Chapter 48
Mia
‘Mia? Mia, let me in!’
No matter how long I stare at it, the hammering and yelling at my door does not let up.
I know who it is, and I don’t want to talk to her, but the last thing I need is Alice calling campus security and sending someone over for a wellness check.
Because, guess what, I am not well. I drag myself off my bed, scattering books and pens and flashcards as I go, trudging across the room like I’m crawling through a swamp.
A swamp would be better. A swamp would have crocodiles or alligators who would eat me and wrap this up.
‘I’m studying, Alice,’ I call through the door, no intention of letting her in. ‘Can it wait?’
‘What do you mean, you’re studying? You’re an hour late for your shift!’
My shift? My shift. At Members. A quick glance at my watch shows it’s one p.m.. I was supposed to be there at twelve.
‘I – I wasn’t feeling well. I’m on my way now.’
Suddenly I’m wide awake, adrenaline spiking as I open the bathroom door and run the cold tap, splashing water on my puffy, blotchy face.
‘No need, Anders said he could cover.’
Staring at my reflection, I try to feel relief but there’s nothing. Nothing at all. I’m completely numb.
‘Mia, I’m not going anywhere until you let me in. Michael said you were at practice this morning and you and Ethan had a blow-up?’
I can’t remember the last time I was a subject worthy of gossip, but here we are.
Two and a half hours from embarrassing myself in public to someone beating down my door to get the goods.
It feels strange. We were barely a thing.
No one even knew it had begun, but I’m still expected to bleed out in public and share all the gory details of how it ended.
‘You’ve got until I count to three to open the door and then I’m kicking the bloody thing in.’
Leaving the bathroom, I prop myself up against the wall and wait.
‘One. Two. Two and a half. Fine. Three.’
I almost react when Alice does, in fact, boot the door, but it doesn’t budge. It’s been here since before her grandmother was born. One kick isn’t going to do much damage.
‘Firstly, OW,’ she grunts through the heavy old wood. ‘Fine. I’ll go and get Jenna and she can kick it in and you can pay to have it repaired.’
The thought of talking to Alice alone is bad enough, but Alice and Jenna?
I can’t. The door might withstand Alice’s weedy little legs, but Jenna would only have to look at it and the stupid thing would explode into matchsticks.
Preparing myself for the worst, I open the door.
Alice’s eyes meet mine and before she even says a word, she pulls me into a hug so tight I can barely breathe and doesn’t let go.
‘I’m fine,’ I say to the shoulder of her cardigan.
‘You look fine.’
She hugs me harder and tears start to well up behind my eyes, even though I was so sure I’d cried myself out.
What was I crying for anyway, a guy I hooked up with a few times?
Mortifying. But the longer Alice holds me in her arms, the closer they come.
My resolve not to cry is not nearly as strong as her commitment to this hug and when she sighs into my hair, the dam breaks and I burst into tears.
We cross the room like two people running the world’s slowest three-legged race, Alice taking care not to tread on any papers or books, me stomping over all of it.
‘I was worried something might’ve happened to you.
’ She sets me down on the bed then pulls the chair away from my desk to sit directly in front of me, holding my hands in hers.
‘Michael texted me and I panicked. Good job I was in my room with my phone on or you would’ve had him banging your door down. ’
My hands are hot and clammy in Alice’s cool grip, but I can’t bring myself to pull them away. Touching her helps. Looking at her doesn’t. Every time I catch sight of her worried face, I burst into tears all over again.
‘Nothing happened.’ I force the words out between wracking sobs. ‘I’m being stupid.’
‘Nothing happened but you missed your shift at Members and you’re crying more than I did when One Direction split up.’ She shakes her head. ‘You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I’m not leaving until you can breathe without choking on air.’
‘I forgot, is all. Won’t happen again. Unless…’ An unwelcome thought cuts through the fug. ‘Am I fired? Because I really need this job.’
‘For one no-show? No, Mia, no-one’s going to fire you.’
‘Because I know I’m not good but I’m trying so hard,’ I say, stress and pressure starting to build in the pit of my stomach.
‘It’s only been a few weeks and I haven’t spent a ton of time in bars in my life, I don’t know all the drinks and you know how it is when it gets loud and everyone is yelling and—’
Alice stops me with a hand over my mouth.
‘Enough. There’s no need to beat yourself up, it’s not an easy job at the beginning and you’re not fired. You’re having fun though?’
‘Fun?’ I echo the unfamiliar word when she moves her hand.
‘Yes, fun,’ she says. ‘It’s an abstract concept and I’m not sure how to explain it but I will say, if you need a definition, I suspect you aren’t having any.’
‘It is fun, I am having fun,’ I tell her, lying as fast as I can so she won’t think I’m an ungrateful bitch.
‘It’s just my paper is due tomorrow, the Bleak House paper, and it’s taking up so much of my time.
I can’t make it make sense and I don’t know why.
I’ve read Dickens before but it’s impossibly long and there are so many different characters and plots and if I fail, oh God, if I fail, everyone will be so disappointed in me and I’ll have to go home and then there’s Ethan and—’
Alice’s lips disappear into a long thin line as she leans forward and squeezes my hands tight.
‘Mia, please listen to me,’ she says calmly. ‘Have you ever talked to anyone about any of this?’
‘About my essay?’ I break her grip to wipe the tears away from my face. ‘Or Ethan?’
‘About your anxiety.’
I hear the word and everything stops.
‘My anxiety? You think I have anxiety?’
‘I’m not a doctor, so I don’t know.’ She stands up and moves from her chair to sit by my side on the bed.
‘But from my perspective, as your friend, you can get very stressed out by things, and I’m not saying they’re not stressful or your feelings aren’t valid, but you sometimes seem to get stressed out to a point where you’re not functioning. ’
The pounding in my chest turns solid, a leaden lump that’s blocking off my oxygen.
‘That’s because I’m not trying hard enough, not because I have anxiety.’
‘Oh, Mia, no. You’re trying so hard.’
‘Too hard?’
‘Well, thank you for proving my point.’ She shifts on the bed, crossing her legs underneath her. ‘What I mean is, you’re pushing yourself too hard and worrying too much. Do you know why you do that?’
‘It’s not too much if I’m still screwing up all the time,’ I counter, the list of everything I’ve done wrong since arriving at Hemden spiralling through my mind.
‘I need to focus, stop wasting time, get on top of my classes. My parents are going to be so mad, even more than they already are. They said I would mess this up and—’
Alice’s hand covers my mouth again.
‘Since this is the only way to slow you down, I’m going to keep doing it until you start listening, all right?
’ She raises both eyebrows and I nod obediently.
‘Your parents are your business, and please don’t punch me in the tit, but it sounds like they weren’t totally supportive of you coming here? ’
Mouth still covered, I don’t try to correct her, and it feels so traitorous.
‘Is it possible they’re a bit hard on you and that stresses you out?’
This time I push her hand away, vigorously shaking my head.
‘They’re not hard on me, I’m hard on me.
’ Reaching for my bracelet, I press each of its sharpest points into the pad of my thumb until I find my focus.
‘They tried to protect me from this, they told me not to come. But I thought I knew better. Turns out they were right. If I fail this paper and Dr Quinn kicks me off his course, they were right.’
‘What’s that poem everyone quotes, the Larkin one?’ Alice frowns with concentration. ‘They fuck you up, your mum and dad?’
‘Haven’t heard it.’
‘And now I know what to get you for Christmas,’ she replies.
‘Mia, I can’t pretend I know how strange it must be, being so far away from home but I think I might feel lonely sometimes, even if I had made friends with some of the greatest human beings ever to have walked the earth.
’ She clears her throat theatrically and flips her hair.
‘There are people you can talk to at the student centre. Counsellors. I started going last year and it really helped.’
It’s a shock. Alice is always so upbeat and relentlessly, almost offensively happy. I can’t believe she’s the kind of person who would need counselling.
‘You went to therapy?’
‘I still go.’ She takes a sharp breath in then blows it out.
‘That shitty break-up I mentioned. I fell into a bit of a hole afterwards and couldn’t get myself out.
Talking it out with someone helped put it all into perspective, gave me some coping skills that didn’t involve driving to his house in the middle of the night and removing his balls with a rusty pen knife. ’
‘Jenna’s suggestion?’
‘Jenna’s suggestion. She’s nothing if not consistent.’
I try to reassure her by forcing a smile but I just look like I’ve eaten a bad clam.
‘That’s great, Alice. I’m glad it worked for you but I don’t have the time.’
‘It’s fifty minutes a week. You have the time.’
‘I can’t afford it.’
‘Nice try but it’s free,’ she replies. ‘Got anything else?’
‘Yes, I’d be taking time away from people who really need help,’ I say. ‘People who have been through traumatic stuff. What am I going to talk about in counselling? Poor me, school is hard, I suck at my job, please fix me? I wouldn’t know where to start.’