Chapter 16
Zoe
I know it sounds totally cheesy and cliché, but someday I want to dance with someone on a dark street at night when it’s raining. I want a moment when everything is the way it should be. Without doubt, without thoughts, without yesterday or tomorrow.
—P
This lesson with Jase is even worse than the last, and it’s no surprise why. Charlotte is here, and every move she makes is absolutely perfect. Flowing and bold. Magical.
She’s looking at me; I can feel it. She watches my body and analyzes every step, every movement of my arms, and every angle of my torso. She’s studying me intensely, and her thoughts are so loud she doesn’t even have to speak for them to reach me.
You are so bad. You don’t deserve to be Jase’s partner. I should be his partner. You’re a liar.
I can’t concentrate; it’s even worse than last week. She has to stop looking at me, and Jase has to stop touching me. They should both just leave me alone.
When Francesca finally ends the lesson, I get the feeling we’ve barely begun, and I’m already on the verge of losing it.
I slip out of Jase’s hands before Francesca has even finished what she’s saying and hurry over to my bag.
I quickly take off my ballet slippers, stuff them carelessly inside, and pull on my sweatpants and hoodie.
I’m freezing cold, but I’m sweating, and the soft fabric sticks to my damp skin.
I have to take a shower. I hate that I feel like this, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
With touch comes shame. The feeling of being dirty.
I have to get rid of it right now because anything else is unbearable.
Normally, I wait for Mae after every class, or she waits for me, but today I can’t wait.
Charlotte is here, and I have to leave before she catches me.
I just need a few minutes to pull myself together, because otherwise I’ll fall apart again.
But I’m not fast enough. I’m not even out the door when she catches up with me.
“Zoe, sweetie, wait for me. We have to talk about something.” She takes my arm like it’s the most natural thing in the world. I flinch. My whole body objects to her touch. My heart skips a beat and then restarts far too frantically.
I want to pull away from her, but she’s clamped onto my arm like a vice. I can’t get away from her, and the skin on the back of my neck begins to crawl. “Actually, I don’t have time. I still have to—”
“But you have a few minutes for me, don’t you?
” she says, interrupting me. Her tone is sugar sweet, just like her smile, but there’s a silent warning in her pale blue eyes, and I realize now that things have changed.
Charlotte isn’t pretending to be my friend anymore.
On the one hand, I’m relieved, and on the other, it scares the shit out of me.
I’m about to tell her that I don’t even have a few minutes for her, but someone beats me to it.
“She doesn’t. We still have something to sort out.” Jase strides toward us, hands shoved into the pockets of his sweats. He put on a hoodie over his T-shirt, and his hair is sticking up in all directions. The color of his eyes is so intense that it must be possible to see it from across the room.
It’s unfair that he looks so good. And there must be something wrong with me for noticing it again at this very moment, while Charlotte is grabbing me and my pulse is shooting into a range that can’t be healthy.
I can feel it in my whole body, right down to my fingertips.
My head is spinning, and I can’t think properly.
All I know is that Charlotte has to let me go and I’ve got to leave.
I’m about to freak out, and she notices.
I can see it in her eyes, and I hate her even more for it.
“We need to talk,” Jase says when I don’t answer. He nods in the direction of the corridor. He doesn’t dignify Charlotte with a glance, and that sets off a warm tingling sensation in my stomach. It’s gratitude for rescuing me from Charlotte.
“Then go ahead and talk,” Charlotte says before I can even open my mouth.
Jase gives her a razor-sharp smile. “Then get lost.”
She gasps indignantly. I almost burst into hysterical giggles. Jesus, it really can’t go on like this.
“You know, Zoe and I have a lot to talk about; we haven’t seen each other for a long time. If you want to talk to her alone, why don’t you do it later?”
“I don’t care how much you have to talk about. Since you haven’t seen each other in so long, a few minutes won’t matter. Now go away, Charlotte. Don’t you have to shoot some TikToks?” Jase takes my upper arm and tugs me away from her.
He’s too fast and she’s too slow. She doesn’t have time to react, and I don’t react at all. I feel like a doll that two kids are fighting over. But if I’m honest, I’m almost okay with it because Jase is rescuing me, even if he doesn’t know it. I’m sure it’s not his intention.
Charlotte has gone white with anger, but her smile doesn’t slip an inch.
Maybe that’s because we’re not alone in the studio.
Everyone else is still here, and Charlotte can’t just drop the nice-girl mask.
She opens her mouth, but Jase is faster again.
He pulls me out of the room without waiting for her to answer, and I just let it happen.
We walk into the corridor, and Jase immediately lets go of me.
He glances at me, and his jaw clenches, just briefly, but it’s enough to let me know that he wants to say something.
But then he doesn’t. He’s silent, and I’m grateful for the stillness because at least it gives me a few moments to pull myself together.
Deep breath. My heart finally slows to a more normal rhythm.
The panic fades, and I should be happy about that, but I know it will be back.
This is just a short respite because my body can’t keep it up any longer.
We leave the building, and the sky is an intense blue, the sun shining brightly. A breeze tugs at my hair, pulling individual strands out of my bun so they blow in my face.
“What did you want to talk about?” I ask as soon as I’m sure my voice will come out sounding reasonably calm and not like I’m going to burst into tears at any moment.
“We’re crap. We’re pretty much the worst pair in the whole class.”
His words hit me where it hurts, even though I know he’s only telling the truth.
“Thanks, I hadn’t noticed,” I say. Now my voice breaks, and I realize that I sound extremely weak.
“We should try to change that. I think it would be a good idea if we get together in our free time and practice the choreography so we don’t fall even further behind. You have a problem, and it looks like you need all the help you can get.”
I smile, bewildered. He’s right, but Jase is the last person who can help me. And he’s also the last person who wants to. At least, that’s what I believed until now. It makes no sense that he wants to help me, not after I pushed him away last year.
“You want to help me?”
“Do you see anyone else here?” His voice is sarcastic. He rolls his eyes and looks like he wishes he had kept his mouth shut.
“Why? Why would you, of all people, want to help me?” I think that’s a fair question, but he seems to see it a little differently.
“Maybe because I’m generous,” Jase replies with a shrug.
“Yes, maybe. But that’s not the truth, and we both know it.”
Jase stops. His expression of apathy has changed to one of irritation. There’s a deep crease between his eyebrows. “Let’s just say this course is important to me.”
“Why?” I can’t help it; I have to know.
He groans. “Like you care.”
“But I do,” I say honestly.
“Oh, fuck.” He tugs at his hair. “If you really want to know, I’m trying to get a scholarship, and my performance in this course plays an important role in it. Are you happy?”
I immediately have a thousand questions—mostly, why? Jase is the last person who needs a scholarship. His parents are rich. So why on earth would he apply for one?
“Then why didn’t you trade partners?” I ask for the second time in a few hours. If he’s trying to get a scholarship, I understand even less why he wouldn’t want Charlotte as a partner.
“I already told you that. Because Charlotte is Charlotte,” he growls.
“So what’s your answer? Yes or no? It’s your call, Pixie.
” His voice softens as he says my nickname.
He probably doesn’t even realize he’s doing it.
But I can hear it, and a warm feeling spreads through me, because he sounds just like he used to.
I hesitate. More practice means more touching. More touching means more panic. But above all, it means more Jase. I don’t know if I can do that—spend more time with him, let him get close to me. Get closer to him again. But I don’t really have a choice, do I?
Not unless I want to lose my place here because I’m incapable of solving my problems. I take a step back and look at him.
His gaze is unfathomable, his eyes burning into mine, and suddenly I find it hard to breathe.
I wish I could read his mind. My skin starts to tingle again, but this time it’s not panic. It’s just the way he looks at me.
Yes or no? It’s your call, Pixie.
I make up my mind. “Yes.”
Before
Jase
One year earlier
June 25, 6:32 PM
“Come on, Caleb; it’s about time. This is your night! You’re not seriously going to college holding on to the V-card, are you?” Nick throws one of the sofa pillows at him, but Caleb wasn’t quarterback at Westview High for nothing. He neatly catches the offending object and spikes it back hard.
“Shut up, Nick.”
But Nick doesn’t shut up. He never does. “I’ve got a feeling tonight’s your night. Don’t argue with me. Adaline has had the hots for you for ages. She’s spending the summer in Europe and then going to college in Rhode Island. It’s your last chance!”
Caleb looks like he needs help. His cheeks are bright red.
“Nick, leave him alone. He can decide for himself.” I toss my own pillow and hit Nick in the head, but I’m not really focused on what I’m doing.
I’ve mulled over the conversation with my parents a thousand times, even though it’s the last thing I want to think about.
Especially today. This should be a good day.
After all, I’m graduating. So far, though, it sucks.
Nick swears, and Reed and Tristan turn away from the TV for the first time in an hour and laugh at him before concentrating on the screen again. They’re playing some game; I don’t know exactly what it is. I’ve never been into gaming.
“Yeah, sure.” Nick rolls his eyes but isn’t ready to give up. “Do you really want to go to college as an eighteen-year-old virgin? Even our little dancer here got himself laid.” He grins at me, and I grit my teeth.
Yeah, the dancer got himself laid and wishes he hadn’t.
Nick’s actually a good guy, and he’s smart, but unfortunately, he’s about as sensitive as a block of wood. He’s never able to read the room or figure out when he should just shut up.
“That’s enough, Nicky.” Reed punches Nick’s shoulder without looking, and Nick, perched on the back of the sofa, falls over backward with a shout of protest.
“Fuck you, Reed.”
“No, thanks. Tammy will probably take care of that today.” Reed grins, and his smile gets wider as Tristan groans and drops the game controller onto the coffee table.
“Tammy desperately needs better taste.” The contemptuous voice makes us all jump at the same time.
Zoe is leaning in the doorframe, her ankles crossed casually, a white garment bag hanging over her arm.
I can’t help staring at her long legs and tight shorts.
Her skin has taken on a golden glow in the last few weeks.
I want to reach out and touch her. It’s not the first time I’ve wondered if her skin is as soft as it looks and how her slender muscles would feel under my fingers.
My mouth goes dry, and my cheeks turn hot. Fuck. Not good. Not good at all.
“Tammy’s taste is excellent.” Reed gets up and pushes past Zoe, probably to go to the bathroom.
As he passes her, he musses her red hair, and somehow it bothers me that it’s so easy for him to touch her.
For all of them. I’m the only one who doesn’t manage to greet her with a hug, mostly because my body goes crazy every time I do.
I know why it’s happening. It’s because of her secrets. The way she gazes at me with those hazel eyes. And her smile. That smile that makes me forget that she’s my best friend’s little sister and that what I feel for her is wrong, because I don’t talk to Caleb about it.
“Sometimes I forget why I like you. Leave my hair alone,” Zoe retorts, giving Reed a dirty look.
I repress the urge to add that he should leave her alone completely.
Reed just laughs and then leaves.
Zoe glances at Caleb and, for a second, at me too. “I just wanted to say that I’m going now. I’m getting ready at Charlotte’s place. See you later.”
“Sure. We’re probably coming around nine. I guess.” Caleb gets up and gives Zoe a hug. “Drive carefully.”
She rolls her eyes. “I always do. Besides, it’s only ten minutes away. See you.” She waves to Nick and Tristan, and then her gaze lands on me again. Longer this time. Until her eyes shift to the big window that looks out directly into the garden. To the treehouse. I know what that means.
She left a new note.
My heart skips a beat as Zoe bites her lower lip and blushes.
“Okay, see you.”
Why does she suddenly sound so breathless?
She turns on her heel before I can say anything.
I wait fifteen minutes—the longest quarter of an hour I’ve ever experienced—before I sneak out of the living room, through the kitchen, and out the back door. My friends are busy with their game and don’t notice what I’m doing. My whole body tingles with excitement as I climb the ladder.
Since the night our game began, we’ve been hiding our secrets up here.
This evening, she left one for me. The note is easy to find, there on the blankets, and my fingers tremble as I unfold it.
I have no idea what I expect, but it’s definitely not the words that I see written there in her tidy handwriting.
Kiss me tonight.
—P