Chapter 15 #3
The pride she feels for me remains on her face, no matter how many times I fall back into the darkness.
All I have to do is take a step, and she beams like I’ve accomplished something great.
It’s misplaced. That look is the same as I had hoped to see in our daughter’s eyes, but I know I’ll never see it.
Both of my girls will be forced to live a life of delusion, thinking the man in their life is good and just. More than anything, I want to live up to it.
I want them to see the love I have for them, not the darkness that lies just under my skin.
I want to be my daughter’s hero, not what haunts her dreams.
But instead, her father is a coward. A liar.
A killer. Worst of all, no matter what I do or how hard I try to push it away, the urge to do it again is still there.
I want Saconne’s head on a platter. I want to string Avery’s body from the tallest building in the city and show every living soul that he didn’t get the best of me—of us.
Every bad thing that could possibly cross my family’s path needs to be laid to waste.
I just don’t know who first to go afterwards—them or myself.
I gently move down the bed, careful not to wake Ashia from what I’m sure is one of the few full rests she’s had, and stop at her stomach.
As I pull the blanket down just enough to uncover her belly, I see the outside of her skin move like a waterbed, showing the obvious signs that the baby is awake.
I put my hand on the curve of perfection and feel the movement beneath my palm.
How could my tainted DNA help create something so beautiful?
So innocent, yet strong? She has to get those traits from her mother…
I imagine our little girl to be so much like her, so courageous and strong-willed.
Nothing will get in her way, not even me.
I know her heart will be as genuine as Ashia’s, too, and that terrifies me.
She needs to know that no matter when my mind dies, or how lost I’ll become in this darkness, my love for them will always remain.
It will always prevail. I’ll protect her with my life, even if I’m not worthy of living it.
My soul was laid at their feet the moment I first glanced at her mother through that window.
I knew then that I no longer belonged to myself.
Ashia captured me with something as much as a look, and the moment I learned of our baby’s existence, my world doubled.
My soul grew large enough to be consumed by them both.
Even if I can never be who I was, I need them to know that I’m theirs to command—that they’re mine to protect, to cherish.
“Hey, Princess…” I whisper into Ashia’s belly, resting my forehead on her soft skin.
Our baby girl continues to whoosh and bubble beneath it, warming and squeezing my chest. I continue to stroke her stomach, hoping to calm her down and keep her mom asleep.
“I’m…” I swallow harshly and clench my teeth, trying to pull myself together with no avail.
My eyes burn with unshed tears, fighting to break the surface of my pain. “I’m so fucking sorry, baby girl…”
A whimper escapes my trembling lips, and weakness crushes my throat, allowing the tears to escape and run down my cheek.
I wrap my arm around Ashia’s belly, wishing more than anything in the world that I could hold them both in this moment.
I want to hold them close as I search for myself, so when the time comes to meet her, I’ll be ready and waiting—exactly who she needs.
I’m running out of time… I can’t disappoint her…
“I’m so sorry that your daddy is so fucked up…
that I couldn’t hold on.” I bury my face into her skin a little more, desperate to feel our baby’s strength.
“I want to find him… I’ll scour the earth until I can be the father you deserve…
” I lightly caress her stomach, hoping more than anything that the baby can feel me here.
“Please… Please, don’t meet me like this…
I don’t want you to realize that Daddy is gone…
I wish I could tell you I’ll be that man by the time you arrive, but I don’t know if he’s coming back, and I’m just… I’m just so fucking sorry…”
Sobs shake my shoulders unwillingly, and I try to suppress them.
Despair is clawing at me, and I just want to scream.
If I knew this pain wouldn’t just build back up, I would shout the words until my throat swells.
I would allow the tears to stream until there was nothing left.
If it wouldn’t break my wife’s heart, I would stay in this spot until I withered away.
If it wouldn’t hold my two greatest loves back from happy lives, I’d keep them right here until the pain disappeared.
“Please don’t hate me…” I beg one last time. “I love you so much, Princess…”
She kicks against my cheek, and even though I know how ridiculous it is, I cry harder at the movement, like she’s responding to me.
I can’t wait to feel our baby’s tiny chest move against mine as she draws in a breath.
I want to tell her and her mother that I love them until my heart stops beating, and then I’ll whisper it into the wind, hoping she’ll be able to hear me until she joins her mother and I in eternity.
She deserves to know she’ll never be alone, that we’ll always be with her.
Even after she undoubtedly learns who I really am, she’ll always get the best version of me.
She doesn’t deserve to grow up with my pain, and I’ll always do everything I can to shield her from it.
My mind may become a wasteland, filled with nothing but delusions and ghosts, but I know the only thing left standing will be my love for them.
That will always remain, even if my sanity doesn’t.