CHAPTER 18
HAVEN
My palms are sweating. That’s how nervous I am right now. I’ve been in my room at Knox’s house for over an hour, pretending like I’ll be sleeping sometime soon. I won’t be.
I’m not under any illusion that I’ll be able to fall asleep.
Not with the knowledge that Knox is only in the room next door to mine.
After checking on Wilde for, at least, the tenth time, I’ve accepted he’s sleeping soundly. The little smile on his face tells me he’s content right where he is.
It’s not like I can really blame him. Knox put a lot of thought and effort into putting Wilde’s room together.
Not only can he draw on the walls, which is cool enough on its own, but everything in the room was chosen with my son in mind.
The bed is almost too big for him, but it leaves him plenty of room to grow into it.
The art on the walls is a collection of art we saw at the museum only a few weeks ago.
The best part about the room is it’s not only about art. There are games, toys, and stuffed animals which are perfect for a kid his age. Wilde could be occupied in there for hours.
When I saw it, I couldn’t stop a few tears from escaping. Thankfully, Wilde didn’t notice because he was focused on taking everything in. Knox noticed though. Instead of saying anything, he just wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me against his side.
Now the only thing I want to do is slip out of my room and walk into his. Sure, part of the reason is because my body is buzzing with need for him, something I’ve only ever experienced around Knox, but it’s more than that as well.
I want to go to sleep curled up next to him with my head on his chest. I want to feel the way his arms wrap around me and hold me safely no matter what demons reach for me from the shadows.
I want to wake up with his front pressed up against my back, his body curled around mine like he can’t stand the thought of letting me go.
Knox made it very clear that his door is always open to me, and Wilde, if we need him. But can I just walk in there and climb into his bed? I’m fairly sure he wouldn’t mind. Am I ready for that? For all of him?
Because if I slide into bed with him then there will be no turning back. Not with the way the man looks at me with hunger and need.
Today was exactly what we needed. I’ve been twisted up in knots ever since I accepted his invitation to move in. But today the only thing we had to do was settle in, unpack, and relax. I could feel Wilde relaxing more and more as time passed.
And then he fell asleep without a care in the world. While I’m over here completely unsure if I’ll ever be able to get to sleep.
Don’t get me wrong, the guest room Knox put together for me is nice. It has everything I need and there is not a damn thing I have to complain about.
But it feels wrong, like this isn’t the room I should be in.
After standing up again, I make my way to the door and peek out. Wilde’s door is cracked open just the way I left it the last time I checked on him. Then there’s Knox’s door. It’s open much more than a crack.
I swear the way his door is open makes it look like an invitation. At least it’s what my horny mind sees when I look at it.
And, fuck, I am horny.
It’s not something I’ve ever experienced before, not like this. I know the only reason it feels so all-consuming is because of Knox. I don’t want just anyone. I want him.
A burst of confidence has me leaving my room and shuffling toward Knox’s door. It only takes a few moments, but every step feels like I’m traversing a huge distance. I’m aware of what will happen, what I’m admitting by entering his room.
And I don’t want to deny myself any longer.
I don’t just want him. I need him.
My footfalls are soft and silent as I walk into his room and pull the door gently closed behind me. Knox is sitting up against his headboard, his tablet in his lap while soft light comes from the lamp on the nightstand next to him. His head snaps up the moment the door clicks closed.
“Haven,” he rasps as his fingers tighten on his tablet, “is everything okay?”
Even though he tries to keep his voice steady and even, I can hear the strain in it. He’s holding back because he doesn’t want to scare me. And, fuck, it makes me fall even deeper for this man.
My man.
I clear my throat and force my feet to take a few steps closer to him without closing the distance completely. “The room you’ve set up for me is great,” my voice is far huskier than it normally is, and I swallow hard to try and combat how dry my mouth has become.
It doesn’t help.
“But you can’t sleep,” he surmises.
I shake my head slowly while my gaze stays locked with his. The raw hunger on his face has my nipples pebbling and my skin heating. I want his hands all over me.
The question is—am I brave enough to ask for what I need?
“No,” I rasp, “I can’t sleep.”
“My door is always open to you and whatever you need Haven,” there is a weight to his words. “My room is your room. My bed is your bed.”
I step closer to the edge of his bed and decide to be brave. “I need more than to climb into your bed.”
Knox’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. Even though my words are suggestive, he waits. I’m not sure if he wants me to be clear so there’s no room for misunderstanding or if he’s just shocked. Even while we’ve been taking it slow, I’ve been holding myself back from him.
No more.
“I’ve been in the guest room, pretending to try and sleep, but my body has been buzzing and begging me to come in here. It doesn’t feel right in that room, as lovely as it is.”
Knox’s eyes go wide with my words and his hands clench into fists tight enough that his knuckles start to turn white. He wants to reach for me, but he holds himself back and I can’t really blame him. He’s been so careful to go at my speed, to match my pace.
But I’m done waiting. It’s time to put myself and my needs ahead of my trauma and my past.
“I need you Knox. Not just your bed. You,” I emphasize the word as my gaze roams over him.
Taking a huge fucking chance, I climb onto the bed and scoot up his body until I’m straddling his hips, and our mouths are close enough to share the air we’re breathing.
“I want all of you Knox and I want to give myself to you. I’m not waiting anymore. ”
“Do you know what you’re saying?” His voice is thick and strained. “Do you know what you’re asking?”
“I know,” I promise. “I know there is no going back and I don’t want to. I only want to go forward,” my voice drops to a whisper, “with you.”
“Fuck, little storm,” he groans.
And then his hands are on me. He grips my hips, the heat of his skin burning through the thin nightgown I’m wearing.
It’s not sexy with lace, straps, and support.
It’s cotton and functional but Knox doesn’t seem to mind.
The way he grips me and holds me in place grounds me, and allows my thoughts to clear for a moment, no longer overcome with lust. But that doesn’t make me want him any less.
I reach down and grip the bottom of my nightgown which had ridden up my thighs to the point of indecency. It makes it easier to pull off.
Knox is looking at me like I’m a beautiful treasure he covets and desires to keep safe. It’s everything I’ve never been brave enough to dream about.
After pulling my nightgown up and off, I let it fall to the floor next to the bed. Knox’s jaw falls open as he takes in my body covered in only a pair of simple cotton panties. As much as I would love some fancy underwear, it hasn’t been a priority for me the way survival was.
“You’re fucking stunning, Haven,” he growls.
His hands slide up my torso from my hips until he’s cupping my breasts.
When his thumbs run over my already hard nipples, I grind down against the obvious bulge underneath me.
I’m not sure what he’s wearing, but with his clothing and the comforter there are far too many layers of fabric between us. I ache to feel his skin against mine.
“Please,” I mewl, unsure what I’m even asking for.
“Do you need me to show you how good I can make you feel, Haven?” There’s something dark and delicious in his voice, something that has my body straining to get even closer to him as I nod eagerly.
He chuckles, but the sound isn’t like his normal laugh, this is smokey and filled with lust. “By the time you fall asleep in my arms,” he promises, “you’ll be ruined for anyone but me. ”
“I already am,” I gasp as he pinches my nipples and my back arches to push my breasts deeper into his touch.
Knox smirks and then rolls me underneath him while kicking the comforter away from his legs. His body, which is much larger than mine, looms over me. I suck in a breath and wait for fear to overtake me. When it doesn’t happen, I relax back into the bed and into this. Into him.
He buries his face in the crook of my neck and takes a deep breath like he’s smelling me.
I can’t say I blame him as I’m enveloped in his cedar and smoke scent.
It’s fucking intoxicating and makes my pussy clench around nothing.
Getting turned on by how good he smells is a new one for me, but, then again, so much of being with Knox is new to me.
Is this how it’s supposed to be? I have no idea, but I’m not complaining. Will it always be like this? I hope so and I’m looking forward to finding out.
I love the weight of him against me. It makes me feel safe and secure instead of trapped and out of control. My legs wrap around his hips as my fingers curl around the back of his neck and play with the short hair there. The way he shivers because of my touch is everything.
“Last chance to back out,” he pushes past his lips, his jaw clenched, and the muscles of his neck strained while he holds himself back.
“I’m not backing out,” my words are a promise layered with meaning.
When he slams his mouth down on mine, our kiss is on the verge of being feral. It feels like his control is unraveling under my fingertips. I welcome it. I want it.