Chapter 13 #3
“Just do it.” I do as she says, and my eyes immediately lock onto Ashia.
She’s sitting on our bed, talking on the phone with a stern face, and even with one arm draped across her belly, her hand is waving and jutting out, clearly in an intense conversation.
“That’s not fear on her face, Damien. That’s determination.
She is willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal. ”
“She wants me to be the man I was…”
“I’m not so sure about that,” she says honestly.
I look back down at her as she throws her wild locks into a rather large knot on top of her head.
“Like you just said, she will always love you. To me, it seems like she knows exactly what trauma does to people. She’s determined to love you, no matter what version of you comes out of the other side of this.
You didn’t see everything. I had to watch her tear through buildings and kill crime bosses to try and find you.
She’s not scared of what you think you’ve become, and she definitely isn’t scared of who you are.
You just have to let her show you that.”
My body heats at her words, knowing somewhere deep down that she’s right. That might just make it worse, though.
“I don’t deserve her…”
“We’ll agree to disagree on that, but I know exactly how you feel…” she says softly and looks down to the porch again.
“Your sister?”
She nods.
“Elizabeth is so pure… She knows nothing of the evil in our world—of the things we’ve seen and done.
She’s too good, too sweet, to ever survive it…
I just want to protect her from it all. God, I can only imagine what she’s seen while I’ve been…
away.” She blinks rapidly to force her tears to vanish.
“She’s not my daughter…but I’ve raised her as if she is.
To me, she is my little girl. I’m the only mom she knows…
I would do anything to protect her, and I know your wife feels the same way about you and your daughter.
If you really can’t bring yourself to talk to her or tell her about what you went through, fine, but at least tell her what you need. Let her help you.”
“I just need her…” I say honestly.
“Then act like it!” Victoria snaps at me, her tone filled with anger.
“I just punched a pillow right next to her head in my sleep!” I throw my hand out towards the balcony door, getting even more disgusted with myself.
“What if I hit her? I couldn’t live with that.
Not after what she’s been through already.
And fuck, what if I hurt her? What if I…
” I can’t even bear to say it. As Ashia continues to talk on the phone, her hand absentmindedly caresses her belly, unknowingly throwing my fears right in my face.
The worry alone of hurting our baby girl is enough to cripple me, but hurting Ashia?
... Either scenario would kill me. “I just need to control myself again…”
“Then go in there and take it. If you want your wife, then go take her. Jesus, you men are something else.” She rolls her eyes and walks back to the other side of the balcony, closer to the room she’s currently staying in.
I look back inside one more time, watching Ashia continue to talk on the phone before I push off the railing. My lungs take one last cool, deep breath, and then I pull the glass doors ajar.
“Alex, seriously…” Ashia continues her conversation.
“Tell Satori to chill the fuck out and do what we say… Of course, he is… Okay, okay. Take everyone that he’s riled up into a room with Kade and go over their expectations again.
Tell them that Satori has no authority to make his own observation routes, and that the men are required to run the directions either you, Carter, or Zeke give them…
No exceptions.” She looks back up to me, and the seriousness on her face instantly starts to fade.
“I have to go. If you need back up, just call Zeke in. They’ll change their minds after he loses his shit…
Okay… Okay, bye.” She hangs up and lays her phone on the nightstand.
“What’s that about?” I ask curiously. They haven’t been telling me anything involving DH.
I understand that they believe they’re protecting me by doing that, but it’s just upsetting.
If I hope to get back to anything resembling normalcy, I need to work.
I need to see my men. There has to be something that hasn’t been turned upside down by all of this.
“Oh, you know. Satori’s normal eat-shit attitude. I’m sure Alex can handle it.” A faint grin graces her lips, but I know she’s anything but relaxed.
“You shouldn’t have to worry about that.”
“Oh, he was just calling to vent. It’s really no big deal.
” She swats her hand in the air, trying to brush it off.
I walk up and sit beside her on the bed, keeping a distance that I loathe.
We remain in stale silence while I try to come up with what to say.
She stares at me like I’m her entire world—like I’m not a danger to her.
The possibility of her ever looking at me any differently has created a nauseating feeling that won’t go away.
How am I supposed to let her down like this?
The love of my life worships me, just like I needed her to, and now I have to tell her that her faith is misplaced.
I’m not sure I can. A good man would. He would tell his wife the truth and take the consequences.
A decent man would let his wife walk away if that’s what she decided, but once again, I’m proving that I’m not a good man.
I’m a selfish bastard. I want to keep her in my arms and oblivious for the rest of our lives.
I know she deserves better than that—she deserves the truth.
There might be a chance that she wouldn’t leave me, but even if she tried, I would never let her.
She can hate me for the rest of our lives, but she’ll hate me where I can see it.
Every step she’ll ever take again will be in our home, unable to pass the threshold to what she’ll see as freedom from me.
I’ll never walk again. I’ll crawl. Each word I’ll say after tonight will be pleading and yearning, begging for her love.
I’ll happily spend the rest of my life groveling at her feet, hoping that one day I’ll have apologized enough to earn her affection once again.
I swore that we’d be buried next to one another after a long life, and I’ll fulfill that promise—no matter what.
I finally open my mouth to start this conversation slowly as I come up with a plan, but she beats me to it.
“How did your session go earlier?” Her voice is soft and sweet, coated with so much care that it would bring me to my knees if I wasn’t already sitting. Those enticing, beautiful brown eyes continue to look into mine, and I cower inside. I can’t do this… I can’t break her heart…
“It was okay, a little hard to hear,” I say regrettably, feeling lesser of a man for holding back. “She, uh…mentioned that you refuse to talk to her?” She hesitates to answer my question, but then she nods in one slow motion. “Why?” She scrunches her lips in a faux-guilty smirk, and then it fades.
“A couple of different reasons. I don’t want Dr. Von to twist what I say, and I don’t want to accidentally tell her something that you haven’t yet.
I just want to make sure you get everything out of it that you need.
Plus…” She hesitates again, but she sprouts a real grin this time.
“Now that she can hear, I don’t want her hearing about my past if Dr. Von were to ask.
” She pokes her stomach and chuckles to herself.
I stare at her in total sorrow and wonder.
Her protective and caring nature will take my breath away for eternity.
She shouldn’t have to worry about that… There might come a day when our daughter learns of her mother’s childhood, but that won’t be anytime soon, and it certainly won’t be before she’s born.
“You're such a good mom already…” I whisper before I can stop myself. Her eyes brighten just a little, and even though her smile doesn’t completely disappear, it softens ever so lightly—like she feels the same warmth as I do.
She cups my face in her hands and forces me to look at her.
Her grip isn’t firm, but her golden globes keep me pinned in place.
“And you’re a great dad,” she says so confidently that it rattles my spine.
It hurts. It really fucking hurts, because I want that so badly…
I want to believe her. My strength falters and I lean into her touch, desperate to feel more of it.
Maybe if I feel her long enough—breath enough of her in—her unwavering faith will seep its way in.
I inhale her, letting my eyes flutter closed and the warmth settle in my lungs.
“What do you need, baby? What can I do?”
When I was away, I wanted everything—needed any part of her.
I yearned for her touch, her voice, her scent, all of it.
My soul demanded that I hear her say she loves me.
I wanted to go back to the moment I met her and relive it all.
Over and over again, I would try to reside in a loop of nothing but our story, and I tried to think of it. They wouldn’t let me…
“Will you sing for me?” I don’t open my eyes yet, embarrassed to ask.
Her grip on my face tightens, and before I know it, her lips are pressed against my forehead in a tender kiss.
I lean into that, too, hoping to live in this moment forever.
The heat from her hands leaves my face, and I force my eyes open again.
She’s propping her pillow against the headboard…
the one I assaulted not too long ago. Her hands push her up as she scoots back and leans against them.
Once she’s settled in a half-sitting-up position, she holds both hands out to me and grabs the air repeatedly—performing the most adorable ‘come here’ motion I’ve ever seen.
I crawl up the bed without question, willing to do whatever she asks.
She takes me into her arms, gently pulling my head down to rest just above her belly.
I snuggle in close, wrapping one arm around her hips for support, and the other to cradle our daughter as I sink into her affection.
Already, a weight is lifted. All of the horrible things we constantly think about are retreating back into the parts of my mind that I can’t reach.
I haven’t heard them since coming back inside—she’s scared them away.
Our baby girl moves against my arm and palm, solidifying this safe space, and she becomes more active as her mother starts to sing.
She vocalizes our dream of familiar land and known pathways—of calm rivers and earth beneath our feet.
I believe it’s called “Somewhere Only We Know,” and I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect lullaby.
That’s exactly what we should do. We should take our daughter somewhere no one else can reach us—somewhere safe.
A place with a perfect breeze, just so they don’t get too hot, and we could stay there forever.
I can almost see it as my eyelids fall heavily.
We’d have a yard a lot like this one, a big field where we could all play.
When night falls, we could stare at the stars, and I could teach our little girl all about them before we put her to bed.
I could make love to my wife under them and compare her beauty to each one.
We could be whole again, and maybe, just maybe, we could be happy without consequence.