Chapter 18
CHAPTER
EIGHTEEN
Elliott
My daughter’s words are like a punch to the gut.
“I want Emelia to do it.”
All eyes shift in Emelia’s direction.
She looks surprised, but not—I notice—uncomfortable with the request.
Still, Baylor isn’t her responsibility. “I’ll put you back to bed.”
“I can do it,” Emelia says, stepping forward.
My brothers part, watching her walk across the kitchen as if she’s got some kind of halo hovering over her head.
“You don’t have to—”
“I want to.” She squeezes my shoulder in an “it’s okay” gesture.
Her hand is only on me for a second or two tops, but it’s enough to send a spike of desire coursing through my body.
“I was just about to go to bed anyway.” She leans over, swooping Baylor up, who rests her head on Emelia’s shoulder the minute she’s in her arms.
My chest aches from the natural ease with which they move around each other.
Emelia stops at the edge of the room, facing us with Baylor plastered to her like a koala bear, and I don’t think I’m breathing. “Thanks for a fun evening, guys.”
The three of us watch, speechless, as she walks my daughter down the hallway.
Both my brothers’ heavy gazes fall on me.
Not wanting their attention, I spin and walk over to the fridge. “Let’s get that fire going. Who wants another beer?”
“I’m in. Hollis is my DD,” Ansel says, and I’m thankful that, for once, he doesn’t say anything smart-ass about what we just witnessed.
I grab two beers and shut the fridge door. “Let’s go.”
We put our jackets on and head outside to the middle of the lawn where the firepit rests, surrounded by Adirondack chairs. Ansel, being the fireman, declares it’s his job to get the fire going. Hollis says his job is to put out fires, not start them, but we can’t argue. Ansel makes one great fire.
Ansel and I take a pull off our beers while Hollis pulls a pack of cigarettes from the inside pocket of his Carhartt jacket.
“You gotta quit that shit.” I nod toward the pack in his hands.
Hollis allows himself one a day, which I suppose is better than being a pack-a-day smoker, but still. One a day? Just give it up already. Not to mention, he ends up having to buy a pack every week because they get stale. Waste of money and bad for your health.
Hollis knocks one out of the pack and holds it between his lips, sliding the pack back into his jacket.
“Don’t worry about me.” He fishes a lighter out of his other pocket and lights the cigarette, inhaling with his eyes closed, then leaning back in his seat when he blows out the smoke.
“You should probably worry about yourself.”
My forehead wrinkles. “What the hell does that mean?”
“You like her. Like, really like her.” Ansel looks at me over his beer as he takes a pull.
“I love my daughter.” I look between my brothers, who now have serious expressions on their faces. I’m not entertaining this conversation.
“Oh, this is the game we’re playing?” Ansel rests his ankle on his opposite knee.
Hollis blows another ring of smoke into the night sky, waiting instead of poking. All three of us couldn’t be more different.
“I’ve known her a few weeks,” I say.
“And?” Ansel arches an eyebrow.
“And that’s not how it works.” I bring my beer to my lips.
“That’s exactly how it works for guys like us.” Ansel sets his beer on the arm of his chair. “We hold out and we hold out, and then one day someone walks in and holding out stops being a choice.”
“You speaking from experience?”
“We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you.”
“Well, you sound like a fucking country song.” I take another pull of my beer, wishing I hadn’t offered up the firepit.
“He sounds right.” The end of the cigarette flares as Hollis takes a drag.
I meet his gaze over the orange flames, but he only keeps his eyes on me.
“Don’t start.” My voice holds all the irritation and frustration living inside me.
Hollis raises both hands, the cigarette butt still between his thumb and pointer. “I haven’t started.”
“You’re about to.”
“I’m not. Ansel is going to start because he’s better at it. I’m just here for closing remarks.”
Ansel snorts. I’d laugh too if I wasn’t the target.
As it is, it’s all I can do not to shift uncomfortably and act as if their words don’t strike a chord in me.
“She’s leaving.” There. That should be the end of this conversation.
We’ve all been here. A woman comes into town for the summer or on vacation. A fling here or there, then they’re gone. When I say “we,” I mean more Ansel and Hollis—I’ve had a daughter to care for. But all the locals have their summer flings.
“That’s what you’re stuck on?” Ansel nods slowly, as though now this is making sense.
“Yes, because it’s the relevant part.”
“It’s the convenient part.” His voice drops.
“It lets you off the hook. Because if she’s leaving, then nothing you feel about her matters.
You don’t have to face it, see what it could be.
As long as you tell yourself it’s temporary, you don’t have to deal with your feelings.
You can just push them off, not act on it, wait for her to leave, and then tell yourself you were right, rather than putting yourself out there and fighting for it… seeing what it could be.”
“That’s not—”
“It is, though.” Ansel waits for me to argue with him while Hollis studies me with his steady gaze.
I blow out a breath and rake my hand through my hair.
I don’t know exactly what I am with Emelia, but I’m in something with her. My mind wanders to her when I’m supposed to be doing something else. I’m physically drawn to her in a way I’ve never been with anyone before. And she’s the only person I’ve really opened up to in years.
“Baylor’s already invested,” Hollis chimes in.
If it wasn’t obvious before, it is now. When my daughter looked at Emelia with such innocence and asked her to put her back to bed, it was like a dream come true and a nightmare all at once.
It’s no secret that Baylor worships the ground Emelia walks on, but I was hoping it was more in a big sister way than a maternal one.
“If I try to start something up with Emelia and it doesn’t work out, Baylor will be heartbroken, and it’ll be my fault for letting it get so far.”
“Or…” I cut Ansel a look, but he just presses on.
“Or…you’re a single dad who’s spent the past five years alone, and you’ve actually stumbled on someone you’re into, so instead of pulling away from that feeling, you allow yourself to sink into it.
Not just for yourself, but for your daughter.
Maybe the version you’ve created in your head, where you ignore this thing between you and Emelia to protect Baylor, is just an excuse to protect yourself. ”
“What are you, firefighter turned therapist?” I look at Hollis, who nods as though Ansel is right. I rub my hand over my face. “That’s a hell of a thing to say.”
“You’re using Baylor as a shield.” Hollis’s quiet voice comes out of the darkness.
“You’ve been doing so for a long time. Not just with Emelia, but with everyone.
Baylor is the reason you can’t come out, she’s the reason you can’t have a guys’ weekend, she’s the reason you can’t get into a relationship, she’s the reason you don’t want anything about this town to change.
She’s an amazing kid, and you’re an equally amazing father to her, but she’s also the wall you hide behind. ”
“That’s not fair.”
“It’s not unfair either.” He holds my gaze and tosses his cigarette into the fire.
“I’m not saying some of what you’re saying isn’t valid, but doing right by your daughter isn’t the reason you’ve structured your life the way you have.
It’s not from love for your daughter, it’s from fear.
And I think Emelia is the first person in five years who makes you want to push past that fear, and that makes it even scarier.
Because if you do, you might just prove that everything you’ve ever told yourself is wrong. ”
My chest tightens, and I swallow the dryness in my throat.
Fucking Hollis. He always somehow manages to cut to the heart of whatever it is.
I think of all the times in my life that I’ve been left—our mother, our father, Kate. Then I think of the pain and devastation that came along with their absences, though the circumstances were all different. Yeah, I don’t want to experience any of those feelings again. Who the hell would?
Then I consider how lonely I’ve been and how I didn’t even realize how much that loneliness coated me like paint until Emelia arrived in town. She makes me want to explore things I haven’t dared to since Kate left Baylor and me.
Yes, I owe it to my daughter to protect her, but leaning into this thing with Emelia…it’s starting to feel inevitable. Maybe it can be something, maybe it can’t. I don’t know.
The tightness in my chest increases. There’s that fear my brother is talking about.
I look across the fire at Hollis. “That was a lot.”
Hollis nods, studying me. “It was.”
I stare into the flames for a couple of minutes, and no one says a thing. “I don’t know where to begin.”
“Just see what happens. Don’t act like you know the ending of the story before you’ve even turned the page on the first chapter.” Hollis holds my gaze.
Now I’m the one nodding. “I can try.”
“See? That’s why Hols is on the cleanup crew.” Ansel chuckles and finishes off his beer.
Hollis stands and stretches. “I’m gonna drive Ansel home. He gets emotional after midnight.”
Ansel glares at our brother. “Fuck you. Did you hear yourself right now?”
“Humor wasn’t going to cut it. And you are emotional. Want me to show you the dog commercial?”
Ansel pops up out of his chair, pointing at Hollis. “Those dogs have been through a lot.”
Hollis and I chuckle.
I get up and walk them along the side of the house to where Hollis’s truck is parked.
Hollis claps me on the shoulder. “Thanks for a good night.”
“Thanks for the deep thoughts,” I manage.
He chuckles and climbs into the truck.
“Hey,” Ansel says, drawing my attention. “For what it’s worth, she was looking at you the same way you looked at her tonight. You’re not alone in this.”
What does he want me to do with that information? The attraction has been clear, but I’ve been a royal dick to the woman, and now I’m supposed to try to date her? With one hand in my pocket, I wave goodbye to them as the truck reverses down the driveway.
Then I make sure the fire is out, go inside, and lock the doors before heading to bed. I force myself not to look at the door to the guest room, not to imagine what Emelia might look like tucked into bed, fast asleep in that white tank top and boxers.
Behind that door is a woman I’m finally able to admit I want desperately, but I still have no idea what to do with that knowledge. Maybe admitting it is the first step, and from here, I just have to see what happens.