Chapter 19
Ashia
‘Are You With Me?’ - nilu
I storm back into the house, fighting back tears as the pounding in my head gets worse.
There’s no way I heard him right. How does Damien go from wanting to board up the house to planning a rescue mission across the country?
And the guys? They would plan all of this and keep me out of the loop?
This isn’t some run-of-the-mill mission.
He isn’t going across town to stop some drug dealers.
He’s talking about going over three thousand miles away from home!
Victoria stands by the stairs, sulking, and I can feel her eyes on me as I stomp past her.
I understand. Of course I get it. A four-year-old girl’s life is hanging in the balance, and only God knows what will happen when time runs out.
They gave Victoria ten days to give herself up.
It’s been six. I know we need to do this quickly.
I just didn’t think I’d be left in the dark again after everything that’s happened.
And what about us? What about Damien’s health and sanity?
Why does it have to be him? I can’t help but aggressively fill the dinner plates, setting Victoria’s down on the counter a little too harshly.
My pulse continues to race along with the thoughts in my head, heating my body despite the cool temperature outside.
The baby starts moving again, and while it’s not uncomfortable, the wave-like movements don’t really help with the light-headedness.
I smell him before I feel him. His natural musk hits me as I take a deep breath in, and I hate myself for sinking into him the moment his arms wrap around me, his chest pressing to my back.
I know it’s wrong to feel so selfish, but I want to demand that he never leaves again.
He should stay right here, with his arms locked around me forever.
I'm just now starting to get him back. What happens if something goes wrong?
What if he gets hurt, or something triggers him and it sets him back?
I can't lose him again.
“Take a deep breath, baby,” he whispers in my ear as his grip tightens around me. His hand traces circles around my belly, trying to calm me down, but I don't let it. The thoughts keep racing through my mind, making it impossible. “Ashia…”
“I don’t want to do this right now.” I attempt to go back to making the plates, but Damien takes a small step back, dragging me with him.
“Let’s just talk? Please…” he pleads, breaking my heart.
“There’s nothing to talk about, Damien.” I have to swallow the tightness in my throat, knowing I'm about to cry. “You decided that you’re doing this tomorrow night. Well, tonight really, since it’s two in the morning now.
So, it’s done. I heard what Carter said, I know the plan, and that’s it.
Now, we're going to eat, and then I'm going to bed.” I try to push him away, but he doesn’t let me.
His grasp only tightens, holding me so close that I can feel his racing heart against my back.
“Ashia…” His tone turns sharp. “We are going to talk about this. Baby, please…”
I turn and face him with tears in my eyes, hating the agony in his. The room spins a little as I move, but I don't back down. Panic is swirling all around me, and I can't stand how shaky I'm becoming.
“The time to have this talk would’ve been before a plane was booked. I know you've been in a different head space, and have been through unspeakable, horrible things, but we're a team. Yes, you and the men, but me and you, too,” my voice squeaks.
I wipe a tear away with a trembling hand before I continue, determined to keep going.
“I'm not mad that you want to fly across the country to save a little girl—of course you do. You wouldn’t be my Damien if you didn’t. But I'm just starting to get you back. You’re finally starting to come back to me, and now you want to leave?”
The baby starts kicking even harder, and all I can imagine is that it’s her way of telling me to calm down.
I rub my belly subtly, looking down at it and thinking of everything she means to us.
Just when it seems we’ll get everything we’ve ever wanted, it’s ripped away.
This life isn’t forgiving. It doesn’t forget.
Every time it vows to come for us again, it does, and it’s violent—attacking us the moment we think we’re safe.
We’re not safe.
“There’s too much that could happen.” I keep going, looking back up at him with desperate eyes.
“So yes, I'm going to be a hormonal mess, and a shitty person, and not want you to go. I’m going to scream, and cry, and beg you to stay, because I’m scared.
” My voice cracks with that last word, surprised that I said it out loud.
Damien’s face tenses up, like he’s trying to control his emotions as well.
“These past two months have been the worst of my life, too. I don’t want to live without you again.
You were eight miles away…” I cry, unable to hold my tears any longer.
“Eight miles, and I couldn’t find you… Now, I’m just supposed to be okay with you going over three thousand? !”
He grips my face before I can get another word out, boring his stare into mine and pinning me in place.
“No. No, you’re not just supposed to be okay with it.
I should’ve talked to you first. I should’ve told you everything myself…
but I was scared, too,” he admits, making my bottom lip tremble.
“Hell, I’m still scared. I didn’t know what you’d think of me.
I never wanted you to see me as weak as I’ve been…
” He swallows harshly and blinks rapidly, trying to bat away his tears.
“That was the worst month of my life, but only because it kept me from you. I can get over the torture, and I can move on from what I did, knowing that you accept me anyway. But what I can’t forgive myself for is the time I lost with you, and the pain that it put you through—fuck, all of the pain I’ve put you through.
You held everything together so beautifully, but I had to watch what it did to you…
You should never have been put in that position.
I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry that I wasn’t here… ”
His thumbs run along my cheeks, wiping tears away.
The weight of it all is crippling, and I’m so sick of hearing those words…
He has nothing to be sorry for. It’s not his fault.
None of this is his fault. I knew what being with him would entail.
I knew what danger that came with it, and I accepted it without a second thought, diving in headfirst, knowing that I would over and over again.
He can’t control what happens, but he throws himself into uncertainty every time the world—our world—is at risk.
He’s constantly there for others, giving more and more of himself to protect the people around him, and I wanted to do the same.
He deserves that commitment—that loyalty.
“I tried. I really did…” I sob, reaching up to squeeze his hands as they rest on my face.
“I tried to keep it all together, to not show them the mess I was inside. I swear, I did… You worked so hard to build DH the way you did. I couldn’t let that crumble…
You trusted me with it. I couldn’t let Satori’s stupid ass tear it apart!
I did everything I could to keep it going, but I just wanted to bring you home! ” My face twists, contorting in pain.
My body shakes with powerful sobs, even as he cradles the back of my head with his hand and pulls me against him.
He’s holding on so tightly that I can barely move, having to bury my face in his neck instead of his chest just to gasp for air.
I fist his shirt, swearing to myself that I’m never letting go again.
“You were perfect, little wolf. Do you hear me? You did everything right. You did so good…” He kisses the top of my head before tightening his grip again. I fall into him, letting him swallow me whole. His strength is the only thing keeping us upright, and I put my unwavering faith in it.
“Please, don’t go…” I beg, willing to repeat the words until I die.
It feels like I might if he pulls away from me.
My heart is supposed to beat next to his.
We’re meant to stay this close. I’m supposed to be in his arms forever, and even the thought of having to go without him again rips my heart to tattered pieces.
His face pulls away, and then he tries to nudge his way in, but I tighten my grip, refusing to let any space between us.
“Look at me, baby girl. Please?” His fingers brush my jawline until he catches my chin and pushes my head up, looking over my tear and snot covered face like I’m still the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.
My watery gaze meets his, drowning me out with ever-changing, ocean blues.
“I promise I’m coming home this time. I am home.
I’m back now. Nothing is going to keep me from you again.
You can let go of the reins, little wolf. I’m here.”
He peppers small kisses over every inch of skin he can reach. First on my nose, then my forehead, cheeks, and chin until he nudges our faces together. I can feel him everywhere, our heat entangling and latching onto each other as we fight for closeness.
“I have to do this, Ashia,” he declares quietly.
“They have no one but us. We can’t let a little girl endure what we have.
” I nod, knowing that he’s right, no matter how much it kills me inside.
“You said you would wait forever for me. Can you wait a little longer?” His voice cracks, proving how much this pains him as well.
I kiss his bottom lip as softly as I can, silently repeating my devotion.
“You better come home…” I whisper back. “I won’t survive another time without you…”
“Me either…” He kisses my forehead, leaning into me with quivering lips.
This all still feels like a dream, like any moment he’ll fade away, and reality will show that he never came home.
“I’ll tell you the entire plan while we eat, okay?
My dad is coming to stay with you while we’re gone, and it’s going to be twenty-four hours, tops.
I swear it.” He starts to justify their decision, and Carter steps up to us.
A wave of anger washes over me as I realize they’ve been listening to us the entire time.
“I'm sorry, Ash. I booked the flight without even asking Damien. I just knew we needed to take the opportunity when it came along, and we need to get Danielle out of Seattle. If we’re going to save Elizabeth…”
“Carter?” I stop him before he can keep digging a bigger hole. “You know how much I like you, but you really need to learn not to ruin a moment.” I wipe the tears from my face, hating how I catch Victoria’s gaze when I turn my head.
There’s no way I can keep being angry with her, not after what I saw.
If it was our daughter in this situation, I would do anything to get to her.
But I’m still so damn mad. I’m mad at the world, the circumstances, and all of the pain we’ve already been through.
I don’t want to be mad at Damien, either.
We deserve peace. I want to spend every second fawning over him, not arguing.
That doesn’t mean I can’t be mad at Carter, though.
I turn my attention back to him, remembering his tone before they went out tonight.
“And hey, don’t listen to our arguments when you won’t even tell me about yours,” I snap at him. Damien glances over at him before looking down at me with wide eyes.
“Oh, so he won’t tell you either?” he jokes, smirking through the last of his tears.
I shake my head, knowing that if I deem Carter as my temporary frenemy, Damien will back me up.
He always gets in Serena’s drama with me.
I shouldn’t be surprised that he would get into Carter’s, too.
“Damn, he must have done something really bad.”
I shrug and wipe the remaining water from my face.
“I don’t know. I feel like if it was that bad, Ser would’ve told me about it.”
“Whoa. So, she won’t even tell you?” His eyebrows shoot up, exaggerating his shock.
“Nope.” I pop the ‘p,’ just like Damien does, and it makes him smile, warming my heart.
“I'm standing right here, guys.” Carter huffs, and Damien turns to look at him again.
“Welcome to our life.” Damien winks at him before pressing our lips together.
He kisses me softly, trying to pull me back into our moment.
One of his hands drifts down to my stomach, and he presses his palm into my skin to feel our daughter’s movements.
His face is more relaxed when he pulls away.
“Now, you’re going to sit and feed my little girl while I tell you the plan.
Then, we’ll go upstairs, just the two of us, and watch a movie while we eat some of the ridiculous amount of ice cream in our freezer.
” I can’t help but giggle a little. “Then I’m going to hold you as we fall asleep, and then all day long, until it’s time for me to go. Okay?”
I give him a small smile, already feeling my eyes sting another time, but I hold it together as he steals one of the plates of food and leads me to the dining table.
Everyone else follows suit, gathering around the table to listen to the details.
Victoria’s eyes stay locked on Damien, taking in every word like it’s gospel.
It’s a solid plan…and is shockingly quiet.
They didn’t base it off of their normal ‘go ape shit’ tactics, and plan on using a stealthy approach.
Zeke doesn’t seem to be too comfortable with the idea of all of them going out of town, but I feel safe with John here.
Even if anything were to happen, I know he would give his life to protect us.
Plus, Victoria is staying here, and while we don’t necessarily stand on the same hill, she’s a feisty little thing.
Whoever is stupid enough to enter this house uninvited will pay the price, and I know we’re all capable of delivering it.
Twenty-four hours. We can do this. One more day.
We waited for what felt like a lifetime for each other, and then we had to wait again.
It’s just one more day. We can get through it.
I know if he can complete this, it’ll open his mind up again.
He needs this as much as Victoria does. This is how we begin to move forward.
I just need to be strong, and knowing that he’ll always fight to be with me will give me that power.
We’ll lean on each other, just like we should’ve done from the beginning.
I trust he’ll make it back, just like he’ll put his trust in me to stay safe.
I just hope we don’t regret it.