Chapter 39
THIRTY-NINE
Ava
Every time I’m around him, he calms my chaos and the need to run.
“Weddings are a beautiful way to share your love with those around you, family and friends. Marriage, on the other hand, is hard—so hard that I’ve had no interest in getting involved with anyone, especially after what I saw at home as a teenager and then with Sam.
He proposed to me and I said no, then left.
” The prickling behind my eyes threatens to give me away, eyes filling up, not even sure why.
My body shivering, so many feelings rolling through me.
I should have told him that night, but I didn’t.
He stays quiet, a little rigid, and rubs his chest. I shift my body to face him. “You’re quiet.”
“I’m processing what you just said. It hit me hard right here.” He continues to rub the center of his chest, and a heavy sigh leaves his mouth. “Do you remember what I told you about Katrina?”
I nod my head. “Yes, it was hard for me to say something because I know what she did, and how she up and left. I don’t want to hurt you like she did. You’ve put yourself out there. I don’t want to be the one who does anything to hurt you.”
“Every time I pulled away from you, it was like I was being yanked back into your orbit. It was hard to stay away from you, knowing full well that you’ve lived a nomadic life for so long.
If you stay, will you just want to eventually leave…
leave me? My greatest fear is you leaving me like Katrina did, no, it would be worse.
I’ve never felt this way about anyone.” His eyes stare straight out over the water; he clears his throat.
“ So tell me about this Sam guy.” His voice is low and gravelly.
Sharing is not my strong suit. I’d rather be in a place where no one knows me, and I don’t have to tell them anything. I could figure it out as I go, if I wanted to. Here, with Kai, my heart skips a beat whenever he’s around.
Ever since we were here last and our skin touched, our connection has grown stronger. All I want to do is tell him all my secrets—well, there’s only this that I need to get off my chest.
His shoulder meets mine as he says, “Don’t hold back on me. It’s important we talk about this. I can see it written all over your face.” He kisses the back of my hand again, encouraging me to tell him.
My heart hammers in my chest, and I can’t believe he has said nothing about my hand being clammy.
“When you put it that way…Sam was my high school sweetheart. We dated for over two years, including a few months in college. I was in a relationship with him, and I thought I was in love with him. We’d beat the odds.
My dad's leaving my mom was devastating for me. The broken family, the broken relationships—it was all too much. I honestly don’t know how my sister came out unscathed from the whole thing. ”
I take a deep breath, and for a minute, we sit quietly listening to the boats on the water; the music muffled in the background from Dane’s yard. He pulls me even closer with his arm around my shoulders and squeezes me tight. “We may have more in common than you think.”
Turmoil swirling in his eyes as they meet mine. Our chests rise and fall together. “Yeah.”
“But you finish.” He gestures with his hand in the air.
“My heart was broken open like a fresh wound when everything happened with my dad. How could he have done that to my mom?” I shake my head, scoffing.
“So, when Sam came up to college, he brought a velvet box with a heart-shaped diamond ring. He brought me to dinner and proposed. Looking back, I was young, and it wasn’t the right time.
But it was after that when I decided it was easier to be single and not be involved with anyone.
It’s too messy. Too emotional. And too risky for my heart. ”
He hums. “Is that why you avoid and run away from people that make you feel things you don’t want to feel?”
It is like a knife to my chest. I suck in air, my breath choppy. I clear my throat. “Frankly, yes.”
He places his hand on my face. “You’re scared to be loved.”
“And hurt, deeply hurt. It seems inevitable.” I close my eyes and then open them.
Through my thick lashes, I stare into his blue eyes, searching for answers to my unspoken question.
If I take a chance on us, will he hurt me?
Will I run and hurt him? With Kai, I can’t imagine him hurting me on purpose, but sometimes things happen.
Why take a chance on love when someone will inevitably get hurt?
I’m reeling in a direction I don’t want to go, but the knot in my stomach is holding me.
“You’re thinking too much. It’s written all over your face and in your eyes,” he says as his hand is still on my face.
Dipping down to meet my lips, I allow him.
The desire for him consumes me as my lips move with his, deep and passionate, as if we are telling our story without words.
We deepen the kiss, tongues sliding over each other, slow, taking it all in.
He pulls away from my lips and rests his forehead on mine.
My eyes are closed as the ripples of heat course through my body.
Pulling me into a hug, he caresses my back.
When I finally dare to open my eyes, his gaze flickers with care and compassion.
I’m frozen in place. “Hey, you.” It’s all that comes out of my mouth.
“Hey, you.” He mimics me back, not moving at all.
It comes tumbling out of my mouth. “What are we doing?”
He chuckles, but doesn’t utter a word. I’m waiting to see if he has an answer. Then his phone vibrates in his pocket, which is up against my thigh. He ignores it and doesn’t break our eye contact, our connection.
Instead, he brushes his nose against mine and comforts me with his hands on my back.
“I have been taking it one day at a time. Will the answers be in the stars? Or are we enjoying each other’s company so we can just see where it goes?
” He taps his fingers on my back. “I don’t want to scare you away again and have you run.
” He stares into my soul with everything he’s saying; it’s all valid—I recognize it.
Living one day at a time—isn’t that what I’ve tried to do for the past few years?
It’s now that I’m questioning if this warrants risking my heart for the first time in years.
Or walk away now before either of us is in too deep and emotionally invested.
Except if I’m being honest with myself, I’m already there, and the stakes are already high.
I let out a heavy sigh. “My heart wants you, but my head is telling me to run.”
“All I ask for is your honesty, so thank you.” His grip tightens on me.
“Please don’t run. I’m not sure I can handle you walking away from me…
again.” He fully releases me and lays his hands in his lap.
I miss his heat, his touch—why did he let me go?
“But I won’t hold you here. What I’ve learned is that I can’t change people.
No matter how hard I try, it never ends well. You have to be willing.”
My heart cracks. It already knows what’s next. “We should head back to the party.”
I watch as his hand rubs his chest again. He doesn’t say another word, and he stands up, holds out his hand for me to take. I hesitate for a split second, and he sees it. Just as his hand starts to lower, I grab it. And some of the light comes back into his eyes.
There are no words spoken as we walk back.
Voices grow louder as the wedding tent comes into view.
Once we are close enough, he swivels his heels to meet my eyes.
“When you’re ready, come find me. I’ll wait as long as it takes.
The ball is in your court.” He kisses my cheek and brushes his fingers through my hair.
I reach up and hold his hand to my face. “Can we talk more later…please?” I’m not ready to let him go, let whatever this is blooming inside of me go…not now. But I need to figure a few things out.
He drums his fingers on my shoulder and tightens his grip before saying, “Okay, that conversation took a sharp turn down the serious path. Why don’t we enjoy our time here, and we can talk later.”
“That sounds good.” I glance up to see Theresa talking with Kendall. She eyes me and waves me over. “Let me see what these two are conjuring up over there.”
He removes his hand and says, “Yes, go, talk with the girls.