CHAPTER TWELVE
Benny was so fucked.
It seemed like a good idea in his head. They clearly couldn’t keep their hands off each other so why fight it? But now he was second guessing himself. He was already too far gone.
You’re an idiot.
The sound of his alarm going off was just another reminder he was in over his head.
Reaching for his phone, he quickly put an end to the ringing. His gaze going back to the beautiful woman on his chest who was now stirring.
Last night, they’d not just crossed a line, they’d taken a match to it and scorched the fucking earth.
Ruin me.
He was the ruined one. That phrase was what she’d asked the first time he’d ever lost control with her.
Taking her hard. Dirty. All the while whispering filthy things in her ear.
To this day she was still the only woman he’d trusted to let go with.
Which was unsurprising, seeing as she’d been his one and only relationship.
One-night stands weren’t exactly the time to surprise someone with dominant demands and rough hands.
Not that he wanted to do that with a stranger, either.
It wasn’t just the mind-blowing sex that had sparked his inevitable ruin, though.
It was the whole night. And the complete lack of boundaries enforced to protect his heart.
They cooked. They laughed. They kissed. And he held her all night long.
Now this. His hand lifted, his fingers going straight to the silky strands of dark hair dusted over his chest.
“Hey,” Bethany’s head lifted, sleepy eyes meeting his. “What time is it?”
She made no attempt to move. To untangle her legs from his. To remove the hand currently resting on his stomach. Or shift the naked curves plastered against his side.
“Seven, baby.” His sleep worn voice croaked. “You at the clinic today?”
Clearly a sucker for punishment, he dropped a soft kiss to her forehead. Lapping up the lazy smile she gave him as his chest squeezed.
“Yeah.” She dropped her head again. “I should get up or I’m going to be late.”
Again, she made no attempt to move. Not that he wanted to, either. In fact, he wanted something else entirely.
Are you freaking serious?
He silently continued to fight a losing battle. He was already fucked. Already ruined. It’s not like he could take anything they’d done back. It was too late.
So, you want to fall further down the rabbit hole? Guarantee your heart isn’t just shattered the next time she leaves you, but burnt to ash as well.
Apparently, he did. Because before he had a chance to overthink it more, he was flipping them both over until he hovered above Bethany. Positioning himself between her legs as he stared down into perfection.
“We’re both gonna be late, B,” he declared.
“We are?” She arched a delicate brow in question.
Instead of answering, he realigned himself until he was resting against her core. One slow drag later and his dick was pressing against that sensitive spot that never failed to make his girl moan.
Your girl?
Shut up.
He ground down. Harder this time. A devilish smile tipping his lips as Bethany mewed. Followed by a sharp curse.
“I can’t be late,” she meekly protested as her head arched into the pillow.
Slowly, he dragged his length again. This time he used his hand to position himself at her entrance. Letting the tip tease her until slick heat soaked his skin. Making him want to groan.
“So, you don’t want to be a good girl and spread those legs for me, baby?” He pressed again.
Her hips were bucking, chasing friction. “Please,” she moaned.
“Please what, NeNe?” He felt his voice scrape as his head dipped and his lips went to hers. “Please take what’s mine?”
“Yes,” she gulped. “Take it. It’s yours. I’m yours.”
Damn fucking right she is.
***
Three days had passed since Bethany had woken up in his bed, and while he was happy that he was no longer being ghosted, he wasn’t exactly thrilled that the next time they were going to see each other was at the Thursday night support group.
Not only did they have an audience, but Benny was also at his most vulnerable.
Hence, the current bouncing of his knee.
“You, okay?” his mom whispered as she leaned into him.
They’d both taken their seats in the circle, tonight’s meeting just minutes away from starting.
“Yeah. All good,” he grunted, eyes returning to the front door.
Lies.
So many lies. He’d been dodging questions all week after his very public kiss with Bethany. Not only from his mom, but the whole damn town.
Catherine clapped, bringing all their attention to the petite older woman. “Who’d like to kick us off today?”
His stomach dropped as all eyes turned in his direction. He didn’t need to look to know his mother’s hand was raised.
Perfect.
“Please, go ahead, Gloria.” Catherine’s soothing tone did nothing to ease his churning insides.
The sudden ring of the shop bell was a welcome distraction as his head snapped up. Bethany. His heartbeat kicked up, and his lips twitched as he watched her make her way toward the circle with all the exaggerated grace of a cartoon burglar. In heels.
Sliding into the empty seat next to Catherine, their eyes locked immediately as she mouthed a shy “Hi.” But she didn’t wait for him to return the greeting, her gaze went straight to his mother as she continued to share.
Benny kept his eyes on Bethany throughout.
Absorbing every emotion that flickered across her pretty face.
She didn’t hide the sadness causing tears to pool.
The pain thickening her swallows. Or the pride making her nostrils flare.
Somehow, just looking at her, made his mother’s words hurt less.
And when her eyes met his again, he knew what he had to do.
***
Two hours later, they were back at Benny’s. But they’d yet to talk.
After the session, Bethany had been pulled over by a few members.
Answering their questions dutifully and handing out her contact information.
Long after he’d said his goodbyes to his mother, she’d still been deep in conversation.
Feeling slightly creepy watching her for so long, he’d given up, shooting off a text for her to meet him back at his house when she was done, before slinking out.
Now, she was here. In his living room, fiddling with the label of the beer bottle she held, submerged in his overly stuffed cream couch.
“I—” Bethany started at the same time as Benny said, “We should—”
Tight smiles tugged on both their lips, but it was Bethany who gestured for him to go first.
Clearing his throat, he did. “I was gonna say we should talk about it. What happened.”
He didn’t elaborate. She knew. They’d both shied away from the subject ever since that first meeting. It was time to change that.
Bethany nodded, taking a swig of her beer before asking the question he knew was coming. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
He didn’t have a good answer. Not really. While he hadn’t planned on telling her, it didn’t mean he never regretted it.
Blowing out a long breath, his hand rubbed the back of his neck.
“I...I knew you’d want to stay, B. And I couldn’t do that to you.
I was already the reason you deferred a year, waiting for me to get my shit together and figure out what I wanted to do with my life.
I just...I couldn’t stand the idea of holding you back any longer. ”
His head may have been fucked at the time, but he still loved her. So fucking much. Enough to put her first. And that’s what he thought he was doing.
Bethany’s head shook. “No.”
“No?” he asked when she didn’t elaborate.
“No. That’s not what we had. That’s not what we were.” His chest squeezed at all the pain she was making no attempt to cover. “We told each other everything, Benny. Everything. Try again.”
What was he supposed to say to that?
Try again, maybe?
Shit. He let his hand scrub over his face. Letting the silence between them grow thicker as his mind raced.
“I was scared.” His voice was as raw as the admission.
It may not be an explanation, but it was the truth.
Bethany’s eyes were on him. Searching. He could practically see her holding her breath as she waited patiently for him to go on. So he did.
“There were so many unknowns. What stage the cancer was. If it had spread. What her treatment options would be.” He felt exposed as she stared into him. “I thought she was going to fucking die.”
While her features softened, the heaviness in the air clung to his lungs.
“I should have told you. You were my person and fuck...I needed you. I did. I know that.” He let out a heavy sigh. “But I just...I was barely surviving. I was on autopilot. Trying my best to get through every day without falling apart.”
“So, us breaking up...me. I was one less thing in your life for you to worry about?” He watched her gaze drop back to the bottle label as her throat bobbed.
“No. Jesus. No, B. No fucking way.” How could she even think that? “Are you seriously trying to tell me you’d have gone off to school after I told you what was going on with my mom?”
He knew the answer. They both did. She didn’t have to say it. Which is why when their eyes met again, he continued.
“I thought I was doing the right thing. Letting you go. Knowing you were doing what you were supposed to be doing...it was the only thing that kept me sane. Made losing you worth it.”