Chapter Four
I stretched out on the lawn chair, the cool air making me shiver. Tucking the throw blanket around my legs, I leaned back and stared at the glowing stars. The sun was beginning to rise, peeking over the trees.
I drew in a deep breath, letting the cold air nip at my lungs, waking me up further. I spent all night trying to recenter myself after the little bomb Paxon and Toby dropped on me. The support they shared for me.
The warm excited emotions they invoked within. And the confusion that came with it.
My phone slipped onto my lap from my loosened grip, and I picked it back up, the lock screen lighting up to the alerts of the unread messages from Dad.
There were a couple of them. He had to go back to Nevada for work. And I had managed to talk myself into believing that he wasn’t going to come back. He left before. No matter what my therapist said, he could easily be gone from my life again.
No matter how much he promised he’d be back. I couldn’t believe him. And I was too chickenshit to read his messages. To either be disappointed or to read false promises.
I didn’t want either of them. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I could feel that. Once he broke one of those promises he seemed to so easily give me, I’d shatter. I wasn’t so sure I’d be able to come back from that again.
“You seem to be thinking really hard right now.”
I jumped and turned to see Paxon coming out with his own blanket. He settled into the seat next to me, wrapping himself up.
“You should be sleeping,” I said, looking back up at the sky.
“Same with you. Here.” He held his black beanie out to me. “It’s too cold out. Your ears will get cold.”
“Do you sleep with these?” I asked, stretching the soft hat over my head, pulling it down far enough to cover my ears. They were cold. I hadn’t noticed.
Paxon leaned forward and adjusted it until my ears were fully covered. “They’re a comfort. Otherwise, my hair is a bit wild.”
I hummed and went back to staring at the sky.
“What’s on your mind?” he asked.
What’s on my mind? A million and one thoughts with no idea what to do with them.
“What you did to Benji wasn’t right. You basically obliterated him.”
“It needed to be done.”
“And all the things you said afterward?”
“Cadence, every last word we said, we meant. It isn’t their business and they need to realize that. They’ve already gone too far. More than once. We couldn’t just leave it.”
“He’s your teammate. And was one of your friends.”
“It’s because he used to be my friend that I can’t let it go. So I’m going to handle him. Before he goes too far and before he hurts you.”
“You truly think it’d get that far?” I asked in a lower voice.
“If you had asked me that question before last weekend, I would have said no easily. But then someone at our school decided it was a brilliant idea to send those guys after you. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. That someone was that…I don’t even know. That they wanted to be that hurtful. And why?”
I could feel him spinning out of control as he talked.
“Paxon?” I grabbed his thigh and squeezed, hoping to get his attention.
He grabbed my hand, entwining our fingers together. His touch was reaffirming and comfortable, grip strong. When Paxon finally met my eyes, his were haunted, a dark stormy grey. It scared me seeing him like that, like he was standing at the edge of something and I wasn’t so sure I’d be able to pull him back from it.
Paxon was practically whispering when he spoke. “Knowing what I know about people and what they’re capable of doing. Seeing what they have done to my own brother. To Justin. To Bryan.” He paused. “To you.” He swallowed. “I won’t risk it. You’re important to me. They aren’t. There’s been too much fuckery in our lives for me to act like a blind dumbass who doesn’t think about repercussions. All I think about are repercussions.”
My grip tightened as I blinked furiously, this conversation way too real for me. His blinders were pulled off long ago. When was it? When he realized what his own mother and her friends had done to his little brother? When he saw Justin nearly beaten to death in the hospital?
That was what connected us all together, me with the other guys. Our blinders had been forced off way too young and had become one of the things that bound us together.
“I wasn’t there for you when they tried to…” He swallowed. “When they tried to rape you. I wasn’t there to protect you.”
“No, you weren’t.”
He grimaced.
“But others were. I wasn’t alone. And you came after and you stayed with me. You were there when I needed you most. Not in the moment, but afterward, when I was left gutted and numb. You were there. That matters most.”
“Cadence.”
I squeezed his hand. “I want to be mad at you guys. I don’t approve of bullying and what you did was bully someone else. You hurt him. Your own teammate. And you did it for me, which leaves me feeling even worse. Like I’m causing something that shouldn’t be happening. He’s your teammate and a friend. I ruined that.”
“You didn’t ruin anything. He did when he decided to stop acting like a decent person. I don’t need people like him in my life. I refuse to have people like him in my life. Near my brother. Near my friends and family. Near you.”
I swallowed hard, blinking back tears.
Paxon sat up from his chair and turned to face me.
“I care about soccer and my teammates, but you didn’t ruin my relationship with them. Not all of them stood with Benji and he’s well practiced in pissing people off, especially these last couple of years.” Paxon’s smile was so sure and uplifting that it drew a smile from me too. “I also officially let my coach know I won’t be continuing soccer. Still need to let the team know, but I’m making strides in the direction I want to go.”
“Does telling your coach make it final?” I asked.
Paxon shrugged. “At least he’s aware so he knows not to pressure me into scholarships and he can intercept anyone wanting to meet me.”
“I bet you broke his heart.”
“Watch, next gym class, he’s going to make me run extra.”
“No doubt about it.”
We smiled at each other, some of the stress easing away the more we talked.
We settled back into our chairs and watched the sky. Exhaustion tugged at me, but every time I was about to doze off, something would wake me back up. Paxon would move or memories would come or a thought would flicker by.
It stayed like that until Seth came out to get us, deciding that we could help with breakfast if we were going to be up so early. Of course, that didn’t last long once Paxon found a bag of pumpkin candies.
“Cadence, wanna do a project with me?” He had the candy bag open and a bunch of toothpicks laid out.
“Sure. What are we doing?” I asked.
“Making a mess,” Seth grumbled as he scrambled eggs in a huge bowl.
“Well, we may have had that party last night, but today is officially Halloween,” Paxon said.
Seth glared at Paxon and went to say something, but then his gaze flickered to me and he closed it, going back to grumbling and stirring the huge bowl.
Paxon leaned close to me. “I think he’s mad at me.”
“Do you blame him?”
Paxon’s smile slipped away and he swallowed. “Maybe. But I don’t regret it. Do you hate me for it?”
“We already talked about this. I’m not mad,” I said. “Just confused.”
“Right. Well how about we distract you until you aren’t confused anymore.” He passed me the candy. “How high do you think we can build it?”
“Until it falls or until Toby comes and starts eating it?” I asked.
“Hmm, good question. We better start building.”
We actually didn’t make it far with the tower. I got a cool idea to build a witches hat and that ended up inspiring Paxon to try to make a spider.
“Looks like you guys started without us,” Bryan said, rubbing his eyes, his glasses dangling in one of his hands.
“Come build with us,” I said.
Bryan mumbled a response as he went to the counter and began making some coffee. By the time he came back over, I was working on the point tip of the hat.
“That looks pretty cool,” he said, taking the seat next to me.
I passed over more toothpicks and pumpkin candy for him to use. Bryan just ended up shoving as many toothpicks as he could into one candy. The poor pumpkin became a porcupine.
“Didn’t sleep well?” Seth asked, coming over to join us now that the egg mixture he created was in the oven.
“I slept fine. Justin was snoring again.”
I laughed at that little bit of information. “Is he a loud sleeper?”
“Not usually,” Bryan said. “He must have been really tired.”
“He went swimming yesterday before the party,” Seth said as he began building his own design. “This week is going to be hard for him.”
“His dad?” Paxon asked.
Seth nodded. “He gets out at the beginning of this week. Not sure which day. I think they’re still finalizing things.”
“How is it working?” I asked.
“They’re transferring him to a hospice near here. They’ll take care of him, make sure he’s comfortable,” Seth explained. “And I’m sure Justin will be there on day one to check in on his dad.”
There was something in his voice that didn’t sit well with me. He was overly focused on building, his lips turned down, tension tightening his features.
“You don’t approve,” I said softly.
Seth met my gaze. “It doesn’t matter what I think. I just hope Justin is doing what is right for him.” Bitterness edged his words, and for some reason, I felt like I was guilty of something.
I had talked with Justin about his dad. It had been distracting him, and I was worried. He’d finally confided in me. I went over the conversation in my head. I only said what I thought. If he believed he needed to be there for his dad, I wasn’t going to stop that. All I could do was make sure I was by his side, giving him all the emotional support I could.
“I don’t get it,” Bryan said. “Why would Justin even want to see the man who killed his mother? Who nearly killed him?”
“It isn’t that easy,” I said.
“It is, though. Sure, there is a lot of grey in our lives, but this is clear. He shouldn’t see his dad.”
I swallowed hard as the toothpick went too far through the candy and pricked my finger.
“Why the hell would you tell him to see his dad?” Bryan asked.
“What?” I snapped my head up to stare at Bryan with wide eyes.
Bryan frowned as he looked back at me. “Why would you tell him he should see his dad? Be by his side as that murderer dies.”
“Bryan,” Seth warned in a hard voice.
“It’s bullshit. Tell me you disagree with me. You think the same thing. He should just stay away from his dad.”
Seth didn’t respond. Didn’t tell him he was wrong—because he was thinking the same thing. Justin should stay away from his dad.
“Do you believe the same thing?” I asked Paxon.
Paxon’s eyes were wide as he looked between the three of us, trying to read the room. There was a clear division of opinions. I felt bad for tossing him into the middle of that. Conflict wavered in his eyes as he tried to voice his thoughts.
“Of course Paxon does,” Bryan practically snarled out. “He, out of everyone here, knows that toxic parents shouldn’t be in our lives.”
Paxon took in a sharp breath the same moment I felt like a hot poker was being jabbed between my ribs.
“Stop it, Bryan,” Seth said. “Everyone has a right to their own opinions. Stop making others feel like shit because their thoughts don’t align with yours.”
“Who the hell am I making feel like shit?” Bryan asked, his voice rising. “I’m not wrong.”
“You aren’t right either,” I finally said in a soft voice.
Bryan snapped his gaze to me, and I could see the moment when he realized he had fucked up. “Cadence—”
“Don’t.” I shook my head. “Just don’t. You already shoved your foot in your mouth. Don’t make it worse.” I got up and went over to the counter, deciding that having some coffee would help me. My brain already felt slow and foggy, and Bryan’s reaction wasn’t helping.
“If my mom was going to be in hospice care, I think I would go see her. At least once. I’d need it,” Paxon said. “It’s closure. Not something you should take away from anyone.”
Bryan’s chair scraped the ground as he stood up. Without looking at either of us, he stormed out of the room, bumping into Toby.
“Hey! Good morning to you too,” Toby said, glaring at Bryan.
Bryan still didn’t say anything as he went upstairs.
Toby’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “What did I miss? Did you dump mouthwash in his cereal or something?”
“That’s disgusting,” Seth said.
Toby shrugged as he took Bryan’s spot. “You’re doing crafts without me? What the heck?” He commandeered Bryan’s materials and deconstructed the porcupine before working on something of his own.
“That witch hat looks sick,” he said.
“Thanks.” I came back over with my mug and sat down.
Paxon gave us a smile. “I’ll be right back.” He gave me a small nod before heading upstairs too, probably to talk to Bryan.
“I so missed something, didn’t I?”
“Just the usual.” Seth tossed a candy at Toby. “Now show us what you got.”
“Oh, be prepared to be amazed,” Toby said. “I’m going to build a hobbit house.”
Seth snorted. “Sure.”
Toby’s eyes narrowed as his competitiveness came out. “Game on.”
“Good luck,” I said, forcing a smile and pushing the conversation to the side as I went back to finishing my witch’s hat.