Chapter 12
Chapter twelve
Johnny
Johnny woke up with a sense of peace, relaxed, and not wanting to move out of bed, knowing that when he did that peace would be replaced with anxiety. He snuggled closer to Gavin and refused to let the rest of the world bother him. For a few more minutes.
Gavin groaned and shifted. He didn’t open his eyes, and Johnny tried to figure out if he was awake or not without actually waking him up.
Then Gavin reached out, pulled Johnny closer, and wrapped his arms around him.
Johnny pressed his face into Gavin’s chest. His skin radiated heat.
Johnny sighed. He wished he could take that contentment in this tiny moment and stretch it out to the rest of his life.
Sex with Gavin was freakin’ amazing. Sleeping with him and cuddling was even more amazing. Waking up and leaving and not knowing when he’d see Gavin again—not so much. He hadn’t wanted to get trapped into that, but he lay there, quietly thinking about it already.
Then he thought about Pilot and all the underlying unhappiness that clouded everything.
How could he untwine his life from Pilot?
He was beyond tired of wanting what he couldn’t have.
Walking away, losing his best friend, his brother—if he didn’t stop this nonsense, he wouldn’t have a chance at making things work with Gavin.
“Stop it.” Gavin put his hand over the back of Johnny’s head and rubbed.
“What? You’re up?”
“No. Stop thinking! It’s too loud. Be still.”
Johnny hadn’t realized he’d been wiggling around so much until Gavin pointed it out. “Can you read my mind or something?”
“No, I can read your body.”
Johnny sat up and stared at Gavin and his masculine, handsome face. His eyes stayed shut, but a loud gurgling sound echoed up from his stomach. “You’re hungry. Let’s order room service.”
“Good idea.” He still didn’t open his eyes. “Veggie omelet with a side of turkey bacon.” He tugged at the sheet, trying to pull it over his head. “And coffee. Lots of coffee.”
“I’ll get a carafe.”
Gavin groaned again, and Johnny laughed. He wished this could be every day and not the exception.
Once they ordered breakfast, Johnny took a very quick shower and got dressed. Gavin hadn’t moved, so Johnny pounced on him, bouncing on the bed and purposefully shaking him. “Get up. Get up.”
“No.”
Johnny laughed at the long groan that followed, but he was determined. “Come on, old man.”
“Old?” Gavin sat right up. He grabbed Johnny and flung him to the bed. Leaning over him, Gavin held Johnny down. “I’ll show you old, ya little monster.” He tickled Johnny’s waist and under his arms. Johnny squealed and squirmed, twisting around, trying to get away, but Gavin held him with his body.
“St-St-Stop!” Johnny laughed so hard that when Gavin finally stopped, his chest and stomach could feel the echo, not unlike how his ears and head often buzzed vacantly after listening to extremely loud music.
He made a weird sound that almost seemed happy.
He didn’t have time to examine it, though.
A knock on the door interrupted them. “I’ll get it.
Put some clothes on.” He went to the door and looked over his shoulder. “Old man!”
Gavin made protesting noises but couldn’t retaliate with the hotel server at the door. He wheeled in a little cart with two plates, a large carafe of coffee, and a pitcher of orange juice. Johnny ate pancakes and sausage. He’d go back to a better diet once he got back home.
Got back home. He kind of hated that.
He shoved a syrupy chunk of pancake into his mouth so he wouldn’t say it.
“Johnny?”
He looked over at Gavin. They sat at the little round table in the corner, barely big enough for the both of them. Gavin’s eyes shined bright with plenty of that warm brown that melted his heart. They seemed caring despite Gavin’s scowl. Johnny swallowed hard. “Yeah?”
“I promised we’d talk. So, what’s going on?”
Johnny hesitated, then figured he’d begin with the easiest topic. “I think I’ve pretty much decided I’m not going to buy my uncle’s company. It’s…ugh! Fuck! It’s been a lifelong dream, but I shared that with Pilot and now? Well, it’s different.”
“Because he’s with Tate and Bryce?”
“Yes. No. That sounds selfish. Greedy. That’s not it, though. Not entirely. I mean. Pilot...Pilot is Pilot.” Johnny wasn’t making sense. He stabbed at another piece of his breakfast.
“Let me see if I’ve got this right, okay?” Gavin waved his fork around, and Johnny nodded. “You and Pilot have been best friends since kids. You shared a dream of buying your uncle’s security company. Trident, right?”
“Yes.”
Gavin took a sip of coffee and leaned back. “Somewhere along the way, you wrapped that dream up with something more with Pilot. More than friends, but he obviously never returned those feelings.”
Johnny cringed but didn’t bother denying it. “Right.” He grabbed his coffee, hoping to hide behind the mug.
Gavin raised his eyebrows without comment. “Now that Pilot has a serious relationship with these other two guys, you’re getting the picture that he only sees you as a brother. That alone is tough, but it’s also been so wrapped up in Trident that it’s tainted your dream. That about right?”
“I guess.”
“You guess?”
Johnny ate some sausage. Why had he thought talking about Trident would be easier?
“Johnny? Come on, you don’t have to buy Trident. You can walk away. I think if you talked to your uncle, he’d understand.”
“I don’t want to admit it. To him or Pilot. I don’t want them to know how stupid I am. How jealous.”
“You’re still jealous?” he asked, giving Johnny an opening to explain.
“Yes, but not the same way. I see them. I’m not blind. They love each other, and they’re sharing their lives. Even if their three-way isn’t something I would do, it’s working for them. They’re happy. They’re not—I wouldn’t ever want Pilot to be...”
“Be what?”
Johnny took a deep breath. “Lonely,” he breathed the word out like a personal confession as much as a description of Pilot. He suspected Gavin already knew, though.
“I get it. I do. I don’t want you to be lonely either. Fuck, Johnny. I don’t want to be lonely. No one does.”
Johnny shrugged and stuffed the last of the pancake into his mouth. Sometimes it didn’t matter what you wanted.
Gavin reached over and put his hand on Johnny’s thigh. “I want to make things better for you.”
“Fixing me through BDSM?” Johnny raised his eyebrows.
Gavin chuckled. “No, you’re not broken.”
“Feels that way.”
“Let’s see if we can change that.”
“How? You live in LA. You travel constantly. I have responsibilities in Colorado, whether I buy the company or not. I have a life there. I don’t see how. I mean, this can’t—”
“It can be whatever we want it to be. We’re both somewhat flexible. If we want this, we work at it. We work on spending more time together. Do you want that?”
“Yes.” Johnny spit his answer out quickly. He hadn’t taken even a second to think about it. He didn’t need to.
“Because you want to be with me and make this thing work? Or because you want to forget about Pilot?”
“Is it okay to say both?”
“Is that the truth?”
Johnny nodded and pursed his lips together. A heaviness lifted from him as if holding that truth in had been like carrying around a hundred-pound weight.
“Then it’s okay. I think it’s healthy. Normal.
Except I need to tell you that I don’t want to be your rebound.
I’m not interested in investing more into this just to find out you don’t have real feelings for me.
I know the sex is phenomenal, but I’ve got to have more than good sex, Johnny.
If I put more of my heart into this, I want it all. ”
Johnny bit at his lower lip. All? Could he give Gavin everything? “I don’t think I’m good enough for you. I don’t think I’ll be enough for you.”
“That is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever said to me.
” Gavin picked up his knife and fork and devoured the remainder of his breakfast. Johnny watched his mouth as he chewed then wiped it with the napkin.
“Everything about you is amazing. You’re smart, erotic, playful, sexy, fun.
You’ve crawled under my skin. Mmm...I think I like having you there.
I guess this is the big relationship talk.
So? How do you feel about this? About me? Where’s it going, Johnny?”
Indeed, that was the question.