Chapter 49
Zoe
For me, the fear of panic is sometimes worse than the panic itself.
—Zoe
“Zoe, it’s not what you think,” Reed says, swearing as he fumbles around for the light switch. A second later, brightness floods the small room. It doesn’t make me feel any better. Definitely not any safer.
This can’t be real. It can’t be.
I must be dreaming, and I’ll wake up any second from this nightmare. There’s no other possibility.
But it’s not a nightmare. It’s real.
I’m leaning against the closed door, and it’s hard and cold against my back. Reed stands in front of me, too close, trapping me between his body and the door.
I’m captive, and he’s here.
He did this to me.
Everything about him is so familiar. His light-brown hair that’s always combed back but falling over his forehead anyway.
His gray-green eyes with the long black lashes I’ve always envied him for.
The little scar on his forehead from falling off the ladder of our treehouse when he was twelve.
The dimples in his cheeks that are visible even when he’s not smiling, like right now.
I’ve known him for most of my life, and he’s the one who broke me.
Shame washes over me.
I feel so dirty.
Abandoned.
Broken.
Alone.
“Really, it’s not what you think,” he repeats, like maybe I just didn’t understand him the first time. I wish that were true. I wish I hadn’t overheard them at all.
I want my ignorance back. Immediately.
“Isn’t it? What exactly do I think?” My voice sounds thin and suffocated. It’s a miracle that I was even able to speak.
My body is numb, apart from where Reed’s hand is still touching my arm. That burns like acid.
He’s much too close to me. So close that I can smell his scent, sour and masculine.
I’ll never be able to forget it again.
I want to get away. I have to. But I can’t move. I’ve lost control over my body. Again.
And again, it’s because of him.
You’re in shock.
Yes, I am.
Somewhere deep inside, I know I should scream. Call for help. I know I have to do something.
“You—”
“Let me go!” I tug on my arm, but his grip gets stronger. I’m bowled over by panic.
No no no. Not again. Please, not again. Please please please.
“You have to listen to me, Zoe!”
“I heard you both. I heard what you said.” I sob, and my whole body starts to shake. My stomach is turning, and I think I’m going to throw up. “It was you. You were the one who did that to me.” I want to scream, but I can’t. My voice isn’t doing what I want.
Reed shakes his head, his face twisted in desperation. “It wasn’t like that. I . . . Charlotte told me you were waiting for me. That you wanted me. I was drunk. I didn’t know . . . I didn’t . . .” he stammers, and something inside me snaps. It hurts. It hurts so damn much.
“Charlotte told you that I wanted you to rape me?” I whisper. Tears run over my face, hot and salty.
His gaze follows the tears, then comes to rest on my mouth. I want to vomit and die and kill him, all at the same time.
“She said that you liked me, and you were embarrassed about being the only one of your friends who was still a virgin. She knew that I was into you, and I thought . . . I thought . . .” he breaks off, his voice shaking with agony.
I want to slap him. He has no right to that agony. He took everything from me. And no fucking excuse in the world can make up for it.
My ears are ringing, and my pulse is racing. I feel dizzy. I have to get away.
“Let go of me. Let go of me already!” My voice comes out loud and shrill.
And he does. He puts his hands up, but he doesn’t move back. He’s far too close to me now. This is all so absurd. So wrong.
“Zoe, please, I’m sorry! Don’t tell Caleb, please! It wasn’t my fault. Charlotte—”
My hand strikes his face, and then my fingernails catch on his skin and scratch it open. He cries out and takes a few steps backward.
The shock in his eyes shakes me out of my stupor, and so does the blood running down his face. I whirl around, yank the door open, and run down the corridor on shaking legs. Away from Reed and everything he’s done. Away from his voice calling my name.
The corridor is far too long. Why is it suddenly so long? I lose my balance and sense of direction. Everything is wrong. Why why why why?
I push open another door, and behind it, there’s darkness. Warm, safe darkness. I stagger through the room blind and run into something. My fingers meet fabric, many different kinds, and I realize that I must be in the costume workshop.
I feel my way deeper into the room. Maybe it would be better to turn on the light. But then Reed would see the light, and then he would find me. I can’t let that happen.
At some point, I bump against what I assume is a wall. My legs won’t carry me any farther; they simply collapse. I land hard on my knees and curl up on my side in a little ball.
I cry. I don’t remember the last time I cried this hard. Silent sobs shake my body. I have to be quiet so no one hears me.
No one. No one. No one.
Especially not Reed.
I bite my lip until I taste blood.
The rushing sound in my ears gets louder. It hurts. Everything hurts.
He touched me. Again. I’ve got to take a shower. Wash away his touch. Erase it. I feel so dirty.
I can’t breathe. My chest is too narrow; it feels like barbed wire is wrapped around it.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe, goddamn it.
I need to breathe, but I can’t.
Charlotte and Reed did this to me.
Gasping, I roll onto my back. I need to breathe.
Deep breath. Hot tears run over my face.
I can’t. Why can’t I breathe?
I’m dizzy, and the darkness around me begins to spin.
It’s got to stop. It’s just got to stop.
Please.
I have no idea how long I sit there until it stops, if it even does at all. But I suddenly feel a light vibration in my back pocket.
My phone.
I have my phone with me. How could I forget that?
Not that it matters now.
Trembling, I sit up and pull it out of my pocket. The screen lights up. Caleb.
Relief floods through me. I swipe the screen and put the phone to my ear.
“Hey, Zoe, I wanted to—” he breaks off when I sob.
History is repeating itself.
“Zoe?” I can hear the panic in his voice. I’ve heard it before.
“Caleb,” I sob. “You have to come. Please.”
“What happened?”
“I . . . please. Just come.”
“Where are you?”
“In the theater. I . . . don’t know where.”
It takes twenty minutes and thirty-seven seconds until Caleb finds me and ends the call. He asks me what happened, and I tell him. Then I vomit my guts out. When he pulls me into his arms, I collapse.
Everything goes dark.
* * *
I regain consciousness but still can’t find my way back to reality.
Caleb helps me to my feet and carries me to the car.
History really is repeating itself. He takes me to the hospital even though I say I don’t want to go.
But he’s worried about me, so I go anyway.
On the way, he calls our parents and tells them what happened.
Then we’re in the hospital, and my parents are there. Caleb kisses my forehead and then disappears, and I know where he’s going. To the penthouse, to look for Reed and confront him.
I feel empty. There’s nothing left. Only emptiness. A doctor is talking to my parents, but I can’t understand what anyone is saying. I’m not listening. I don’t care.
Reed was the one who raped me.
He did this to me.
He stole me from myself.
It’s his fault that my life shattered into a million little pieces that are impossible to put back together again the way they were.
Mom and Dad bring me home, even though the doctor is against it—I can at least understand that much. I’m glad they don’t leave me in the hospital. I hate hospitals. They’re so dismal. People die. Sure, some are saved too. But not me.
I just want to go home.
As Mom helps me out of the car, my legs collapse.
Dad lifts me and carries me into the house and upstairs to my room.
He puts me in my bed and sits down next to me, stroking my hair and saying something that I only perceive as a muffled murmur.
I pull the covers up over my head and hide from the world.
The knowledge of what happened is devouring me.
The ignorance was a blessing; I get that now. It protected me from this abyss and kept me from falling. Deeper, deeper, deeper.
There’s no bottom. Only falling.
Dad leaves, and Mom stays with me. She’s crying. I can hear her, even though she’s making a great effort not to make a sound. But she’s breathing differently, and that gives it away.
I don’t cry. I can’t. I don’t have any tears left.
After a while, Mom lets go of my hand and stands up, but the mattress sinks again immediately. Another hand slides under the covers and finds mine.
Caleb.
“Hey.” His voice is shaking.
I flip back the covers and look up at him. His eyes are wet. His hair is a mess, and he’s pale.
“Are you okay?” I ask so softly that I can hardly hear myself. But I can’t manage to make my voice any louder.
Caleb lets out a desperate laugh. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”
“We both know the answer to that question anyway.”
He strokes my hair gently. “What can I do to make you feel better?”
I open my mouth, about to say that there’s nothing he can do, but then it occurs to me that’s not true. “Tell Jase what happened.”
“Zoe—” He stops and bites his lower lip, and then tears run down his face. If I weren’t already completely shattered, another part of me would break now. Caleb clears his throat and stands up. “Okay. I’ll let Jase know.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, then pull the blanket back over my head and close my eyes.