Chapter 39
Mia
When I leave the library, I feel a little better. Not good exactly, but better. There’s still a lot of work to do if I want to pull up my grade and pass this class but I’ve never been afraid of hard work.
It’s almost two and there’s no time to drop my notes off in my room if I’m planning to meet Jenna and Alice for the boat race so I dash out, pulling my jacket around me and wishing I’d brought a warmer coat.
When I see him sitting on the front steps of the library, I have my claw clip in my mouth, both my hands looped in my hair.
I’m not ready. My entire body goes still when our eyes meet.
‘Mia.’
Oliver stands up, dark circles under his eyes, his perfectly dishevelled hair considerably less perfect than normal.
‘Mia?’ He says my name again when I walk right by him and it takes a couple of seconds for him to chase after me. I’m a little surprised that he does.
‘I am so sorry. My behaviour last night was inexcusable.’ His long legs let him overtake me fast and he stands right in front of me, blocking the path. ‘Please talk to me, I’ve been waiting ages.’
‘How did you know I was at the library?’
‘I went to find you in halls but you weren’t there, then I saw Alice and Jenna at The Snug. They had some feedback for me on my behaviour.’
The corners of my mouth flicker at the thought.
‘But that was hours ago,’ I say. ‘And it’s freezing out.’
‘Is it?’
In nothing but his standard leather blazer and vintage tee, Oliver looks around as though he hasn’t noticed.
‘I didn’t want to disturb you. And, well, let’s be honest. I needed some time to work on my apology.’
‘Today is the day for them,’ I mutter before dodging around him and continuing on the path towards the boathouse.
‘I was a dickhead last night,’ he says, back on my heels. ‘A complete dickhead. The gig was a shitshow and then the argument with the boys in the band, I was not in the right frame of mind for us.’
‘You were in the right frame of mind for those other two girls.’
‘And I should’ve known someone as emotionally intelligent and empathetic as you deserved better than that,’ he says. ‘Again. Sorry.’
‘That’s nice of you to say,’ I reply, concentrating on the footpath in front of me instead of his puppy-dog eyes. ‘I am intelligent and empathetic.’
‘Then you’ll accept my apology?’
‘No.’
There’s a moment of quiet and then Oliver laughs, like I’ve told the most hilarious joke of all time. When I try to turn left at the fork in the path, he cuts in front of me and places his hands on my shoulders. And even though I hate myself, when I look up into his eyes, I melt.
‘It was stupid, I know it was, but you’ve got to believe me,’ he says, caressing the tops of my arms. ‘Those girls, they’re not like you. Whatever I did with them, it didn’t mean anything. It doesn’t even come close to the way I feel about you.’
I suck in my cheeks, freezing all the way up again.
‘What do you mean, whatever you did with them?’
His hands tighten around my arms.
‘You’re not listening. What I’m trying to say is, with other girls, it’s purely physical, there’s no emotional connection. Really only one slight step up from a wank, if you want to be crass about it.’
‘I don’t want to be crass about it,’ I reply, unwanted images filling my mind. ‘But I do want to clarify. You’re saying you slept with them?’
‘I’m saying it doesn’t matter.’ He draws me towards him but when I don’t move, he comes to me, wrapping my rigid body in an unwelcome hug. ‘You and me, we have an intellectual connection. That’s what makes our relationship meaningful.’
Above us, the sky is grey, a swirling blend of dark and heavy clouds. It could storm or they could pass, I’m not sure which, but I have a new appreciation for the class I took on pathetic fallacy.
‘It’s good that you left,’ Oliver murmurs into my ear. ‘I was in a dark place and I needed to get it out of my system. If we’d tainted this, what we have, with something so sordid, I never would’ve forgiven myself.’
‘Right because what you did with them was one step up from a wank,’ I reply, cringing at the words. ‘And what we have is so meaningful.’
He releases me and I just stand there staring at him, arms hanging down by my side.
‘Exactly. It was just sex, base, animal release. I’m so relieved you understand, I knew you would.’
And I do understand because it’s just what I thought. I’ve never felt desirable, I’m not that kind of girl. Oliver doesn’t see me that way, men never see me that way. Except maybe one.
‘I’m on my way to meet Alice and Jenna,’ I say, biting back a thousand half-formed sentences. I hate that he’s rationalized his behaviour for himself and even worse, I hate that part of me accepts it. I need to get out of here. ‘Probably not a great idea for you to tag along.’
‘Possibly not,’ he agrees. ‘But while I’ve got you, I’ve been thinking. This isn’t something I talk about often because people always try to take advantage, but my dad is the CEO of Herringbone.’
Alice had mentioned his family was in publishing a while back but she hadn’t said his dad was the CEO of my favourite publishing house.
‘He is?’
Oliver nods.
‘He’s all about supporting young talent. If you wanted me to speak to him about getting you some work experience, an internship-type thing over the Christmas holidays or next summer maybe, I could do that.’
Everything inside me goes quiet and still. An internship. At Herringbone.
‘It’s one of the best publishing houses in the world, they’ve got a million awards, the most incredible authors,’ he goes on, reeling me in like I’m a giant flounder and he’s planning a big old fish fry for supper.
‘I usually go in during the uni holidays so you wouldn’t be on your own.
You know how it is, Dad’s desperate to get me into the family business. ’
A previously unthinkable future flashes in front of my eyes. A life in London, a job in publishing, a purpose, a direction.
‘Really?’ The word comes out as a whisper. ‘You would do that?’
Oliver strokes my cheek and my skin prickles.
‘For you, yes.’
An offer like this could change my life and he knows it.
‘Can I think about it?’ I say as his hand falls away.
‘Of course.’
He sticks his hands in his pockets and takes a step backwards. ‘I did try to find you last night, after you left,’ he adds. ‘But by the time I caught up with you, it looked like you were busy.’
All the blood runs out of my face and truly I would make the worst poker player of all time.
‘Busy?’
‘Yeah. And you weren’t alone, I didn’t want to intrude.’
His face gives nothing away but there’s only one thing he could mean. He saw me with Ethan.
‘You should’ve said something,’ I make myself say, rubbing the clasp of the bracelet I’d put back on the instant I walked into my room last night. ‘Why didn’t you?’
‘Well, it looked like you were in the middle of a barney with that roommate of yours and you were already upset with me. I didn’t want to make matters worse.’
A rush of relief is quickly wiped away by a chaser of guilt. I’m judging him for a meaningless hook-up when I was grinding on my roommate at the exact same time.
‘Why don’t we go out one night this week, Tuesday’s good for me,’ he says. ‘A proper date, just me and you, dinner, drinks, we could go to the cinema, whatever you want. There’s an amazing Herzog retrospective on at the Showroom, we should do that.’
‘Sure, maybe,’ I agree, vague and non-committal. ‘I’ll let you know.’
He leans in and places a swift, soft kiss on my cheek and gives me a gentle smile. One I’d memorized and almost convinced myself I loved.
‘Talk to you later then.’
‘Later,’ I echo, a million different emotions fighting for attention at the same time.
I don’t want to go to a Herzog retrospective with him, whatever that is, and the way he tried to excuse his behaviour last night was ugly.
But the chance of an internship at Herringbone …
it could change the course of my whole life.
It’s not a happy truth but the reality is, someone like me usually needs someone like Oliver to open those kinds of doors. It’s something I need to think about.
But not right now.
Right now, there’s someone else I have to talk to and thanks to Oliver, I’m more certain than ever that it can’t wait.