Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
D espite the onslaught of noise in downtown Chicago when she got out of the Uber – cars, horns, people chattering as they walked by – when Lacie set foot in her apartment, everything was eerily quiet. No ‘dinner’s ready!’ from her mum, or game shows on the TV, or birds outside the window in the morning, or the sound of Nathan using the leaf-blower or lawnmower. Just muffled noises from outside, and the whoosh of the window blinds when she opened them to let in some much overdue light.
She took her luggage to the bedroom and plonked herself on the bed.
Where would a baby sleep? She found herself thinking.
Her apartment was spacious enough and could fit a baby’s cot near her bed or in the living room, but with only one bedroom the apartment wouldn’t be suitable in the long term. A growing child would need their own room and space… she’d need a new home if she were to keep the baby.
Lacie hopped off the bed before overthinking engulfed her mind and fatigue claimed her body. She’d wait until it was dark before trying to sleep, she needed to get back into her normal circadian rhythm as soon as possible to be okay to return to work in a few days.
After unpacking, she remembered she had to take a silly selfie for Ellie. She got out her cosmetics bag and applied a bright red lip liner but extended the line beyond the margins of her lips, then filled it in with lipstick to create a big pout. She did the same with eyeliner, extending it beyond her usual limits and drawing an accentuated flick upwards at each corner. Her eyebrows went back in time to the 1980s, and the blush on her cheeks gave her natural pregnancy glow a run for its money.
She gave her best pout and took a selfie, laughing as she edited it with a filter to make her look extra fake and overdone, and sent it to Ellie. After pizza for dinner, and, satisfied it was getting dark enough outside, she got into her summer nightgown and hopped into bed, barely aware of her head touching the pillow.
Strange, to be leaving for work at the same time her family in Australia would be asleep or getting ready for bed. Lacie did one last check of her bag, making sure she had everything and that jet lag hadn’t affected her memory, before locking up and leaving her apartment after a weekend of pretty much sleeping constantly.
Sunshine lit her way across the bridge over the Chicago River, and Lacie smiled as she walked. It was one of her favourite parts of the day, taking in the views of the skyscrapers surrounding her like a large embrace, and sunlight glinting on the water below. The walk to work always gave her time to think, to dream, and enjoy the beginning of a new day with unlimited possibilities. And the exercise had always helped keep her healthy. She may need to use another form of transport in a few months when she got big and heavy, but for now, she wanted to make the most of it.
Lacie grabbed her morning coffee from La Bella as she rounded the corner near her salon, and hoped it was okay to continue drinking coffee during pregnancy. She made a mental note to google that later, but for now, it would help her remain focused for the day, or a few hours at least.
Before entering The Galleria shopping mall, she paused for a moment, admiring the welcoming gold frame of the double glass door entrance, and the burgundy wooden trim that gave the building an elegance that flowed through to her salon. She walked in to the building and reached her ground floor premises.
‘I’m back, baby!’ Lacie mused to the empty reception area, after she’d unlocked the door. Her part-time assistant wouldn’t arrive until 10am. She flicked on the lights, set the relaxing music up for the day, and filled the diffuser with lemon oil. She then checked everything was in place for her impending client in the beauty room, and got the nail polish samples ready. Which colour would Mrs Maria Elvarez choose today?
At five minutes to nine, the automatic bell sounded its gentle ding as her client stepped through the door.
‘Hello! Anyone home?’ Maria called out, as though she was simply dropping in unexpectedly to a neighbour’s house for a cup of tea. Lacie smiled, glad her first client after her holiday was one of her favourites. She felt a bit guilty having favourites, but couldn’t help it.
‘Come on in!’ Lacie opened the door to the beauty room and gestured for her smiling client to enter. ‘It’s nice to see you again, Maria. You’re looking extra rosy today.’
‘I started drinking turmeric lattes,’ she replied, patting her cheeks. ‘For my health. Gives me a bit of a flush.’
‘Good on you. I haven’t tried them myself.’
‘Supposed to be good for the heart and the liver, apparently. Not to mention my joints.’ She wriggled her arthritic fingers, which she – no matter what – made sure were perfectly manicured, and today was her regular appointment.
‘Let’s give those joints a bit of pampering today, shall we?’
‘Can’t wait,’ she said, ‘your hand and foot massages are the best. I’m sure I’ve been going this long without pain medication because of your expert care.’
‘Oh,’ Lacie waved her hand, ‘I do my best.’ She gave Maria an extra pillow behind her head for comfort, then held out the colour samples.
‘A few new ones arrived before I went to Australia. If they pique your interest?’
Maria popped her glasses on the bridge of her nose and peered at the rainbow of samples, focusing on the new range of fresh, summery colours. ‘Hmm, maybe one of each?’ She laughed. ‘I do have ten fingers and toes after all.’
Lacie didn’t know if she was being serious or not, as some clients did like having different coloured fingernails, but most of her older clients opted for a more traditional and classier look.
‘I’m kidding. I’ll look like a fool. No offence to anyone who wears multiple colours but I don’t think it’d suit me.’
Lacie smiled. ‘Whatever makes you feel your best, I’m here to follow your wishes.’ She thought back to painting rainbow nails with Jessie and her heart ached. Barely home and she already missed her family.
‘In that case, I wish for…’ Maria’s hand roamed over the samples as though one might jump out at her and say ‘pick me!’. ‘Morning Glow,’ she said with a nod, pointing to the light, bright orangey-pink. ‘It’ll give me a boost.’
‘Nice choice, it’s perfect for your skin tone.’
Lacie prepared the polish equipment and then sat on the low stool near Maria’s feet. ‘Feet first, let’s get that blood flowing back to the heart, then hands, and while it dries, I’ll do your head, neck, and shoulder massage.’
Maria smiled in anticipation and wriggled her toes.
Lacie started with a foot cleanse and scrub, followed by a gentle but rhythmic massage that flowed in time with the relaxation music.
When she had finished applying the layers of nail polish, she rose from the stool and a wave of weakness made her legs wobble, and a large lump in her throat caused her to gulp. She leaned on the massage table nearby.
‘Whoa. Got up too quickly, I think.’ She took a breath and raised the stool higher, manoeuvring it to beside Maria to work on her hands.
‘How far along are you, my dear?’ Maria asked with a curious arch of her left eyebrow.
‘I’m sorry?’
She gestured to Lacie’s belly with a soft smile. ‘I remember my closest friend, Sandra’s pregnancy back in the day. Some smells set off the nausea, yes? And sudden movements can make you dizzy.’
Lacie’s face became warm and she was sure it must resemble Morning Glow. ‘Oh.’ She lowered her head a moment. ‘Well, considering all is confidential within these walls, you’re right. I’m about a couple of months, early days. But…’
‘It was unexpected?’
Lacie nodded.
‘Consider it an unexpected blessing. You know, if it wasn’t for an unexpected pregnancy, I wouldn’t have had my beloved Carlos.’
Lacie furrowed her brow. ‘He was unexpected? I thought you mentioned a while back that you and your husband waited a long time for him.’
‘Oh, we did indeed, my dear. We adopted him. From a young mother who wasn’t ready to give him the life he deserved.’
‘Wow, I never knew that. Thank you for sharing that with me. How lucky you were to find him.’
‘Indeed. We are beyond grateful every day for the blessing. And now of course he’s in his thirties and his wife has our first grandchild on the way. I can’t wait!’
‘I’m so happy you got to have your dream, Maria.’ Lacie lightly massaged her client’s hands; hands that had held and cared for a much-wanted child for many years. Having a baby hadn’t even been on her mind at all. And suddenly, she was immersed in the reality, the uncertainty, the fear, the guilt… that she didn’t know if she could be the best mother for this child… that other parents would surely be more worthy of such a gift.
She managed to get through the rest of the manicure without feeling nauseous, and got up slowly from the stool to grab a sip of water before beginning the neck massage. She avoided talking during it so Maria could properly relax and get the most out of her treatment. Some clients liked talking the whole way through, others liked silence, and others liked a balance between conversation and relaxation, so she was always sure to make sure she wasn’t overstepping the mark with anyone.
‘That concludes your treatment, Maria, I hope you enjoyed it,’ Lacie whispered to the woman who may or may not have been asleep in the armchair.
‘Oh my goodness, not even midday and I’m ready for a nap.’ Maria yawned and stretched her arms above her head, then admired her new nails. ‘Love this new colour, I’m going to do some shopping now and show them off!’
‘Have a wonderful time, and it was so nice to chat with you today,’ Lacie replied as she left the room with Maria, and Lacie’s recently arrived assistant, Madeleine, took her payment and booked her next appointment.
‘Likewise,’ Maria replied, sidling up to her as though she was about to say something else, but on glancing at Madeleine she bit her lip and simply said, ‘it was lovely chatting with you too. You take care, okay?’ She arched her left eyebrow again.
Lacie nodded.
‘Jet lagged?’ Madeleine asked, getting up from her chair. ‘Welcome home!’ She embraced Lacie with her slim arms.
‘Thanks, hun, and yes a bit, but I’m okay.’
‘Good to have you back, how was the reunion?’
‘Fabulous,’ she replied. ‘God, I miss them all so much, but then I’m always glad to get back here too, it’s like I’ve got two homes.’
‘I was like that when I moved here from France, like being caught in limbo, but now I’m much more settled,’ she said with her slight French accent.
‘I still can’t believe you chose Chicago over Paris.’
‘With true love comes change and sacrifices,’ the young woman said, smoothing her straight black hair with her palm. ‘It was hard at first, but I’m so happy here with Lachlan. His work at the museum is his passion, and my job, well, I can do that anywhere, so…’
‘How are the studies coming along?’
Madeleine was studying part time to become a beauty therapist and make-up artist while working for Lacie on reception the other half of the time.
‘Great. Won’t be long and I’ll be fully qualified.’
Lacie did some calculations in her head and wondered if perhaps Madeleine could be of help to her if she did keep the baby. She could take over some of her clients until she was able to return to work, though many would only want Lacie’s expertise, and then she’d need a babysitter or nanny as well. Her heart rate rose as she began to feel overwhelmed again and as she prepared the beauty room for her next client, she found herself thinking about her conversation with Maria, and with Chris back home about his struggles with Melina and their fertility issues. She had no time to think further as her next client arrived, and as the day kept her busy, she barely thought about it again until later.
When saying goodbye to her last client of the day – a woman who’d suffered scarring from burns and had been given a collagen and vitamin C infusion facial – she noticed a nicely wrapped package on the reception desk and a note from Madeleine:
Maria brought this back for you xx
Lacie smiled at her client’s thoughtfulness. With a yawn, she popped the gift in her bag, deciding to open it later when she got home and could focus better.
With a craving for mac and cheese, she picked up some takeout at a restaurant on the way home and devoured it when she arrived at her apartment. Sleep came soon after she’d showered and next morning she woke to texts from Penny and her mother.
Penny:
Miss you already! Please keep me posted on everything xo
Mum:
How is it being back at work? Hope you’re not too jet lagged!
Lacie checked the time difference and texted Penny:
Miss you too! Ok xx
Then she called her mum; she’d probably still be awake.
‘It seems my pregnant body clock is happy to sleep at any time of day or night,’ she said when Martha Appleby answered.
‘Oh good, so no trouble sleeping normal night-time hours on Chicago time?’
‘Nope, out like a light after dinner last night.’
‘Fabulous. Any nausea?’
‘Comes and goes, depends on certain smells, getting up too fast, temperature changes and things like that. The nail polish at the salon was a bit of an issue.’
‘Oh dear. Perhaps a mask?’
‘Yes, I think I will, even though I use natural-based formulas, they still have a strong scent.’
Martha was silent a moment, then said, ‘I was thinking, for next year’s reunion, it might be, ah, difficult for you. I’m wondering if we can somehow manage a family trip to the US and come to you?’
‘Mum, it’d cost a fortune for everyone’s airfares, it’s much easier for one person – aka me – to travel and visit everyone.’
‘Yes, but with a baby, it’s a big ordeal.’
Now Lacie was the silent one.
‘Lace?’
She sighed. ‘Mum, let’s think about all this another time, yeah? I haven’t even…’
‘Haven’t even what?’
‘Decided. I mean, I’m still wrapping my head around the whole thing, and…’
‘Okay, I’ll try not to get ahead of myself. I just like to plan in advance and be prepared, and thought I could allow enough time to save up.’
Lacie got up from the bed and stretched. Her stomach felt funny and a dry retch erupted.
‘Oh dear. You okay, sweetheart?’
‘Yep, yep. I’m good.’ She gulped and took a deep breath, then grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl. ‘Just need to get something in my belly.’
‘Maybe keep some crackers beside the bed. Anyway, the other thing I wanted to let you know was that Chris and Melina had a good talk apparently, and he’s agreed to take things further and investigate other options like IVF. They’ve booked an appointment with a fertility specialist in about three months, and are going to take things easy in the meantime and enjoy a week away together next school holidays when I can mind the girls.’
‘Oh, that’s good, although three months must feel like a long wait.’
‘I think it’ll be good to give them a break and reduce some stress and pressure, then they can be prepared and ready for the next step. Plus, they need to save some money too as it’s quite costly.’
‘I’m happy to dip into my savings if they need a bit of a contribution.’
‘Oh no, not at all, you’re going to need it. And Chris has a couple of nice properties listed now so with any luck he might be able to negotiate a good deal or two and get some extra commission.’
Lacie’s head was spinning. So much time, money and stress, all to try for a baby, with no guarantees. And here she was with the opposite experience: it didn’t take time, it hadn’t cost money, and there wasn’t any stress involved except on finding out and needing to comprehend how her life was going to change.
‘Mum?’ She sat back on the bed. ‘I’ve been thinking. I spoke to a client yesterday who adopted a son thirty years ago. Without that gift, she wouldn’t have been able to become a mother.’ She waited for an ‘uh-huh’ but was met with silence. ‘I think I’m going to talk to Chris.’
‘Sweetheart, that’s not necessary.’
‘I know, but they’re struggling, and here I am not even knowing if I can – if I want – to do this. I feel guilty.’ Her bottom lip trembled. ‘I don’t deserve this as much as them.’
‘Oh, love. Of course you do. It wouldn’t have happened to you otherwise.’
A sharp intake of breath surprised her. She wasn’t usually this emotional, but her hormones were obviously taking over. ‘I just…’ A sob escaped and she sniffed. ‘I just wasn’t expecting this, that’s all.’
‘Oh, my girl, I know, I know. But sometimes things happen for a reason. You might not think you’re ready, but somehow, we just become ready when it happens.’
Lacie took a deep breath and straightened her back. Conflicting emotions fought within her heart. ‘I feel like I should talk to him. Let him know the situation, and give him the opportunity at least to discuss it with Melina. I could just be Aunty Lacie, while they get to be parents to a new baby together. It would save them going down the IVF road and spending bucket loads of money, possibly without success. I should do it now, before…’
Before I get too attached.
Martha exhaled slowly on the other end of the line. ‘Well, if you feel it’s the right thing to do.’
‘I do. Even if he’s not open to the idea, at least I made the offer and won’t have any regrets.’
‘You’re a special sister,’ Martha said. ‘And daughter.’
‘I have a good role model.’ Lacie’s lip trembled again. ‘Thanks, Mum.’
‘Love you.’
‘You too.’ She ended the call and held a hand to her heart for a moment, before clicking on Chris’s name in her contacts.
She sent him a text:
Hey bro, would love to chat to you about something. Give me a call when it suits xx
She left her phone on the bedside table and walked into the open-plan kitchen, popped on the kettle, and put two slices of toast in the toaster. What was with all the carbs? It’s all she felt like eating. Pizza, mac and cheese, toast… She was about to cut open an avocado but it wasn’t ripe, so opted for sliced tomato, and fried an egg so she’d at least get some protein although she didn’t much feel like it.
Her stomach more settled, she got dressed into slim black pants that were now a little tight and a watermelon-coloured tunic that flared at the waist, and put her standard make-up on. Comfy ballet flats and she was ready for the walk to work. She filled her water bottle and placed it into her bag along with her phone, then noticed the present she’d forgotten to open last night. She eyed the wall clock; plenty of time as her first client wasn’t due till 10.30am. She sat at the kitchen table and eased open the floral wrapping paper.
Her heart fluttered at the sight of the beautiful neutral-coloured, fabric-covered journal with gold embossed lettering that read, For my baby.
‘Oh.’ Her hand flew to her mouth.
Inside the book was a handwritten note:
I saw this and thought of you. I know you will make a wonderful mother.
Love, Maria.
Her hand shook as she closed the front cover and shut her eyes for a second.
Tears built up and a few drops fell out and ran down her cheeks. An unexpected sound disoriented her for a moment, and she took a few seconds to realise it was her phone ringing. She picked it up. Chris’s name was on the caller ID. Her finger hovered over the green button. She’d have to head to work soon, but it’d be the middle of the night if she called him back later.
‘Chris, hi!’ She hoped she didn’t sound unnaturally excited.
‘Morning, Lace. Just got out of the shower and ready for bed. How’s things?’
‘Good, listen, um…’ She gulped down a lump of uncertainty. ‘The thing is, I’m… well…’ She stood and paced around.
‘Off to work? No worries if you’re strapped for time, we can catch up another time. But there was something you wanted to chat about?’
‘Yes. I mean, yes, I have to get to work, but…’ The gold lettering of the journal sparkled under her gaze. ‘I wanted to run something by you.’
‘Go ahead.’
‘Mum told me you’ve booked an appointment with a fertility specialist?’
‘Yep, it’s all happening. I got cold feet, but we had a good talk and we’re on the same page now. I get it. Time is limited and it’s now or never.’
Now or never. For her too.
‘That’s great. Well, I was wondering if…’
She paused at the table and ran her hand over the comforting fabric of the journal, and it left tingles on her skin.
I know you will make a wonderful mother.
‘If… I can contribute in any way?’ The right words wouldn’t form. ‘Financially, I mean.’ Oh God, she couldn’t do it.
‘Oh, sis, please, there’s no need.’
‘I know, but if it helps take some of the pressure off, even a small amount, it might… help?’ Or I can give you a baby I prepared earlier?
She shook her head at her lack of resolve. She thought she’d been certain. But now it was time to speak the words, something held her back. A simple journal, was that all it took to back down? It was simply a thoughtful gift from a lovely lady, no need to read further into it or treat it like some kind of sign from the universal powers that be. She could even pass it on to Melina. But…
‘Thank you, I really appreciate it. But we’ll figure it out, don’t worry.’
‘If you’re sure.’
‘I’m sure. We’ll see how we go with the first round and go from there.’
‘Okay.’ She nibbled on her lip.
‘Did you want to chat about anything else?’
She tapped her foot on the floor. ‘Um, no I think that was it.’
‘Rightio, have a great day at work then, and I do appreciate the offer, I really do.’
‘My pleasure. Here to help if I can.’
‘Take care, sis.’
‘You too. Say hi to Melina and the girls.’
‘Will do.’ He ended the call, and Lacie sunk into the chair.
I chickened out.
She texted her mum, who was probably still awake on account of all the things she’d have on her mind after their discussion, then sent her a photo of the journal and note.
My client found out and gave me this.
She opened the first page; the scent reminding her of childhood storybooks and special moments with her mum and dad.
A keepsake for your precious child.
Record your thoughts, hopes, and wishes for your bundle of joy during your special pregnancy.
The next page had space to write basic details like name, year, and due date, followed by a journal prompt asking her to write an introductory letter to the baby. The other pages were a combination of more letters to write throughout the pregnancy and on their first five birthdays, and short prompts about how you were feeling at each stage, any food cravings, ultrasound photos, bump photos, name ideas, and things you wanted to teach your child and activities you were looking forward to doing together.
The significance of the road ahead took her breath away.
Oh how lovely. Maybe it’s a sign?
Lacie released a tearful chuckle.
I just couldn’t do it.
Trust your heart, my love. This is your baby and we’re here to support you. Why not wait till the 12-week mark (which is only a month away), check all is healthy, then either share the news with everyone else or talk to Chris again if you decide you want to.
Lacie’s muscles softened and she exhaled slowly. Her mum knew how to make sense of things, like her father used to.
Okay, I’ve got this. A few more weeks and I’ll make my final decision , she thought.
Thanks Mum, sounds like a plan.
A few minutes later she had booked some medical appointments and was finally ready to head to work. When she arrived, she used the work phone to send a message to Maria:
What a beautiful, thoughtful gift. Thank you so much, Maria.
Her client replied with orangey-pink heart emojis that resembled her current nail polish, and Lacie smiled. She made herself a peppermint tea and took a few moments for herself in the beauty room while waiting for her client, and strangely, in that moment, an image of Nathan flashed in her mind and she wondered what he was doing right now.