Chapter 33
Zoe
I have no idea why I panicked the first time we danced together. I really don’t understand it. And I understand even less why it’s gone now.
—Zoe
A merciless beeping sound tears me out of my sleep. I grunt and fumble for my phone, and I’m startled that my fingers don’t hit the wood of my bedside table, but a firm, warm body next to me.
Jase.
He grumbles softly, a deep sound that comes from his chest. Blinking, he opens his eyes. His gaze is unfocused, his lashes a little sticky.
The alarm continues to ring, but I’m frozen in motion. Jase looks younger, so sleepy, with messier hair than usual. He smiles lazily. He’s not quite awake yet, even though my phone is right next to his head, and the sound is truly awful.
Oh man, this isn’t good. Except that somehow, it feels like it is.
“Hi, Pixie,” Jase murmurs. His vision focuses on me at the same moment the alarm stops. We have three minutes before the snooze function kicks in again.
“Good morning.” My voice sounds just as sleepy as his. “How did you sleep?”
Yawning, he rubs his eyes. “Like a rock.”
I smile. “Sounds good.”
“It was.” Under the quilt, his hand wanders from my waist to my back.
Gentle pressure. A question and an invitation at the same time.
I move closer to him, his hand slides up my spine, and I snuggle up to him.
My eyes close again all by themselves. Three minutes before the alarm rings again.
That’s a hundred and eighty seconds we still have next to each other in bed.
My body feels warm and heavy as Jase caresses me, and my breathing deepens.
If he keeps this up, I’ll definitely fall asleep again.
We lie close to each other, so close that my nose touches the hollow at the middle of his collarbone. I inhale his scent and sigh softly.
The sound makes him tremble; I can feel it. Can we please just lie here like this forever?
“You’re about to fall asleep again,” Jase whispers in my ear. His soft voice sends a delicious tingle through my body. I move a little away from him, just far enough that I can look at him. My breath catches, his eyes darken, and his touch changes almost imperceptibly.
His fingertips dance lightly on my skin.
Warmth spreads through my middle. It’s not even a real touch, but I can still feel it everywhere.
I sigh again and snuggle closer. My hand slides under his sweatshirt.
He holds his breath as I lightly caress his hips with my fingernails.
His pelvis moves forward, just like mine.
Then his erection presses against my middle, and I feel a throbbing between my legs.
Our legs wrap around each other instinctively, and I feel a wave of heat overtake me.
Our movements are dreamy and slow, but my pulse quickens, along with my breathing. We rub against each other, and he moans deeply. I’ve never heard a nicer sound. His desire makes me brave. I feel free and strong, and I want more . . .
The alarm rings again, and we start.
“Fuck, no!” Jase swears, and I have to laugh. Grumbling, he switches it off.
“I’m afraid we have to get up,” I say, stretching with a yawn.
“We could just stay in bed.” His look sets my whole body on fire, and I almost say yes. But only almost.
“We can’t cut class again. You can’t endanger your scholarship.” I don’t want to remind him of it, but it’s better if I do.
He sighs with a deep disappointment that I share. “I know.”
I sit up, and Jase slips out of the bed, holding out a hand to pull me to my feet. I follow him into my tiny bathroom. The drawer of the sink cabinet sticks slightly as I open it to get a new toothbrush for Jase so he doesn’t have to go back to his own room yet. I want him to stay here with me.
“You’re prepared,” he says with amusement.
I hand him the toothbrush and reach for my own. “I’m just a neat freak. I have half a drugstore in this drawer,” I say dryly. It’s not a lie. I buy a reserve of everything: After all, you never know what the future will bring.
Jase shakes his head, grinning. “Why am I not surprised?”
“Because you know me.”
* * *
“Very good, Zoe!” Miss Chelsea smiles with approval. “Now from the top, please.”
Miss Chelsea is our pointe teacher. She’s a tall, slender woman with a heart-shaped face and gentle charisma. She’s the complete opposite of Francesca.
I stretch my arms and legs briefly before returning to position and going en pointe again, my supporting leg and raised leg turned out evenly. I remind myself to concentrate on my back and hips and not to forget my arms. I stretch my free leg far back, my arms allongé, palms down.
We’re working on our arabesques, a position I’ve always loved. My body feels light, free, and weightless. My muscles are flowing in sync; my movements are soft and fluid. All is as it should be today. When I remember how I woke up this morning, my mouth curls into a smile all by itself.
I turn, making sure my upper body isn’t too far forward and my shoulders are aligned.
Endorphins flow through my veins, and my smile widens.
I no longer feel the constant pain in my feet.
The pointe shoes are now part of my body.
They are an extension of me, and they help me to put all my weight on my toes.
“Very good,” Miss Chelsea says again as I sink back onto my heels. My inner thigh muscles are still tense, something that was drilled into me as a child until all my muscles learned to keep the tension by themselves. I don’t even have to think about it anymore.
“That was excellent.” Mae, who’s standing next to me, smiles. It’s a broad, meaningful smile. “Did you know you’re glowing? You’re practically floating,” she says casually. “And you skipped an afternoon class yesterday and didn’t answer any of my twenty-seven messages. I’m very curious about why.”
I silently curse my mother for passing on her genes that make me blush. I have no control over it.
I can’t help looking over at Charlotte, who is standing a few yards away from us, hands on her hips as she corrects Jessica. When she notices me looking at her, she turns around and gives me one of her saccharine smiles, sending an unpleasant shudder down my spine.
I turn away quickly and concentrate on Mae again. I want to tell her everything, but I can’t do it here, with Charlotte nearby.
“Can we talk about it later?”
“Mm-hmm.” Mae narrows her eyes, peering back and forth between Charlotte and me. She understands. “Sure,” she says. “But at least tell me if things are less complicated now.”
I nod. It’s not easy yet, and a lot still has to be cleared up. But everything is a little less complicated than it was yesterday.
“I’m really happy for you.” Mae’s gaze softens.
I’m about to say something else when Miss Chelsea turns her attention back to us. “Don’t dawdle. Keep it up,” she urges us. “We still have a lot to do today.”
We nod at the same moment and return to position. But there’s still something I urgently need to say.
“Hey, Mae?” I whisper.
“Hmm?” she raises her eyebrows questioningly.
“I’m glad your suitcase broke on the first day.”
She grins. She understands what I’m trying to tell her.
Thank you for being my friend.
Thank you for never pushing me to tell you why I panicked so much at the beginning.
Thanks for just being here.
“Me too,” she says.
* * *
Mae and I spend our lunch break in her room after getting something to eat in the cafeteria.
Then I tell her everything. Well, not everything.
I’m not quite ready for that. But I tell her enough, because I need to talk about it, and because Mae is the one I want to talk about it with. Just because she’s herself.
I tell her about Jase and what happened back then, leaving out the reason why we didn’t actually get together.
And she doesn’t ask because she can tell it’s something I can’t talk about.
I tell her that we had sex and that he spent the night in my room.
I tell her how strange it feels, because my whole life has revolved almost exclusively around ballet so far, and suddenly it’s different.
When I tell her this, she smiles. “That’s because we’ve been told all our lives that ballet is the most important thing in the world.
And for us, it is. It’s our whole lives.
It defines who we are. What our future looks like.
Where we come from and where we’re going.
But it’s okay if you get a little distracted now. ”
I sigh. “Is it?”
“Yes. Do you know why?”
“I’m sure you’re about to tell me.”
“Of course. I can’t keep my wisdom to myself.
” She grins, then quickly goes serious on me again.
“This thing with you and Jase, it’s not just a distraction.
He’s making you better. Think about what your first week was like and what it’s like now.
Okay, we can leave out yesterday’s lesson because something obviously went wrong, but in the last few weeks, you’ve gotten better the closer you’ve become.
And I’m not the only one who noticed it.
Francesca did too. I don’t think she meant that we should fall in love with our dance partners when she said we should build up trust. But hey, you can’t have everything.
” She shrugs, giggling, and I want to tell her she’s wrong.
That I’m not in love with Jase. But the objection catches in my throat. Shit.