Chapter 21
Zoe
Do you know that feeling when you feel nothing and everything at the same time? I’m a mess at the moment, and I have no idea why or what I can do about it.
—P
I’m such an idiot. How did I ever think it would be a good idea to try to talk to Jase? Because things went reasonably well between us one time? Because I didn’t panic the last time he touched me? Because I feel guilty? That’s so stupid.
I know that I screwed up, and so did Caleb. Jase is right to be angry, but if he can’t even give me the chance to talk about it . . . I guess there’s nothing I can do about it.
Maybe his reaction was a sign that I shouldn’t tell him anything.
The thought of telling him the truth was crazy anyway.
What did I imagine would happen? Why should he even have to know?
Whatever happened between us is in the past, and telling him what happened on that terrible night isn’t going to help us get it back.
Worst-case scenario, he’ll pity me, and that’s the last thing I want.
“Why are you so pissed off?” Mae’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts.
We’re on the way to the theater, just like on our first day.
Mr. Pearson has summoned the entire student body, but we still don’t know why.
The older students are acting like they have an idea, but they’re keeping their mouths shut.
“I’m not pissed off,” I lie, but Mae just snorts.
“Sure. Of course you aren’t. There’s such an aura of anger around you that I can almost see it. Even your walk sounds pissed off.”
I automatically adjust my steps, realizing she’s right. “Oh, it’s just . . . Jase is acting like a jerk.” The answer sounds so childish that I’m embarrassed. Jeez, I really need to get a grip.
“Okay, somehow that doesn’t surprise me.”
“Doesn’t surprise me either,” I say, which is a big fat lie.
“I thought the extra practice went well.” She looks at me doubtfully.
“It did, at least the one time that we did it. But afterward, he avoided me, and now he won’t talk to me anymore. It’s really frustrating.” I grimace, thinking about what an idiot I am.
I told Mae about the extra practice, but not that it consisted of Jase holding my hand rather than doing the actual exercises.
We enter the New England Theater and follow the other students into the auditorium.
“Maybe it went too well.”
I lose my train of thought for a moment as the beauty of the theater almost overwhelms me again, the sight of the stage filling me with yearning. Then I register what Mae said.
“What do you mean?”
“Well . . . I don’t know, maybe he still likes you, and the closeness is too much for him . . .” She stops and shakes her head with a soft laugh. “Oh, don’t listen to me. I’m a hopeless romantic. I read too much.”
I have to laugh in spite of everything. “I’m pretty sure that’s not the reason.”
“It would be nice if it was, though.” Mae sighs theatrically, then grins at me. “But hey, at least you don’t seem angry anymore.”
I smile wanly. “At least there’s that.”
We sit down in two empty seats next to Katie and Susannah, and I have to stop myself from looking around for Jase. We’d be in our next practice session right now if Pearson hadn’t called us in, and I’m secretly relieved that it was canceled. I have to sort out this mess in my head first.
I’ve been too busy with Jase in the last few weeks. I should concentrate on myself and my own problems. I already have enough on my plate without having Jase in my head all the time.
Our dancing is awful. I still panic when he touches me in class. If I don’t get it under control, I can forget my dream of being on stage, and then everything will be for nothing.
I just want to be normal again, to have a normal life.
I look up as Principal Pearson steps onto the stage, smiling just like he was on our first day almost three weeks ago. Three weeks. It feels like a lot more time has passed since I’ve been here.
“Thanks for coming,” he says, his gaze wandering around the audience, as though he’s counting to see if all eighty students are really here.
“Most of you already know that the seniors get a chance to shine on this stage every winter.” He makes a sweeping gesture that includes all of us.
If everything goes well, I’ll be on this stage in three years’ time. I want it so much that it hurts.
“Of course, the senior class has a special role to play in this performance, but it’s still important for you all to be involved.
You’re here to learn and surpass yourselves, yes.
But there’s much more to it than that. You’re a team, a family, as long as you’re at this school together.
That’s why you will each be given a job.
Some of you will help with preparations.
An event like this requires not only dancers but also costumes and stage sets.
I know, I know,” he says, interrupting himself as a soft murmur is audible in the room.
“You’re not here to paint and sew, but you will be part of this performance, and I want you to make an effort.
I want you to be proud of what you have achieved when the ballet we’ve chosen for this year is performed.
Mr. Conrad will divide you into groups and give you your assignments. Any questions before we continue?”
“Which ballet will it be this year?” a girl in the next row asks.
Mr. Pearson smiles. “The Sleeping Beauty.”
My heart accelerates. I’ve always loved that ballet. It’s been ages since the last time it was performed in Boston. Of course, not counting last year’s performance at my old ballet school, when Charlotte stole the part of Aurora from me.
A quiet murmuring spreads through the room, and you can literally see the excitement leap from one person to the next.
“If you have no other questions, I’ll hand you over to Mr. Conrad now,” Pearson says as Conrad comes on stage. But I can barely focus on who he is assigning to each task.
All I can think about is the performance.
It hurts a little to know that I won’t be on stage dancing.
But at the same time, I’m looking forward to helping to prepare the show and then watching it without being envious, without fighting back tears.
I want this performance of The Sleeping Beauty to erase the last one from my memory.
Then Mr. Conrad assigns me to the group for set design. With Mae, Skye, a few others . . . and Jase and Charlotte. This can’t be real.
* * *
Francesca is helping us with the set, and Mae being in my group is the only positive part of the whole thing. Seeing Jase and Charlotte in class every day is more than enough for me without spending time with them on weekends too.
“We meet on Saturdays from eleven to two,” Francesca announces, and a tortured groan goes around the room. “Don’t be like that. You’ve got plenty of time to sleep in. We’ll start tomorrow, and I expect you to be on time. Do you understand?”
Everyone nods. She dismisses us, and we make our way back to the dorm. Mae is talking to Katie and Susannah, but my mind is somewhere else. It’s only when we’re standing in front of our rooms and I fish for the key in my jacket pocket that I realize it’s not there.
“Shit,” I say. That’s all I need.
“What’s wrong?” Mae pauses in the doorway to her room.
“The key must have fallen out of my pocket. Probably in the theater.”
“That’s annoying.”
“I’m going back to look for it. I’ll meet you later for dinner, okay?”
“No worries, I’ll come with you,” Mae offers, but I decline.
“Thanks, that’s really nice, but you don’t need to.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yup. See you later.”
There’s no one in the theater but me when I arrive.
Everything seems deserted, and an excited tingle goes through me because it feels so different to be here alone.
Fortunately, the door to the auditorium is still open, so I don’t have to ask anyone to let me in.
My key is probably under the seat I was sitting in.
Once I have it, maybe I can sneak onto the stage . . .
I stop abruptly when I hear familiar voices.
I recognize them immediately. Jase. And Charlotte.
My feet stop moving of their own accord.
I dart into the auditorium and stop right next to the door when I spot them.
They’re just a few yards away from me, so focused on one another that they don’t even notice I’m there.
I should go, I know, but then I hear my name, and my heart suddenly starts beating fast.
“We both know that Zoe is a total catastrophe,” Charlotte says, in her simultaneously condescending and sickly sweet voice. It sends an unpleasant shiver down my spine.
“So what? What does that have to do with me?”
“You’re in another league, and we both know that.”
I gasp indignantly and curse myself the next second, but they don’t seem to have noticed.
“Stop wasting my time. Get to the point. What does that have to do with me?” Jase growls.
“I want you to talk to Francesca. You should be my partner. You were always the best. We belong together.”
The corners of Jase’s mouth twitch with amusement, and he crosses his arms over his chest. “Do we? You seem to be doing fine with Devon.”
“So what?” Charlotte shrugs, and I start to feel angry. She’s trying to steal my dance partner, and all at once, it doesn’t matter how things are between Jase and me. If she gets away with this, I’ll have to dance with Devon, and I can’t do that.
“I don’t like you, and you know it. And I guess you’re not my biggest fan either. So why would I want to do that?”
She lifts her hand, strokes his shoulder, and smiles, and something inside me reacts with a furious stab of jealousy. “You don’t have to like me. We can be great together in all kinds of ways without you liking me.”
I clench my teeth. I’m about to explode, but I force myself to remain calm.
Jase takes a demonstrative step away from her, and Charlotte’s hand slips off his shoulder. “I’ll repeat myself. Why would I want to do that?” He sounds bored, but his shoulders are tense, and he looks annoyed.
Charlotte sighs. “Okay, fine. If that’s how you want to play the game, that’s all right by me.
I know your parents refused to pay your tuition.
I also know you need a scholarship. But those are only given out at the beginning of a new semester.
Which brings us to the question of how you’re going to finance this semester.
And no, I’m not expecting an answer, because I already know.
You’re not. You have no money, Jase. You’re broke.
And you can’t get a credit card because your daddy very carefully blocked all your options. ”
I wait for him to deny it, because it can’t be that bad, can it?
His parents won’t pay his tuition, but he must be able to get a loan.
He’s Jase Winslow, and half the city knows his family.
But Jase doesn’t say a word. His teeth are grinding, and the look of annoyance on his face transforms into murderous fury.
“And that brings us to the offer that I can make you,” Charlotte says, casually tossing her shiny black hair over her shoulders.
“My parents will pay your fees for this semester. Plus, my mother can help you get a scholarship. She knows a few people on the board and can put in a good word. The only thing you have to do is be my partner. That’s all. ”
I make my presence known by clearing my throat before Jase can answer. I don’t want to hear what he’s going to say. If he really wants to trade partners, I’m screwed.
Charlotte and Jase both turn in my direction. Charlotte’s eyes flash with anger, but Jase looks almost amused.
“Where were you?” I ask him, ignoring Charlotte as much as I can. “We had an appointment, remember?”
He shakes his head and gives Charlotte a regretful smile, which I don’t buy for a second. “Sorry, I have to go.”
Her smile is just as fake. “Think about it. My offer stands.”
Jase doesn’t answer. I find my key, and together we leave the auditorium, then the theater building.
“Eavesdropping is rude,” he says once we’re outside.
I repress the excuse that’s on the tip of my tongue, because he’s right. But I’m not sorry. So I shrug. We enter the practice studios and silently climb the stairs to the little studio under the roof, not saying a word.
This time, I’m the one to break the ice between us. “Are you thinking about accepting Charlotte’s offer?” I ask. I have to know. I hope his answer will be no. But I can’t be sure.