Chapter twenty Nix
Chapter twenty
Nix
I got on the plane, thankful I could get my flights switched on such short notice and my miles paid for the extra cost. The window seat was a second blessing.
I sat down and turned my phone off while waiting for everyone to board and the plane to take off.
It would have been a normal flight like any other, and I flew a lot, but this time was different. This time, my heart was broken.
Why had I thought Cole would change? Why had I thought he would ever choose me over Tyler Whitmore? He was hot, muscular, and flirty. I was older, more serious, and kind of dumpy. My jeans were loose and my shirts a little baggy. Nothing about me was more appealing than what Tyler had going on.
I sighed and watched out the window as the plane climbed higher.
When it leveled off, I got a view of the clouds like an ocean of cotton, stretching out as far as I could see and blocking the view of the earth below like a blanket.
It was paradise, but it was empty. If I could live out there, I would be just as lonely.
At least back on earth, I had a chance of meeting someone to take my mind off Cole.
When the flight attendants went around taking orders, I asked for tequila. Two of them.
I’d flown coast to coast before, but this time it took utterly too long.
When we landed, I headed for the luggage carousel, thinking of how Cole’s bag had been lost. I wondered if they’d find it. Would they send it to Davey’s or back to Atlanta? I picked up my bags, determined to stop thinking about him, but it didn’t do much good.
While I was on the plane, Cole had blown up my phone with texts and voicemail. I didn’t listen to the messages and only glanced at the texts. I couldn’t. It hurt.
When I arrived home, there were flowers with purple hydrangea and pink and white lilies in a dark purple vase on my doorstep with a note that said, “I’m sorry. Love, Cole.”
Cole was trying, but it wasn’t enough. What would be enough?
Would there ever be enough for me to trust him?
Trust meant so much more than no cheating or fooling around.
It meant that I could count on him. It meant that I would always know he picked me first. Every time.
I didn’t have that. I’d fooled myself into thinking I did have that. It was a lie.
I grabbed the flowers and pushed into the house, dropping my bags in the foyer. I set the vase on the kitchen counter and thought of all the things Cole had noticed about my house. What he liked and what he didn’t. Everywhere I looked, I saw him.
I washed my hands and face in the sink and dried them with a paper towel. I grabbed a soda out of the fridge and headed outside where I could relax and enjoy what was left of the evening. I sat down and looked around.
Cole had staked out where he wanted the pool.
Pink ribbons fluttered in the breeze, attached to each chunk of wood he’d stuck in the earth.
The pool was wider at one end than the other and curved around, fitting the land and house and giving him enough length to swim laps, while still being perfect for fun.
It would never be installed. I should have got up and pulled those stakes out of the ground. Instead, I closed my eyes and felt the massive hole in my heart where he had been.
Fuck his pool.
I went back in the house—wrecked.
I ignored my luggage. I could unpack later. I went to my room and threw myself on my bed, grabbing the pillow Cole had used. Did it still smell like him? I caught a faint whiff of his cologne. I pulled it to me and squashed it against my face. I cried, letting my tears seep into the soft fabric.
This room was worse than the rest of the house. Cole had some of his stuff here. A watch he’d forgotten on the dresser. His shampoo in the shower. T-shirts and underwear in my top drawer. I dreaded having to pack it all up, especially since what I really wanted was for him to come back to me.
I couldn’t let that happen. I felt conflicted. I looked around for something that didn’t remind me of him and came up empty. I picked up my guitar. I’d promised to play for him but never got the chance.
I strummed. Tuned it up a bit. It had been a long time since I’d had my hands on it. I played around with some tunes, then words came to me.
Words about Cole.
Maybe jotting them down would help me purge Cole and these horrible, painful emotions.
I grabbed a pad of paper and pen from my office, and then sat on the bed to work on it.
Some of it was immediately good, but some lines needed more polish.
I played around with the order some. Eventually, I was more concerned about the words than missing Cole.
My fingers stung from pressing the strings by the time I decided to quit. I was exhausted and it didn’t take me long to fall asleep after that.
I must have slept through the night because bright and early, someone was waking me up by pounding on the front door. I stopped to piss before heading to the front of the house. I opened the door without checking to see who it was.
Cole stood on my front steps. “You look like you just crawled out of bed. Your hair.” He patted his head, making me run my fingers through my hair.
“Ugh. I did.” I put my hands on my hips. “What are you doing here?”
“Did you get my flowers?”
“Yeah. So?”
“I’m trying to apologize here. Come on. This is only a misunderstanding, isn’t it? Can you talk to me, please?”
“It’s more than that.” I sighed. My arms ached to pull him in. “I—I don’t trust you.”
“Trust me?”
“Why did you leave practice at Davey’s? That’s important.”
“You mean more. You mean everything.” Cole held out his arms as if inviting me into them.
I swallowed hard. I was dealing with being lonely and missing Cole. I wanted him back. It would probably be inevitable. Somewhere along the lines Cole had wormed his way under my skin and made a home there.
That didn’t mean I was ready to give in. Maybe I needed to be mad for a while. “No. This is too much. I don’t mean everything to you. I’m third.” I ticked the numbers off on my fingers. “Supercross. Tyler, and then me.”
“Not true, Nix—”
“No. Go away.” I stepped back inside and shut the door. I waited in the foyer. It took him a few minutes to realize I wasn’t giving in, and then he slowly walked away.
Why did that hurt as much as when I’d left Davey’s Ranch? I was losing it. I wanted him to stay, but I couldn’t give in. Could I?
I went inside. Made a peanut butter sandwich, since that was what I had left in the house. Then showered and decided to get to work. I grabbed my laptop from where I’d left it in the foyer and headed to my office. I booted the machine and pulled up some film to edit.
I stared at it, letting it run through the entire play back without touching anything.
I was a fool.
I couldn’t stand looking at all the footage of Cole without my heart breaking over and over again. I couldn’t work. Couldn’t stay in the house.
I didn’t know what to do. I picked up my phone and tapped the screen, calling Jason. I filled him in on what had happened.
“You know what, Nix. You’re an idiot.”
I threw myself on the sofa in the living room and pulled a throw pillow over my head. “I know.”
“Yeah? First of all, I warned you not to get involved with him.”
“I know.”
“You did anyway.”
“I know.”
He chuckled. “Now, you’re heartbroken because you think he likes Tyler more.”
“He does.”
“How do you know? Is that what he told you? Did you even give him a minute to explain?”
“I didn’t need to.”
“And now you’re a jack ass.”
“What?” Idiot I could understand but he was getting a little harsh. “Are you on his side?”
“No, dumb ass. I’m on your side. I want you to be happy, and I think maybe you should set aside your pride and give him another chance.”
“Why?”
“Because you were happy with him.”
I huffed. Was I happy with him? Could we find that again? “Maybe. I don’t know.”
“Think about it.”
“Thanks, Jason.” We said our goodbyes and hung up. I didn’t know what to think any more. I went to work, this time getting some editing done by focusing on other footage that didn’t have Cole in it, which wasn’t a lot, but still took up most of the day.
Cole had stopped calling and texting and messaging. I hadn’t heard from him since he’d been on my stoop. I thought about what Jason had said. Maybe it was more important to make up than to be right.
I didn’t know. I grabbed my keys and headed out. I needed a long drive to think things over. I purposefully drove around to places I hadn’t been with Cole. My phone pinged a few times, but I ignored it. It would wait. It was probably Cole again.
And what exactly did that mean? I still had no answers.
I went home and worked some more and quickly ran out of footage without Cole in it. That made it only half distracting, but maybe it would numb me. I started with some track footage I’d taken at the last race.
This time I recognized the knock when Cole pounded on my front door. A part of me wanted to crawl under my desk and hide from him, but I couldn’t put him off forever.
I opened the front door and the sexiest Cole I’d ever seen stood there. “Uh…hey.” He seemed shy and unsure of himself, standing there in super soft and supple leather pants and matching jacket. It wasn’t black, but a dark blue.
“Hey back.” I tilted my head to get a better look at him. His shirt under that jacket was crisp and white. I couldn’t help but look.
“Will you go out with me? On a date.”
I started to say no.
“Ah…Come on, Nix. I put my career in jeopardy following you home. Put Gavin and Davey’s relationship in danger.”
“I didn’t ask for that.”
“No, but I would do it for you again. Anything. Please.” He put his booted foot on the threshold casing. “Just come out with me.”
He looked amazing. He sounded sincere, and he wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt his career unless it meant something extremely important to him. I sighed. “Come in. I have to shower.”