26. Penelope
Penelope
Was there a difference between conditioning and acclimatizing? Between routine and repetition?
I used to think definitions were cut and dry until I realized the difference between like and love. Between… crazy and psychotic.
Nothing was the same, and everything was vast. Life was hard. Living it was harder.
I went through the motions of what I was supposed to do. I behaved how I thought I needed to. When you spent your life not having a voice, finding it in extreme situations was like looking for a needle in a haystack.
How could I be someone as important as a queen when I didn’t even know who I was as an individual?
I tried to keep my head high. To fight and learn like Vaughn wanted me to. For weeks I put one hundred percent of myself into his lessons. I learned to defend myself. I learned how to strike and when to do it. I even mostly mastered getting out of restraints.
It was hard to feel proud when the man I was fighting for kept withdrawing further away from me.
Sometimes a day would pass before he came home.
Sometimes two. Sometimes three. I wasn’t in the cuffs anymore, but that didn’t matter.
Escape was impossible. I had everything I needed in my underground room.
Everything but Vaughn. Oddly, I was okay with that.
Maybe he was giving me time to adjust to what happened. It’s not like he didn’t attempt to talk to me about it. He had. But it’d been so new that I became a mess when the words began to come out.
I thought participating in the quartering would help erase what was done. All handling those body parts did was open my eyes to a darkness that teased the edges of my fragile, little world. I could give. I could fight. I could kill. And maybe I could enjoy it. A part of me felt like it could.
It’s what scared me the most. As much as I didn’t want to remember what happened to me—I sure lived through the torture in my mind far more often than I should. And not because I was scared. No. I was altered. Evolving.
The more I learned, the more I dreamed. Maybe even fantasized. My thoughts were twisting. The darkness was seeping into the torn edges of who I used to be.
Was I good?
Was I bad?
Was I… good at being bad?
I didn’t know. A part of me wanted to.
Yes. Something in me was broken. Lust had never taken over me. I felt it with Vaughn, but I was able to resist.
Now, having him was all I could think about, and it was because of the rape. Maybe the violation stained my mind. I was tainted, and the only way I could think to satisfy the need was to satisfy myself.
Control.
I knew it was at the root of my unstable behavior.
One part of me wanted to scream while the other wanted to get overpowered again.
This time—by choice. I didn’t even know what to expect aside from the pain, but my body craved something to fill the hole inside me.
I needed the emptiness those guards had left behind gone, or else I would truly go crazy.
“You’re distracted. Again. Do you want to die? Hands up. Protect yourself.”
I threw one more punch into the pad Vaughn held, growling at him as he slammed it against my shoulder. I went stumbling at the force. I ripped back the Velcro, throwing the boxing glove right at him.
“I’m done.”
“You are not done. We’ve barely even started.”
“I’m tired.”
“You’ve had days to rest. You’re rusty and you’re not even trying.”
I spun from heading to the bed, stomping right up to him.
“If I’m rusty it’s your fault. Maybe if you kept a schedule—”
“I have work to do, Penelope. I can’t just stay here all day, every day. The Order is a mess. Redmond and I are working with The Judic going through rules and sanctions. I’m busting my ass trying to find more evidence. What do you want me to do?”
I took off my other glove, hitting him with it as he swatted it away.
“Let me go.”
Vaughn stiffened, his defensiveness turning to rage as he stared me down.
“No.”
“You have other priorities. I can’t just live in this room by myself. Let. Me. Go.”
“No.”
Pain crinkled his brow. He crossed his arms over his chest, not backing down from my stare.
“I want to leave. You made a mistake. We both did. Let’s act like adults and both admit—”
Vaughn was on me so fast, I barely managed to get my hands up between us.
“Stop saying that. This is not a mistake.”
“The sooner you admit it to yourself, the faster you can try to find someone more suitable. We both know it’s not me.”
His eyes closed, and his head went back and forth.
“You don’t mean that. You can do it. You just have to want to. Don’t you want to be with me, Penelope? Even a little?”
I pushed against his chest. “To be with you, I’d actually have to have you. I don’t.”
“That’s not true.”
He was stepping back into me, pulling me back against his body.
“You’re never here anymore.”
“I am—”
“You’re not. You don’t touch me. You don’t kiss me or tell me how you can’t breathe without me. How you can’t think because it’s me who steals your thoughts.”
“You do. God dammit you do! Penelope.”
I wiggled, feeling Vaughn clamp on even tighter. My blood surged and lust begged to push him further.
“You used to be ravenous for me. To kiss me. To touch me. You couldn’t get enough. You’re not the same.”
“I’ve never wanted you more. Why do you think I stay away? I can’t—If I kiss you. If I really kiss you—”
“You’ll what? Scare me? Hurt me?”
“I won’t stop, and that will scare you.”
“Because I’m weak, right?” I stepped closer to him. “Admit it. You think I’m weak. That I’m not strong enough to be queen.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. You could if you wanted to.”
“But you think I don’t, so therefore, my weakness comes from… my lack of want?”
“You want to leave. You said so yourself.”
Slowly, my head nodded.
“So, you admit I am weak.”
Vaughn’s lips parted.
“No, I’m saying if you truly wanted to be queen, you’d put in more effort.”
“Right. Because a crown is what I’ve always wanted.”
I turned, heading for the bed. I sat at the top, leaning against the headboard.
“Don’t you have laws to discuss or something?”
“Not tonight. You’re ready for me to leave that bad?”
“Well, you have no plans to stay, do you?”
Vaughn glanced to the side of the bed he used to sleep on, taking a step back.
“I didn’t think so. Just leave.”
Tears burned my eyes. Of course he had no plans to sleep here. He hadn’t since after the week of the rape.
“Penelope… I’m sorry. I just can’t.”
“I said leave! Get out!” I grabbed his pillow, throwing it at him as hard as I could. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. I reached to the bedside table, grabbing my glass. I pulled at the blankets. I was just about to try to flip the mattress when Vaughn’s arms wrapped around me from behind.
“Stop.”
“Get off!”
His voice was smooth but demanding.
“Calm down.”
“Never.” I sobbed, turning to hit into his chest. Where I had every intention of fighting, I felt myself hold and pull down. I was pulling him towards me, crying, needing.
Vaughn’s mouth met mine with a heat that had me clawing into him. He was tearing at my clothes, just as I was to him. Where fear flickered as he pulled my dress over my head, I didn’t care. I’d hurt a million times over, so long as he didn’t stop.
“Vaughn.”
His shirt hit the ground, and his jeans quickly followed.
He laid me on the bed, covering my body with a ferocity that brought relief.
Our tongues met, and I wrapped around his neck, holding on as he moved his hand down between my legs.
His fingers traced over my pussy. I cried out, digging my nails into the back of his shoulder.
He rubbed around the wetness, moaning so deep that I felt it everywhere.
It was the sexiest sound I’d ever heard, and it left me shifting impatiently.
Vaughn’s hand drew back, and his cock stretched me as he began to inch inside.
I jolted at the burn, feeling Vaughn freeze.
“Don’t stop. Please don’t stop.”
His body went rigid. Vaughn pulled back to meet my stare. He was panting, and his eyes were wild.
“Fuck. Shit.”
“Please. Vaughn.”
“You wanted to wait. You wanted—”
“I changed my mind. I don’t want to wait anymore. I want you right now.”
His lids squeezed shut, and I shook him with all the harbored anger I held.
“Don’t you dare stop now. I want you. I thought you wanted me.”
“Penelope—For fucks sake. You don’t understand.”
“Then tell me. Talk to me. Tell me as blunt as you can because I’m fucking dying here. I’m losing my mind.”
He tried to lift, but I locked my legs around his waist, holding around his neck with everything I had.
“Let go.”
“No. Not until you tell me why you won’t be with me. Why do you keep leaving? Why are you avoiding me? I tell you I want you, so it can’t be that. I tell you to let me go so you can find someone stronger. You refuse.”
“You know too much about The Order. I couldn’t—”
My arms dropped, and I pushed him off.
“I know too much?”
“You did not let me finish. Even if I wanted to change my mind, you’ve seen The Order. You know how it works. I couldn’t leave you if I wanted to. Which I don’t. My guards—
“Leave.”
I pulled up the sheet, wrapping it around me.
“I’m not leaving.”
“I guess the loyalty part of those vows were bullshit. I can’t believe how na?ve I’ve been.”
“You’re doing this on purpose. You want to fight.”
“What I want—”
Vaughn grabbed my ankles jerking me down on the bed. The sheet was torn off as he pressed his weight back on me.
“You want my cock so bad? More than waiting for marriage? Dammit, Penelope. You wanted special. Do you know how hard it is for me to see you and not touch you? To not cum inside your pussy so I can have the one thing I want and need more than anything—an heir? I need that to secure my line. I need it right now. Nothing is more important than that. But you said special. That’s what you wanted, and I ruined that by taking you with me.
I ruined that. You got hurt because of me.
You could have been killed. And I’m supposed to act like that didn’t happen?
I’m supposed to ignore your wishes of marriage because you’re hurting and you’re dying to forget?
I want to forget too. I want to look at you and feel like I didn’t destroy the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.
Penelope, I don’t even recognize you anymore. ”
Tears raced down my face, and all fight melted away. How did you find a part of yourself that wasn’t there anymore? How did one become a person who was dead and gone?
“I have to go. There’s a party tonight. Redmond’s attending, so I’ll be at The Order. I should be back in the morning.” He got up, grabbing his clothes and putting them back on. “I think tomorrow we should talk. There’s a lot to discuss and tonight is not the time.”
Ringing had him cursing as he grabbed his phone.
“Redmond, I’m on my—”
Vaughn grabbed his keys, a mass of emotions sweeping his face. His feet shifted, and he paused before shaking his head.
“Slow down.”
But his words kicked him into gear and only made him go faster.
And me, I was getting used to the constant emergencies that had him racing from the room.
Vaughn took the stairs two at a time, and I closed my eyes at the door shutting.
I let myself fade into the sea of hate and rage I lived in.
It was the only place I felt safe, and I needed that if I was going to not break into pieces. If… If…
I sat up, slowly looking towards the stairs. All thoughts left me as I waited.
And waited…
Silence.
Time drug out in torturous seconds.
My pulse spiked.
I waited.
Still nothing.
I scrambled from the bed, pulling on my dress.
Still nothing.
Still.
Nothing.
I raced up the stairs. Counting.
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
I swallowed hard, praying as I touched the knob.
I nearly collapsed through the adrenaline that hit at what this could mean.
The two parts of myself that always battled went toe to toe. They screamed and clawed at each other to the death. The question was simple. The answer was not.
Did I stay and fall into the role Vaughn had forced me into?
Or did I lose love and finally fight for freedom?
Fight… to choose…?
I twisted the knob, letting the tears leave me.
Vaughn had taught me to fight. If I were ever going to do that, I had to start with myself.
Unlocked.