Chapter 37
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
“With your knees bent, take as deep of a breath that feels comfortable to you, releasing anything that’s holding you back in this moment.
If it doesn’t serve you right now, let it go with your breath.
If your mind wanders, you can explore where it leads you if you want, but try to come back to your breath.
Focus on the sensation of your back resting on the floor, feel your spine along your mat, maybe gently press your heels into the floor if that feels comfortable to you, grounding you in this reclined rest position.
” Yoga with Cami feels like a warm hot tub with the jets on, subtly massaging my muscles, but never pushing too much or too fast. It’s never too hot to burn, it’s always the right temperature, and it’s always just … nice.
Cami herself is nice, and I’m finding myself increasingly grateful for her friendship, even before I consider how much I’ve come to look forward to her yoga sessions.
My days are filled with various physical therapists that I’m working with multiple times a week, and it all can easily feel overwhelming and frustrating.
It has been thirty-five days since the accident, and even with everyone saying I am healing well and doing great—it’s not enough.
I’m not back.
I’m not whole.
I’m still stuck. I can’t take a big breath like usual.
There’s no way I could perform a full set with all the movement around stage, let alone walk around carrying my guitar and singing when I can’t properly control my breath.
Jack and Wells have both vowed that I will get back to my previous capacity, if not better, and I believe them most days, but it still really sucks to sit in the in between.
In between who I was and who I will be one day.
In between the accident and having answers.
In between having my best friend and the nightmare of existing without her presence in my life.
I know it could’ve all been worse—God, do I know that and am reminded every single day when I think of Fiona—but that tragic loss doesn’t eliminate my own injuries.
A loud groan next to me pulls me from my spiral—almost making me laugh.
Cami’s best friend Cara joined us for this session, and while I don’t know Cara well, she is a ball buster, and I might love her.
“Keep that shit up, Cami, and I’m going to fall asleep here.
You can pick up Mila and Dante from school, or text Max. He’ll handle it.”
Cami rolls her eyes and bites back a giggle. “As we come back to ourselves and the room, thank you for honoring your body and showing up for yourself today. Whatever that looked like, it was just what you needed. Namaste.”
“Na-ma-stay on this floor and take a nap,” Cara adds and I lose it, breaking into laughter. Forget a pity party, she’s more fun.
Allie busts a gut from the other side of me. “You have no filter, do you?” Cara shakes her head with a grin.
“How did I go this long without meeting you?” I ask her. She lives downstairs with her boyfriend Max, one of Jack’s best friends that works with him and Wells at Lux. I’ve known Max forever, and I knew he was dating someone, but I didn’t know she was this fabulous.
She shrugs. “They probably didn’t want to scare you away. It’s the New Yorker in me.”
Cami bursts out laughing. “You aren’t even from New York!” Cara shrugs.
“What?! Make it make sense!” Allie declares, looking back and forth between the friends.
“Oh, yeah. I forget I don’t have to sell that bullshit.” She looks at me and waves her hand like she’s shooing away a fly. “Don’t worry about it. It’s a different story for another day. All that matters is that it’s a happy ending, or will be, one day.”
“It will be, Cara.” Cami reaches over and squeezes her hand.
They don’t offer more information, and I’m realizing I’m okay with not having all the details when it comes to them.
They somehow make it okay to not have all the answers, and I’m not quite sure how they do it.
Cami oozes enough zen and calm that I think they could casually mention they have a pet tyrannosaurs rex that wears a pink bow without any context, and I would just nod and smile.
We wrap up our yoga session, promising to do it again soon, and head back downstairs as Cami and Cara both have to get to their regular jobs.
Cara is the same woman that brought Sprinkles to town and I love her for those muffins alone, and that’s before I realized she was a sassy queen too.
When Cami mentioned having Cara and Allie join our sessions occasionally when I felt up to it, I asked her to make it happen as soon as it worked with Cara’s schedule, and I’m glad it was sooner than later.
I’m cutting up an apple to add to a salad when my brother’s name pops up on my cell phone’s screen.
I haven’t seen him since the funeral last week, but that almost feels like a small step back into a normal routine—to not have him hovering over me every second of the day.
I love my brother, but I think we function better with some breathing room.
It was nice seeing him so much but him watching me like a hawk was throwing me off balance a bit.
He had started to monitor my caffeine intake, and that was like a shot of war. Granted, he’s so smart it’s not like he needed a notepad or spreadsheet to keep track, but still. Leave my coffee alone and everyone can be happy.
“Hey, broseph. What’s up?” I put my phone on speaker so I can finish putting together my salad for lunch.
I have an hour before the next physical therapist comes and I don’t even know which one is next, but Allie keeps them all straight for me.
She’ll be back up here from my brother’s loft in the next half hour or so. “Where in the world are you today?”
“Hey, Tinsley. I’m in London again. Where are you right now?” He sounds calm—too calm—and all my hackles go up. It’s also an odd question—he knows where I am in general. He didn’t ask what I was doing; he asked where I physically was.
I still and set the knife down, picking up my phone and leaning against the counter. “I’m in Jack’s penthouse in Forrest Falls. What’s wrong?”
“Are you alone?”
My eyebrows scrunch at his response. He didn’t answer my question.
Something is wrong. “Yeah, Allie will be back in half an hour or so. She’s down in your loft showering after some yoga we did with Cami and Cara.
Why? Wells. What. Is. Wrong?” I articulate each word as though that will force him to answer.
He pauses—when has my brother ever hesitated to tell me anything? “It’s Mom.”
Oh, great. “Lovely. What did she do now? Is it another interview?”
My brother blows out a big breath on the other end of the phone. “She’s gone, Tins.”
Wait. What?
“Gone? Like gone … where?” My voice waivers with the last word like a child’s.
“The cleaning crew showed up to her house this morning and rang the doorbell—I guess Rick didn’t allow them to have keys to the house.
No one answered, but they looked inside and …
they saw Mom in the living room. The police found her body this morning, slumped over on her living room couch.
She died, Tinsley. They think she … died last night, but we’ll know more after they investigate. ”
“What? She was just … dead and alone?” I can’t wrap my head around this news, but the idea of her body sitting in their living room alone—dead—overnight is jarring to me.
“I know.”
I quickly shake my head, like I need to wake up from this twilight zone or will be able to find logic somehow if I clear the cobwebs of this information that is not making any sense to me. “What about Rick?”
Wells would’ve led with that news if we were lucky enough for that asshole to be dead.
“Good question—and one of my first ones too, after … well, what happened, of course. The local authorities haven’t been able to locate him and neighbors haven’t seen him in a few days.
Somewhere, I was listed as next of kin for notifications.
Apparently, the last confirmed sighting of Rick at their house was by a neighbor sometime late last week, with a possible sighting the next evening, but the next-door neighbor wasn’t positive it was Rick or maybe just Rick’s car. ”
“What happened? Like, how did she … you know…” I can’t say the words.
She’s dead.
My mother is dead?
This can’t be real.
“I don’t know that answer yet. There weren’t any physical signs of trauma or any blood that they could see, but she had plenty of bottles of booze around.
So, honestly, Tinsley, who knows? We are both more than aware of how much she drank on a typical day.
It’s probably impressive she lived as long as she did with how shitty of a job she did taking care of herself. ”
“But where’s Rick? Why wasn’t he there? What if she needed help and he could’ve done something? Why isn’t he there now? Why were the cops calling you instead of that asshole?”
“I don’t know. The cops want to talk to him to see if he knew anything, because as of now, her death is technically an unattended death, but so far, they haven’t been able to reach him or even find him.
Because of her drinking history, there’s a good chance it was some kind of overdose or alcohol related issue that caused her death, but an autopsy will tell them more. ”
What the hell?
“An autopsy, Wells? Is that really necessary to cut her open like that?” I might be sick.
“Yeah, I think so. They have to investigate, and to be honest, Tinsley, I need answers too. I don’t want to wonder what could have caused it, especially when I still have more questions than answers about Dad’s death.
I want to know exactly what caused this instead of just assuming it was her drinking, even though it probably was.
I can make peace with that, but I need to know what happened to our mother. Don’t you?”
“I don’t … I don’t know what I need right now, Wells.”
“I’m sorry. I know this is all complicated with how …
well, let’s be frank, how shitty of a mother Bridget was after our father passed, but at the end of the day, she was still our mother.
You don’t remember the days before, but she wasn’t always like that.
And if there is even a remote chance that something is suspicious with her death, then I want to know—and I want justice if anyone else had anything to do with her death.
She may have been a shit mom, but she was still our mom. ”
“Yeah, I know, I’m just…”
“Shocked.”
I nod, and then realize he can’t see me. I clear my throat, trying to find my voice. “Yeah, that’s it. I need to call Jack.”
“I already called him. He was finished with his meeting in Nashville and immediately started heading your way. I told him you would call him after I talked to you.” I nod again to the empty room.
“Wells, if this ends up being just because of her drinking or whatever, and nothing was shady about it, I’m telling you right now, I will not go to her funeral with him there. I can’t do it.” I close my eyes as tears threaten to fall—but not for my mother—for the idea of facing Rick at her funeral.
My stomach churns and I’m glad I got this call before I had food in my stomach that I could have thrown up.
“I know, Tinsley. I would never put you in that situation. If that’s how this all shakes out, we’ll either do something just us, or …
just not. Rick can do whatever the hell he wants.
I don’t consider him part of our family, so I don’t consider him part of anything we decide to do or not do as we process this all. ”
Oh, thank God. I exhale and my shoulders lower. I hadn’t realized they were up almost by my jaw.
“Thank you, Wells.”
“I’ve got you. I’ll be on a flight back to the states probably later today. I don’t know when quite yet, but I’ll send you a text when I do. We will get answers and go from there. Alright?”
I nod again. “Okay. I love you.”
“Love you too, Tins. We’ll talk soon.”
I’ll need my brother—but right now, I need my Jack.