Chapter 6 -Allison
“Don’t forget book club tomorrow!” I call after Emalyn as she and Ronan walk out to the parking lot of Twist and Tone together. He’ll deny it but those after practice hours in the weight room are just to kill time. The same as when he joins us for pilates and book club. Excuses to see her.
He adjusts her scarf around her neck. She reaches for his hand and swings it back and forth between them as they chatter about the barbecue Tate's supposed to be making for the team dinner this week. Ronan always makes her go as his date.
Emalyn says they're just friends. Have been since high school. I didn’t believe her then and I don’t believe her now. Though it does make my own heart pang with loneliness. Being around them makes my own failures sting a little more.
Maybe if TJ and I had been best friends like that our marriage wouldn’t have been such a failure.
What do two college kids know about marriage anyways?
I wrap my own coat tighter around myself as I unlock my suv with the button on my key fob.
I do a mental checklist of what I have to do this evening and of course what I’m making for dinner.
Hudson’s favourite homemade pizza. We always have enough to take with us for lunch the next day.
I sigh, releasing the stress of the workday as I connect my audiobook and space out to my happy place for the drive home.
I’m surprised to see Tate and Hudson playing some fast card game at the kitchen table and Matty running a vacuum near the small kitchen window overlooking the backyard. I frown but put it to the back of my mind, assuming he spilled something.
“Speed!” Hudson shouts and slaps the card with both hands.
“Ah, hell.” Tate leans back in his seat. “I should’ve never shown you this game.
“Well, this is a nice surprise.” I smile at how at ease everyone is. The last time a man was in this house, everyone had to tiptoe around him. With Tate, Matty and Hudson rib him about how old and slow he is.
They all jump a little at my voice, like they’re getting caught doing something they’re not supposed to. I glance between them hesitantly. Hudson ducks his head and I immediately know they’ve done something. He always does that when he’s guilty.
I pretend I don’t notice, instead I turn and head into the kitchen. We can talk when we don’t have company.
Matty looks to his dad, who tilts his head intentionally in my direction.
“Would you like to stay for dinner? I’m making Hudson’s favourite homemade pizzas.” I say breezily like I don’t notice the intense silent conversation Tate and Matty are having.
“That would be great, as long as we aren’t intruding.” Tate says and stands from his chair. He comes around the kitchen island and his gaze heats as I take the clip out of my hair, letting it tumble down around my shoulders.
“What can I do?”
Matty takes Tate's seat at the table and avoids his gaze.
What is that about?
None of my business I suppose. Instead, I direct Tate about prepping the toppings while I make the dough. This is Hudson’s favourite part but for some reason he’s squirming in his seat. Matty says something quietly to him but snaps back around when he sees me watching them.
Tate and I work quietly assembling the pizzas. I catch Tate giving each boy a pointed look when he thinks I'm not looking. He leans down and puts the pizzas in the oven.
“Okay.” I prop a hip against the counter, “Who’s gonna tell me what’s going on?”
Instead of answering for the boys, Tate stands taller as he wipes his hands on a towel, keeping his gaze on them. He comes to stand beside me, crosses his arms and gives them a single nod.
Oh my God. My entire body lights on fire at the warmth of him next to me. Why is that so hot?
No. Bad Alli. No Athletes. We know how this ends.
Hudson speaks first, his words bursting past his lips like it was killing him to hold them in. “It was my fault, mom. I’m so sorry.”
“No, it was my fault. I should've turned the other way with the bat, but I didn’t think about it.” Matty rubs his forehead.
“Yes, but I threw it,” Hudson argues.
“But I'm the one who hit it.” Matty argues back. My head is ping ponging between them as they argue about who did whatever it is they did.
Now Tate waiting with the boys at my house instead of theirs is starting to make sense.
I’m glancing around, confused, trying to see what looks different.
The pictures are still on the walls. My foster mother's vase is still on the coffee table— unfortunately.
I wish that would get broken “accidentally”, so I don't have to keep it out when they insist on coming for a visit like last week.
“It really was my fault, mom. Please don’t make me stop hanging out with Matty.” Hudson’s plea snaps me back to the moment.
“Yea, it was an accident I swear.” Matty pleads. My heart melts a little.
I give him a soft smile. “I can tell you boys are truly sorry. I’m not upset but I still don’t know what happened. Can someone explain it to me? Slowly.”
Tate rests a hand on my shoulder, and the warmth of his hand seeps through the thin fabric of my blouse to my skin. He turns me around so I’m looking out my kitchen window and points a finger to where a baseball bat still lays. “The boys were playing ball in my backyard, right there.”
“Okay…” I’m still not understanding the issue though. “So?”
Tate chuckles and tells the boys over his shoulder. “I guess we did a pretty good replacement job. She can’t even tell the difference.”
I just raise a brow waiting for them to spit it out. Hudson finally answers. “We broke the window. But we went with Tate to the store and we helped replaced it. He taught me how to measure it and everything.”
My mouth drops open in shock.
He what?
I look back at the window, closer examining it this time. The glass is a little cleaner, and I can see a little bit of the dust that Matty missed.
That’s why he was vacuuming.
When I look back to Hudson he gives me a sheepish smile.
“So….I'm just... gonna show Matty my other game… Upstairs...” He backs away and pulls Matty with him.
“Dinner is in ten minutes!” I call after him. They’re already out of sight upstairs.
“I’m so sorry about this.” I say gesturing to the window. “I’ll pay you back the cost of the window.”
“What?” His head rears back like I slapped him. “Matty’s the one who broke it. Not to mention, I was glad to help. I won’t accept any money from you, Allison.” The stern way he says my name sends a shiver through me.
He notices.
I want to argue more but the way his sapphire eyes bore into me keeps my voice trapped. Instead, I nod absently.
My eyes fall to his lips. He’s standing close enough that I can smell his cologne and faint undertone of smoke. He leans in, only slightly.
Like my body is compelled by some outside source, it mimics his movement, nearly meeting him in the middle.
When my gaze meets his again, the hunger there makes me take a sharp inhale.
The oven timer beeps, shattering the moment.
“Oh.” I feel my cheeks burn bright. I press my palms to them to try and cool them as I brush past Tate.
“Alli.”
My hands are shaking, making me struggle to put the poinsettia covered oven mitts on. A large hand covers both of mine.
“Alli. Look at me.” His voice is low and soft.
I glance to my right, toward the stairs. He doesn’t look. “They’re upstairs. Is that what’s wrong?”
I still don’t answer, not trusting my voice. It’s been so long since I’ve been with a man. Since I've been kissed. For my neighbour to be the first? My heart rate spikes all over again. A niggle of self-doubt wiggles in. He probably wasn’t even trying to kiss me.
A finger under my chin tips my face up to his and I’m met with concerned sapphire eyes.
“Tate, I—“I cut myself off because i’m not even sure what to say. I want him. I know I'm not in any position to lower my defences right now though.
“I’m listening.” He says it gently. It seems like it means so much more than that.
My eyes bounce between his, looking for something, though I’m not sure what. My breath stutters under the intensity of his gaze. Somehow, he makes it both hard to breathe and… easier.
When that finger still under my chin turns to a light grip that brings me closer to him, my eyes flutter close of their own accord. I feel his minty breath fan over my parted lips. Warmth coils low in my belly in anticipation. Just an inch away… all I would have to do is…
Loud thuds sound overhead as there are two sets of footsteps racing down the stairs.
My eyes flutter open at the loss of his warmth. His hooded gaze stays on me as he calmly takes two large steps away from me.
He’s making it hard to remember why I need to stay away.
The boys come downstairs and fly into the kitchen to wash their hands before dinner. Tate serves up slices of pizza, and chats with them easily. He even gets Matty and Hudson involved in the clean-up process. And the whole time, I’m thinking of that almost kiss.
Hudson and I walk them to the door and wish them goodnight.
I’m hovering by the doorway as if Tate would or even could give me a kiss goodbye.
Especially not in front of the boys, who are also saying goodbye just to say something else.
They hug again like they also don’t want to part.
When they walk into their home next door and I shut ours, it feels a little emptier.
I sigh but kiss Hudson’s head. He grins up at me. He goes on and on about Matty.
“Thanks for not being mad at us, mom.” He smiles up at me after I’ve gone through the bedtime routine and tucked him into bed.
“Hudson, even if I was mad, I will always love you. Doing good things won’t make me love you more and doing bad things won’t make me love you less. I always love you, sweetheart. Just for being Hudson.”
“I know mom.” He leans his head against my hand that’s stroking his cheek. He’s quiet for a moment and I wonder what’s on his little heart.
I don’t have to wonder for long. Hudson doesn’t keep much to himself.
“I’m just glad Mr. Tate didn’t yell at me or Matty for breaking the window. He didn’t fuss at us or anything. I was really scared he would.” He says earnestly with wide eyes. My heart aches for the pain my marriage caused him. I wish I could go back and do things differently for him.
“I’m sorry, Hudson.” I pet his golden blonde hair. He has always taken after me as far as looks. His personality is all himself though. “I know Dad yelled a lot. I’m sorry that’s the first thing he taught you to expect out of people when you make a mistake.”
“I... I just thought it was all dads. You don’t yell, and my teachers don’t yell.
Coach Mack yells sometimes but that sports, you know?
We have to be tough.” He shrugs one shoulder.
He gives me a guilty look like he’s about to confess to another broken window.
“I’m sort of… glad he cancelled this weekend.
I don’t really like going to his house.”
“Okay.”
“Wait... you’re not mad?”
“Why would I be?” A small frown pushes my brows together.
“Um, I don’t know. Do I still have to keep going?” He asks, pushing himself onto his elbows.
“Honestly, I’m not sure yet.” I try not to lie. I can’t offer up the information that TJ may not want to be his dad anymore.
I don’t even know how to deliver that news in the first place. The idea of telling him only to have to take it back later seems like a worse scenario anyways.
The look of hope that crosses his face breaks my heart.
“Hudson… Your dad… or anyone visiting there, never make you scared, do they?”
“Sometimes when Dad yells, I get a little scared. He never does it when his friends are around though.” He says it as if to say don’t worry.
“Okay, thank you for telling me.” I give him a small smile despite the way my heart aches and decide to read him one more book. That way he won’t go to bed with those thoughts in his head.
I stay until Hudson’s fallen asleep and dreaming. I get cosy in my blue silk pajamas and comb out my hair.
Only once I'm finally under my cool white sheets do I lay back on the pillow and let the events of the day play through my head like a movie.
I fall asleep with my fingertips pressed to my almost kissed lips and the memory of his breath on my face.