Chapter 30
Zoe
I think you only realize how much you’ve taken something for granted when you lose it.
When I suddenly couldn’t stand to be touched anymore, not even hugs, it was like not knowing who I was anymore.
I’ve always needed hugs, and then all at once, I couldn’t stand them.
I think that was almost the worst part of it.
—Zoe
It’s strange how torn you can feel all of a sudden. I mean, how can you be relieved and a little happy and totally disappointed and very sad all at once? I have no clue. But if anyone can explain it to me, I’d like to know.
I’m relieved and happy because I had sex with Jase and it was so good, so right.
My body didn’t rebel against me. I felt safe and strong with him.
I felt like I was in control. And I didn’t just feel that way; I was in control.
I had control over him and myself and what we were doing.
That made me happy. Really, truly happy.
Because I finally felt more like myself again that way. At least a little.
Still, it hurts because Jase is right. I rejected him, and I can’t demand that he pretend nothing happened without giving him an explanation. He deserves that much, especially after everything he went through.
Shit, his parents kicked him out on his last day of school.
Just because he didn’t want to go to Harvard.
I knew that his parents weren’t happy he was dancing, but I never thought it was that extreme.
How could they kick out their own son just because he has a dream and wants to fight for it? I don’t understand.
I don’t understand anything. My mind races.
Where did he go last summer? Who helped him?
Someone must have. The thought that he had nowhere to go before he could move into the dorm hurts too.
It’s not a piercing pain but a terrible burning.
Because I know we could have helped him then. Mom, Dad, Caleb, and I.
God, we let him down. I let him down. He trusted me, and I pushed him away. Right now, it doesn’t matter that I couldn’t help because I was too broken and devastated myself.
And somehow, I still am, but now I know he is too, and I understand why he wanted me to leave.
He doesn’t trust me anymore. He’s protecting himself like I protected myself last year.
History is repeating itself in a completely twisted way.
Right now, I feel like the ball is in my court, because I don’t want our story to be over.
Not like this. We can’t jump straight from the beginning to the end.
There’s too much missing in between. I don’t want it to be that way. I want all of it, and I want him.
* * *
I was awake half the night, but still, I’m not that tired when my alarm goes off the next morning. I’m too nervous. It’s Monday, and that means Jase can’t avoid me. We have to dance together, and after that, we have to talk. I don’t know what I’m going to say to him yet, but I have to do something.
Lost in thought, I get ready, and because I’ve been a terrible friend in the last few days, I knock on Mae’s door to pick her up for breakfast and ask how her date with Tristan went.
She greets me with a beaming smile. “Good morning, Zoe,” she says, her eyes glowing. She grabs my wrist and pulls me into her room. Her fingers on my skin are warm, but the brief touch isn’t unpleasant. “Come in; I’m running late.”
“And you’re in a great mood,” I say, smirking.
“I am.” Grinning, she does a pirouette. Her red hair flies around her face. She pauses in front of the dresser across from the bed and looks in the mirror that’s hanging over it. “Damn, I look awful.”
I snort. “In which universe?”
“This one.” She reaches for her brush and begins to smooth back her hair. She looks at me curiously in the mirror. “How can your hair always look so tidy?”
“Perfectionism,” I remind her, and look around her room. There’s a pile of leotards and tights next to her bed, and there are countless barrettes and all kinds of makeup lying on her dresser. I can’t even begin to figure out the chaos on her desk.
Mae sighs. “Yeah, somehow I’ll never be able to do that.”
I sit down on her desk chair. “You don’t have to. How was your date?”
This time, she sighs happily. “Wonderful. We were at the planetarium. It sounds a bit silly, but Tristan is really great. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have only come back this morning.”
“What?” My voice shoots up two octaves. “You spent two nights with him?”
She spins around, a wide smile on her face. “I did, and God, football players are good in bed. You know, he did this thing, and I—”
“Mae, I care about you, but I’ve known Tristan for twelve years,” I say, interrupting her. “It’s like hearing sex stories about my brother, and that’s a no-go. Tell me everything, but leave out the gory details, okay?” I make a face at her, and she shrugs and laughs.
“Okay, fair enough. But I can tell you that he has amaaaaazing stamina, can’t I?”
I nod and can’t help but smile. “You may.”
“Thank you.” She grins and then sighs longingly. “It was so good with him. Not just the sex, but everything.”
“So are the two of you an item?”
“We haven’t talked about it yet, but I think so . . . Oh, Zoe, he’s so sweet and kind, and I think I’m really falling for him.” She blushes, and I squeal with delight as I jump up and hug her.
“That makes me so happy. Honestly, Mae, I think it’s perfect. You two are good together.”
She regards me skeptically for a second. “Really? You don’t feel weird about me being with a friend of your brother’s?”
I shake my head firmly and hug her a little tighter before letting her go again. “No, not at all. I think it’s very, very nice. Tristan is one of the good guys, and you’re my best friend. That’s just lovely.”
She breathes a sigh of relief. “Okay, good. That makes me feel better.”
“Does he make you happy?”
“Yes.”
“Then I’m satisfied.”
She smiles broadly. “Me too. And how was your weekend?” She turns back to the mirror and concentrates on her makeup. Unfortunately, she can still see me blushing. She looks at me with narrowed eyes as she applies her foundation.
“Zoe? How was your weekend?” she repeats her question, this time more emphatically, with a teasing undertone in her voice.
I’d like to lie, but I don’t think that would help. Not when she looks at me like that. Embarrassed, I start to bite my nails. “That’s a really good question,” I say.
“I know. And I want an answer.” Eyebrow pencil in her hand, she turns to me again.
“You’ll get one. Just not today.”
She makes a disappointed face. “Why not?”
“Because . . . it’s all kind of complicated.”
“It would be too easy if it weren’t complicated, wouldn’t it?”
“Probably.” I rub my forehead in frustration and stare at my hands.
“Hey, Zoe.” Mae’s voice softens, and I look up. “It’s going to be all right, okay? Whatever’s going on between you and Jase, you’ll work it out.”
I bite my lower lip uncertainly, and then I realize why I went to see Mae this morning, as much as I don’t want to admit it. It wasn’t because I wanted to be a good friend but because I needed a friend.
“I hope so,” I say quietly.
“I’m sure of it.” Mae puts her makeup aside and grabs my hand. “Now come on, we’ve got to go or we’ll be late.”
* * *
Somehow, I manage to get through my first few classes without freaking out.
I mainly have Mae to thank for that. In every moment that we’re not concentrating on ballet, she helpfully distracts me with details about her weekend with Tristan.
Even if part of me really doesn’t want to hear the gory details, another part is happy that Mae ignored my complaint about it this morning.
But in the end, no distraction in the world does me any good. After all, the pas de deux class won’t be canceled just because Jase and I have a problem.
Mae’s voice fades into the background as we enter the studio, and my eyes dart around the room looking for Jase. He’s not here, and my stomach cramps. He wouldn’t skip class just to avoid me, would he? The room fills up, Francesca tells us to sit down, and Jase still hasn’t shown up.
Feeling a little lost, I stand a few steps apart from the others and don’t know where to go.
“Zoe, where’s Jase?” Francesca raises her eyebrows. Yes, where is he? I’d like to be able to give her an answer, but I have no idea. I can’t exactly tell her that he’s probably trying to avoid me right now.
“I’m here. Sorry. Pearson called me to his office.”
I feel a flood of relief when I hear Jase’s familiar, slightly breathless voice.
I turn around just in time to see him pull his sweater over his head.
His T-shirt rides up at the same time, showing off his sculpted abs.
My heart skips a beat again, and the blood goes to my face. Great. Absolutely super.
“All right,” Francesca says with a nod, without questioning Jase’s excuse. “Then please go to your partner. We have a lot to do today.”
Jase nods, but I see his jaw tense. He hasn’t looked at me yet, even though I’ve been staring at him since he entered the room. I can’t stop, either, when he finally comes over to me. Not that it surprises me now, but still . . .
Look at me, I plead silently, and finally, he turns in my direction, and his green eyes focus on me.
Have they always been this green? Probably.
His gaze is darker, more withdrawn, and at the same time, I can read him a lot better than I could a few days ago.
After all, he’s told me a lot of secrets, while I’m still keeping mine to myself.
“Hey,” I say quietly, cursing myself at the same time for not coming up with anything better. Also because my voice sounds like this. Just as breathless as his just did, even though I didn’t just run across half of campus twice because the principal wanted to talk to me.