrey’s eyes glisten.
“He said losing her never made loving her a mistake.” I smile through the emotion gathering in my chest. “I realized I’ve spent nineteen years believing grief was the price of love.”
I shake my head. “It isn’t. The price of avoiding love is so much higher.”
Silence settles around us. The apartment feels impossibly still. The words come out broken.
“I want you,” I tell her. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” she whispers. “I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”
Emotion crashes through me so hard that my knees nearly give out. I close the remaining distance between us and cup her face.
“I know I scared you. I made you question everything. And I know I almost let fear ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
” I rest my forehead against hers. “But I’m done letting fear make my decisions.
I’m choosing you, us, and I’m choosing every uncertain tomorrow that comes with loving you. ”
Her arms wrap around my waist as her eyes find mine.
I kiss her slowly with so much certainty that this is exactly where I want to be.
When I pull back, she smiles at me in that way that still makes my heart forget how to beat.
A second later, Liana begins fussing from the living room. We both instinctively turn toward the sound.
I smile. “I’ve got her.”
I start to walk away before stopping. I look back at Aubrey. “Oh, and …”
She raises an eyebrow.
“You’re still taking interviews.”
“What?” she asks.
“I mean it. I fell in love with a woman who has dreams. I’m not asking her to give them up.” I pick up Liana then walk back over to Aubrey and kiss her forehead. “I’m just asking if she’ll chase them with me beside her.”
She nods through tears. “I can do that.”
Just twenty-four hours ago, I thought loving Aubrey meant living every day waiting for history to repeat itself.
Now I finally understand what my father was trying to tell me. Life is never something I can control, and love is never something I can protect by keeping it at arm’s length.
The future will always be uncertain. There will always be risks. Always be loss waiting somewhere beyond the horizon, but there will also be ordinary Saturdays.
Christmas mornings and late-night laughter. The sound of Aubrey singing softly while she rocks Liana to sleep. The feeling of waking up beside the woman I love.
None of it is guaranteed, but none of it ever was. Maybe that is the lesson I spent nineteen years trying not to learn.
I don’t have to surrender my strength.
I don’t have to surrender my future.
I only have to surrender the illusion that I was ever in control.
I tighten my fingers around Aubrey’s hand as we step into the living room together.
This isn’t my defeat, and it isn’t giving up.
It’s my surrender … and I’ve never been happier to lose.