Layla – Present
It’s been a month.
I feel numb.
I miss Jacob.
He’s texted me, he’s tried phoning me, he even came to the house a couple of times. I want to talk to him, I want him, but every single time I think about how much I miss him, Gloria’s words come back to haunt me.
I don’t think I can breathe without him. I didn’t think there was anything left of my heart to break. I guess I was wrong. I hurt him again, and I hate myself for it.
I fill up a customer’s mug with more coffee, then return to the counter to help Brody with the breakfast orders. I’m refilling the coffee pot when Brody approaches me.
“How long are you going to avoid talking about whatever has you like this?”
The coffee machine stops pouring and another order is placed at the bar. I grab the plates and turn around.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m fine.”
He shakes his head, then takes the plates from my hands.
“What are you doing?”
“Taking these to the customers. What does it look like I’m doing?” He goes to walk by me, then stops. “There’s someone here to see you. They’re waiting outside.” He sighs. “Take a break, Layla. You need one.”
My stomach drops as he disappears into the bustle of the packed out restaurant. I didn’t have a chance to ask him who is waiting for me.
I take my apron off and set it on the hook by the counter. Reaching to push the bar on the door open, I notice my hands are shaking.
Please don’t be Gloria.
Please don’t be Gloria.
Please don’t be Gloria.
I let out a heavy breath.
“Clark?”
He smiles. “Miss me?” He stretches out his arms, and I run into them.
“It’s so good to see you, Layla.”
“What are you doing in Rockport?” I let my hands slide down his arms.
“I wanted to see you.” He sighs. “And… I spoke to Gloria.”
I swallow. “Right.” Of course he did. My shoulders deflate.
He nudges my arm with his. “Hey, don’t do that.” His voice is laced with concern. “I’ve got no love for the woman, Layla. You know that.”
“You’re still about to tell me she was right though, aren’t you?”
“Hell no.” He laughs. “What gave you that impression?”
“She is right, Clark.”
He grabs hold of my shoulders. “No, Layla. She’s not. And she’s not some voice for Ben either, so get that out of your head.”
“How much did she actually tell you?” I start to walk along the pier with him.
“She mentioned going to see you, then that you were with some guy.” He takes a breath. “That’s not something to feel bad about. You’re allowed to date, or get laid, or whatever it was.” He looks at me from the corner of his eye. “And you’re allowed to fall in love with someone else.”
“I’m not so sure that’s true.”
He steps to the side and leans against the railing.
“Look, Layla. I’m not going to stand here and pretend I know what you’ve been through, because I don’t.
Losing Ben…” He looks down at his hands resting on the wooden ledge, rolling them into fists.
“That’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through, and he was your husband.
So I can’t even imagine how that must feel for you.
” He opens his hands. “I told you when you left to go out and live, and I meant it, Layla. In every way.”
He turns his body toward mine.
“Ben’s loss shouldn’t stop you from allowing yourself to care for someone else.”
“You weren’t there, Clark. You didn’t see the way she looked at me. Like… like I had betrayed Ben.”
He shakes his head.
“She might have been Ben’s mom, but she knew him the least, and you know that.
” He looks into my eyes. “Falling in love with someone else doesn’t lessen how much you loved Ben.
I was there. I know how much you both loved each other.
It took her over a year to visit you, and I’d place my bet, it wasn’t to make sure you were okay. How much money did she ask you for?”
I tighten my ponytail, then lean my head back to look up at the cloudy sky. Clark’s making too much sense, and it’s scaring me.
“She asked for me to pay for her flight.”
“Of course she did. Come on, Layla. How often was she there for Ben? How often did she call him up and ask for money? She used him like a damn ATM.”
Tears start streaming down my face.
He puts his hand on the back of my neck and pulls me into him.
“I don’t know what to do, Clark.” I sob against him.
“What do you want to do?”
My shoulders shake.
“I don’t think it’s that simple. What I want, and what’s right, what’s expected of me, are entirely different things.”
“Why can’t it be simple?” He pulls back, leans down, so he’s looking into my eyes.
“Gloria doesn’t know anything about you.
She never got to see how much you loved Ben because he didn’t want her to be a part of his life.
He put that distance there for a reason.
She doesn’t get an opinion on you, or what you choose to do, or who you choose to spend your time with.
She didn’t when you were with Ben, she sure as hell doesn’t now.
So it is that simple. It’s not about anyone else but you, Layla. ”
I wipe away my tears.
“I really hurt him.”
He opens his mouth, about to speak, then he takes a breath instead.
“We’re not talking about Ben anymore, are we?”
I shake my head and bite my lip as more tears start to fall.
He nods slowly.
“I’m sure whatever happened can be fixed.”
I shake my head again.
“It’s more complicated than that, Clark.
” I sniff. “When Gloria said all those things, I panicked, because they were all the things I feared were true. I shouldn’t be falling in love again when I’m still in love with Ben.
I’m still wearing his ring. I pushed Jacob away when I told him I wouldn’t, and then I shut it all out because I couldn’t face it. ”
He takes my hand in his, looking down at the ring Ben gave me.
“You have to let go, Layla.”
My breathing gets more rapid as I struggle to get a breath through the tears.
He pulls me into his chest again, and I cry.
“You have to let go of everything you think you should feel, and allow yourself to actually feel.”
I rest my head on his shoulder, and he puts his hand on mine.
“I’d like to meet him,” he says. “Jacob.”
“I don’t know if he’ll even want to see me again.”
Clark’s hand squeezes my shoulder.
“If he doesn’t, he’s an idiot, and you can let me meet the next one.”
I look up at him, and he smiles down at me. I shake my head and laugh. “I’ve missed you, Clark.”
“Of course you have. I’m a very missable person.” He grins. His phone buzzes. He drops his hand from my shoulder and slips it from his pocket. Glancing down at it, he sighs.
“What is it?”
“Nothing. I just have to leave soon. I’m kind of MIA at the moment, and my coach isn’t having it.”
“How’s that going?”
“Are you telling me you haven’t been watching?” He stares at me for a moment, then laughs. “The girl that was always decked out in jerseys doesn’t even turn the TV on to watch the best running back in history?”
I laugh. “I didn’t take you for delusional, Clark.”
He smirks. “Yeah, well, how the hell would you know? You don’t watch the games. You don’t get to comment on my performance.”
I laugh, leaning my back against the railing
Clark used to bring too many painful reminders of Ben, and I tried my best to distance myself from him.
Now those reminders don’t seem as painful anymore.
I find comfort in the fact that he feels Ben’s loss as deeply as I do.
Maybe that sounds cruel, to want someone else to grieve like me.
I wish neither of us had to. I wish no one had to.
But there’s something that connects people when someone they love dies.
There’s an honesty, an understanding, that can’t be found anywhere else.
He must see my face change, because he nudges my shoulder with his.
“I’ll come back again,” he says. “And next time I’ll stay longer. I want you to meet Aria.”
“Aria? What happened to Georgia?”
He shrugs. “A lot happened,” he says. “I wasn’t the easiest person to be in a relationship with.”
He doesn’t say anything more, and he doesn’t need to. Waves of guilt crash down on me, knowing how hard Clark tried to be there for me, and how much I pushed him away.
I was only thinking about what I could handle. I didn’t stop to think about him, and what he needed.
“I’m sorry, Clark.”
“Don’t be. I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago, and Aria’s been a big part of that.”
“I should have checked in on you.”
He shakes his head. “We didn’t cope well, did we?
But I don’t think there was a right or a wrong way to handle it.
I think you made the best of what you had, and I did the same.
And yeah, it would’ve made much more sense to be there for each other, but I get it.
I got it then, and I still do. You needed time, and space, and I did to.
And now, at least we can finally be honest with each other. ”
We both look along the pier, at the people walking past. Living their lives.
A dad is pushing his daughter on her bike, and I wonder if my own dad ever did that for me.
I can’t remember. It’s hard to remember a time when there wasn’t a wall built between us.
I used to want to knock it down. Now I don’t mind it as much.
If things had of been different, if he had been the hovering dad, nervous to let go of the bike, I wonder if he would have handled all the things that came after that moment with a little more compassion and openness to listen to my side of the story.
I think the problem with us is, he doesn’t hear me when I do talk. And I’m not sure that can be fixed.
“What are you thinking about?” Clark’s foot knocks against mine.
“I’m thinking that I’m finally ready to do what you told me to do when I moved here.”
He smiles at that.
“And I want you to know that I’m really, really glad you’ve stuck around this long.”
I suck in a breath and think over the next words I’m about to say, because they’re important.
“The day Ben died was the worst day of my life. I’m pretty sure it was the worst day of your life too.
But there’s one thing I’ve always been so grateful for, and it was you.
You were with him when it happened, and I don’t think you know how much comfort that brings me, that he had someone there who loved him so much.
And he loved you, Clark. He loved you like a brother.
He would be so incredibly proud of you.”
By the time I’m finished speaking, we’re both crying. Me, a little less graceful than Clark, but we’re standing here on the pier outside Harry’s breaking our hearts, because we need to.
After Ben died, I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t real.
That he would come home to me. That it was some fever dream I would wake from, and everything would be as it should be.
When I came back to Rockport, I had no idea how to pick my life back up.
And then Jacob happened. And he didn’t make me feel like I would be moving on.
He never made me feel like I had to hide Ben, or my feelings for him.
He never made me feel like he wanted me to move on from Ben.
And maybe it was that respect that made me finally let go when we were away, and it was perfect.
And then things got complicated.
And I hurt him.
And I never wanted to hurt Jacob.
I don’t know if it’s seeing Clark, and hearing him invalidate Gloria’s words, but as I cry with him, I feel like I’m letting go of the guilt, one little piece at a time.
Guilt of having breath still in my lungs.
Guilt of feeling happy.
Guilt of falling in love again, with the only other man that has ever had my heart.
I reach into my bag, and I lift out the very last journal entry. That isn’t really a journal entry. It’s a letter, to Ben.
It’s the only one I haven’t read, and it’s the only one Dad hasn’t read. I’ve kept it with me this entire time, tucked away in my purse. As I hold it in my hands, the paper feels light compared to the weight of the words written on it.
I need to give this piece away too.
I pass it to Clark and I tell him I want Gloria to read it.
I want to know that I’ve at least had a chance to tell her what Ben meant to me.
And then I want to let that part of my life go.
The part that hates her.
The part that hates myself.
The part that hates the world without Ben.
It’s time I let it go.