Chapter Twenty-Nine
Seth had left on Monday to fly out and stay with his parents. While he kept texting and even called Monday night, I felt the loss. Even Bryan had been busy dealing with his own family and for the last two days, I’d been pretty much on my own.
I should have loved it, but I hated it. The guys had gotten me used to having someone always around me. Monday, I didn’t even know what to do since Seth’s house was empty and I felt awkward staying there. So after taking care of Bebe, I actually stayed at my own house for the first time in forever.
It was nerve wracking and left me tired Tuesday morning. We were finally going to perform our songs live this afternoon. I was personally fine, but Toby wasn’t. All morning, he was a bundle of nerves in the cafeteria. It was even raining outside, not helping at all, giving the whole day ‘an overcast of doom and gloom.’ Toby’s description, not mine.
Toby accidentally kicked me for the second time, and I glared at him.
“Sorry.” He sheepishly looked down at his bowl of cereal.
“Do we need to go over how to prep for your performance?” I asked.
“No. No, I’m fine. I haven’t eaten any candy. No coffee. Only water and boring food.”
“Are you really okay?” I asked, now growing worried. Toby had to be used to singing in front of crowds at this point. Our other classes with Mrs. Odera forced us to get used to the idea that we’d perform a lot.
She had said it first in my sophomore class: music could only be properly graded once performed. The lyrics, the music, it all had to be felt, and the only way to do that was to perform. So we had to prepare ourselves. And then she had really put us to the test over the last few years.
This year especially.
“You’re going before me, right?” Toby asked.
“According to the schedule,” I said. My performance was going to be early on while Toby’s was closer to the end of the concert. About half our class was going to be performing, sprinkled in with the other students doing their thing. The concert was going to take up the rest of the afternoon.
“I can’t wait. You’re going to be amazing. You’re amazing at everything.”
“Not with heavy metal,” I admitted. “I had to get creative to piece it together to make something cohesive. I messed up so many times.”
“Naw, I know you were flawless,” he said, his tone too sincere.
I frowned, not liking the uneasy feeling his compliment gave me. “Toby. I’m far from perfect. Please don’t say that to me,” I responded, my voice filled with a mixture of vulnerability and sincerity.
He may have said that with well-intentions, but the words were too close to what I had tried for so long to hear from Lindie. I had always sought perfection because being flawless meant Lindie didn’t hurt me. So when Toby said that, I felt the pressure instantly, and I wasn’t prepared.
I wanted him not to see me as flawless but as who I was—imperfect and real. Not some music goddess.
My point got across and his smile disappeared. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel pressured.”
I shook my head. “I know.” Blowing out a breath, I leaned back a little and opted to shift the conversation elsewhere. “I’m just a little nervous too. It’s a hard song for me to sing. I just want to be done with it. I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to sing it all in one go.”
“You will. When it comes down to the moment, you always do what you need to do to give everyone the best experience. As long as you go up there and give it your all, everyone will hear it and love it.”
I smiled softly at that compliment as the bundle of nerves settled into a comfortable sense of confidence. That compliment felt more solid to me. Something I could achieve, even if there were mistakes. “Thank you.”
“You’ll blow them away while screaming your lungs out, and I’ll do the same with my amazing rap song.”
Laughing, I said, “I can’t believe you chose rap.”
“It’ll be great. You’re going to love it.”
“I’ll love anything you do,” I admitted. I really did enjoy Toby’s music. He had such an outgoing friendly confident personality, something I was a little jealous about. And it came out in his music. He pushed himself with every song, putting something on the line—his heart, his story, his existence. I loved that about him.
No doubt, he’d do it again. He’d put something on the line when he performed. I hadn’t had a chance to hear his song yet, but I definitely looked forward to it.
A rapping Toby.
The afternoon didn’t come fast enough. By the time we were to assemble in the auditorium, I was beginning to feel nervous. Not just for me, but for Toby too. He wasn’t just performing for our class but the whole school. It was a different kind of experience and I wasn’t sure if he had that much experience singing on a stage in front of so many strangers.
We gathered at the back of the stage. There were going to be quite a few performances today, not just from our class, but from other classes, clubs, and students who just wanted to show off their talents.
“Cadence!” Hazel came over with her camera.
“Taking yearbook pictures?” I asked.
“You know it.”
She even took a quick picture of me. I barely had enough time to stick my tongue out at her, hoping to ruin it enough that she wouldn’t use it.
Laughing, she lowered her camera. “That’s going to come back and bite you in the ass.”
“I trust you,” I said simply.
Her smile widened. “From you, that’s a huge compliment. Thank you. I need to get going, but good luck. You’re going to ace it.”
“Thanks.” I waved at her as she took off, weaving through the crowd of other performers.
I glanced around, having trouble finding Toby. Needing something to do, I snuck over to the side of the stage area, looking out at the audience. They were slowly filling in.
I spotted Justin, Bryan, and Paxon fairly quickly. They had somehow managed to claim the front row. So did Micah and Lillian. They were all talking to each other, looking excited.
My eyes were suddenly covered. “Guess who,” Toby said.
I nudged him with my elbow. “Careful not to sneak up on me,” I warned. “Justin brought me to a self-defense class. I know moves now.”
“Really?” Toby raised his eyebrows as he smiled down at me. “I’ll have to ask you to teach me then.”
“I have a feeling you already know,” I said.
He chuckled. “True. Justin made us all take at least one class, but it’s been a couple years. You’ll have to give me a refresher course.”
“All right,” a teacher yelled out, getting all our attention. “It’s time to organize this. Gather up and confirm your slots and that you have everything set. Make sure your soundtrack is in and your props are ready to go.”
The teacher continued to give us instructions and then the concert started. The participants gave it their all on the stage. My stomach slowly tightened more and more as my turn came up.
“You look like you’re ready to take on the world,” Toby said.
“Really, because I feel like I’m about to throw up.”
“Really?” That seemed to surprise him. “You look like it’s just another day as usual.”
I gave him a tight smile. “I’ve had a lot of practice.” I swallowed again and reminded myself to breathe through my nose slowly to fight the nausea. “How are you holding up?” I asked.
Poor Toby was looking a little pale and since we were standing, he was completely incapable of staying still.
“I don’t think I’m going to throw up,” he said. “I know I will.”
I rubbed his back. “You won’t. Close your mouth—”
“Is that your way of telling me to shut up?”
I glared at him and in a harder voice repeated my instructions. “Close your mouth and breathe in through your nose. Fill your lungs with air, until it feels like they’re going to burst.”
As his chest expanded outwards, I continued. “Hold your breath for three seconds and then push it back out through your nose.”
He did it.
“Good, do it again.”
After repeating it a few more times, he seemed more relaxed and there was a little more color back in his cheeks.
“Now how do you feel?” I asked.
“Like I won’t throw up.”
I grinned. “You won’t. You’re going to kill it.”
“I wish you’d stay backstage after your performance.”
“I already spotted the others. They took over the front row and saved us seats. So once I’m done, I’ll be right there, close enough practically to touch you.”
Toby grinned big. “That’s perfect.”
“You aren’t alone.”
Toby grabbed my hand and squeezed. “Neither are you. I’m here. So are they.”
His gentleness warmed my heart and I blinked back emotions that wanted to bubble up out of nowhere.
“Thank you.”
“Cadence Wiles, you’re up next,” the coordinator called out softly.
Toby gave me a big tight hug before releasing me. I gave him a wavering smile and went to stand at the entrance.
It wasn’t long until I walked out on the stage with some people clapping. There was a cheer from the front row and I grinned at them, shaking my head at Micah and Paxon, the two noisiest ones.
The microphone was already set up, so I grabbed on to it and waited for my soundtrack to start.
The silence was intense, some light muttering and coughs echoing through the space. The normal sounds of a quiet audience patiently waiting.
I glanced to the side, expecting to see Toby there, ready to cheer me on, but instead I froze in complete shock.
My dad stood there, holding a bouquet of flowers—stargazer lilies. He was in a black sweater, dark pants. His smile widened when our gazes met, but it also wavered. He even gave me a wave.
I blinked in disbelief. For a moment, I thought I was a little girl all over, transported to the past. Maybe I was still in bed, dreaming nostalgic moments of my childhood. But this wasn’t the past or a dream. This wasn’t a figment of my hopeful imagination. This was reality.
My dad really was standing there, holding a bouquet of stargazer lilies, a wide smile on his face. I met his eyes again and this time he made a funny face at me, breaking my initial shock. All the stress about performing flew away, and I smiled.
It was a genuine one, my cheeks actually hurting as it truly felt like we were back to the time when his support meant everything to me.
Renewed hope whirled through me. He was here, at my performance. Something he hadn’t done in so long. Instead of fighting against the pre-performance nausea, I had to fight against the tears, and the feeling of my throat closing. The emotions threatened to overwhelm me and it was so hard to push past them when the music began.
Only years of experience and practice allowed me to get through the song. I channeled those emotions into the lyrics, feeling renewed freedom. Drawing strength from my dad as I showed the world what I had to offer as a musician.
‘Hey, fucker, who do you think you are?
Reaching in, you trespass my mind
Your voice, your thoughts, invade my space
My mouth, my mind, won’t be erased
Holding me back, trying to bind me
But these shackles won’t hold
I’ll shatter all your chains
Crushing the shackles, snapping the reins
I’ll break every link
You can’t contain me anymore
Never again, no more
I defy your control
Rising from the depths of my soul
In the furnace of my rage, I forge
A rebellion, a tempest, a primal surge
Against your restraints, I stand tall
Breaking through, I won’t fall
You twisted your way into my head
Drilled yourself deep, but I’ll leave you for dead
Welcomed yourself to what’s mine
But in the darkness, a rebellion will shine
I’ll shatter the illusions that you’ve sown
In the echoes of defiance, my strength is known
I’ll shatter all your chains
Crushing the shackles, snapping the reins.
I’ll break every link
You can’t contain me anymore
Never again, no more.
I defy your control
Rising from the depths of my soul
In the furnace of my rage, I forge
A rebellion, a tempest, a primal surge
Against your restraints, I stand tall
Breaking through, I won’t fall
No more submission to your invasive reign
I’ll stand tall, breaking free from the pain
The fire within, a burning core
In the chaos, I’ll find something more
I defy your control
Rising from the depths of my soul
In the furnace of my rage, I forge
A rebellion, a tempest, a primal surge
No longer shackled, I break free
In this symphony of rebellion, I find me
Hey, fucker, do you know who you are
Nothing. Not even a scar’
Breathing heavily, I finally ended the song, slowly uncurling my hands from the microphone. My fingers ached with how hard I had been gripping it. The crowd clapped and cheered, flooding me with excitement, my face feeling hot and flushed. I turned back, expecting my dad to no longer be there. That seeing him had only been my imagination, something I had done so often in the past.
But he was still there. Still holding that bouquet. He was breathing a bit heavily too, like he had been jumping around with me while I sang—something he always did when I performed. He always acted like he was right there performing with me during my concerts as a child. Nearly every performance back then had me almost in fits of giggles because of his air guitar performances.
I waved at the crowd and went to him, my feet moving me a little faster than I’d expected.
Then I was wrapped in his arms, his scent; his very presence made me feel like I was a little girl again with her daddy.
Only then did it feel real that he was there. My dad was at one of my performances and finally heard me sing. My voice finally reached him, something I’d been trying to achieve for nearly eight years.
I broke and cried.
“Cadence,” he whispered. “You did such an amazing job.”
“What are you doing here?” My voice cracked.
“My friend told me about it. You should have told me so I knew to be here.”
“I didn’t think you’d want to come,” I admitted.
“Oh, Cadie. This is exactly where I want to be. Every. Single. Time.”
I cried harder as he rubbed my back and murmured soft words of support. We swayed slightly.
“I am so proud of you. Of who you became, of your talents. You’re so strong.”
“Thank you.” I finally pulled away from his warmth, still a sniffling mess, but at least I wasn’t bawling my eyes out anymore.
“Come on,” he said. “The others saved us seats.”
“They knew?” I asked, surprised.
“Only when they saw me here.”
We turned to head off stage and I spotted Toby peeking at us from a ways away, keeping his distance, but also looking like he wanted to come over.
“One second,” I said, squeezing my dad’s hand. Still blown away by the fact that he was here. I was a bit scared to look away and then he’d disappear. Then Toby would tell me how I went a bit crazy pretending someone was there when there wasn’t.
Dad glanced back and spotted Toby. “All right.”
I rushed over to Toby who didn’t hesitate to engulf me in a huge hug. “That was fricken amazing. I told you, you would nail it.”
I grimaced. “I butchered it.”
“In a cute adorable way. I didn’t realize you could do all that with your voice.”
I smiled, starting to feel a bit shy. “It’s rough. I’ll feel it in like half an hour, once my vocals cool down.”
Toby kissed my cheek. “My turn is coming up.”
“And you’ll nail it too. The guys saved us a seat in the front row so we’ll be right there.”
“Make funny faces for me?” he asked, suddenly seeming extra nervous.
I tilted my head to the side slightly as I registered how scared he really seemed. Toby was always so outgoing, so this was a bit new to me. I saw his nervousness when he had to perform in front of our class, but this was so much more. He had been restless back then. Anxious, yes. But right now, I felt like I was looking at a terrified Toby.
“Toby? Are you okay?” I squeezed his arm and was reminded of how strong Toby really was under his goofy, bubbling personality. His muscles were hard, tense.
“I will be. I just want to be done.”
“This is only extra credit, so you don’t have to do this,” I said.
“I may have been doing badly on my essays. This will make up for that.”
I raised my eyebrows at that news. Mrs. Odera loved making us self-reflect on our songs when we submitted our assignments. Usually two to five pages depending on the project. I hadn’t realized Toby was slacking with that.
After making a mental note, I leaned up and gave him a brief kiss, trying to transfer all my confidence to him. I needed him to feel the confidence I had in him, to absorb it and make it his own. When I pulled away, he was giving me a lopsided grin, proving that it had worked.
“You are going to go up there and become a rap genius. And as you asked, I’ll be in the front row, making silly faces.”
That broadened Toby’s grin, his eyes lighting with laughter. He pulled me in for a tight hug, tucking his face into my neck. His breath was warm as it tickled me.
I shuddered at the intimacy, letting his scent comfort me.
“I’m glad your dad showed up,” he whispered and then pulled away. “Okay. I need to go warm up my voice and practice a couple lines. Rapping isn’t easy. Not as hard as your song, but still not easy.”
“Okay. And if you really struggle, do an Eminem impression. You’re good at doing those.”
Toby laughed, shaking his head. “My rapper impressions are absolute trash. I’d never do them justice.”
Toby shoved me off toward my dad who had been patiently waiting. Dad had his phone out, but it was forgotten in his hand as he frowned at me.
“What?” I asked.
“I didn’t realize you were dating him.”
“He’s a good guy,” I said, suddenly feeling a little defensive.
Dad’s eyes widened, and he cleared his throat as we headed off stage. “I don’t mean anything by it. I know you’re at that age. It’s just…I need to adapt to this, I guess.”
“Well, luckily, you don’t need to give me all the talks that parents give to their kids when they start dating. I’ve already gotten it.”
Dad grimaced, and when I realized what I had done, I swallowed hard. It was a talk we should have had the chance to have as parent and child, but he had been gone. I had to go to someone else to receive those kinds of conversations, and I definitely didn’t get it from Lindie. The only chat she had ever given me was a quick ‘Don’t you dare get fucking pregnant. I’m not old enough to be a grandmother.’
As we got to the first row, Justin waved at us. All the guys had managed to take up the middle of the row, right at the front. I wondered how they’d arranged that.
I sat next to Justin with Dad on my other side. As soon as we sat down, Justin grabbed my hand and held it. I had a feeling he wasn’t going to let me go for the entire concert. I didn’t mind. I liked touching him, and he needed it too.
Things weren’t going well with his dad at all. He was still in a coma. They had decided to take out his respirator yesterday. He was still breathing on his own, so that was something, but they warned Justin that his dad could die at any moment.
I squeezed his hand, giving him a smile before taking in the stage. It was decorated simply with holiday lights I hadn’t really noticed when I’d performed. A student was doing a tapdancing gig on the stage, rhythmically hitting the hard floor in a fast beat. I wasn’t familiar with that style of dancing, so it was fascinating to watch.
With my free hand, I pulled out my phone and slowly sent a text to Toby.
Me: You’re going to be amazing. And I have all my funny faces ready to be made.
His response was nearly instant.
Toby: I know. I wish you were back here with me.
I sent him a quick heart emoji and then tucked it away as a performing arts teacher came out.
I leaned over to Justin. “Let the others know, Toby needs funny faces while he’s performing. He’s pretty scared.”
Justin leaned over and passed my message down to the others.
Toby wanted funny faces. He was going to get it from all of us.
There were two more performances before Toby came out. Someone in my class who sang, and a trio of dancers who did a really cool light show dance. Their outfits were designed to light up and with the stage completely black, they danced around, the lights going with the beat of music.
It was pretty sweet and the whole auditorium became deafening when they finished.
Toby finally came out, waving. Once he got to the mic, I began making the silliest faces that I could. He chuckled when he spotted all of us, his gaze going down the row. Just staring at us, his bunched-up shoulders relaxed, and he got a little more color into his cheeks.
Shaking his head, he said, “I’m not sure how I can top that last performance, but I’ll definitely try my best.”
That got some chuckles as he cleared his throat and the music began. Toby looked directly at me and continued to do so as he started:
‘Welcome to my cold world without any lights to glow
I’m chasing dreams, I’m lost up up in the shadows
Nothing in my life ever seems to align
Just a symphony of silence where my soul fails to shine
I’m unheard, just like a whisper up in the hurricane
The system they wanna terminate, wisdom getting me through the pain
I’m living in silence every night, a ghost in the night
Losing the light, in this cold world, frozen in time
What do I do, I’m on my own with nothing to lose
I’m drugged and I’m boozed
I’m stuck in my shoes and life is leaving me cut and I’m bruised
Wow, is there a way out, I break down, in pain now
I just need a break in life, I’m sick and tuckered of lying round
Then I met you with a smile so bright
Perfect timing, then I met you with a smile so bright
Breaking through the night, pain up in your eyes
A reflection of your fight, giving me something to ignite
A steady force (oh) a lovely thrill (oh)
Touches like whispers, gives me the chills
Finally, a spark embraced into the night a radiant flame
So bright
No longer a ghost, I’m feeling so close to you, it’s a refuge
Your love’s a comforting space, got me in the best mood
I’m battling shadows but we stand tall and we break the wall
The minute we met it would seem like we’re set and that we were made to fall (in love)
Echoes of our laughter helps our dreams to unfold
Our story feels like midnight gold and we never feeling cold
No more ghosts, our love it takes flight
Chasing dreams now but with might I’m loving all this daylight
You save the day for me so always keep a place for me
Up in your heart and never have a vacancy a vacancy
Baby, you save the day for me so always keep a place for me
Up in your heart and never have a vacancy a vacancy
Welcome to my cold world where lights may dim
But luckily your love is kinda like a beacon, amen
Shining within, lost in the shadows, but together we’re strong
Breaking the symphony of silence we forever gonna belong
Then I met you with a smile so bright
Perfect timing, then I met you with a smile so bright
Breaking through the night, pain up in your eyes
A reflection of your fight, giving me something to ignite
A steady force (oh) a lovely thrill (oh)
Touches like whispers, gives me the chills
Finally, a spark embraced into the night a radiant flame
So bright’
Toby finished singing, finally looking away from me, and for the first time since he began, I was able to draw in a full breath and breathe again. His lyrics, the beat, all of it hit me hard. His words resonated inside of me, made me feel things I’d never felt or known what kind of words to put to it. My heart ached. I felt warm all over. I wanted to jump on stage and hug him tight.
The crowd clapped. Some cheered. It took a moment for the crowd to finally calm down, their reaction to him nearly as good as the people who performed before him. I’d say he held his own up there and rocked his song hard.
“Cadence,” Justin whispered.
“Yeah?” I cleared my throat and finally looked at him.
Justin smiled and squeezed my hand. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
He chuckled.
“Did you know about his song?” I finally asked.
“He shared it with us before he had to turn it in,” he said.
“I didn’t know.”
“I don’t think he was planning to let you know either,” Justin said.
I looked to where Toby had disappeared, understanding why.
Fricken Toby.
He just rapped me a love song. How was that fair?