Chapter 9
Nine
Astor
I’m trying to be calm and collected, but inside I’m dancing.
This is joy.
Sabine. Is. Joy.
Just being in close proximity to this woman is like taking a shot of the most addictive drug. She’s intoxicating. The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, with no makeup, a head of messy, curly hair, and shorts that make me want to bend her over the barstool. She looks magnificent.
She looks like mine.
Mine.
The fact that Sabine hasn’t slapped me across the face or ordered me to leave is a good start. She’s trying to hide her emotions, but I can read my baby like a book. Sabine is equally flustered and curious, but trying to be mad.
She takes a deep breath, still processing my impromptu arrival.
I’m still processing, too. What happened between Valerie and me in the bathroom was one of my darkest moments, but with it came a clarity like nothing else. I am taking care of the wrong person. I never want to touch that woman again. Regardless of my obligations to Valerie, which I know I somehow need to uphold, I am spending my time with the wrong woman. At that moment, I decided that I would not live another day without Sabine in my life. The next afternoon I was in my jet, on my way to Louisiana, on a Friday.
“Astor,” Sabine says on a deep inhale. “There are one million things I could say right now. One million questions that I have. But I am . . .” she shakes her head. “I am overwhelmed and?—”
“May I touch you?”
“Yes.”
I take her hand from her lap, wrap it in my palm. Electricity shoots up my arms. I stare at this hand that I love so much. I turn it over, stroke the back with my thumb. I don’t want to let it go. And I never will again.
Mine.
With a knot in my throat, I ask, “Did you read my letters?”
“Yes,” she says, her voice cracking.
“Sabine, I need to make sure you know that I meant every word of them.”
“I do. And as much as I hate to admit it, I believe you.” Tears fill her eyes. “It’s been so hard Astor. I need you to know that. ”
With my other hand I grip my whiskey glass, having to physically restrain myself from wrapping my arms around her. That’s not what Sabine needs right now. She needs to talk, to get it out.
“I understand that you told Carlos you would trade me for your wife before we fell in love—I get that. And I truly do understand why you lied to me and didn’t tell me that you and Valerie had a past. Things happened so fast between us. I get it.”
A wave of relief washes over me. I squeeze her hand.
Tears spill down her cheeks and her chin begins to quiver. “And when you put the gun to your head and were prepared to give your life for mine . . .” She begins sobbing. I try to pull her to me, but she swats away my advance. “No, Astor. I need to get this out. When you did that, I knew there was no going back. That I would love you forever. That you were my soulmate. That this was it. Whether I would have you for the rest of my life, or not, you were—you are—my one true love.” Her tears increase, shattering my already broken heart. “And then when I woke up bleeding out on the concrete floor and you were gone . . . I can’t explain the betrayal I felt. You’d left me. You left me, Astor.”
“I didn’t know, Sabine,” my words come out in a breathy whisper as tears fill my eyes. “I thought you were dead.”
“I know, I know. Hell, I thought I was dead too. But it doesn’t take away the intensity I felt in that moment when you weren’t there. It was horrific, dragging myself across the floor while bleeding.”
Unable to take it a second longer, I stand, pulling her off the chair and into my chest. “Please.” I inhale her hair. “Just let me hug you, please.”
She fists my t-shirt. “I’m so terrified I’m going to feel that again,” she cries into my chest. “That you’re going to hurt me again like you did that day. I love you more than I can express and I am so scared that if I give into you again—that if I give you my heart again—that I am going to metaphorically wake up on the floor one day and you’re not going to be there—again.”
Tears roll down my cheeks. “I promise you, Sabine.” I gently tilt her face up to mine. “I promise you with all my heart that’s never going to happen again.”
“Astor, you're married.”
I growl with pained frustration. “I’m filing for divorce; it’s complicated. But I know—I know . It’s impossibly complicated and I don’t know how to navigate that piece yet, but what I do know is that I have to have you. You are mine, my beautiful butterfly. You are my true love and we have to be together.”
“It’s impossible.”
“No. It’s not.” I pull her closer, desperation squeezing my chest. “Please don’t make me leave. Be with me. Let me stay with you tonight, please. I’m begging you. I’m begging you, Sabine. Don’t let me go.”