Chapter 57
Zoe
I hope that someday you’ll read these notes I’ve written, even though it’s insanely unlikely that you’ll ever speak to me again.
—Zoe
I return to school two weeks later, even though Pearson said I could take as much time as I need. But I can’t wait anymore.
I want to dance.
My parents and Caleb bring me back to campus. It feels a bit like we’re in a time machine that took us back to my first day, but at the same time, it’s different. Maybe even better, in spite of everything.
My pulse accelerates as my family accompanies me to the dorm. It’s not necessary, but I’m happy to have them with me, and I think they might need this closure for themselves too.
It’s early Monday morning, and I’ll have to hurry to get to my first class on time. The corridors are full, as usual. Students are everywhere. I notice them staring at me as I enter the building, climb the stairs, and finally walk down the hall on the fourth floor to my room.
They’ve heard what happened. Of course they did. How could they not have? Part of me wants to hunch my shoulders and hide. But I have no reason to.
“Are you sure you’re ready?” Mom asks as we reach my room. There’s unmistakable concern in her voice.
I smile, and it’s genuine. “I am. And Dr. Somers also said she thought it would be good for me to come back.”
“I know. It’s just—” Sighing, she stops and shakes her head. “It’s all right. Forget it. It’s just me being worried, that’s all. As usual.” She laughs, but it sounds nervous.
“I’m fine, Mom,” I reassure her, taking my key out of my jacket pocket and unlocking the door.
“That’s wonderful. That’s really good.”
“It is, Mom,” Caleb says, putting an arm around her shoulders. “Zoe will be fine, I know she will. She isn’t alone here.”
“She’s really not.” I turn around when I hear Jase’s familiar voice. My heart flutters when I see him, and a beaming smile appears on my face of its own accord.
He came back yesterday. It was strange to spend the night without him.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey.” He smiles. I can’t get enough. Of his smile. Of him.
“I guess that’s our cue to disappear,” Caleb says with a theatrical sigh, but then he grins and gives Jase a quick hug.
I don’t know if things will ever be the same between the two of them, but at least they’re talking to each other again.
And maybe it doesn’t have to be like it was before.
Maybe they need a fresh start, without secrets.
Jase told Caleb about Sam. I think it’s good for him to talk about his brother.
Every time he mentions him, there’s a little less pain in his eyes.
It will never go away, it will always be there, but it’s a different kind of pain now.
Because he’s not hiding Sam anymore. He’s remembering him.
He remembers the way it used to be. And every time we talk about him, he remembers something else.
I’m beginning to understand what Jase meant when he said that Caleb reminds him of Sam.
“You have to go back to school anyway,” Dad says.
“I might as well skip the first class,” Caleb says, making a face. “I hate statistics.”
“You go right ahead and do that, but I have to go to class right now. Unlike you, I don’t like being late,” I say.
“Okay, okay, we’re leaving.” Caleb messes up my hair, and I wrinkle my nose, struggling to hide a smile.
“Will I see you this weekend?” I ask and hug him.
He hugs me so tightly that I can’t breathe for a moment. “Sure. Movie night. I already told Parker.”
“Just what I hoped.”
I let him go and hug Mom and Dad.
“Let us know if you need us,” Mom says, because she can’t help it.
“I will,” I promise.
They hug Jase and then leave us alone.
He takes a step toward me and kisses me. “Are you ready?”
I take a deep breath. “I think so.”
I take a few minutes to change and put my hair up in a neat bun, then I grab my bag, and we leave my room.
We’re running late, and Jase should have been at his first class a while ago, but I’m happy that he’s with me. We walk over to the practice building together and separate at the second floor.
“See you later,” he says, kissing me and going up one more level to his class.
I don’t want him to leave, but he’s got to get to his class, and I have to do this alone now.
My legs feel a little shaky as I walk down the corridor.
I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know how the others will react. I don’t know anything at all.
Everything will be fine.
When I enter the studio, the others are already doing their warm-up exercises.
Everyone pauses at once. They look at me, and I freeze and turn red, then white as a sheet. I turn to Mr. Conrad for help, but he’s also looking at me, with compassion in his eyes.
“Zoe!” Mae’s excited squeal gets my attention, and a second later, she’s throwing her arms around me. “I’m so glad you’re back!”
I hug her, and it feels right. “I am too.”
Mr. Conrad claps his hands and gives us a stern look. “There’s nothing to see, people. Back to the barre. We have a lot to do.”
The others obey, and I give him a grateful look. He smiles at me encouragingly.
Mae grabs my hand and drags me to the barre, where she was just standing. Jessica slides over a bit to make space for me.
I put my hand on the barre, take a deep breath, take the first position, and bend my knees in a plié. I do what I’ve been doing for most of my life.
I dance.
* * *
As I walk to pas de deux class with Mae, I feel calm. Everything is like it was before, even though everyone knows. No one asks me any questions or makes comments about what happened. I can sometimes feel eyes on me, but there’s no gossip. At least not that I can hear.
Jase is sitting with Skye and Ches on the floor as we walk in. His gaze immediately finds mine.
“God, you two are so in love,” Mae says in a stage whisper. I think everyone in the room can hear her.
“That’s true,” I say, because it is.
“I hear we’re having a couple’s movie night this weekend?”
“Aha, then Tristan already asked you? I wanted to tell you myself, but—”
“That’s okay,” Mae says gently and squeezes my hand. “I get it. But yeah, Tristan asked me.”
“I’m glad you’re coming too.”
“So am I. Now go to your prince; he’s been gazing longingly at you this whole time.” Mae gives me a gentle push in Jase’s direction.
I suppress the urge to stick my tongue out at her and tow her over to Jase and Skye with me.
“Mae is being stupid,” I say.
“That’s new,” Skye says sarcastically, but her eyes are gleaming mischievously.
“Hey, that’s not fair! You’re not any better, Skye,” Mae says.
“I never claimed to be.”
“Good morning, everyone!” The sound of Francesca’s voice makes us look around. She walks briskly into the room. Her gaze lands on me, and a smile appears on her face. “Nice that we’re all here again.”
I swallow, because all at once I have a lump in my throat. Instead of answering, I nod. Francesca goes through the choreography for today’s lesson and sends one pair after the other to the center of the room.
“Zoe, Jase, you’re next,” she says at some point.
Jase holds out his hand to me. I give him mine, and my heart leaps. As usual.
“Ready?” he asks as we take position.
I nod, and he lets me go, putting his hands on my waist. His grasp is firm and secure as we begin to move. Familiar. Just like his steps. And mine.
Our movements are soft and flowing, in harmony. We go through the choreography, and every turn, every jump, and every step is perfect. For the first time.
I smile as Jase lifts me, and I feel incredibly light.
Free. I’m dancing, and it’s the way it should be, the way it always was.
It hurts and it heals. I engage my body and my heart, and I’m sore, but in the best possible way.
Because I’m doing what I love. And Jase is all around me: behind, beside, lifting and holding me.
He helps me not to lose my balance. We’re a single unit, fully in sync, and my heart pounds with joy while my body works.
It’s hard work, and the steps are difficult.
More difficult than usual. But we can do this.
I know what he’s going to do before he does it.
I know when he’s going to hold out his hand, when he’s going to guide me, when he’s going to turn me, and when he’s going to let me go.
I don’t hesitate as he wraps one arm around my waist and grasps my thigh with his other hand.
I reach for his shoulder, bend one leg while I stretch the other upward far behind him.
He bends his supporting leg and leans over my arched upper body, and we remain that way for a moment, breathing heavily.
Sweat covers my skin, making the long-sleeved leotard stick to me, and my whole body glows with adrenaline and pure joy.
Jase kisses the sensitive skin just below my neck before he straightens us up again, and my feet find the floor.
For a moment, I lean against him and return his gaze in the mirror, ignoring the fact that we’re not alone, because this moment belongs to us.
He smiles again, and so do I. Right now, everything is totally perfect.