Chapter 32
Elizabeth
LOVE IS CHRISTMAS
I shimmy on my jeans before snatching the sweater I took out of my bag before my shower.
Taking my hair out of the back of it before sitting on the bed, I grab my socks and sit on the edge of the bed that I haven’t slept in since we started sleeping together.
I look over when I hear him coming out of his bedroom dressed in jeans and a T-shirt.
His hair is still wet from the shower he went to take after we had coffee together, sitting on the couch, watching television, and not talking. “Hey,” I say when his eyes catch mine.
“Hey back at you.” He stands there leaning against the doorjamb. “What’s up?”
“My mother just called to remind me about taking me shopping today,” I reply, putting the second sock on.
“Even though when we went over there for dinner last night, I told her I was not going after–Christmas Day shopping with her.” He smiles and looks down.
“She says either I get dressed and meet her in the car, or she’ll have you carry me to the car.
” I get up. “I’m going to save us both and just go out and be ready for her. ”
“Okay,” he says softly, “I think I’ll go to the office. Catch up on a couple of things before I get back to it after New Year’s.”
I walk to him and wait for him to kiss me, but he doesn’t.
He smiles and turns to walk down the stairs.
Ever since we exchanged gifts yesterday, he’s been quieter than ever.
Even at dinner with my parents, his smile never went to his eyes.
I waited until we got home to ask him about it but he had other plans.
Plans that had my mouth and his occupied.
I fell asleep in his arms, and by the time I woke up, he was already out of bed.
It was also the first morning I didn’t wake up next to him, and I hated every single second of it.
I get up and take a deep breath as I make my way down the stairs and to the kitchen.
Whiskey gets off the couch and comes over to me, rubbing himself against my legs.
I bend to pet his neck, looking up to see Nate at the coffee machine.
My heart pounds nervously as I ask him what I’ve been wanting to ask him since yesterday, but I’ve been too scared shitless to ask him, for fear he’ll tell me something I don’t want to hear.
“Are you okay?” I ask him and he turns to face me, his face not giving away anything.
“Yeah,” he answers, “I guess I’m just tired.”
“We slept almost twelve hours.” I laugh nervously, hoping I can get him to smile at me. Something I didn’t know I needed right now in this minute.
“Maybe I need more,” he says, his voice tight, and my eyebrows pinch together.
“Seriously?” I say, knowing he’s fucking hiding something or he’s pissed about something and doesn’t want to tell me. I don’t know what it is, but I know it’s something.
“Seriously,” he repeats the word and now I know he’s pissed.
“You were quiet most of the night,” I mention, my heart hammering in my chest, “and then you said maybe five words to me today. ‘Good morning’ being two of them and ‘hey, what’s up’ being the other words.” My hands start to shake nervously as I place them on the cold island in front of me.
“I don’t know what you want from me,” he states, “I’m fine.”
“You act like I don’t know you, Nate.” I try to not freak out and keep my voice calm, but as it drags on, the nerves get the best of me and my voice goes higher.
“Do you know me?” he asks me and I have to wonder if he’s trying to start a fight with me.
“What the fuck does that mean? Of course I know you. How can you say that?” He shrugs. “Things would go faster if you just said what is bothering you and we can—” I don’t finish the sentence because he snorts out angrily.
“We can what?” he snaps. “What can we do?” I don’t know if he’s asking me or telling me.
“We can’t do shit.” I see his eyes and they are greener than blue, making them almost look like they are golden.
He crosses his arms over his chest, leaning back against the counter.
“We can’t do shit about shit because this time next week you’ll be getting on a fucking plane and leaving. ”
I open my mouth and then close it again. “Well, yeah, considering I don’t live here.”
“Yeah, don’t worry, I’m reminded every fucking day,” he snaps out. “But even knowing it, even telling myself it was just temporary, I fucking did it.”
“What did you do?” I wish the question I just asked him didn’t have me holding my breath. I wish the question I just asked him didn’t have me feeling sick to my stomach. I wish the question I just asked him didn’t have my whole body tight with nerves.
“I said I wouldn’t say it.” He runs his hand through his hair and then holds the back of his head with his hand. “But then I can’t not say it.”
“Whatever it is, you might as well just say it and get it over with,” I push, knowing he’s going to say it’s not a good idea for me to stay here any longer.
That whatever this thing is should just be done with.
Knowing when he does say those words, my heart is going to shatter and I’m going to have to pretend I’m fine.
“You want me to say it?” he asks and shakes his head. “Fine, I’ll say it.” I hold my breath, not sure what he’s going to say but not ready for the next thing that comes out of his mouth. “I’m in love with you.”
I feel the blood drain from my body. “I’m fucking in love with you and you are going to leave me.
I’ve come to realize I have only ever fucking loved you the way I do.
I’ve realized I’ve been holding myself back, waiting for you.
I didn’t know it until everything just clicked into place.
How I would stand back and not give myself to anyone.
How I would keep whatever it was I had going on at arm’s length, knowing subconsciously I was waiting for you. ”
“Nate,” I say his name, shock filling my body as the doorbell rings and I look down the hall.
“You have to go,” he states. “Go.”
“Nate,” I say his name again at the same time the doorbell rings again.
“There is nothing to say, Elizabeth,” he says softly. “I live here. You live halfway around the fucking world. I can’t do the long-distance thing, not after having you this week. It’ll be fine.” I look into his eyes. “Unlike seven years ago, we both know what is happening.”
The lump in my throat is so big, I don’t even think I would be able to say a word. The doorbell rings again and I feel like I’m stuck to the floor. The doorbell stops and now it’s followed by knocks on the door. “I’m going to go and get that.” He walks around the island and to the front door.
I close my eyes and look down, the first tear falls onto my cheek and I wipe it away as I hear my mother’s voice. “I thought she locked you in a room to stop from going out with me,” she says laughing.
He chuckles, acting like we didn’t just have the most intense conversation of our lives. “I was in the shower.” He makes the excuse. “I think she’s in the kitchen.”
I take a deep inhale, putting my hand to my chest to ease the tightness in it.
I exhale a breath before walking into the hallway.
“Hi,” my mother greets, looking over at me, the smile on her face fading a bit when she looks into my eyes, but she recovers.
“I tried to call you,” she says, looking at Nate, who is looking at me and who I’m avoiding looking at right now.
I’m not sure I can take it without the pain showing on my face.
“I have my phone on the charger in the kitchen,” I explain, pointing behind me. “I’ll go get it and we can go.” I walk away from the two of them. I grab my phone that I plugged in while I had a coffee this morning. I tuck it in the back pocket of my jeans and head back to the door.
“Are you going to go and get your things?” my mother asks me, and I look at her confused. “Well, you have to get out of Nate’s hair.”
“I’ll get them later,” I say, hoping she isn’t going to push the issue and I’ll have to pack up my things.
“Okay, we can swing by after shopping and grab your things.” I nod, not willing to get into it with her. I look at Nate. “I’ll see you later.” I don’t know if I’m asking him or telling him, and he just nods his head at me, much like what I did to my mother.
My mother looks between us and doesn’t say anything before she turns and walks out of the house. I step out, wanting to turn back and kiss him, which would make things probably worse for us all.
I get into the car at the same time as my mother, both of us slamming the door at the same time. “So”—she starts the car—“should we do coffee first?”
I look at her and nod my head, knowing that she knows something is up.
“I think that’s best.” She pulls away from the house and with each passing minute my heart gets heavier and heavier in my chest. When we get to the small coffee shop, I get out, trying to get my breathing under control, and knowing I’m one second away from a full-on breakdown.
I walk in and head straight for a table.
“I’ll order for you,” my mother says to me.
I don’t even answer her because of the lump in my throat and anything I say right now I’m pretty sure will come out in a sob.
I sit in the back of the coffee shop, looking down at my hands.
The bracelet he gave me yesterday slides out of my sweater and I see the heart.
My finger goes to touch it at the same time my mother pulls out a chair and sits in front of me.
“They will bring the coffee.” She shrugs off her jacket. “I ordered you a cupcake, but I don’t think that is going to make you feel better.”
I smile and snort a little. “I don’t think a cupcake can fix this.”
“What is this?” she asks me and I look up at her.
“It’s…” I start to say and then stop when I feel my bottom lip quiver. “It’s—” I exhale. “I’m in love with Nate.” I look up and exhale again. “Oh God.”
“My beautiful girl,” she says and I’m expecting her to freak out, but she smiles at me and holds out her hand on the table, putting it on mine, “we already knew that.”
“What?” I ask, shocked. “Who is we?”
“Well, I can tell you who didn’t, your father and Joshua. I’m pretty sure Jack saw it.” She smiles. “You’ve been in love with him since you were a teenager.”
“I have not,” I shriek. “This just happened.”
“No.” She shakes her head. “This didn’t just happen, maybe you just got your head out of your ass, but it didn’t just happen.”
“We hated each other,” I remind her. “He was involved with someone else,” I point out and she rolls her eyes.
“You hated each other because you moved away, and he didn’t tell you not to go.” My mouth hangs open. “But that’s the past, you both had to do what you needed to do in order to be here right now.”
“Mom.” I stop when the girl comes to deliver our coffee. I wait for her to walk away before I look back at her.
“Elizabeth,” she says my name, looking down at her coffee cup. “Seven years ago you hightailed it out of town and went halfway around the world most likely to get away from him.”
“I didn’t just do it because of him. It was a great opportunity.”
“Agreed.” She nods her head. “You needed to do what you needed to do and so did he. Now you both ended up here.”
“Yeah and now I don’t live here,” I remind her and she rolls her eyes. “Mom, I can’t just get up and move.”
“Why not?” she scoffs at me. “You did once before, I’m pretty sure you can do it again.”
“I have a life,” I counter, and the minute I say the words, the only thing flashing through my mind is Nate. It’s not just Nate, it’s also Whiskey, Bean, and Baby Cat. The five of us settled on the couch watching a show, even though it’s not a memory I should have.
“What life?” she asks me. “You go to work, you come home. It’s wash, rinse, repeat,” she snaps at me. “You what, have two friends and barely go out.”
“Wow.”
“Don’t you wow me, young lady.” She points her finger at me. “Do you know how hard it is for me to see you not living a full life?”
“Um.”
“Um, nothing,” she retorts. “How did this happen?”
“How did what happen?” I ask not sure of her questions.
“How did you come to all of a sudden realize you are in love with Nate?” she asks me softly.
“Well, it’s technically all your fault,” I say with a smile, but the tears form at the bottom of my eyes.
“You threw me at him and I was staying in his house.” She rolls her eyes.
“And then one thing led to another, and we did grown-up things.” I put a hand to my mouth to stop myself from bursting out laughing.
“How much do you love him?” she questions, and I tilt my head to the side.
“Do you love him so much that you are going to be okay stepping foot on that plane and leaving him, going back home to live without any regret.” She smiles and I see her own tears in her eyes.
“Or do you love him so much that just the thought alone makes your heart ache? The thought of him being with someone else and creating a family with her makes you violently ill?”
“It makes me violently ill,” I admit in a whisper. “Just the thought of stepping on that plane makes me feel this immense pain in my chest that it’s hard to breathe.” I wipe the tear off of my cheek.
“Well,” she declares, picking up her cup of coffee, “it looks like you have a decision to make.”