Chapter 26
CHAPTER
TWENTY-SIX
Emelia
Ihead out to the bunkie after dinner to Zoom with my parents.
The beam has been fixed, so the rest of the repairs are ready to be started. It’s still missing part of the roof in the walk-in closet, so I can’t sleep here yet, but it’s enough to give me privacy for the call to my parents.
I texted my mom earlier to see if they’d both be available, and I already sent them the Zoom link. All I have to do is log on.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t feel like such a simple task at the moment.
In fact, it feels downright terrifying. I steel myself and click the button to enter the Zoom and see that my parents are already in the waiting room.
My stomach feels as though it’s in a rolling boil when I click the button to admit them.
Their faces appear on the screen, smiling, and something about seeing them—so happy and so familiar—makes me want to burst into tears.
“Hey, how’s it going?” My mom warmly smiles.
As a young girl, I thought my mom was so beautiful and wished that when I grew up, I’d be as pretty as she is one day. I can also remember the supreme disappointment when I was old enough to realize that would never happen because I don’t share any genes with her.
She’s still beautiful, even all these years later, approaching sixty.
“It’s good. It reminds me a lot of home, actually. Lots of forests and fresh air.”
“Is that longing I hear in your voice? I think you miss home?” my dad asks. He’s always angling to get me to return to Alaska.
I smile. “That’s not what I’m saying, Dad.”
My mom shakes her head and places her hand on my dad’s knee. “You know your father. He’s never going to give up trying to get you back home.”
“Every time we speak.”
My mom and I laugh.
“I have every right. You’re all bundled up. Don’t you have heat?” My dad frowns.
“Actually, I had to temporarily move out of the bunkie, so the heat hasn’t been turned up.” I tell them about the storm and the felled tree, as well as how Elliott offered his guest room to me until the repairs are complete.
“So now you’re staying in a house with a complete stranger?” My dad cringes. I should have expected that.
I roll my eyes. My dad has always been a little overprotective when it comes to me and the opposite sex. “Him and his daughter, yes. It’s not a big deal.”
“I don’t want him taking advantage of you. Make sure you lock your bedroom door at night. And you have that pepper spray, right?” He arches an eyebrow.
“Yes, Dad.”
If he only knew.
I glance at my mom. She’s been pretty quiet about my new living arrangements, and I see something on her face that makes me think she might have some idea what’s really going on. I choose to ignore it, and she’d never bring it up in front of my dad.
We chat about what my siblings are up to, and when the conversation comes to a natural lull, my bottom lip quivers as I push back tears.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” my mom asks. I hate that look of concern. I don’t deserve it.
My dad straightens in his chair.
“I got a call from the doctor.” My mom’s hand flies up to cover her mouth, and I raise both hands to stop her mind from going where it doesn’t need to. “I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I tell them what the doctor said and how I’ll get my blood tested again once I return to Boston.
“That all sounds promising. If anything changes, you let us know,” my mom says.
“If you’re fine, why do you look so pale?” my dad asks.
I shift on the bed, twirling the ring on my middle finger around and around and around, a sure sign that I’m anxious. “Because I have to talk to you about something, and I’m afraid to.”
“You can talk to us about anything, you know that.” My mom’s head tilts.
I nod. “I know that. I’m just afraid I’m going to hurt you with what I need to talk to you about.”
“What’s going on, Em?” my dad asks, his forehead wrinkling.
I swallow past the growing lump in my throat.
“When the doctor called to tell me about the blood test, one of the things she asked was about my maternal line and whether there were any autoimmune diseases on that side. Obviously, I didn’t know the answer to the question, and I’ve been bothered by it. ”
At the mention of my biological mother, my parents look at one another before looking back at me.
“And not just because I’m missing a valuable part of my health history, but because…
because I don’t know where I come from.” Tears form in my eyes, and I try to blink them away, but the next time I blink, one slips down my cheek.
“I love you both so much, and I had a wonderful upbringing. It has nothing to do with that. But there are times when I just don’t feel like I fit.
And it’s not because of anything anyone has ever said or done.
I’ve just always been aware that my situation is different from Josh’s or Peyton’s, and I know you love us all the same.
I do, I swear…it’s just that the older I get, the more difficult it’s become, knowing nothing about the woman who gave birth to me. ”
I’m met with silence, and my mom reaches for my dad’s hand. More tears rush down my cheeks, and I wipe them away quickly, trying to suck them back.
“Em, honey, it’s okay. It’s okay.” My dad looks as though he wants to reach through the screen and wrap me in one of his bear hugs.
“You were the best mom…and I’ve tried to get over this feeling.
But when the doctor brought up Tanya’s side, I don’t know, it made it obvious to me that I had to try to find out more.
So I went on social media, and I found someone who’s related to her.
I haven’t spoken to her yet, though, because I wanted to talk to you guys first.”
From their shocked expressions, they’re surprised I’ve already tried to find out more.
“Emelia, you don’t need our permission.” My mom’s voice is soft and soothing. It reminds me of when I’d butt heads with my dad about something in high school—usually boy-related—and she’d try to make peace between us.
“I know, but I can’t move forward with it unless I know you guys are okay with it.” I sniffle.
“Of course we’re okay with it. Right, Jed?” My mom looks at my dad, who nods.
“If this is something you need for yourself, then do it. And we’ll be there to support you in any way we can,” he says.
“A hundred percent,” my mom adds, her understanding smile warm. I really wish I were with them right now, to feel their arms around me.
My dad frowns. “I’m sorry we didn’t talk about her, sweetheart. The truth is, I didn’t really know her, so I didn’t have anything I could say.”
I nod. “I know.”
“But we should have made sure you understood that door was open. I think we thought that bringing it up would upset you. We didn’t realize that our actions had the reverse effect,” Dad continues.
My mom’s eyes fill with tears.
“Mom, please don’t cry.”
“I’m not crying because you want to find out more information about Tanya’s side, because of course you do.
I’m upset because we should have known, or at the very least, asked you.
Yes, we thought it was best, and maybe in some ways it was what you wanted too, but you were a child.
Of course you were scared to say anything to us. ”
My dad’s shoulders slump. “We should have approached you about your mother once you were older. Even if we didn’t know much about her, we should’ve initiated the conversation so you’d know you could talk to us about it if you wanted to.”
My chest squeezes. This is exactly what I was afraid of.
“The reason I didn’t say anything isn’t because I felt like I couldn’t.
It’s because I didn’t want this to happen.
I didn’t want you guys to blame yourselves.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You did everything right.
I had a wonderful life, a loving family growing up, because of you both.
Please don’t feel bad. That’ll just make me feel worse. ”
My mom gathers herself as she always does.
“So you guys aren’t upset with me for wanting to know more about Tanya?” I hold my breath while I wait for their answer.
“Of course not,” my dad says.
“Mom?”
She shakes her head, lips pressed together as though she’s trying to stop herself from crying. “No, honey, not at all. We fully support you in this, and we know you love us. Just like you know we love you, right?”
I nod, holding back my tears.
There’s a brief, awkward pause, then my dad asks, “So who is this woman you’ve found who knew Tanya?”
“Apparently, she would be a cousin to Tanya, but I don’t know any more than that at this point.
Like I said, I wanted to talk to you guys first before I dug any further.
” I debate what to say next, then force myself to speak the words.
If we’re going to be open about this topic, then I need to honor that.
“The woman who put me in touch with this person went to high school with Tanya. She…she sent me some pictures of Tanya back in high school.”
“Oh.” My mom presses her hand to her chest. “That must be emotional, looking at those. How are you feeling?”
In that moment, I know that whatever transpires with my search for information will be fine. My mom won’t hold it against me. In fact, she’ll be rooting me on and supporting me the whole way.
“It was. I didn’t realize how much I needed to see what she looked like until I saw them.”
She smiles. “Can you send them to me?”
I still. “You want to see the pictures?”
“Of course. I want to know what the woman who gave me the greatest gift of my life looks like.”
I smile because I am so lucky to have her as my mom. “Yeah, I’ll send them over to you once we hang up.”
“Great.”
We talk for a while longer, and my parents ask more questions before they make me promise to keep them in the loop.
When I close my laptop after our call, I breathe a sigh of relief. I think I didn’t realize how much that was weighing on me, because I feel lighter now. Emotional still, but lighter. Kind of how you feel after you have a good cathartic cry.
I make my way back to the house. When I get inside, I set my laptop on the kitchen table, then go into the family room, where Elliott is watching television.
He has a concerned look on his face as soon as he sees me. “How did it go?”
I walk toward the couch. “You were right. They were great about it.”
Elliott gives me a soft smile. “I’m happy to hear that. Feel better?” He pats the couch, and I sit beside him.
“Much better.” I can’t resist the urge to lean into him, so I do, wrapping my arm around his waist. “Is this okay?”
“Yeah, of course.” He lifts his arm and wraps it around me. “Why would you ask that, after what we shared today?”
I lift my head to look at him. “Baylor could wake up and come out of her room at any moment.”
His face softens. “I’d hear her door open. No worries.”
I nod and press my cheek back to his chest, right where I want to be.