Chapter 11 Rowan
ROWAN
The trauma bay smells like antiseptic and iron, each breath pulling the scent deeper into my lungs until I can taste it on the back of my tongue.
Everything is in motion. Monitors chime in overlapping rhythms. Carts skim across the linoleum, wheels squeaking as people move faster than the floor was ever meant to allow.
Voices overlap with intensity, each person speaking their own language of vitals, protocols, and moments that decide outcomes.
I move through it without thinking, my body already ahead of my mind, my hands reaching for instruments before I consciously realize the need.
“Two units ready,” someone calls from across the bay.
“Pressure's dropping,” another voice answers.
I don't look up when I speak, my attention locked on the patient in front of me. “Raise the head. I want suction on standby. And someone tell radiology we're not waiting.”
I apply pressure, my palms warm through the latex, and my fingers finding their placement without thought.
The patient groans beneath me, his chest shuddering as he fights the pain, his muscles contracting against the trauma.
I lean closer, angling my body to shield him from the chaos swirling around us, lowering my voice until it's just for him.
“Stay with me. You're doing exactly what you need to do.”
I feel it then. Not fear or distraction. Not even the usual hypervigilance that comes with working trauma. This is different. Subtler. The sense of being observed.
Not the obvious kind of watching. No prickle that makes you turn and catch someone staring. This is pattern recognition, the same instinct that reacts before a monitor does. The same awareness that makes my spine straighten, and my shoulders pull back a fraction, before I can explain why.
I ignore it.
This isn’t the place for ghosts, paranoia, or distraction. People need me focused. Lives depend on the clarity of my decisions and the speed of my reactions.
The procedure moves quickly after that. Blood is managed, fluids pushed, and vitals begin to stabilize with incremental improvement, which means we're winning.
The tension in the room loosens a fraction, shoulders dropping, and voices returning to a normal pitch.
I step back when the resident takes over, peeling off my gloves and dropping them into the bin.
My hands ache with the familiar aftereffect of holding tension longer than is reasonable.
“Nice work,” the resident murmurs, already concentrating on the next step.
I nod once, the gesture automatic, moving toward the sink before I've finished processing the compliment.
Hot water scalds my skin as I scrub, the temperature just this side of painful.
My nails drag against the brush, my palms pressing together until the burn pushes everything else away.
Steam rises in front of my face. I breathe in, then out, letting the ritual reset my nervous system.
When I lift my head, my reflection in the mirror above the sink looks the way it always does.
Hair braided tightly at the nape of my neck.
Face composed, no trace of exhaustion visible in the set of my jaw or the line of my mouth.
Eyes clear, pupils normal, no bloodshot edges despite the long shift I worked yesterday.
But the sensation doesn't leave. It lingers as a faint pressure between my shoulder blades, like awareness without a source.
I dry my hands and step back into the corridor.
The nurses' station buzzes with its usual activity, keyboards clicking in rapid bursts, phones ringing with their distinctive double chirp, and voices layered over one another in conversations about patients, schedules, and who's covering which shift.
I scan the board out of habit, patient names and room numbers aligning into sequence.
That's when I see him. He's standing near the edge of the station, positioned close enough to the cluster of activity that he could pass for someone waiting to speak with a nurse, and far enough back to avoid being directly engaged.
Mid-thirties, maybe. Neutral clothing, the universal gray and black that lets people blend into any environment.
Hands loose at his sides, not fidgeting or reaching for a phone.
No visitor badge clipped to his shirt. No staff ID on a lanyard.
People flow around him without noticing. A nurse passes within inches and doesn't even glance in his direction. A tech brushes his shoulder while reaching for a chart and doesn’t break stride.
He doesn't move.
I slow down without thinking. My eyes skim the board, holding just long enough to look occupied, then return.
He's still there.
Not staring at me and not obviously watching anyone in particular.
Just lingering, occupying space in a way that triggers every alarm bell I've learned to recognize since my life got complicated. The way people wait when they’re monitoring a situation, noting movement, and watching who goes where and when.
A nurse calls my name, pulling my attention with the urgency in her tone.
I turn, answering a question about medication dosages, signing off on an order.
The exchange takes maybe thirty seconds.
When I look back, the space where he stood is empty.
Already filled by someone else, a family member now occupying that exact spot, arms crossed and face worried as they speak to a nurse.
As if the other man was never there at all.
A chill slips under my skin, the sensation crawling up my spine one vertebra at a time.
I tell myself it's adrenaline. Residual stress from the trauma bay, and my nervous system still running hot, primed for threats. But I don't believe it. Not even a little.
I move down the hall toward radiology, my steps softened by the polished floor.
Glass walls line one side of the corridor, reflecting movement in fragments.
White coats blur past. Blue scrubs appear and disappear.
Flashes of motion that organize into people when I look directly at them, then lose form when my attention moves on.
In one pane, halfway down the hall, I notice a reflection that doesn't fit the corridor's rhythm. Tall, still, wrong. I turn, my body pivoting before I've finished the thought.
Nothing.
The corridor stretches empty behind me, doors closed, lights humming their usual fluorescent pitch. No movement. No sound except the distant murmur of voices from somewhere else in the building.
My pulse bumps once against my ribs, a single hard beat, then returns to its normal rhythm.
“Get a grip,” I murmur under my breath, the words more command than observation.
At the end of the hall, Leo waits near the vending machines, his arms loosely crossed, and posture relaxed in a way that fools most people who don't know what to look for.
He's positioned so he can see both ends of the corridor without being obvious about it, his stance casual but his attention anything but. He doesn’t look at me directly when I come into view, but I feel his focus lock in the moment I enter his line of sight.
“You good, Doc?” he asks quietly, his voice pitched low enough that it won't carry.
I nod, keeping my own voice equally soft. “Yeah. Just busy.”
His gaze passes me to the hallway behind my shoulder, focused and brief, then returns to my face to reassess.
“Let me know if that changes.”
“I will.”
He doesn't push. Leo never does. He simply resumes his quiet vigilance, his presence constant without being intrusive, and protective without being suffocating.
There's comfort in knowing someone is watching the periphery while I focus on what's in front of me.
It makes the pressure between my shoulder blades ease a fraction.
The rest of the shift blurs into the familiar pattern of motion and decision. Patient after patient cycles through. Assessments made, treatments administered, outcomes documented. The work pulls me under, as it always does, demanding complete attention, and leaving no room for anything else.
Somewhere in the middle of it, Lila appears at my elbow with a coffee I didn't ask for but absolutely need. The cup is warm in my hands, the steam rising in a thin curl that fades before it reaches my face.
“You look like you're running on fumes,” she offers lightly, her tone careful in the way it gets when she's trying to check on me without making it obvious.
I take a sip, grateful for the bitter warmth. “That obvious?”
“To me?” She smiles, the expression warm and knowing. “Always.”
She leans against the counter beside me, close enough that our shoulders almost touch. Her energy is different today, brighter than usual, brimming with the excitement she gets when there's news she wants to share. I brace myself without knowing why.
“So,” she begins, drawing the word out. “Ivan texted again.”
My fingers tighten around the cup, the cardboard compressing slightly.
“He did?”
“Mm-hmm.” She's watching my face now, reading my reaction the way she always does. “He’s still impressed with you, apparently. Mentioned that you were ‘remarkably composed’ at lunch.” She makes air quotes with her fingers.
“Which I told him is just your default setting. You could be juggling chainsaws and your face would look exactly the same.”
A faint unease slides through me, quiet but persistent, like cold water seeping under a door. “That's flattering.”
The word comes out flat, and I see a slight furrow appear between her eyebrows.
“Oh, come on.” She bumps my shoulder with hers, the gesture affectionate. “He's not wrong. And he suggested we all go out this week. Nothing fancy. Just dinner and drinks. Normal people activities with actual socializing instead of hospital cafeteria food eaten standing up.”
I take another sip of coffee, buying myself time to choose my words with care. “I don't think that's a good idea.”
Her eyebrows lift higher, her surprise genuine. “Why not?”