Chapter 3
Zoe
Have you ever been in love?
I’m not sure. I mean, how does it feel to be in love? How do you even know if you are?
Yes.
—P
It feels like someone just punched me hard in the middle of my chest and knocked the wind out of me.
I can’t breathe. My heart skips a beat and then starts racing much too fast. I feel the blood draining out of my face.
A cold sweat breaks out on the back of my neck, and my hands begin to shake. No no no.
I knew he was going to be here. I knew it, but I had successfully suppressed the knowledge. Now I realize there’s a big difference between knowing something and actually being confronted with it.
It was over, everything with him and me. I ended it. Because anything else would have been too much.
I left it all behind me. I left him behind because I had to. I didn’t have any other choice. I didn’t see him again after that night. I refused to allow myself to think about him because it hurt. I shut him out.
But now it’s all coming back. The notes, the secrets, the way one short glance from him could make me feel.
Everything inside of me tells me to turn away, lower my head, and pray he didn’t notice me.
But I can’t. I can’t look away, and at this moment, I can see nothing but him.
At the same time, my brain is unable to comprehend him in his entirety.
I blink.
Moss-green eyes under thick brows. Black eyelashes that are much too long.
I blink again.
High cheekbones. Straight nose. A jawline that looks as though it’s been chiseled from stone.
Again.
Lips that are almost too full, smiling knowingly.
He’s incomparable.
He always was, but now somehow he’s even more so.
I feel myself blushing. The blood pounds in my ears, and silver stars are dancing in front of my eyes until I remember how to breathe again.
Breathe, Zoe. Breathe.
Jase walks past me without a glance and sits down in an open seat diagonally in front of me. Skye sits down next to him, and he puts his arm on the back of her seat, leans over, and whispers something in her ear.
My stomach cramps, and I feel sick.
“Wonderful. Thank you very much,” Pearson says sarcastically, reminding me where I am and why.
The theater on campus. Our principal’s welcome speech.
Jase is here, but it doesn’t matter. Not anymore. I force myself to stop looking at the back of his head and focus on the stage.
It doesn’t matter. It’s over. You can’t change the past. You can only move on.
“Now that everyone is here, I’d like to welcome you to a new school year at the New England School of Ballet.
” Pearson spreads his arms in a welcoming gesture and continues, his deep, resonant voice filling the auditorium.
“I give the same speech every year, and some of you probably know my words by heart now, but I don’t think it will hurt you to hear them again.
” Soft laughter spreads through the rows before he continues.
“You’re all here for a specific reason. You love ballet, and you have talent.
But you also have foresight. At many public and private ballet schools, the focus is entirely on dance and preparing the students’ bodies for the stage.
We have the same goal here, and yet we expect much more.
Experience has shown us that only a tiny fraction of all trained ballet dancers ever make it to the professional stage.
” The kind smile that now appears on Pearson’s face takes some of the sting out of his words.
“But the world of dance is so much more than just the stage, and that’s why you’re here.
To prepare yourselves and find out what you were born to do.
You are here to learn. But you should also have fun, make friends, and . . .”
A movement in front of me diverts my attention to a familiar head of blond hair. I can’t help it; it’s like an inner compulsion. I have to look away in order to continue listening, but the rest of Pearson’s speech barely reaches me, as hard as I try to concentrate on his words.
Why did Jase, of all people, have to sit in front of me? Maybe he senses that I’m staring at him because suddenly he turns around, and his eyes meet mine. Direct. Hard. Cold.
My pulse races, and adrenaline shoots through my veins like poison. He stares at me so intensely that for a few seconds, it feels as though we’re totally alone. Everything else blurs, and the sounds around me become undefined white noise.
I can’t interpret the look in his eyes. I’m not sure if it’s anger or indifference or something else entirely. Actually, I don’t even want to know. Because whatever it is, it hurts like hell. My throat suddenly feels constricted. I blink as pressure builds up dangerously behind my eyes.
Don’t cry. There’s no way you’re going to start now, do you understand? There’s absolutely no reason for it!
I fight back the tears and breathe a sigh of relief as Jase turns away again, breaking eye contact as if he were cutting the connection between us.
Except I already did that.
* * *
After Pearson’s speech, which I only caught half of, the whole student body walks into the foyer of the theater.
While Pearson was talking about discipline, passion, heart, and soul, a buffet was being set up there.
They want us to get to know each other. At one of the standing tables, I shift uncomfortably from one foot to the other and try to follow the conversation that Mae is having with two girls who are also new to the school, Kaya and Jessica.
They’re nice, but I can hardly focus on the conversation, no matter how hard I try.
My eyes are glued to Jase again. I can’t manage not to look at him. He’s standing next to Skye at a table on the other side of the room, and he seems so indifferent that I wonder if he’d even be here if it weren’t a mandatory event. Probably not.
It’s ridiculous that it upsets me so much to see him. The last time we saw each other was over a year ago. To react to him like this after everything that happened is totally irrational.
So what? Since when are feelings rational?
I ignore the voice in my head. It has no right to talk. At least not about him.
“Do you want something to drink?” Mae’s question brings me back to reality.
I shake my head. “No, thanks.”
“Okay, I’ll be right back.” She walks off, and it’s only after she disappears toward the bar that I realize that Kaya and Jessica are gone too.
I look for Jase again, but he’s gone.
Relief floods through me. Good. That’s really good.
We go to the same school again, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to keep running into each other. He’s a year ahead of me. At most, we might bump into each other in the corridor.
We don’t have to talk to each other. We can just walk past each other. It’s as simple as that. No big deal.
Taking a deep breath, I smooth back my hair and put any thoughts about Jase to the back of my mind. I reach for the water bottle on the table in front of me, which I haven’t touched yet.
“Hey.” Someone appears next to me, and I flinch so badly that I almost drop the bottle. Because of my frantic movement, water sloshes out the top and leaves a clearly visible wet mark on the tablecloth. I blush. Shit.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you okay?” The voice, which is soft and melodic, sounds worried.
I look up and see a pair of unnerving green eyes that seem strangely familiar. With golden-blond hair that falls down her back in waves, a cute button nose, and finely formed features, the girl looks like a Disney princess. She’s more than just pretty.
“It’s fine, I’m good. It’s only water,” I say.
“All right, then.” She smiles at me. “I’m Lia.”
“Zoe,” I say, wiping my hand inconspicuously on my dress.
“Nice to meet you. You’re one of the new ones.”
It’s an observation, not a question. That’s not surprising. There are only eighty students living on campus altogether. As a newcomer, you can’t hide here. We stand out.
“Right.”
Her smile widens, and that also seems strangely familiar, even though I have no idea why. “Then you can come with me.”
“Where to?” I frown, unable to quell the wave of skepticism I feel.
“Just go with it. We’re getting all the newbies together. But don’t worry, it’s not for sorority hazing or anything like that,” she adds when she notices the apprehensive look on my face. “It’ll be great. I promise.”
She puts a hand on my shoulder and turns me gently but firmly toward the exit, where a small crowd is gradually forming.
I’m too surprised to protest, and I let Lia guide me toward the others.
I spot Mae with Kaya and Jessica. There are two other girls with them. They look older than us, just like Lia.
“Have we got them all?” Lia asks when we reach them.
One of the girls, her dark hair in two thick braids, nods a hello to me. Lia introduces her as Katie.
“Susannah is gathering the last few. Then we can go.”
“You’re really not going to tell us where we’re going?” Mae says, looking curious.
“Then it wouldn’t be a surprise anymore,” Lia replies enigmatically.
“Let’s go,” says an excited voice behind us. We all turn at once to see a girl with hair so pale it’s almost white. Her blue eyes shine just as brightly. Everything about her seems to glow. “I’ve spoken to Pearson too. We’re officially excused.”
Lia nods with satisfaction. “Thanks for sorting that out, Suzie.”
“Sure. Pearson loooves me,” she says so sarcastically that we all have to laugh.
Katie groans. “Oh, stop. It sounds like you have a thing with him. Please tell her not to do that, Lia. Especially in front of the newbies.”
“That’s nonsense. Besides, he’s too old for me anyway,” Susannah says dismissively. “Now get your sweet butts in gear. Follow me!”
Katie looks like she’s about to say something else, but then sighs and shoos us out of the theater.
The sun is now low in the sky, about to set at any minute. Little clouds drift across the darkening sky, the air is clear and fresh, and I shiver in my thin dress. I should have brought a jacket.
Lia and the others lead us back to the dormitory. We walk up the stairs to the fourth floor, past Mae’s room first and then mine, and climb the three steps that lead to the common room.
Four sofas and three armchairs are grouped around a low round table in the spacious room. Light gray curtains hang at the windows, and there are portraits of various dancers on the walls. Between the sofas are little side tables that hold vases of fresh flowers.
Then we step over a wide windowsill onto a roof terrace.
“Wow,” Mae says, her eyes wide. “Amazing.”
I can only nod in agreement as I look around in surprise. Sofas made of wooden pallets with thick, colorful cushions on them have been set up. It’s the perfect place to spend a warm summer evening. A net of fairy lights hangs over the terrace, and lush green ivy twines around the railings.
“Surprise!” Lia says with a wide smile, and all at once I freeze, realizing why her smile is familiar. I remember now where I’ve heard her name before. Or rather, read it.
Jase’s secrets. His notes. His blond hair. His smile. Lia is his older sister.
I don’t know much about her. Actually, I don’t know anything except that she and Jase don’t get along so well, even though they seem to be so similar. Even though they’re both here to dance.
“It’s a tradition that we all meet here on the first evening and get to know each other better, without being watched by Pearson and the other teachers the whole time,” Lia says.
“And because there’s booze,” Susannah adds with a smile, tossing her blond hair over her shoulders.
Lia rolls her eyes. “Strictly speaking, it’s not allowed here at all because most of us aren’t twenty-one yet.
But on the first evening, they turn a blind eye as long as we don’t overdo it.
And as long as the younger ones don’t notice.
” She nods in the direction of the other dorm on the opposite side of the theater, where the high school students live.
“Oh, he shouldn’t make such a fuss about it.
Most of us are much too well-behaved. In the summer, sometimes we put up a screen and have movie nights up here,” Katie says proudly, guiding us toward a group of girls who are already sitting on one of the pallets with their feet up, talking and laughing.
We sit down with them, and even though they each introduce themselves, I forget their names almost immediately.
A group of boys brings cans of beer and a box of wine, and the terrace slowly fills up.
“I’m going to get a sweater,” I whisper to Mae, because it’s not only getting dark, but it’s also quite cool.
“Good idea, me too.” She gets up, and together we weave our way through the crowd and back through the open window in the common room.
We enter the hall just as the door of the last room, the one next to mine, opens. Skye steps out, and I’m just about to greet her when I spot Jase behind her and freeze, rooted to the spot. He leans against the doorframe and doesn’t even look at me.
Great.
The back of my neck prickles uncomfortably, and I feel the urge to turn and run away, but I can’t move.
Either Mae hasn’t noticed the strange atmosphere between us or she’s ignoring it.
She takes a step toward Jase and Skye and gives them a friendly smile.
“Hi, I’m Mae. Looks like we’re neighbors.
My room is right over there, and Zoe’s is next to yours. ”
“Hi, nice to—Hey Jase, wait a sec!” Skye laughs in confusion as Jase pushes past her and disappears without a word. Skye gives us an apologetic shrug and follows him.
“What was that about?” Mae asks indignantly, staring after them in disbelief.
I answer before I can stop myself. “That was Jase.”
And he obviously lives right next door to me.
Shit.