Chapter Thirty-Five
Alicia
He matches me at every turn. I can lash out, bare my teeth, slash with razor sharp claws, but Rowan doesn’t bat an eye. He doesn’t back down, doesn’t call me crazy, or give up and walk away, even though I just accused him of doing that. He takes every barb and jab without flinching.
It’s only when I aim those attacks at myself that he steps in, takes hold of my wrists, and touches his forehead to mine.
“Alicia, stop,” he orders quietly, and for one cruel moment, I’m whisked back to when he stopped our bathroom tryst, the catalyst for where we are now.
“I’ll take whatever you can throw at me, but I refuse to let you hurt yourself, even with your words.
I don’t care what your brain is telling you.
It’s nothing but vicious lies. You are not weak.
You are not useless. You are not unlovable. ”
“Then why does everyone leave?” My voice cracks on the last word, and I hang my head in shame.
I’ve never let myself form the words in my head, let alone out loud.
But that’s what it comes down to, doesn’t it?
No one has ever loved me enough to stay.
My father wasn’t around much, even before he went to prison.
Then when he does show up, he’s gone the moment he gets what he wants.
My mother left the moment she realized I was capable of taking care of myself and Bridget.
And Bridget? She obviously hates me so much, she ran away.
Rowan’s strong hand grips my chin firmly, forcing my eyes back to his. Through clenched teeth, he growls out, “I’m right fucking here a chéadsearc, and I’m goin’ nowhere.”
Blinking rapidly to clear the tears, I meet his eyes. “Why?”
His eyes burn with an intensity that both thrills and scares me. Lifting one of my hands, he kisses the inside of my wrist. “Because I love you, Alicia.”
“What?” My head jerks back, smacking the wall, but I don’t feel a thing because I’m stunned by his words.
There’s not an ounce of humor on his face when he repeats himself.
“I love you. You’re everything I never knew I needed or wanted.
I don’t feel settled unless I’m with you.
You…” He inhales deeply like he’s fighting back emotions.
“You, darlin’, are the reason I believe in love at all.
When I call you a chéadsearc, it’s not just a pet name.
It means ‘first love’. There was no love in my family, and I’ve certainly never loved another lass, until you. ”
A fresh wave of tears spills over. “Rowan,” I whisper. “I…you…”
I can’t respond because I don’t know how to put what I feel into words.
Do I love Ro? How would I know? I love Bridget, but that’s different than this.
Loving a sister seems as easy as breathing.
Loving someone romantically? It’s work. And it’s hard.
Isn’t it? It doesn’t feel difficult being with Ro.
Convincing myself that I hated him for so long was the challenge.
I’ve been standing on a precipice, terrified of plummeting to my inevitable doom.
I know that if it doesn’t kill me, it’s going to be unimaginably painful, breaking me beyond recognition.
But then I realize that it’s too late because I already fell.
I have been falling, and the fear is no longer present because I know Rowan Gallagher is my landing place.
He’s been trying to show me this all along.
“You don’t have to say anything back,” he says softly.
“I just needed you to know that I’ve got you, love.
You don’t have to hold it all, all the time.
If you feel like collapsing, go ahead, because I’ll be right here to catch you every time.
You’ve spent your entire life holding everything—everyone—up, and now it’s time to let someone else carry the brunt of it. ”
“I love you, Rowan!” The words rush from my mouth, leaving him seemingly stunned, but I can’t stop the torrent that follows.
“I don’t know if I’ll do it right, in fact, I’m sure I’ll fuck everything up.
But what I feel when I’m with you is something I’ve never experienced, so it has to be love. Right?”
“Depends.” The corners of his eyes crinkling as he smiles. “What is it that you feel?”
Of course he’s going to make me lay it all out. Tit for tat. I take a steadying breath before doing just that.
“You make me feel strong and anchored, like I can accomplish anything as long as you’re next to me.
You challenge me, and you’re not afraid to call me on my bullshit.
It pisses me off, but deep down I love that you do it.
” We smile at each other knowingly. “I miss you when you’re on the road, Ro.
I count down the days and hours like some love sick fool.
I crave your touch, but feel like I’m going to explode because of how much I want you.
When your hands are on me, it’s too much and not enough, all at the same time.
I love watching you with my cat and my sister.
You didn’t even hesitate to accept them as an extension of me, and I think it might be the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.
I love watching you on the field. Your focus and the power behind every shot, the way you encourage your teammates, it fills me with so much pride.
When I hear other women talking about you or see them try to flirt with you, it turns me into some possessive psycho that wants to claw their eyes out because you’re mine. I—.”
Ro’s lips crash into mine as he releases my wrists, one hand holding my jaw while the other presses against my lower back, dragging me against him.
Our mouths part as we attempt to devour the other, as if this is the only way to express the measure of our feelings.
My fingers unfurl against his solid chest, coasting across the muscled expanse of skin.
I mirror him, placing a hand to the side of his face and sliding the other around his waist to splay it across the middle of his back.
“Say it again,” he pleads against my lips before kissing my cheek and moving to my ear. “Tell me I’m yours, Li.”
“You’re mine,” I breathe, moving my hand to cup the back of his head. “You’re mine and I love you, Rowan Gallagher.”
“Sweetest sound I’ve ever heard,” he rasps against my throat, the coarse hairs of his beard tickling me.
I tip my head back to rest against the wall as he kisses, sucks, and nips every inch of my neck.
The hand at my back drifts down to squeeze my ass before lifting me, my legs automatically locking around his hips.
Ro pushes forward, pinning me against the wall, the hard ridge of his cock thrusting against my core.
I whimper at the sensation and roll my pelvis to chase it.
“What do you need, love?” Amber eyes meet mine as he thrusts again, slowly, and holds himself against me.
Dipping my head slightly, I brush my lips against his. “Just you, baby,” I whisper.
Whirling, he crosses the short distance between the wall and the bed, setting me down gently on my feet.
I sit on the edge of the mattress and spread my legs, tugging at the waistband of his sweats until he’s standing between them.
When I look up, he swallows thickly before stroking his thumb down my cheek.
“You’re so beautiful,” he murmurs. “I love it when you look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re safe.”
My eyes burn, a lump forming in my throat. No one makes me feel as secure as he does. Extending a hand, I place it over his heart. The steady thumping just one more reminder of how unwavering he’s been.
“I’ve never felt safe with anyone but you.” I place a kiss on his stomach while dragging his pants and briefs down his legs. “You’re my rock, Rowan.”
He doesn’t say a word as he reaches for the bottom of my shirt and lifts it over my head, leaving me in nothing but black panties.
“Always will be,” he promises solemnly. “Now, let me love you right.”
Every kiss and caress of his hands over my skin is unhurried and reverent, stoking the fire within that burns brightest for him.
When he finally sinks into me, I cling to him like a life raft in a turbulent sea.
Each thrust of his hips is deep, hitting that perfect spot and bringing me closer to detonating.
When I think I’m just about to crest, he pulls us upright, with him on his knees and my legs wrapped tightly around his waist. He continues driving into me at a slow and steady pace.
My hands are planted on his broad shoulders and our eyes stay locked on each other, breath mingling in the minimal space between us as one of his hands keeps me in place, the other trailing up and down my spine.
It’s the most intimate moment of my life.
“Rowan,” I gasp. I’m so close.
His fingers sink into the hair at the nape of my neck, pulling my head back as he rains kisses all over my throat. The slight sting of my hair being pulled makes me moan.
“That’s it, darlin’,” he growls out, thrusting harder. “Let go for me. Let me hear you.”
Releasing his shoulders, I wind my arms around his neck, clutching to him for dear life and screaming out a garbled cry as my release barrels through me.
“So fucking perfect,” Ro rasps as he continues to pump into me, his movements becoming more erratic the closer he gets to his own orgasm. “Fuck. You feel so good coming all over my cock like that.”
I nip his earlobe then whisper, “Come for me, baby. Show me how good it feels.”
Rowan slams into me one last time then stills, a string of curses falling from his lips. I love watching and listening to—and feeling—him come. The satisfaction of knowing that I am the one causing him to lose control and giving him that pleasure is empowering. Knowing that he loves me?
Euphoric.