Chapter 24
Jase
The whole last year of my life felt like someone pressed the pause button. Somehow everything kept on going, but it didn’t feel like my life. Not the way it was supposed to be after graduating. Because suddenly everything was different, but in the wrong way.
—Jase
I should have left as soon as I heard someone come into the theater.
Those are the rules. As soon as someone wants to use the stage, no one else has any business being here.
Anyone who comes and realizes that someone is already there leaves, and anyone who has finished packs up their things and gets out as quickly as possible.
Sneaking into the theater at night and dancing isn’t a group thing.
Everyone who comes does it for themselves, to have the chance to dance the lead role for once in their lives.
It doesn’t matter that there’s no audience.
It’s just about being on that stage and being free to do what we were all born for.
My time has been up for a while now, since I jumped off the stage and sat down in one of the back rows, killing time to avoid going back to my room. My room, which is right next to Zoe’s. I stayed here to stop myself from doing something stupid.
But as it turns out, it was just as stupid to stay. Because it’s not just anyone sneaking into the theater tonight. It’s Zoe.
Of course it is. Who else would I expect? She’s everywhere, and I can’t escape her. How can I, when we see each other three times a week at pas de deux class and meet on other days to get her panic under control?
It’s gotten better, much better, even if the pas de deux still doesn’t work the way it should.
We’re still ridiculously far behind the others, but we’re making progress.
Especially when we’re not dancing, and that’s a problem because my idiotic brain turns off completely whenever she puts her hands in mine or leans against me.
All I can do is feel, and there’s far too much soft, warm skin, too much heat, and too much Zoe.
My damn body is getting me in trouble, because every time she touches me, it forgets what happened, and the last thing I want is to let Zoe get close to me again.
But somewhere deep inside, I know that it’s too late.
I’m already writing notes again. Notes that I actually give to her, not just hide for her like I did all of last year.
I’m telling her my secrets even though I don’t really want to.
But I can’t stop. I started, and now I’m lost. Completely and irrevocably.
If I fall again, this time there will only be the abyss below me. No safety net. Only a bottomless pit.
I’ve been standing at the edge for a long time now, but tonight there are only a few inches left as Zoe steps onto the stage and begins to dance to music that I can’t hear.
It’s pitch dark in the theater, but I’ve been sitting here long enough that my eyes have adapted to the darkness, and I can see every one of her movements. I see her.
Zoe has always had her own special way of dancing.
Every movement is perfect, her muscles taut with flexibility and grace.
You can tell that Zoe loves ballet because she feels it.
Everything. The music, the pain, the tension in every muscle.
She makes it look easy. We all do, but somehow there’s a special aura around her. Or maybe I’m the only one who sees it.
Either way, I know I’m screwed as I watch her dance when I should be leaving.
I stay where I am until she finally sinks down into a deep révérence.
I can’t see her smile, but I can feel it, and the muscle in my chest twitches, and my legs act of their own accord.
I stand up and go to the stage, not thinking about what a stupid idea it is. I just do it.