Chapter 4
Chapter Four
SAYLOR
Luke lowers me down on his front porch, completely decorated—doormat and all—for the holidays.
“When did you become so domesticated?” I ask as he unlocks the door. His chest brushes my back as he pushes it open, letting me go in first.
His Christmas tree is lit up, covered in colored lights and mismatched ornaments.
Garland winds around the staircase, and every surface is topped with knick-knacks of Christmas sayings and candles.
It’s like stepping back to when his parents lived here, and suddenly all the memories of growing up side by side with Luke during the holidays rush through my mind.
His mom’s homemade chocolate chip cookies and hot cocoa with the tiny marshmallows she had out for us after we’d play in the snow all morning.
We’d make forts, snowmen and snow angels.
Running through the house and sneaking every dessert during his parents’ annual Christmas party before we’d go up to his room and watch a movie.
“That’s what happens when you’re an only child.”
I walk around the space I was in just six months ago during the summer, unsure of exactly how we’re going to get past the awkwardness and back to the friendship we once had.
He breezes past me, then opens the fridge. “So, what do you feel like?”
I follow him into the kitchen. Even his placemats are a combination of red and green plaid. “I feel like I’ve walked back in time.” I run my finger along the woven thread.
He glances over his shoulder. “I still hate shopping.”
I giggle because did I really think he went out during the years to buy more Christmas stuff than what was left to him?
“How are your parents doing, anyway?”
“They’re fine. They’re supposed to drive back into Willowbrook on Christmas Eve.”
“Mom said their map is almost completely checked off?”
Luke’s parents decided to buy an RV after his dad retired a few years ago and see the world. They stay in each place they visit for an extended period of time. They had asked my mom to do it with them, but that’s just not her.
“You don’t follow my mom’s Instagram?” He chuckles and takes out the cheese and butter, placing them on the counter.
I nod and slide up to the breakfast area, where I spent so many afternoons doing homework over the years, as Luke tries to peek over my shoulder. Although he’s modernized the kitchen since it became his, it still feels like the same house. The stainless steel appliances don’t change my memories.
“I’m thinking grilled cheese. I have some soup.”
“You don’t have to feed me. We could just order pizza.”
He stares at me, then looks out the window and back to me.
“Okay, smart ass, yeah, grilled cheese sounds great. Let me help.” I slide off the stool to go around the counter.
“Sit and relax. I’m making this for you.” He puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me in the opposite direction.
“How about you make the soup, and I make the grilled cheese? I was always better at buttering the bread anyway.”
I slide my shoulders out of his hands and bump him out of the way with my hip.
Surprisingly, he lets me handle the grilled cheese. Then he takes out a pot, and he’s working behind me as I butter the bread.
“So… thanks, you know, for carrying me over,” I say, a little embarrassed that I’m encroaching on his space tonight.
“You did act like a toddler trying to be all defiant, but you’re welcome.”
I smile from the lightness in his tone.
He puts the tomato soup in a pot, turns on the heater, then leans against the counter with his arms and ankles crossed. “Can I ask you a question?”
I go over to the stove to put the grilled cheese in the pan that he’s already taken out for me.
“It depends on the question.”
He doesn’t say anything for a moment, just stares out at the Christmas tree in the living room.
I wish I knew what was going on in his head.
I used to know from just his facial expression.
For some reason, I thought I’d always know what was going on in Luke’s head, but it feels like time and distance have changed that.
“Do you think… I mean… how do you feel about… Tyler’s gonna be home in a couple of days.”
I concentrate on putting the buttered side of the bread on the pan and placing the cheese over, allowing it to melt a little before I’ll put the top piece on. “So I heard.”
I don’t know why he’s coming home early this year when he never returns for the festival. The only reason I know is because, well, Willowbrook is a small town and word travels fast.
“It doesn’t matter. I mean, it’s over.” I shrug. “I’m sure he’ll probably dodge me, just like I’m gonna dodge him.”
He huffs. “You really think he’s gonna dodge you?”
“I don’t know. I mean, why wouldn’t he? He’s the one who broke it off with me. I wish he wouldn’t come home at all.”
“Yeah, well, that’s not a possibility.” Tyler would never miss a holiday, especially with his mom.
She would go up to New York and drag him back by his ear before she would ever allow that to happen.
Even if he only stays for two days, it’s still two days that I have to share our small town with him.
“I’ll be fine.” I look at him, and he stares back at me. “Don’t worry about me, Luke.”
I place the other piece of bread on top of the grilled cheese sandwich, then start on the other one, trying to busy myself and not think about being in Tyler’s company.
I don’t want to see him again. I like being here without him.
I’ve moved on and I have no desire to be dragged back into his orbit.
“I’m not worried. I’m just wondering—”
“What?”
I turn to face him. Maybe we need to get this all out in the open. Me avoiding him has only made things more awkward. Perhaps we need to say precisely what we’re thinking.
“I just want to know where your head is at.” He levels me with an intense stare.
“You don’t have to be my protector anymore, Luke. I know he’s your friend and all.”
“He’s not my fucking friend, Saylor.” There’s a bite to his words.
“God, I don’t know why you’re so angry. You guys were best friends.”
“Were. Past tense, Saylor. I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. I haven’t wanted anything to do with him in a long fucking time.”
Jeez, Luke is always so even keeled about everything. I’ve rarely seen this side of him. I knew he and Tyler didn’t talk all that often, but I didn’t think they’d had a falling out or anything.
“I don’t understand why…”
He grabs a wooden spoon and starts stirring the soup, and we work side by side, shoulder to shoulder, at the stove, tension filling every crack and crevice and I have no idea how to disperse it. “Let’s just make the food,” he mumbles to himself.
“I don’t want to just ignore it.”
“Why? You’ve been ignoring it for six months.” He drops the spoon on the spoon rest and turns to me.
“I told you already—I was embarrassed, okay? I should never have kissed you. God, that was such a… mistake.” Mistake doesn’t seem like the right word, but I don’t know what other word to use.
The fact is, that kiss has made things awkward between us and changed the dynamic of our friendship. If it weren’t for that kiss, I might not be thinking of Luke the way I am. Might not be replaying that kiss over and over in my head.
He grunts under his breath. “Yeah, I knew it was a mistake the second you walked out.”
There’s something in his tone…
I tip my head. “What am I missing, Luke?”
“What are you missing? You’re missing the fact that I fucking—God, just nothing.” He picks up the spoon, returning to stirring the soup. “I’m not gonna… I’m just worried about you. I mean, you were my best friend, Saylor. My best friend.”
“And you were mine. But then Tyler came into the picture—”
“Yeah, I know. And you were off with him all the time.”
“So were you,” I snap back.
And it’s the first time I realize that my starting to date Tyler changed our friendship.
I think back to all the times that, yeah, we didn’t do nearly as much as we used to do together.
I always thought it was just because we hit that age where you want to be with your friends all the time, and the whole opposite sex friendship thing just doesn’t seem to work as well anymore.
“I don’t want you to not be friends with him because of some obligation to me.” I turn off the burner I’m using.
“That has nothing to do with why I’m no longer friends with Tyler.”
“I don’t understand.” I plate the two grilled cheese sandwiches onto a single plate.
He reaches past me to get the bowls, his arm brushing against mine as he reaches into the upper cabinet.
I move away and go back to the breakfast stool, unsure of what I’m even trying to achieve with this conversation, other than the fact that there are still all these feelings inside me, and I don’t know where we stand.
“He cast me aside first, but the worst part is that he took you with him.”
My heart drops into my stomach. Of course, he’s sour with Tyler.
Tyler, however unintentional, took me away from Luke, and I allowed him to do it.
I’d always tell him to invite Luke up to school and later New York, but Tyler always made some excuse.
When Tyler asked me out freshman year and we started dating, Tyler replaced Luke as my go to person, and that’s on me.
He sets the soup in front of me. “Do you want water or beer? I don’t have much else to offer you besides that.”
“Water’s fine,” I say, still processing our conversation. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.
He sits next to me at the breakfast bar. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” He dips his spoon into the tomato soup.
“I left you and made Tyler my world.”
He says nothing, sipping his soup. “It’s done and over with. The two of us are good, but just don’t worry about my friendship with him, okay?”
“Okay, I won’t mention it again, but…” I place my spoon in the soup and swivel to him.
He doesn’t grant me any attention, instead acting like he doesn’t know I’m staring at the side of his gorgeous face.
“I’m over him. It’s done and over, and I don’t want to think about it anymore.
Yes, I don’t want to see him, but not because it’s going to break my heart, but because it’s uncomfortable and awkward, that’s all. ”
He nods into his soup. “Okay, I won’t ask anymore.”
“Good.”
We sit in silence for a few more minutes, and I swivel back around to my plate and start eating.
“You’re really over him?” he asks.
I side-eye him. “I thought we already established that.”
“I just wanted to double-check because if we’re being honest here, you should know something.”
My stomach clenches. “Oh, jeez, what?”
“It’s just—I liked the kiss,” he admits.
A rush of heat flows through my body. “Oh… you mean—”
“Yeah, Saylor. I liked the kiss. I liked kissing you. I liked holding you. I liked comforting you. I mean, I understand that it didn’t happen because of me, or maybe you confused me with Tyler or someth—.”
“I didn’t confuse you with Tyler.”
“What?” His eyebrows slash down into straight lines.
“I didn’t confuse you with Tyler. I knew it was you, Luke. And yeah, it was the wrong time to do it. It wasn’t fair to you, and it wasn’t fair to me, and it’s really embarrassing. I mean, I wasn’t over Tyler back then.”
“But you are now?” He swivels towards me, his hand at my hip, turning me so we look into each other’s eyes.
Be brave, Saylor.
I draw in a deep breath. “I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“Me either.”
“But Luke—”
He shakes his head. “No. No, Saylor.”
“I… I can’t. I mean… I don’t want to ruin everything we’ve always had.”
“What have we had? We haven’t had anything in the last five years. And in the last six months, you’ve been dodging me.”
“I know. But I miss our friendship. And I just came back to town, and I don’t know if I’m gonna stay and—”
“But… you felt it, right?”
I know what he’s asking. That spark and chemistry, the desire pooling deep in my core, that he is the man I want.
I nod. “I did.”
“That’s all I need to know.”
He leans forward, his hands cradling my cheeks, as he presses his lips to mine. I should push him away, but I think it’s about time I take what I want.