Chapter 10
Noelle
The scalding water feels like nothing against my battered skin as I stand there in the massive shower. Alone. But honestly, what did I really expect? He was there for a rut.
Anyone would have done for him.
Part of me thought maybe it would be different. Maybe he’d actually see me as something more than a broke girl looking to make a dollar. It’s not like we were complete strangers.
I suppose I deserve this.
Shaking my head, I turn off the water and I step out to dry off. No one comes to check on me. No one comes to make sure I’m okay. But then, why would they? I was the moron who wrote, I’d be up for anything.
My pussy throbs as I drag the rough towel in between my thighs.
Even now, it comes away smeared in a shiny pearlescent—his seed mixed with my arousal.
The scent is so undeniably him it makes everything in me ache with unfettered need.
It doesn’t matter that he gave me more pleasure in this one session than I’ve had since I’ve been sexually active.
Unfortunately, I know I can’t stay in here forever. Dropping the dirty stuff into the open bin, I pull on a robe and head out the door. Heat tinges my cheeks as I wait for another receptionist to come in and take me to where I can find new clothes. Not that she’d judge me.
She doesn’t have to. I’m judging me enough for both of us.
With a bright smile, she takes me to a back room where everything is laid out for me to see. So many types, patterns, and fabrics greet my eyes, but what to choose? What am I allowed to have?
“Your Alpha said to have you pick whatever you wanted. He’s footing the bill, so don’t worry about cost. He also said you’re to get something that’s actually valuable and not something you’d just get because it’s cheap.”
Your Alpha. I wish. He does seem to know me, though.
With a heavy sigh, I walk past the luxurious lounge sets to the fancier dresses and suits. Nothing here is my style. I’m not ostentatious. I’m not showy. It’s not always a matter of I want it cheap.
“Will he know what I pick out?”
“I mean, the more expensive it is, the higher the charge will be on his card,” she muses. “But he won’t know the exact outfit, no.”
Nodding, I go back to what looks like a pair of soft pajamas and run my fingers over the threads. All my pajamas at home are threadbare and worn. It would be nice to have something comfortable to wear at home for Christmas.
“Are you sure?” she asks. “That’s not even close to what his allotted budget is normally. All Alphas get a clothes budget in case things get…”
“Dirty? Naughty? Filthy? Ravaging?” I supply. “It’s okay. You can say it.”
“Let’s just say you’re not the first to need a change of clothes on the way out.”
My lips tilt up in a thin smile. “Not shocked there. Yes. I’d very much like these.”
For a moment, she hesitates. What exactly did Master Locke—Jason—tell her? Will she really force me to get something I’m not comfortable in? Even as I look about the room, a pang of longing settles deep in my gut.
It’s no use. I won’t have anywhere to go and show it off. It will just sit in my closet. It doesn’t matter that most of these are worth more than my rent. Why get something pretty just to look at?
Shaking her head, she looks down at her hand-held device and clicks a few buttons. “Well, make sure to get a nice bra and panty set, at least. Make his pocketbook hurt a little.”
I can’t breathe as I take in the brocade and fancy pieces. All of them look as if they’re made for sex, made for exposure and longing. Again, where will I even wear these? No. It’s best I get something practical I can wear to work, something to take the place of what he already ripped off me.
My fingers tremble as I reach out and choose another plain cotton set, just like what I already owned. If she’s upset, she thankfully doesn’t say it. With a nod, she makes another notation before leading me back into the shower room and closing the door with a soft click.
He’d hate what I chose. Deep in my gut, I know it. But honestly, what’s the point in caring? It’s not like we’re going to see each other again. And yet, when I slip on the new clothes, I can still smell him.
It’s as if he’s tainted my very soul and ruined me for everyone else but him. It’s ridiculous. It’s madness. It’s heartbreaking. Stifling a soft sob, I make my way back home to the small apartment and the little brother who’s waiting for me.
As I make my way inside, my neighbor pokes her head out of the kitchen with a warm smile. “Ah! There you are. Late night? You’re usually home a bit earlier.”
Guilt gnaws at me as I put my keys by the door and hang up my purse. “Sorry. Gotta get the hours where I can. Thank you so much for watching him. I didn’t think the shift would run over this much.”
“Of course not, dear. ‘Tis the season and all that. Everybody out hustling and bustling. I remember those days.” Not one bit of judgment laces her tone, and somehow, it just makes the guilt hit all the harder.
Would she be this kind if she knew where I was? Would she smile at me like a kindly mother if she knew I was flat on my back while an Alpha rutted me like I was his, only to leave me cold and alone?
Jason’s money sits heavy in my pocket as I make my way toward the kitchen. It really wasn’t fair to keep her like this without asking first. I hold out a bill, not sure if it’s enough, but she shakes her head and gives a soft tsk.
“Put that away. Your money’s no good here.
Get yourself a nice dinner with it. Maybe some groceries?
Or, better yet, use it to buy Daniel a Christmas present.
” Her lips curl into an inviting smile that makes my heart threaten to shatter.
“Besides,” she continues. “He’s a joy. Makes me feel young again. I was happy to keep him company.”
“Oh. I- but-”
Before I can even get a sentence out, she waves an empty casserole dish at me.
“Oh! I made too much shepherd’s pie. Left the extra in your fridge.
Don’t let it go to waste. Daniel’s already had some for dinner.
Most of it, actually. So, if you want to claim the rest as yours, I’m sure no one would mind. ”
I try my best to be as happy as she is, but I just don’t feel it. With every bit of kindness she shows, it only reminds me how utterly empty and alone I am. Walking her to the door, I give one more wave before locking it behind and resting my forehead on the cool faux wood.
Thoughts swirl as bile rises in my throat and burns me from the inside out.
He didn’t want me.
He paid me to leave.
I’m disgusting.
Why do I want him so badly?
None of this helps. It only causes the sorrow to build until I worry I will project so much that Daniel will be concerned. I can’t have him worrying about his big sister.
Wiping my eyes, I force a smile onto my face and walk to his room and give a soft knock. There, cross-legged on the bed, controller in hand, Daniel gives me a quick glance before turning his attention back to his game.
In the dim light, all the exhaustion is on full display. Heavy rings darken the skin under his eyes, nearly swallowing them up. His cheekbones stand out prominently in the various shadows cast by the shifting graphics. So thin. So gaunt. So tired.
Maybe I should have gotten one of the fancy outfits after all. I could have sold it and made sure he had some good food in his stomach. Just looking at him hurts. What would my parents say? Would they hate me for how badly I’m managing all this?
Slipping inside, I sit next to him and watch as the little person on the screen jumps about, squishing what looks like angry mushrooms. It feels so nice to be close to him, as he stares intently at the screen. We don’t need conversation, just… this.
“Ewww,” he cries out as he pauses the game. “What’s that smell?”
My heart stutters for a second as I blink down at him. “I- What? What smell?”
Surely he can’t be talking about Jason. I’ve showered. I’ve changed. I’ve removed every bit of him I could.
“Did one of your coworkers smoke next to you? You smell like cigars or something. That and Dad’s jacket. It’s weird.”
Cigars and leather. Tobacco and leather. The same scent Jason smothered me in. How could he be so sensitive?
“Y- yeah,” I laugh, the sound tight in my throat. “Such a filthy habit. I’m going to shower it off and head to bed. Don’t stay up too late. Okay? You have school tomorrow.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbles as he presses the button on his controller to start the game back up.
Normally, I’d fight with him, I’d argue about his bedtime, but tonight, I let him have this win. Anything to keep him from questioning me any further. Honestly, I’m shocked he didn’t pick up on the fact that I’m wearing new clothes. But then again, it’s not as if they’re anything special.
For a moment, my heart threatens to stutter in my chest as I turn the water on. How many more showers before I’m clean? How many more before I no longer smell like him? How many more before I can convince my body I don’t want him again?
As I step in, the hot water pelts my skin, but I feel nothing. Even as I crank it up a bit, I still feel nothing. It’s as if I’m numb, unable to experience small sensations. Hotter still, and nothing.
Soft sobs claw at my throat as I slide down into the tub and let the water sluice over my skin. Each slide of a droplet feels like his mouth on my throat. Each rivulet as it winds its way down my body is his tongue. God, even the steam itself feels like the brush of his fingertips against my skin.
How insane is this? Why can’t I drive him from my mind? It was a onetime encounter. Nothing more. He made it very clear I was to leave the clinic and never come back. Honestly, why would I need to? I have far more money than I’d ever dream of having.
If only I could figure out how to see him again. I don’t dare go to his bank. How would I be able to explain my presence there in a way that wasn’t just desperate? If I go back to the clinic, I might end up with someone else. Do I dare defy him? Do I dare make myself vulnerable to another Alpha?
His threats and demands roar in my ears over the sound of pounding water. He said he’d make me pay, said I got off easy. But what if I didn’t want to? What if I wanted to feel just how ferocious his hands could be against my skin?
I draw my knees up to my chest and rock back and forth as the sound of the shower muffles my sobs. How many times have I been here since my parents died? How many times did I pour out all my emotions where Daniel couldn’t hear?
And yet here I am, once again, but this time, it’s because my heart wants something it can’t have. It wants a man who only wanted an omega to fuck. Not me. Never me. If he truly wanted me, he could have used my information to track me down.
But he didn’t.
He didn’t even try.
Eventually, the water runs cold, and I pull myself out before I start shivering. That odd numbness pervades my limbs, threatening to take over until I’m nothing but a shadow. I just want to sleep and not feel.
Cold.
Alone.
Desperate.
Aching.
Wanting.
Grabbing the shirt from the clinic, I curl up in bed and hold it to my chest. Though it doesn’t smell like him, it gives me a bit of comfort. It’s something to hold on to, something to cling to.
In the darkness, my heart throbs, pounding in its misery. As much as I want to cry, I just can’t. There’s nothing left. Depleted.
“You didn’t want me,” I whisper into the shirt as I squeeze my eyes shut. “You never wanted me,” I tell myself, desperate to put the Alpha out of my mind and body. “You just needed an omega. Just like I needed a paycheck.”
The last is a lie, and I know it deep down. But it doesn’t change the facts. I needed to pay my bills, and he needed to fuck a woman who could feed him the lie the clinic offers.
A body and nothing more.