Chapter 12 #2
He ignored me as he brought me to his truck. “Tony, go get the rest of my kids for me, main.”
Tony placed Jahreiah in her car seat, then headed for the playground.
I was sitting in the passenger’s seat, and Jahrein was still in my damn face. “Move, Jahrein, dog. Get the fuck out of my face, dog. For real!” I snapped. He wouldn’t move, so I slapped the dog shit out of his ass. Spit flew from his mouth.
He grabbed both of my wrists. “Stop it, baby.” he pleaded.
“Baby? I was Main and everything else in front of those bitches. Now I’m Baby?”
“Raven, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You need to chill the fuck out!” he barked, all in my face.
“Move, get your bitch ass out of my face!” I pushed him away then climbed out of the truck. “I aint riding nowhere with your dog ass.” I spat as I attempted to walk away.
Jahrein snatched me by my ponytail. “Get your ass in the truck.” he fumed.
I started clawing his face. “Bitch, let me go.”
Tony and Tameka walked over with the rest of my kids. I guess out of embarrassment, Jahrein released my hair. It reminded me so much of the scene that my children had just displayed minutes before that. Was that the environment and example that we’d set for them?
“Why you fighting mommy, Daddy?” Jhyrah asked.
“Daddy was just playing, mama.” Jahrein lied to her. “Come on y’all, get in the truck.”
Jahrein Junior, Jhyrah, and Jahrae all climbed in the truck.
He turned to me. “Get in.”
“No.” I clenched my teeth.
He nodded and turned towards the kids. “Y’all, mommy about to leave us.” he told them.
All the kids’ eyes bucked. “No, mommy. Come on.” Jahrein Junior cried.
“Why would you tell them that?” I asked his stupid ass.
“Because, aint that what you trying to do?” he asked me with a raised brow.
“You’s a dumb muthafucka.” I spat as I hopped back in the truck. Once again he was trying to make me look the like the bad guy, while he remained their hero.
“That’s alright.” he replied as he closed the door for me. “I see you aint going nowhere.”
It was becoming painfully clear that he was becoming far too comfortable.
By the time we made it home I was furious.
I kept imagining myself leaving Jahrein, so that he could drown himself in his own tears.
I wanted to do something. I didn’t like that he was in a place where he was so comfortable.
He thought that every wrong could be righted with one kiss or a new gift.
A couple of years ago, that was truly all I needed to cope but people change. I wanted more. Hell, I deserved more.
Jahrein was still looking at me as that same thirteen year old Raven that gazed at him with goggle eyes, and did everything that he said.
I don’t think he realized that he was dealing with a woman.
I was a young woman, but nonetheless a woman.
And this whole ghetto fabulous life that we were living was taking a toll on me.
I wanted Jahrein to know that the money, the cars, or houses wasn’t the reason that I stuck with him.
I loved him unconditionally, but there were only so many times that he could hurt me.
Eventually, he was going to turn my heart to stone.
“Raven, where is the remote?” Jahrein asked me as I fixed Jahreiah’s bottle in the kitchen. I shrugged my shoulders and kept my back to him.
I hated how he'd spark up meaningless conversations to distract me.
After a few seconds of silence, I realized that he was still standing there, staring at me. I guess that he wanted me to acknowledge him, but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction.
“So, that’s what you’re going to do all day, huh?” he asked. I didn’t answer. “All that pouting you’re doing aint even called for.” He complained, as I moved around in the kitchen as if he wasn’t there. I busied myself with fixing bottles for later and cooking dinner.
“Raven.” He sighed.
I said nothing, as I poured myself a glass of apple juice.
“I know you hear me talking to you!” he shouted, losing his cool.
“Is all that necessary?” I asked him sarcastically.
“Can you look at me?”
I released an exasperated sigh, and lifted my head. “What?” I asked, as I finally gave him eye contact.
“Why are we still going through this?”
“Through what?”
“Every time one of these bitches does something or says something you take it out on me.”
I rolled my eyes to the ceiling, and shook my head before focusing on him again. So, he wanted to play victim, huh? “Jahrein, get the fuck outta here, okay.”
He grimaced. “No, I wanna know.”
I smacked my lips. “You wanna know? Shit, I wanna know a lot of shit too. How about you explain why do I have so many enemies. Why do bitches take issue with me when they don't even know me? Why I got beef with half the hoes in Houston, Jahrein?”
“Naw, it don’t have nothing to do with me. They fuck with you because they know that they can. You don’t see Tameka sweating those hoes.”
“Nigga please! Tameka done cried on my shoulders plenty of nights over Tony. Bitches come for her too. The difference between me and her is that she aint a fighter. The only time she got a mouth is when she got her knife. And that aint here nor there. I bet you if niggas was approaching you over me this would be a different story.”
He waved me off. “Go'on Raven, cause these niggas know better.”
“And why don't these hoes know better?”
He shrugged. “The hell if I know. I aint got no control over them, but you can handle shit better than you do.
Most times shit could be avoided if you told yourself that you was better than that shit.
You think I give a fuck about any of those bitches out here?
You the only broad carrying my last name, and that's how you supposed to carry yourself.
When you get out there fighting, that's like hopping off your throne and fighting the damn peasants. Know your position.”
I scrunched. “Nigga what? Know my position?
You think this shit is about me not knowing where I stand?
Do you really believe that I spend a millisecond worried about these sack chasers?
My problem is that I aint trying to be the muthafuckin champion of the division.
I want to be the only woman in the league.
That's why I'm fed the fuck up. This cheating bullshit you on is the cause of our problems. And no, it aint in my face, but I know what you're doing.
Really, I'm tired, and I aint about to be here too much longer.”
“You tired? So, so what does that mean? Aint nobody cheating.” he claimed stuttering over his words.
I think that he could sense that I was serious.
The nigga loved acting like I was tripping.
Admittedly, it had been a long while since I'd had any proof of him stepping out on me, but I knew better. He'd just become better at hiding it.
“Exactly what I just said. I’m tired. I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”
“So what, you gon leave me? Is that what you’re saying?” he asked growing indignant.
“Yes, Jahrein. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
He quickly shook his head. “You know that I can’t let that happen.”
“So, what are you saying?” I wanted to know as I crossed my arms.
“I’m saying that we made a vow. This is ‘til death do us part. That means that any problems we have will have to be worked out. That’s the only resolution.” He said adamantly.
“But what if I decide that I just can’t do it anymore?”
“That’s not an option.” He stated with finality.
I took a good look at him. He was serious. When and how did he think that he owned me? “You see, that’s why I can’t talk to you. You have it in your mind that I aint going nowhere, but don’t be surprised if you come home one day and I aint here.”
He let out a pissed off chuckle. “So, you would do a nigga like that?” he asked as he stroked his chin. “That would be some cold shit.”
“Just keep testing me.”
He stepped up to me and pulled me in by the waist. “You know that I love you?”
“Sometimes.” I shrugged, trying to avoid eye contact. Sometimes I felt so stupid. A part of me always wanted him to plead his case, and show me how much he loved me. I needed constant reassurance. I was needy as fuck, and I hated it.
“Is that what you really feel?” he asked me as he stared into my eyes.
I sighed. “I know that you love me, Jahrein. But have you heard that sometimes love just aint enough? I want to feel good every day. Not just sometimes. Things with you can be so perfect sometimes, but I’m starting to wonder if the bad outweighs the good.”
“You’ve been reading too many books.” He sniggered. “Aint no relationship perfect. Shit is gonna happen, but at the end of the day I got you. And you got me, right?”
I mumbled. “Yeah, even if it’s killing me softly.”
He frowned. “Killing you softly? You want to get all deep on me, but let me share something with you…I met you in 1998 and from the moment I laid eyes on you I knew that you would be mine. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind and I was willing to do anything to get you and keep you.
I wasn’t going to let any man stand in the way.
I damn near broke my back trying to make sure that you was straight.
If you wanted a soda and I didn’t have no money, I’d go steal one.
If I was broke and you wanted your hair done I had to hustle harder.
If you said that the baby needed some diapers I’d kick in a door if necessary.
I put you and my kids before everything.
I mean everything. There aint nothing that I wouldn’t do for y’all.
I’d kill for you. Shit, I’d die for you.
So, ask yourself if I’d let you leave, without initiating a war. ”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
“Things aint that bad, Raven.” Red claimed, as we sat on her couch.
I don’t know why I continued to seek advice from her. She’d been with my daddy for years and allowed him to do whatever. I knew that she was a laid back type of woman, but damn! Ole pushover ass.
“Red, I am just so tired of him. I know that he’s cheating and he won’t let me do shit.
I can barely go to school.” I complained.
Nobody knew what it was like to be me. Jahrein might as well have been a damn octopus, because I’d never seen a nigga that could do so much at one time.
He hustled, he played in the streets, he took care of his kids, he fucked me, he cheated, and he watched my every damn move.
Red knew that her son was egotistical and controlling, but she always reminded me that he paid the cost to be the boss.
That was her thing. If a man is taking care of home, then you should keep your mouth shut.
That was some bullshit. Why couldn’t I have a man that took care of me, loved me, and was faithful?
Why did I have to choose one or two of the qualities? Didn’t I deserve it all?
Jahrein’s ass acted like my damn daddy. I couldn’t hang out in the hood just cause, and if I did want to I had let him know first. Of course, she wasn’t going to find fault in that.
The lifestyle that Jahrein and my daddy lived afforded her a four bedroom home in Sugarland, Texas, far away from the ghetto.
She knew about all of my daddy’s dirt, but she dealt with it.
Shit, there were two chicks just a few years older than me both claiming to have his children.
I didn’t know what to believe, but I did know that both children were well taken care of.
I saw that with my own two eyes. My daddy had both chicks set up in upscale apartments in which he could drop by anytime he felt like it.
Then he was still fucking Tisha and Raquel’s mama, Roz. I had just recently found this out. Hell, Roz now had a son for him, and Red acted like nothing was going on. Hell, Ray-Ray was everybody’s man.
“Raven, you’re pregnant. What are you trying to do?” she asked me as if there was nothing else that I should’ve wanted to do other than carry her son’s kids.
“Red, you don’t understand. I just want to know what it feels like to do things that don’t involve him or the kids.
I need some freedom. I’m tired of the fighting and arguing.
Our kids don’t need to see that. And I know that he‘s out here fucking around.
So, I‘m left suffering because his no-good ass is insecure.”
“Raven, y’all just moved in a six bedroom home with a four car garage. Do you know how many girls would kill for that?” she asked me.
“Those bitches can have it.” I sighed.
“I think that is the hormones talking.” she laughed.
“Whatever.” I sighed. It seems that no one cared about what I was feeling. I was screaming on the inside. I was drowning and they all just stood by watching. My damn feelings were valid!